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An incident of jealous rage.....help
May 18, 2009
2:15 pm
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readytolearn
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The man I am seeing broke into my computer and read all of emails past and present. He searched my phone looking for a justification for his jealousy. Then he exploded at 3 am in the morning. Screaming at me, calling me a cheater. Now, he is convinced that I have cheated on him based on emails from male friends and acquaintances that do not justify this reaction.

It's been three days since this incident and I have not eaten. I've lost 5 pounds. I am stunned. I am in shock.

I am finding out that he is deeply troubled and has pretty much never trusted me.

I don't understand this behavior and how I ended up in this situation.

I am searching for a counselor. How do I find out about affordable counseling services?

I really think I need help.

I feel so violated and I feel guilty and ashamed.

Does anyone understand this?

May 18, 2009
2:32 pm
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soofoo
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I have been through this also, so I understand how you feel. Please just remember that you didn't cause this behavior and you can't change it.

May 18, 2009
3:05 pm
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PreciousG
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Hi Readytolearn,

I am so sorry that you have had this experince. It is a total violation of your privacy for anyone to ready read your e-mails and search your phone without your consent. The reaction following his supposed discoveries is akin to an assult.

I commend you for searching for a conselor. The best way to find affardable caonseling services is to call the offices and ask about the rates. There are some counselors that charge on a sliding scale. The scale is used to determine the hourly rate based on the client's income. Not all counselors wil tell you this up front so be sure to ask if they use a sliding scale.

Another option for counseling is through a local Universities or Colleges. Most Universities and colleges provide counseling services free of charge for students.

Lastly, there is nothing for you to feel ashmed or guilty about. You have done nothing to deserve this treatment. Even if you did cheat or did something that may give him cause to not trust you that still does not give anybody the liscense or right to behave as he has behaved. EVER!!!

I wish you the best. Keep posting!

PreciousG

May 18, 2009
3:38 pm
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CAMER
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how long have you been with this guy?? this is a huge red flag....i think you best help is ridding this man from your life, for starters!

May 18, 2009
3:58 pm
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readytolearn
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Camer, It's been almost a year. We have known each other for 13 years, though.

PreciousG,
He seems to feel like this was justified. He says that he was shopping for a ring for our engagement and he needed to know for sure what was going on because his gut told him that something wasn't right or that I was cheating. I am still in shock. His thoughts and feelings and actions are very scary to me. I am feeling controlled, manipulated and smothered.

I don't want to take any actions right now other than begin with a counselor. I will ask about a sliding scale. Thanks for the advice.

Question to anyone reading this:

How do you introduce yourself to a counselor in order to know if they are a good fit. Are there some questions I should ask or details I should share over the phone during our initial conversation that would help me find the right one?

May 18, 2009
3:59 pm
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readytolearn
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soofoo, Thanks for responding and sharing your thoughts. I feel somewhat responsible although I know I shouldn't.

May 18, 2009
4:06 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Oh puh- lease...I was shopping for a ring and had to make sure. Talk about asking you to go for a ride on the guilt express. Oh he loved me so much. Tell him what to do with his ring.

If you were cheating shame on you

I you weren't cheating then he is the one with the problem and you don't need to buy into his problem. Take care of yourself.

I did snoop my way into an exes email and phone but when I did it was pretty blatant that he was cheating on me. I walked away but have been struggling for a year with what all I went through for him.

Bitsy

May 18, 2009
4:08 pm
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CAMER
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tt the counselor for free b4 hand, ask them questions re: waht your issues are and how "they" can help you and what they can offer....i have done this in the past and picked up pretty good vibes over the phone prior to seeing any counselors.

May 18, 2009
4:23 pm
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readytolearn
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Bitsy,
I wasn't cheating. I have been so stressed as a result of many of the issues with dealing with him that I have gained over 45 pounds in the last 6 months. I barely want to be seen in public let alone spend time with another man.

CAMER,
What do you mean "tt the counselor over the phone". What's "tt"? "Talk to"...

May 18, 2009
4:39 pm
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BrokenAngel
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readytolearn... I have been thru this before with all of my relationships. Could it be that he got cold feet about the ring that this was his way out? Could it be that HE was the one cheating and needed to point the finger? If you stop trying to prove your innocense to him, or anyone else for that matter, you'll be able to remove this huge weight off of your shoulders and move on.

Bottom line, HE is the one that owes you an appology. Whether or not you were cheating, he had absolutely no right to invade your privacy! He opted not to communicate with you and chose to accuse you instead. Take this as an "eye opener"... This could have been the start to a very dysfunctional marriage.

Stay strong... Hugs...
BrokenAngel

May 18, 2009
4:43 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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ready to learn, I have been through it too. he couldn't find anything so he made stuff up.
just remember what soofoo said, you didn't cause it and you can't change it.
I will add, you don't deserve to be kept up all night because of jealous rages.

May 18, 2009
4:54 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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readytolearn. I wasn't implying you were... just a general opinion of mine that you shouldn't cheat on the one you are in a relationship with. Mine was cheating and it really worked a number on me.

