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An Unhappy time....
November 19, 1999
12:28 am
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EssEmm
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I've never done anything like this before but I have no one to talk to and I feel like I'm about to go nuts. I recently moved to a new town away from my family and friends to take a job which entails a one year commitment. I am 3 months into this job and I already feel burned out. I feel like I am doing a bad job because I am a very unorganized person. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I can't get organized at all. My supervisor gets really frustrated with me and I find myself avoiding her because frankly, I'm afraid that she's going to yell at me. This job I have does not pay well at all and I am very heavily in debt. I've been turned over to a collection agency several times since I've moved and one business has threatened me with litigation if I don't pay them in the next 30 days. In the meantime, I have no money and barely have anything to eat. I used to love to go to the gym but now I am too poor to afford a membership. Even a reduced membership at the YMCA is too expensive for me. It's looking like I won't even be able to afford to go home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. If that happens, it will be the first Christmas that I've ever spent away from home. I'm kind of a shy person by nature so it has been hard for me to make new friends here. I've gone out with a few people and had an okay time but I don't have a connection like I do with my friends back home. My roommate and I are friends from college and she is a very sweet person. She has been the only person who I've had to talk to up here but she is going through some of the same things as I am and I really don't want to bother her with my problems as she has enough of her own. It seems that she's getting tired of listening to me. She also seems to be blaming herself for my unhappiness because she is the one who convinced me to move up here. I've tried to tell her that it was my choice and that it's not her fault but I think she thinks it is. I brought some other issues into this whole situation. I'm 23 years old and I've never had a girlfriend, never kissed, never even held hands. This is really abnormal and I'm really ashamed of it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe my standards are too high, maybe I'm not attractive enough, maybe my personality is bad, or maybe I just don't have very good social skills. No matter what the reason is, it's weighing heavily on my mind because I really need someone to hold and cuddle with now more than ever. Another thing that is weighing heavily is the fact that I've wasted some of the best years of my life. There is so much more that I could have done in highschool and college. I could have been more involved and come out of my shell. I keep thinking how things might be different if I would have. I find myself wishing that I could go back in time to about my Sophomore year in high school and start all over from there. I would take more chances, ask some girls out, maybe even go to a dance or two. I feel like I've wasted all this time. I really feel like I need to be seen by someone. I had some counseling in college but it didn't help much. I think I need long term therapy and possibly medication but I can't afford to see anyone right now. I'm just going to have to suck it up for the next nine months until I can get a job which will let me afford the help that I think I need. I'm sorry that this post was so long but I had a lot that I wanted to get out. I could go on for another thousand words but let's start with that. That should keep us busy discussing for awhile. Thanks for listening.

November 19, 1999
1:04 pm
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Cici
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I guess we all go through times like those. I was heavily in debt like you, although I'm still in college. I had to get the parents to help!

It's not abnormal to not have dated...it does no good to judge yourself by what society deems is normal. i had the same problems you did when I was in highschool. Unfortunately, I became involved in drugs. I hate to say it, but drugs made me come out of my shell. I suppose experienceing the things you do after taking acid or ecstasy makes you examine yourself very minutely, which is essentially what it takes to come out of your shell.

Tell us more. How was your family life growing up?

November 20, 1999
12:46 am
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EssEmm
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You're right Cici. I shouldn't be comparing myself to what society thinks is normal. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. Every day I am confronted with it. Whenever I see a happy couple walking down the street, whenever my friends start talking about thier relationships and I have to zone out because I have no idea what they're talking about. I have to listen to my friends tell me what cool things they and they're "significant other" did or what sweet thing thier boyfriend or girlfriend did for them. There's a part of me that really hates couples. I shouldn't feel that way, I know but I do. Anyway, as for my childhood, you may be surprised to find out that it wasn't messed up in any way. The only bad thing about it was that both of my brothers are way older than I am so I was for all intents and purposes an only child. I was the kid who never talked in school and was overlooked by teachers and my classmates too. I was teased quite a bit in elementry school which probably has something to do with my shyness today. I can remember not talking very much at family gatherings because the grown-ups were talking about grown-up stuff and there really weren't any kids my age for me to talk to so I would just sit quietly and listen to the conversation. My parents were both very loving and supportive of me and continue to be. For some reason, I feel that I have distanced myself from them though. Maybe it's because I want to show that I can make it without my family...I don't know for sure but looking back on it, I haven't been the best son in the world, I'm sure. It's hard for me to analyze my relationship with my parents. It's good but it's bad at the same time, do you know what I mean? Anyway, I've babbled on enough I think. Thanks for responding to my post Cici and if there's anything you'd like to talk about with me, feel free to bring it up. In the meantime, I think I'll take a break from my problems and see what some of the other people on this board are going through. Want to hear something kind of ironic? My degree (which I just got last spring) is in Pscyhology. :o) Interesting, huh?

