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Amy, Utahgirl needs some more feedback.
February 24, 2004
12:56 pm
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Utahgirl
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Hi, It's Miss Utahgirl again but I need to state my real name for some reason. I don't know where to start but here it goes. A year ago I started a depressionm management class that lasted for twelve weeks. After the twelve weeks the therapist running the group started a support group in place of the class. I joined in the support group but my parents had a "bad feeling" about me going and did not support in it very much. We all took turns in stating what had happened that week and I did feel it was not real useful I almost quit two months after it started. My parents were going to force me to quit since they are supporting me financially while I want for my hearing on my SSDI case. ( a totally different issue) I fought and we made a deal that if I earned the money by doing chores around the yard they would let me keep going. So I went until Dec. but I had a "bad feeling" about the group since they were giving me advice like not to be totally honest with my parents and don't talk to my bishop(LDS) (like a priest) since he made me upset when I talked to him. Think of him like the devil. I knew that the church would not approve of that advice and I should not go to the group any more. Well, I stop going in Jan. (We had a three week break for the holidays.) I miss them and their input and support and I even sat down and met with the therapist in charge on Feb. 6 about coming back to the group. My parent were really against me going back to the group. I had a problem with some of the things going on in the group. Like one guy who was a abused emotionally by his dad growing up blames his dad for all his problems and now his dad is totally supporting him financially. He (I feel) is taking advantage of the situation and is not trying very hard to find a job. He was offered a job at a call center in Nov. but turned it down because he didn't like the hours. It was a full time job. Then vocational rehabilitation decides to pay for further schooling for him. He made my mad one week when he claimed he couldn't be a mastradee (SP) at a restruant because he only ranked in the 30th percentile in motor skills. But this guy was a paramedic in Baltimore. Now he does not look like he has impairments in motor skills. But I do. One of the ladies has been diagnosis with BPD and claims she was abused by her family because they teased her. It sounded to me like normal teasing and she stated that right after they said it they said I am sorry we didn't mean it. Well maybe these people were abused but I felt they were acting to much like victims and that bothered me so I left the group. Now I miss them and feel I need their support while I wait for my hearing on my SSDI, I get doubting that this SSDI claim is a bunch of lies and I could work full time if I could acquire full time employment. My current therapist who is a clinical psychologist and my psychiatrist, who has known me for over twelve years feel like emotionally I could not handle a full time job. I disagree with their assessment and worry about their claims being false. I want to be part of this group still but I made a decision to not go back and now I need to stick to that decision Jill says( the therapist running the group). I also worry about my SSDI claim and wanting to win my claim but not wanting to at the same time. I don't want free money. But I get so upset when looking for a job I get suicidial and I can't get a full time job. HELP, need your feedback

February 24, 2004
2:06 pm
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Utahgirl
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Please give me some feedback!!!

February 24, 2004
2:52 pm
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marley
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Utahgirl -

I am not sure what an SSDI claim is . . . maybe you could help me out with that.

I know what you are talking about with the support groups. I usually don't find them too helpful myself, just a bunch of people who want to feel icky about themselves and are looking for a forum. Here it is different, everyone actually offers support of some sort that is very positive in nature and we don't HAVE to listen to each other, we can read or not read as it suits us, I like this much better.

First of all, suicide should not be an option - I know of NO religion that condones suicide. Even the JIHAD requires that you give your life for a cause.

Second, why can't you work full time, oh I get it SSDI (Social Security Diasability Insurance) - what is this for? Were you injured? Do you have an impairment?

Third, I am not LDS so I won't even pretend to know how your faith works, but I can't see how getting input from other people in any forum is bad for you. Humans are social creatures and we NEED to interact. When anyone tries to shut you off from some type of interaction it is usually b/c they are worried that you will find something there that they will not agree with.

I am not sure why Jill says you need to stick to your decision to not go back unless you have some problem with making decisions or following through - (I have absolutely NO follow through, so I can't be much help there).

What I can say is that you are a wonderful, unique and important individual simply because you are alive.

February 24, 2004
3:28 pm
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Utahgirl
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Well, I forgot that their are a lot of new people here so I will explain who I am to those who have not been around here for a long time.
I was born two months premature and was very sick as an infant. Had a lot of respiratory arrests which caused some fine motor and gross motor brain damage. Like very mild cerebral palsy. My speech is affected and my voice is very raspy. I also suffer from moderate to severe depression. I also have been diagnosis with obssessive complusive disorder mild form of it.
I graduated with a bachelors degree from a university in special education. I failed my student teaching in April of 1993 and therefore did not obtain a teaching certificate so I could use my degree as a teacher. The next three years I worked for a district as a teacher's aide. I was fired after the first year at a high school but was able to get a job at an elementary school in the same district. I was an aide for a young man with severe cerebral palsy who was in a regular classroom situation. In June of 1996 I was forced to resign that position. I have had a few part time job since that point in time. Two part time job at the same time. Most of the positions I was laid off from and I was not able to move into a full time job because of my physical limitations. I have felt from 96 on that I was a failure since I was not working a 40 hour week at one job. I seem to have looked for work off and on for a long time. I have tried and tried and decided to apply for SSDI when I was laid off from a bank for the second time. I have a lawyer who just does SSDI cases and he thinks we have a good chance of winning my case at the Adminstrative Law Judge level of the appeal process. I have never obtained a permanent full time (40Hours a week) job despite all my efforts. I am so confused.