I have heard that when the other person accuses you of cheating it is to cover up and deflect the fact that they are.

Bitsy

May 18, 2009
4:58 pm
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CAMER
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yes..tt means talk to 🙂

call up a few, talk with the counselors for as long as you have to, you will get a good gut feeling when talking with them, i know i did.

May 18, 2009
5:11 pm
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readytolearn
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Thanks everyone for your responses. 🙂

May 18, 2009
5:18 pm
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sad sack
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Do you plan on staying in a relationship with this man?

Just curious.

May 18, 2009
5:28 pm
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readytolearn
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sad sack,

I don't know what will happen in the immediate future?

In this moment,
I plan to pay attention to my feelings and stay aware of my compulsive desire to eat instead of feeling. I plan to focus on myself and the lessons I have learned from this. I plan to see a counselor to address some of the fears that have.

I may try to find a CODA meeting to attend, although the idea of this scares me to death.

I plan to pray and ask god for guidance and let his will guide my course.

I think, if I do all this this situation will resolve itself.

But, maybe that's a cop-out.

May 18, 2009
5:42 pm
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fantas
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I dealt with this behavior from my ex. He would break in, read my e-mail that I was writing my friends about him, and write to them using my e-mail. Sometimes he would act like he was me and others he would sign as himself.

I think you should see a counselor like it has been suggested. I also think that you should leave this man. It doesn't matter what his rationale for breaking into your e-mail is, this signifies controlling behavior. Pretty soon he may start complaining about what you wear, who you talk to, how you spend your money, etc.

This is a step in getting you to start discrediting your intuition and isolating you from people who may influence you. Between the break ins and the insults, he will have you on egg shells and doubting yourself in no time. I think what he did is nature's way of warning you and offering you the opportunity to get out while you can before getting really hurt.

Keep posting and reading these threads. Lots of experiential wisdom here.

May 18, 2009
6:08 pm
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StronginHim77
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Sounds like there is more to it than just this "ring-triggered" incident. You have spent 13 years with this man.

What has he been like to live with?

Controlling? Jealous? Moody? Any alcohol or drug abuse factors?

Share what you can.

- Ma Strong

May 18, 2009
6:10 pm
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sad sack
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The behavior that this man exhibited is very disturbing. As others have said, it is evidence of a controlling, unhealthily jealous man. He crossed every boundary imaginable.

While I applaud your desire to work on your own issues, I don't understand how that will help resolve what he did. Remember, you did absolutely nothing wrong. I am getting the impression that you are blaming yourself and feeling that if you just change your own behavior, then this problem will go away.

How will that change what he did? This man is showing you who he is. Please take a serious look at what his behavior is telling you.

I do hope you find a trained, competent therapist. I wish you the best.

May 19, 2009
12:45 am
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sunshine88
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hi readytolearn, do u mind if i share a similar experience here?

i am sad and almmost ashamed to admit that i was guilty of doing this in my previous relationship.

at that time, i had a gut feeling that something was not right, and i couldn't tell what. when i checked his chat histories and phone messages, i was shocked to find stuff beyond what i was looking for. he was having a seemingly sweet relationship and had proposed to a girl, while he was living with me and had proposed to me several times! for some reason, my heart kept saying no to marriage with this man, and i was trying to find the reason why. turns out that these were all the truth waiting to be found.

like Bitsy, it paved the way to know the truth, and so led eventually to a painful separation. although, i did not lash out, i'm quite a peace loving person, i did confront him with it, and in the end, i felt so bad about myself why i snooped. he did apologize also, but the truth was out, the only way in that relationship was out.

so when is it right to do that and trust your gut feelings leading you to something, and when is it unhealthy and abnormal to do it?

anyway, readytolearn, sorry, i didn't mean to hijack your thread. i just thought perhaps if you heard it from another perspective, you would understand a little bit the behavior.

i'm not saying that there was something to be found on you, neither am i saying that you're responsible for it. it's that it would help me understand myself also, what was wrong with me, why i did what i've done. what's the difference between trusting, and being blind?

readytolearn, i hope you're trying to get counseling, to give you strength to leave when you know it's due. take care of yourself, and i wish you well.

May 19, 2009
10:35 am
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atalose
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I would imagine you didn’t really know him too well in those 13 years and in this last year have found out the hard way what he is really like.

I have to agree with Bitsy on the ring issue, how convenient for him to have such an appealing excuse to you for his extremely disturbing behavior. The bait and switch, he baits you with a ring and thoughts of engagement to switch away focus of his disturbing behavior.

Counseling is great, ending this relationship is even better at least until you’ve had some professional help to guide you around his nonsense.

Codependents are all about the “relationship” it’s our drug of choice. The ill behavior of someone else, the verbal and physical abuse, feeling controlled and manipulated, feeling anxious and scared by their behavior are all the things we tend to put up with for the sake of the “relationship.

I hope counseling helps you see the healthiest choices you CAN make for yourself.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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