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An eye-opening experience
June 1, 2009
10:10 am
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caraway
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I had a real ah-ha moment this weekend that has helped to see my codendent issues more clearly.

One of my best friends has been going through a breakup and his ex has become aggressive and is basically stalking at this point. I received a call on Sunday morning that the ex had hit my friend, thrown hot coffee, and other things, etc. I rushed over to see how this could have happend and was surprised to learn that my friend had opened the door and sort of allowed this happen.

I helped clean up and checked him out for injury, burn, etc, but was shocked that he would have not refused to open a locked door to someone who is much larger, and has been violent in the past. The ex calls almost daily and threatens to do damage, to call work and make things up, to break some family items that are still in his house (he won't return).

So, why would my friend open the door? I asked and he said that he just wanted to end things peacefully, to try and be friends? Why would any of us feel the need to be friends with someone who treated us like this?

I looked at my history and had to admit that I would have done the same. I would have opened that door because I wanted control. I would have answered the phone when he called, and continued to give him second chances because I needed the drama.

It made me feel a little sick to realize that this isn't over and that my friend will do it again. I just hope that this won't go so far that someone really get hurt.

Cary

PS. The guy had to wait for someone who lived on the property to come through a security gate and drive in while it was still open, before getting to the door. This guy has also been following my friend for a month now, and going to visit my friends 80 year old Mother to gather info on he friend.

June 1, 2009
10:33 am
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sunshine88
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hi cary, thank you for sharing your experience. it gets me thinking... most of us who know very little about codi behavior would perceive this as love. undying love, i guess they call it.

i relate to it, that i would have given thousands of second chances to someone i deeply love, being blind to the bad side of the relationship. trying to save the love, as they say.

June 1, 2009
10:50 am
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atalose
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Caraway,

Thanks for sharing your ah-ha moment!!

I believe that the healthier we become the clearer we can see un-healthy behavior.

It’s kind of like not being able to see the big picture while going through chaos, when it’s clear to healthy people around us.

The idea of the BIG PINK ELEPHANT in the living room of an alcoholic/addict, the family just steps over it, goes around it while others (healthy people) can only see the elephant and wonder why no one else is reacting to it’s bad behavior.

Glad you had an ah-ha moment, they are great aren’t they…..

((caraway))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 1, 2009
11:35 am
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Lanigirl
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Wow, I'm hearing myself in all of these posts. I really appreciate your words.

Good questions = why open the door, why try to stay friends, why be with someone that causes hurt? I'm struggling with those answers.

I've ended it many times just to have him show up at the door and I open it. Usually, it happens after a break of a couple of weeks or months and somehow I lie to myself that I can handle it, it'll be different this time.

June 1, 2009
11:39 am
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Lanigirl
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Wow, I'm hearing myself in all of these posts. I really appreciate your words.

Good questions = why open the door, why try to stay friends, why be with someone that causes hurt? I'm struggling with those answers.

I've ended it many times just to have him show up at the door and I open it. Usually, it happens after a break of a couple of weeks or months and somehow I lie to myself that I can handle it, it'll be different this time.

June 2, 2009
12:25 am
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bblue
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atalose words of truth

my friends have said how can you put up with it - its because we don't want to be the bad one.. we aren't

We need to heal and see the truth.. its hard one of the hardest things I think in my life to face yourself..

BBlue

June 2, 2009
2:46 am
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fantas
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Sounds exactly like my ex. He could really hurt your friend because he is driven right now. Why wont your friend call the police and get an order of restrained and have them accompany him to get his stuff.

June 2, 2009
9:07 am
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sunshine88
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hi there, how's it going? how's your friend doing?

atalose, i like very much the big pink elephant idea. some time before, i was told here that i have unhealthy tendencies in relationships, and i swear i never once thought that i had until i was told that.

hopefully someday, we will be the healthy ones, who could spot the unhealthy behaviors and be able to help each other gain/regain our healthy selves.

June 2, 2009
9:15 am
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caraway
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sunshine and fantas,

My friend is saying that he would rather not call the police because it could ruin this guy's life (having a record, etc.) I believe that it is that he, on some codependent level, is hoping things will change; He says not.

I did get him to go to a CODA meeting last night and he said it was great and that he cried, laughed, and really felt hopeful.

Thanks for checking.

Cary

June 2, 2009
10:18 am
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truthBtold
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Cary,

I am so glad for your ah-ha moment!

Like a wise poster here said to me one time (I regret that I forgot who - fantas maybe?) - that once you know something....you can't un-know it - you know?

Your friend's situation reminds me of a time some years ago when I was in an abusive relationship and finally decided to try and get out - which I did do.

I had to resort to some reverse psychology because there was absolutely no reasoning with the guy.

No reasoning whatsoever.

I basically broke up with him and told him that everything was basically my fault.

That it was due to all my shortcomings, i.e - A, B, C etc... as to the reason why the relationship failed and needed to end.

This went a long way in diffusing his violence and I was able to bow out gracefully and never spoke to him again.

This was an extreme measure and takes a bit of acting, but I am afraid that under the circumstances, when dealing with someone who will absolutely not listen to reason and I feared for my life, had no other option in which to resort to - and it worked.

Hope your friend will be willing and able to finally rid himself of this very dangerous man!

June 2, 2009
11:14 am
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caraway
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TBT,

Great advice! I will share this with him and hope it works.

Thanks for putting some thought in this and being so helpful.

Cary

June 2, 2009
11:22 am
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rubytuezday
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WOW! I really needed to read this post. My last bulletin in my post 'heart ripped out by an addict' explained all the reasons why I fell in love w/ my ex and all the reasons why he his toxic. Toxic reasons nearly doubled the good. He put me in danger so many times. I dont have to say a damn thing to him. Im not angry w/ him- but I believe that I put enough love, time, and loyalty into that relationship- and he burnt it down so many times that I have nothing left to say, nor give. This is the best gift of all- especially to a person who is used to getting what he wants whenever he wants-

And most importantly it is the best gift we can give to ourselves.

HUGS much love to all of you out there dealing w/ these situations.

xoxox

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