Jill wanted me to make a commitment and stick with it since I seem to be wishy washy as far as my decision to come to group or not.

LDS stands for
The Chuch of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints(Mormons). We believe that we can get personal direction from God though the Holy Ghost. We are also taught that people like our parents can get personal revaltion for us and that what my parents feel they have been given concerning me going to this group therapy. I felt the same way but because of the group members acting like victims like I stated in my original post. But now I miss their support.

February 24, 2004
4:52 pm
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gypsygirl
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Hey Utah, One thing I know about mormons is that they/we are very judgemental. This could be the case with you and the group. I just quit my group also a few months ago, because A girl there was trying to get to personal with me. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that you go to group to focus on you and your issues, not them and how they act or what they say. And take their advice with a grain of salt. You can't isolate yourself from everyone who gives you bad advice. If you did that you would be all alone. Your parents have your best interest at heart, and want you to only hang aroung with people that have the same values as them. Perhaps they are overprotective? But the truth is your an adult and can make desisions for yourself. Just follow your heart.

February 24, 2004
6:35 pm
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Utahgirl
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Wonderful to get your feedback Gypsygirl. I hope things are going well for you. I tought about sending you an e-mail Christmas card during the holidays but was not sure of your current e-mail. I hope you might still have mine.

The irony about the group is that none of the members in the group were active in the church. It was hard for me to not really react to what they were talking about. I think I made the right decisions but I have a need to get others input and to talk about what is worrying me Something I think I need to keep working on in my life.

Gypsy, If I remember right you are on SSDI. Was it hard for you to accept that assistance. If I get it I will feel so guilty! How do ou look at it??

February 24, 2004
7:19 pm
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I still get SSDI, I don't feel guilty because I put ten years in the workforce, and I was at the point where I physically could not go to work any longer. I have been on it two years now. I get reviewed in a year.

I still have the same email. I might still have yours, I haven't looked at my address book in a while.

February 25, 2004
1:48 am
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Utahgirl
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I know some people are here late at night and so thought I would try to get others feedback.

February 25, 2004
10:48 am
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mj
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Welcome back Utahgirl.

I agree with gypsygirl....trusting yourself. Sometimes I get really insecure and need exterior feedback but am finding if I sit still, meditate, and reconnect with my spiritual source, and really listen, the answers do come.

February 25, 2004
11:50 am
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Utahgirl
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I just hate me this morning for trying to get on SSDI. I should be looking for a full time job 80 hours a week and no excuses for not getting a job. I hope, right now,that I don't win at the hearing level since I can't cancel the hearing without getting in big trouble with my parents. I Don't know why I struggle with this. My therapist think I am in denial that I am disabled. Okay, if I'm disabled then why am I so close to being "normal"? I hate me so much so often!

February 25, 2004
11:57 am
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mj
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Perhaps Amy acceptance that you are ok today, just the way you are. Focus on accepting all of you, just for you today.
Embrace what is and love thyself, imperfections, strengths, weakness, all of you. Focus on Loving YOU.

February 25, 2004
12:08 pm
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mj
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My sis pointed out to me that anytime I use the word Should....I am shoulding on myself.

Why do you think you are not enough...cause you don't work full time? I have a disability now. I have learned to accept it as part of who I am. It is ok to limp. I limp. I use to run, play tennis, jog, and was very physically active.

Now, I accept that I can ride my stationary bicycle with more tolerance. I can walk on flat surfaces with tolerable pain. I am still I even with my disability. I am what I am. It's OK. I am learning to love me as the person I am. I make mistakes. I am still loveable.

Hugs Amy....

February 25, 2004
1:53 pm
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gypsygirl
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What I meant earlier by saying that mormons are judgemental, is that they see other people as not being perfect for not being the same religion, they spend so much time teaching us that they are outsiders, and that we have to be perfect, without sin to get into heaven. So that all translates into (for me) that if I make a mistake than I am not perfect, and if I am not perfect than no one will like me. So I spend so much time hating myself for not being perfect that I forget to embrace the things about myself that are wonderful and acceptable. No one can be perfect. I have been out of that religion for more than ten years now, but since I was raised mormon, I still have their beliefs burned into my head. I am not Anti-Mormom, don't get me wrong. I guess all I am, trying to say is don't be so judgemental of yourself. Not everyone was meant to have a job. You will come into your life plan as soon as you quit trying to swim upstream. Go with the flow.

February 25, 2004
1:56 pm
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Utahgirl
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People will understand why I got SSDI? I don't think so. They will think you are pretty normal so get a damn job you Lazy Piece of S***. That is what I think of myself a lot of the time when I know Iam just going to school and not looking for work. I can't accept it. People make my disability a big deal. It's not real in my mind it is an excuse for being lazy( like the guy in the group I was in).

February 25, 2004
1:57 pm
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Utahgirl
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I am trying to figure things out in my mind again.

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