November 20, 1999
12:56 pm
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Anonymous
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Dear EssEmm
Did you know that sounds like S & M? lol..
Anyways I wanted to inject a little humor there to give you a smile, I cried when I read your post.
I feel such compassion for such a lonely soul as yourself, but you are your own worst enemy friend.
You have low self esteem and really need to build upon this before you can expect to have any kind of fulfilling relationship with anyone else.
I think it would be great for you to take your mind of your "problems" right now and focus on others and build your self esteem at the same time, volunteer work would be great for this....it could also lead into a more rewarding job and lifestyle.
There are usually crisis grants that you can get from your student loan people or college, you should enquire. Ask your student counsellor.
Right now the most important thing for you to do is to raise your self esteem by contributing to society in a way that only you can do. do you have any special talents, gifts or dreams or desires?
Call your local volunteer agency and ask them. YOu could also possibly go to your "big sisters" agency to become a big sister to a foster child or a child who has no one to look up to as a role model. This would be very empowering to you and your life. Blessings
We care

November 20, 1999
1:42 pm
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EssEmm
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I don't think I'd make a very good big sister. I think I'd be better big brother since I'm a guy. :o) Anyway, my job is pretty much volunteer. All I get is a small living expense which obviously isn't enough. I'm probably going to end up getting a second job to make ends meet. I'm not really looking forward to that either. The job itself isn't bad... I'm a volunteer coordinator for a reading program in the grade schools. It's just that the money is awful. You're right though, I do have a low self esteem and I think I always have. I have no idea what has cause this but I think it may be a whole bunch of factors beginning in early childhood that sort of came together. You wanna know something sad? When I first started this job, we did this "getting to know you" exercise where we had to fill out this questionairre. One of the questions on there was something to the effect of "what's one thing you do better than anything else?" I sat there and thought and thought and racked my brain but I honestly couldn't think of anything. I still can't really. Hopefully I will find my talent someday. I HAVE to have at least one, right? Anyway, thanks for being here for me. It really helps just to talk to someone. Don't feel too sorry for me either. Remember, I do have friends. They're just all 200 miles or more away from me.

November 28, 1999
12:15 am
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Silly
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EssEmm,

I found you!!! I was looking for some info on you in all the threads. So, you're a guy. I thought you were a middle-aged woman.:) Sorry. I am a 21 year old lady who looks like Cameron Diaz (everywhere I go people tell me that). This is the first time I ever told anyone that because I try to be modest, but I like to picture who I am talking to and think that they like to picture me too. I have been engaged for 2 years with my bestest best friend in the whole world. I don't have anything to do when he's not around because I ditched all my old friends. I needed to. They are all bad news, especially for someone who is not in the least laid back when it comes to "no good". I was, unfortunately, blessed with a conscience. Every time something happens that needs to be hidden, I get my lovely panic attacks. Anyways, it's nice to make a friend, even on the computer. You are my first friend I have ever made on the computer. What state do you live in? I'm in Metro-Detroit Michigan. It's an ok place. It's safe to walk the streets at night. The only problem with where I live is the roads. We have a big problem with road rage. I know that Michigan has a reputation that we're all in a hurry. Well, I'll look for you on my "Dying from Anxiety" thread. Read ya, sweetheart.

Silly

November 28, 1999
11:58 pm
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ClimberJane
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Dear EssEmm,

I feel kind of silly, because after reading about your problems, I could only think of how similar they are to mine. I am a 21 year old female. I recently left my job at an insurance agency (I have my insurance license) where I was making $22,600 a year! Why did I do this? Well, my boyfriend of only 2 months (who I lived with at my apartment) wanted to move to another town to be close to his friends and party! Stupid, I know. Well, after 2 months of living there together he just broke up with me out of the blue and for no good reason. Actually I didn't get a reason at all. In the meanwhile, I couldn't find a job in this college town to save the life of me. I rarely ate (and I weigh 104 and am hypoglycemic!), I had no money and a lot of time to not spend it. After he broke up with me I was about $3,000 in the hole. Our phone had been turned off and my dad was called to pay on the two loans that he had co-signed for me. After this happened, he reposessed my car and made me move back home. My sister who is older also lives here, with her two young children. I have to sleep on the sofa bed in the basement and have all of my clothes in boxes. All of my furniture and the rest of my posessions are still at the apartment with my ex. I am currently working at a local grocery store for $8 an hour. It is hard work and very degrading for a 21 year old. I work with a bunch of high-school kids. My self-esteem has always been very low and I really feel the need to have someone "love" me, so I usually make bad decisions when it comes to who I date and what I do in the relationship. I usually wind up bending over backwards and doing cartwheels for people that don't even deserve my acknowledgement. I sympathize with you and hope that everything turns out okay for you. I also would like to know where abouts you live. I currently am in central Indiana (BORING!). My apartment is in southern Indiana. Well, I feel a little better now that I spilled my guts to an absolute stranger! lol : ) But seriously, look on the bright side, at least you have your room-mate and you are doing something good for the community. I am sure that you will find someone to cuddle with soon. I know how bad it hurts to want that and not be able to have it. Just don't settle for someone who doesn't deserve you. You seem like a very nice person, and no one should settle.

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