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An Eight Year Lie that is Killing me....
November 9, 2005
8:34 pm
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bflogrl
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I am so confused about a man who has been in my life for 8 years....Long story short, he never knew what he wanted.. I moved out of town for a couple years and when I came home for a visit, he told me he loved me. We had a long distance relationship and I moved home because he wanted us to start a life together. Two weeks before I was scheduled to move home, he said he had been having doubts and wanted me to move in with my mother. I was extremely upset and figured with time he would change his mind. Instead of us making are relationship work, (which I thought was perfect) he began changing things, stopped telling me he loved me, began calling me names like b-tch, wacko, family's wacko, retard, tease, etc. all because he would get mad because I wanted to talk about us. I found the other day, that for 8 years, he had been seeing a girl who he had claimed he couldn't stand. And through those 8 years, we dated on and off, and friendships would be on hiatiuos, (ususally because that is what he wanted)and I am not learning it was because he was "confused", one minute he wanted to be with her, the next he wanted to be with me. I have been devestated by this, especially because I always considered him my best friend through all these years, and he always knew everything about me. It concerns me that he kept this so well hidden to the point that I never even knew she existed......He says he hasn't talked to her since last year before we got together, and hasn't dated her in a couple of years...However, he has said although he is glad he is not with her now, he said he did want to make it work back then but she just kept on "f--king him over". I don't feel he is telling me the whole truth. The only reason I found this out is that his 14 year old nephew called me by her name and he says his stepmom called me by her name twice last visit and I never caught it. He said they kept asking him if he had told me....which makes no sense to me as to why, if he was with her when we weren't a couple of years ago, why on earth would they be so concerned about me knowing and why on earth would his family call me by her name. I am in such shock over this and just devestated.....I trusted him completly and feel just "thrown away"......I've been living in this lie and look like such a fool to everyone......I just don't know what to do or where to go from here.....He said he will do whatever he can to fix this, but I don't know if I can trust him......Please help.....

November 9, 2005
8:56 pm
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elizabeth anne
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Trust your instincts. I do not think family members would be calling you her name if this was over a long time ago. Sounds very recent. Perhaps, when you came down they were recently broke up. But believe me, I have been through this before and it is not that easy for someone to get over someone else.

He really needs to let you know the truth. From his reactions, it does not sound like she is out of the picture. Until she is truelly out his life, you will suffer the consequences. I would not devote myself to him, until you really know what the truth is.
The fact that he now tells you he wants you to live with your mother is a BIG RED FLAG.

November 9, 2005
9:50 pm
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mystified
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bflogrl- I have some things for you which you may find interesting....i'm sure you will because the below describes my husband. I got it off the internet: Pathological Liars
"There are many people – particularly men – out there who lead sleazy double lives, like using prostitutes, seeing other women on the side gambling secretively in casinos, going to strip joints and being involved in drug syndicates. Yet on the outside, they work hard and manage to look like decent, respectable individuals"

"Many of these people are actually suffering from some type of addictive disorder. Once their dark side's discovered by a spouse, partner or friend, it can be a tremendous shock and make the unwitting party feel degraded, ashamed and embarrassed about having been lied to and manipulated. They might lose the will to carry on. A discovery like that is almost like a death, because the loss of goodwill and trust can be tremendously difficult to handle."
"A man who tells pathological lies,, is usually very insecure and resorts to this extreme anti-social behaviour because he has no morals and never considers the consequences of his actions. He basically sees himself as inadequate and feels he needs to embellish details to make himself seem more appealing and interesting"
However, once lies are told and discovered, an entire relationship is destabilised and made unsafe. The person who's been deceived begins to question everything the culprit's ever told her.
anyone in this situation should get away from their lying partner, however difficult it may be, because the chances are they'll simply be lied to again – and again. After all, we can't cross-examine everyone we meet – and it's more important to redeem one's faith in human nature than tolerate the degradation of being deceived.
PATHOLOGICAL LIARS
• They're usually very charming, charismatic and persuasive, making them highly attractive and winsome. They can enchant others with their magnetic personalities and appear to have abundant self-confidence. They respond badly to criticism, and usually attack their detractors verbally and emotionally.
• They have an over--inflated sense of self, crave attention and praise and feel a compulsive need to be respected.

