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amalgamation
June 5, 2007
9:44 am
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solace
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Hello : )

I have recently moved in with my new partner, having gone through the process of separation, and now divorce. I have two children, and so does he. And miraculously they all get along, despite age and gender differences.

A brief history...

My partner cheated on me last year, I forgave him, but found it hard to deal with, asking him for a chronology, and removing items from his house that she had touched.

I recently spent a week away during which I had a one night stand. Destroyed by guilt, I told him about it.

He forgave me.

That was then.

Things have changed. What we have done, is set ourselves up for insecurity. Not really a recipe for happy families.

I have the choice to move out and find a flat to live in. I would be alone. I would have my children, but I would be struggling.

I love this man.

And at times, I despair.

Does anyone have experience of the transitional period between a first marriage and a second relationship? Or has been throught a kind of yo-yo of infidelity, and survived? Or is there anyone out there who can just be with me a while? I feel alone in this...

Thank you,

_solace_x

June 5, 2007
9:50 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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solace,

the book "mars and venus starting over" is a good read.

It goes into the transition from divorce to starting over - including new relationships.

And what you describe is something called rebound relationship.

It is not uncommon.

The question is - can you recover?

Well, I know that I was cheated on with two partners.

And the first time it happened, we did the counseling and everything. But his actions did not help me "recover" from the loss of trust. He did nothing to earn it back. In fact, his behaviours (erratic) continued, which made the insecurity and lack of trust continue. In the end, he did it again.

Now, I have a partner who cheated, but who really seemed sincere about his desire to make it up to me and prove he wants to continue to be with me.

And his actions proved it.

And that was two months ago, and I sleep well at night now...the trust issue doesn't even come up. Well, I won't lie...it does on some level. like his cell...if I see a number I don't recognize, I ask him about it. It's usually work related...but he says he understands my apprehension...and it's ok to keep asking.

I try not to make it a habit of it, because he has done nothing to make me think it will happen again. But still I get a little curious who he is calling. More out of nosey curiosity than fear of him cheating.

My other one - he kept passwords on everything...had excuses for everything...and kept a myspace account and numerous email accounts...he didn't take calls while he was with me and didn't get calls at our home...only when he went out alone.

So, if you really love this guy...maybe some therapy for yourself to resolve all your old baggage....and maybe make sure that your actions speak louder than your words.

If he has trust issues from this, some therapy for him may be helpful.

but joint therapy is not really a good thing because you both have to get thru your own baggage first. Plus, you may feel freeer to speak about your own issues without the other present.

I wish you luck.

June 5, 2007
9:58 am
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solace
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risingfromtheashes,

Thank you for your words. I can relate to everything you say here, and am encouraged by the fact that these imperfect beginnings in a relationship, can be overcome.

I have to go out to collect my children from school now, so I can't write much more, but I will check back in later, and have another question for you, if you don't mind.

I am glad to hear that you have come through this painful journey.

Thank you...

_solace_ x

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