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AMIABUSED needs advice on physical abuse
September 4, 2007
7:28 pm
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AMIABUSED
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My husband sprays me down with a water hose against my explicit wishes, if he believes I am talking in a "loud voice" and there is the remote chance someone might over hear the conversation when we are in our yard ( we live 1/4 mile from the next house and no one is visibily in sight). When I get upset about being soaked, my husband claims that I'm irrational and that spraying me down is not physical or emotional abuse. Immediately proceeding today's most recent incident, I clearly articulated when he threatened to spray me, that I feel spraying me with a water hose is a personal attack and explicitly asked him not to do it. My husband goes so far to even laugh at my suggestion that him spraying me down when I'm dressed is a form of physical abuse. There are other similar incidents in our relationship, like hitting me in the face with a pillow. He believes these types of incidents are not phsyical abuse, because they don't "hurt" (although the pillow actually did temporarily hurt, when it smacked my face). thoughts?

Could you please let me know whether spraying someone down with water against their wishes would be considered physical abuse? or abusive in any way? This is just one example of where he claims that he is not being abusive, because there is no "physical" evidence.

September 4, 2007
7:36 pm
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Anonymous
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the worst kind of abuser is not able to see his abuse and their effects and then minimizes into your problem, to me that is also mental and spiritually abusive as well as physical...and needs to end soon here.

September 4, 2007
9:25 pm
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sad sack
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Hi,

Yes, I do believe that you are being abused. Abuse is not measured in the degree of physical harm inflicted.

He is treating you in a cruel and disrespectful manner. That is abuse. He is laughing at you when you are expressing your displeasure and dissatisfaction. That is abuse.

He is trying to control you and the way you behave.

I wouldn't treat a dog the way he treats you.

Sad

September 4, 2007
9:43 pm
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soofoo
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He sounds very immature. How old is he? It sounds like he's not taking you seriously. And he should be.

This is a difficult problem. I'm reminded of my XH who would tickle my son way, way too much. Till my son would cry and throw a atntrum. He did it when my son was annoying him (he was 2 or 3). I'd tell him to stop and he was so stubborn about it. Never took me or my son seriously about it. It was his way of releasing his anger. He'd do it to me too, but not as much. To this day though, I do not like to be tickled at all because of this.

Sometimes couples flirt with each other in this way, but not if one doesn't like it. For example, my bf knows he can throw me in the pool if I have my bathing suit on and I smile when he says he's going to do it. But if I shoot him a look, he knows it's off limits.

I do think this is a sort of passive way of abusing someone. Your H can always say "I was only kidding" and act like you just need to lighten up.

I support your efforts to stand up for yourself. Your H is out of line.

You may need a third party to intervene and help you out here. Like a counselor (if you see one) or someone both you and your H respect. Someone who can help you get the point across that this isn't funny and needs to stop now.

September 4, 2007
11:40 pm
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_anonymous
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AMIABUSED- What he is doing is unacceptable. In order to make him stop tell him what you will do the next time he does it then do it. If it were me I would tell someone the next time they sprayed me with a hose I will go to the court and I wont be back until I have a kick out order and the sheriff. And I would do that.

September 5, 2007
1:23 am
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fantas
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IAMABUSED,
You are the one who defines what is abusive to you not him. I think everything he is doing is abusive. He disrepects your wishes and then minimizes the effect this has on you. I think in the future, he will be more physically abusive. I think he is simply gaging where you are with it all and wearing you down slowly by slowly. You need stand up for yourself and let him know with no uncertain terms that you will not put up with this. Right now I do not think he is taking anything you do seriously and I think he is not convinced that you can stand up for yourself. Have you considered therapy for yourself? Do you have children with this man? How long has this been going on? I guess I am trying to figure out what has made you put up with him for this long? Keep us posted>

September 5, 2007
12:33 pm
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StronginHim77
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Yes. This is abuse. Inform him that you will report him to the authorities if he repeats ANY of these actions (pillow-hitting, hose-spraying, etc.). If he fails to respect your clear boundaries, then REPORT HIM and take appropriate legal action.

Abusers always escalate. What he is doing is testing the limits. If you tolerate or excuse these behaviors, they will get worse. Please, please take action and protect yourself.

Frankly, I would recommend you leaving this man entirely. He is abusive, disrespectful and NOT an emotionally healthy partner. You will always have to keep your radar up with him, as long as you are with him. Don't you deserve better?

- Ma Strong

September 5, 2007
12:46 pm
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nappy
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Ummmm

You sound like he is spraying you down like an animal that is dirty.
Now it is a difference if you both are washing the car and just out there having fun but he physical abuse you and then laugh about it like he is not doing anything wrong.

See he would have been told one time to not do that again, second time I would of knock the hell out of him because I wouldn't see anything funny.

Then I can just see you walking into the room for something and he then hit you in the face with the pillow especially when you don't know that it is coming. Please........
He would be scared to even lay his head down on a pillow when I got through with him.

He is only doing what you allow him to do. If you don't like it then do something about it.

And if he still don't get it, then have him something pack and put a note on that same pillow and tell him to go and lay his head down somewhere else until he get's it.
Nappy!

September 5, 2007
1:00 pm
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soofoo
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Nappy, I love your style, you make me laugh.

I wanted to say that I think fantas is right about him wearing you down little by little.

Because I'm thinking about how my XH got worse and worse. And how he wore me down.

September 5, 2007
5:20 pm
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nappy
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Soofoo,

Thank you.

I guess as I get older, I just don't play anymore with stupid stuff.

Especially with stupid mens. (smile)

Nappy!

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