I got this info from a website. Like you i was confused and desperate for answers and closure. Well babe you do your homework. The above may not apply to your man but to some degree according to your question and confusion he has lied to you like my man for 8years.

Mystified xox
• They feel no guilt or remorse about hurting or deceiving people: pathological liars are basically very angry individuals and are unable to recognise the rights or dignity of others. Instead, they see everyone as targets or opportunities.
• They're fundamentally incapable of giving or receiving love, since they're unable to understand real compassion or trust.
• They're often authoritarians, or exhibit secretive or paranoid behaviour

November 9, 2005
10:13 pm
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helpplease
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I'm sorry that you're hurting. I have some advice. You are treated the way you allow people to treat you. If you allow yourself to get mixed up with this person, he will continue treating you this way. You need to know you deserve much much better than this. Sever the ties now and find yourself someone who gives you nothing less than what you deserve. And set the bar REALLY HIGH. Because you rock and clearly, he doesn't.

November 9, 2005
10:19 pm
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bflogrl
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Thank you all,
Mystified, you described my prior ex to a tee. He lied about everything you could think of, and when the truth's started to come out, he became physically abusive and I really thought he was going to kill me for it. I came here thinking my "best friend" was what I was always looking for, someone whom you can trust and love.......I can not tell you how alone I feel.....

November 9, 2005
10:45 pm
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Lass
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I've heard it said, more than once, that we trade in one set of problems for a better set of problems on this road of recovery. Perhaps this fellow was some improvement from your previous ex, or a deeper lesson you were ready for.... I see these characters as narcissists who are constitutionaly incapable of being honest with themselves, and so others, as well.

A quote from Nietsche:
"I am not upset that you lied to me. I am upset that now I cannot believe you."

LL

November 9, 2005
11:02 pm
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helpplease
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that's a pretty deep thought from Nietsche. so true.

November 9, 2005
11:53 pm
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mystified
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You don't need to feel alone babes. Ever since i got on this site, i have felt so much better.

My husband and i both had very well payed jobs. We both brought home enough money to have our home payed off in a few years. He loved me, adored me and gave me everything but he also manipulated me lied to me all these 8 years i have been with him. It wasn't until i found out about all his addictions that i actually stopped working to support him maybe it wasn't the best move (i also fell pregnant)but he lost so much respect for me because i wasn't helping with the bills. Yet he had already 5 different types of credit cards, 2 are under my name, he hasn't payed them off and now i have a bad credit rating.The list can go on and on and on believe it or not...everyone knows he have problems, he has gone out there and rubbished me (which isn't the man i married)so he looks like the victim and i have just sat here putting up with his crap in silence.

You always have us to talk to...you don't need to hang out his dirty laundry.
Mysti xox

November 10, 2005
9:32 am
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bflogrl
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Thank you mystified,
I have to say talking on here does giving my some release.....It's nice to know I can come here and talk and people really do listen and care.....Thank you so much......I have decided I needed to get a place of my own, (I am currently living with my mother and that has not been very good either) so I think for me, that is going to be the first step in healing. I am scarred though because I don't make much money at all...well see what the future holds but I know I have to be tough right now, even if it is going to be a rough ride for awhile.....I always have you all to turn too! Thank you...

November 10, 2005
10:50 am
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mystified
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You are very welcome...we are all her i guess for different reasons but the pain is just the same.

I'm glad your taking the first step. thats great to hear. With the money thing learn to budget. I didn't know what that was because i thought my addict hubby had it all under control but now it's very different. we get put in situations we never thought we would be in but they only make us alert,stronger and self reliable.

It's 3.00am now (Down under) and my baby is kicking the crap out of me. I think he wants to sleep.

xoxomystixoxo

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