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An Honest question for all
June 24, 2004
2:01 pm
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trot
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I'm new to all this. Now don't get me wrong I've known that I had some issues for years but now my demons have names.(Codepndent, Love Addicted, mildly depressed) I'm sure you've heard them all before. I've started the healing/recovery process and my questions are. What should I expect? How long does this process take? Will I find a healthy mutual fulfilling relationship? Any and all responses are welcome.

June 24, 2004
2:27 pm
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CAMER
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expect to spend more time with yourself and being comfortable with yourself, your life will soon be more comfortable cuz all you are taking care of is you and not everyone else.

how long it takes depends on how much you are willing to commit yourself to getting better and caring for yourself, I was alone for 1 year and 7 months without a relationship, just started dating and I still get kinda hooked on "bad relationships" but i recognize them so much quicker now than I have in the past. I think yo will find healthy relationships once you recognize that you deserve only the best and not let anyone treat you badly.

again, it all just takes time.
good luck and best of luck with getting healthier!

June 24, 2004
3:12 pm
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wishes
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Well, it takes as long as it takes. Camer said a year and a half, I believe. I don't want to freak you out or anything, but I've been alone now for a long time. Six years. I hope I'll find a great relationship someday, but I am not really counting on that anymore. However it works out, I am so much better off now than when I was wallowing in codependency. Be strong and be happy! 🙂

June 24, 2004
4:07 pm
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fairy99
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It takes as long as you want it to. The decesion is up to you. As long as your positive in your thinking and you are striving to go forward, things will go smoothly. You'll get there, just don't give up. Cammer has some good advice. Take a look at any dating situation with better eyes than you had before and it will help you see. Good luck sweetie.

June 25, 2004
6:25 pm
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Sam7
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Hi,

I'm in a 'healthy' relationship at the moment. I'm causing problems because I'm massively screwed up, but hey, what else is new. He's accepting and understanding and we're communicating. I'm also trying really hard to be honest with myself. It's a tough road though. Time alone is really helping (bf is in Europe for another month). I hit rock bottom about two years ago. Cheated on the guy I was dating at the time. Baby cheat (not much happened) but a cheat nonetheless. Confessed, talked about it, he didn't want to hear about the other guy. Cheated again. Didn't confess cause bf didn't want to hear. (Currently with guy I cheated with...did I mention my life often resembles a soap opera? Had another guy thrown in the mix for a bit too...) Did some pretty messed up stuff over the following year. Felt awful about myself, realized I was behaving totally out of character, and hit absolute rock bottom. Been working hard on me ever since. Sometimes I slip and lose myself again or get distracted by life. But I'm happier than I've been in a while. Frustrated, angry, depressed, sad, confused and a whole bunch of other stuff too. But happier and calmer than I've been in a while.
I don't know if I'll ever be 'normal'. My goal is to reach a point where I'm happy and to be with someone who can accept my problems and meet my needs, in addition to being madly in love with me of course! Hope that helps!

June 25, 2004
6:30 pm
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passion
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So why do you think you choose to share a piece of yourself when your already commited to someone else?

June 25, 2004
6:32 pm
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Sam7
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Hi Passion,

I'm not sure if that question is directed towards me or not. And if it is, I don't understand. Could you clarify for me? Thanks!

June 25, 2004
6:39 pm
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passion
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I'm sorry Sam27
I probably didn't word it right.
I guess what I'm trying to say is when your in a relationship something must cause you to feel a certain way. Maybe fear, a challenge, having a need met. what is it that you were feeling that caused you to cheat?

June 25, 2004
7:21 pm
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Sam7
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Looking back on the relationship, it's easy to see where things went wrong. My needs weren't being met on a bunch of levels. We were very different, and he didn't understand me and I didn't understand him. He wasn't reliable, and I don't think he's capable of a truly deep emotional connection. He's a nice guy...lots of fun etc, just not a good fit for me. I had really close emotional relationships with a couple of my other guy friends, and things went a bit too far with one of them. I have always been attracted to him and it was something we had never really acted on before. I was curious, deeply unhappy, desperate to escape and I really wanted the emotional connection that was lacking with current bf. That was initially it. Does that answer your question? Why are you curious? Have you ever cheated?

June 25, 2004
7:26 pm
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passion
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2: Sam7
Well there have been times I have gotten involved in serious relationships and doubted that I could be faithful. Not that I was really a cheater in the past just that I doubted giving so much of myslef. I did talk to one of my exboyfriends before and kind of wished we would have done something but I think it was to fill a void.

June 25, 2004
7:30 pm
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Sam7
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Why do you doubt your ability to be faithful? And what void are you trying to fill? I explained mine a bit on the post asking about Eastern philosophy and advice if you want to take a look.

With my current bf, (the guy I cheated with) I am aware of the fact that I am capable of cheating and I have a pretty good idea of what will get me to do it. So we have a deal. I'm allowed to feel that way. It's ok. But I need to talk to him so we can deal with it, rather than letting it simmer so it'll blow up in my face. Mostly for me it's feeling lonely, abandoned, insecure and disconnected. Then if someone starts to pay attentio to me, I'm pretty vulnerable. Haven't had to deal with it yet, but I feel better knowing that I have a way to deal with it. Hope that helps.

June 25, 2004
7:36 pm
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passion
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Yeah I feel all those things too because of my own childhood issues. When I start feeling like that I don't really feel volnurable instead I start hoping someone else will come in and make me feel esteemed. I can't really say I ever cheated but I have been cheated on and I definitely have serious trust issues. I guess in the back of my mind knowing that I can do it mekes me think that will cure my ache.

June 25, 2004
7:47 pm
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Molly
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Time alone is a good thing. Self introspection, but with balance. Not joking. Try writing, all those things that you did that you didn't want to do, but did them for .... all those things that you stuffed, to be with.... Start to look at boundry lines that faded. Look at you , what you want, and hold it dear to your heart, if you don't who else will. The beginning of the end starts with 21 days, no phone calls e-mails, visits, ....... after that time with doing things for you, you will grow stronger every day. Recognition as mentioned before of a bad situation becomes so much more obvious. I am sure you will get along real well.

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