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am trying no contact, please help
September 6, 2006
11:26 am
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wazz
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I have posted here recently (I know I'm co-dependent but cant seem to let go). Briefly to recap, I've been in a 5 1/2 year relationship with a man who has since married and have forgiven him so much...he's just come back from a two-week holiday with his wife, professing undying love etc., but today he called me by her name 'without thinking'.

I am sick of feeling guilty, justifying myself, etc. He thinks that saying sorry for a Freudian slip is OK, but I've been trying to make sense of this whole relationship for such a long time. I love him so much - and I know he loves me, but I just need someone to put me first.

Please help me convince myself this is the right thing to do...I need to get free of this burden...already he's trying to make it my fault for making an
issue of him calling me his wife's name...but he did it, which negates my personality even more.

I feel like the lowest piece of crap right now...is anyone there?

September 6, 2006
11:44 am
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risingfromtheashes
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wazz,

all I can say is that it's not US that needs to convince you it's the right thing to do, YOU need to convince you.

I think that he is probably right, in that, calling you his wife's name is just a small thing.

But at the same time, it's HUGE cuz it's probably the tip of the iceberg....the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

I didn't read your story, so I don't know where he stands with his wife, but realistically, you need to find a man that has the capacity to commit to you....on an emotional, mental, and physical level. He can't if he is still married. And if he is promising to end it, then tell him come back when it's done.

I don't know you, BUT I DO KNOW, that NO WOMAN deserves to be sloppy seconds, or wait around for a man to make his choice.

He chose her when he married her....and you are only hurting yourself by allowing him to be with you while committed (legally, physically and mentally) to her.

YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE.

I know love is blind and we do so much in hopes to have the love we think we have found.....but when you step away and get a clear look at what you truly have.....you will find that the true love you seek is only a fantasy and the reality of what you have is not as rosey as you see now.

No contact is the ONLY way to clear your head.

I was in a bad relationship and it wans't until I initiated no contact AND HEALED from it for many weeks, that I could clearly see how dysfunctional and painful my relationship was and how much I was cheated out of a truly loving wonderful relationship.

I stopped dating and worked on being happy on my own and low and behold, I met someone, when I wasn't looking and things are moving along very well....I can't say it's a sure bet, but I know that I am seeing things with a clear vision and the reality I see is the same as the reality other's see, so I am not fantasizing or romanticizing this relationship.

The number one way to heal a relationship is to HEAL YOURSELF - then the rest falls into place.

September 6, 2006
12:02 pm
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wazz
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rising...

...thank you. you're so right - it was the straw that broke the camel's back. It's not the first time he's called me by her name...every time it's hurt, but i've been able to deal with it. It's just that I felt that one more time would do it.

I keep telling myself I deserve more...but it makes me angry that I am settling for so little.

I so badly need to find the strength to do what I know I must - no contact - but it's so hard. I've done the first, easy stage - telling him that I need somebody to put me first - but already he's telling me either my friends or bad movies have put words in my mouth. No one has - it's all coming from my heart.

I wish I didn't love him - or perhaps, in your words - I wish love wasn't blind - I also wish I didn't have this awful clarity about the situation, which makes me want to act, which makes me know which action I should take...but there's some horrible attachment to him which makes it - i would say impossible - but if not that, so so hard. I know there are those of you out there who have done it...did you have help? friends? company? how did it feel in the middle of the night?

September 6, 2006
12:13 pm
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Loralei
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wazz said,"I've been in a 5 1/2 year relationship with a man who has since married"

Does that mean while you were seeing him that he married someone else?

You will never be happy until you find a man who will put you first in his life. Unless he gets a divorce in order to be with you, he is putting his marriage/wife ahead of you, no matter what he is saying.

No contact is the only way out of this mess. You have to be away from him long enough to see the picture clearly. I've been in no contact for over 3 months and am just now beginning to see my ex bf for what he is. Before, my mind and heart were too clouded with love and desire to see the man objectively. Only now can I see that I was merely used for his sexual pleasure. My friendship was used as his free "therapy" to help him get over a previous girlfriend. I was never first with him. I'm not sure if I was even on his list. I gave and gave and got little back from him. I couldn't see it at the time. I kept making excuses for his behavior. Now I realize that moving on and leaving him behind was the best thing for me to do. It wasn't a healthy relationship. And yours doesn't sound too healthy either. But you need to step away from it before you'll be able to truly see it for what it is.

September 6, 2006
12:41 pm
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wazz
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Yes. Loralei, he was living with her when we met. I didnt think he'd actually go through with it, but the date was set for a big wedding in venice, friends and family flying out etc.

I had come out of a 12 year marriage, with four years after that on my own through choice before I met him.

God help me, he sounded like the perfect fling - a present to myself - I wanted no commitment, he was already committed.

My burden, my punishment, is that I can see the whole thing objectively - always could.Everything you say is how I feel - with the added burden of other people's judgment banged on. It's not healthy, I know it. But...I need to dig up the strength to stay away. I am an addictive personality. I beat alcohol. I smoke way too many cigarettes. I just find it so hard to let go....

Love...wazz

September 6, 2006
12:52 pm
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Loralei
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As for how I managed to go the no contact route . . . you just have to live through the pain. You're already in pain now, aren't you? It's not like you are going from a happy situation into a bad one. If you had a great relationship, you wouldn't be here trying to find a way out of it. Yes, it is painful and very difficult, especially in the beginning. It's a withdrawal process and you will be continually tempted to contact him again to ease your pain. But once you realize that staying in the relationship only prolongs your unhappiness and that as long as you are with him, the pain will continue. Withdrawing from him will hurt, but it is temporary. The pain of the loss will ease over time and fade away. It is the first difficult step you have to take that is the hardest. But it gets easier as time passes. You have to go through this process so you will be free to pursue healthy relationships.

Yes, it really helps to have friends to talk to even if it's just online. Or write in a journal. Or write emails to yourself (not him) just to put your thoughts and feelings on paper. It helps to get it out of your system and then re-read them when you are feeling weak, to remind yourself why you ended it. Be strong. You can do this.

September 6, 2006
12:58 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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wazz,

perhaps going to meetings, or therapy will help?

it's very common to trade one addiction for another -

women who love too much is a very good book to read, it explains how we get addicted and how to break free.

codependent no more is another.

you knew you didn't want commitment, so it WAS perfect, but because of your addictions, it was easy to get addicted to him even tho you knew it was a dead end.

you need to resolve WHY you get addicted and heal that part of you before you can find someone healthy.

I broke my addiction when my ex when he cheated on me for the SECOND time and had just taken my money for deposit on a truck......I was so ashamed that I had kept him around to hurt me twice that I had NO choice but to make him leave. I impulsively told him to go, in anger, and really, as much as I wanted to take him back, knew I couldn't this time. Add in that the next day, I came home to find he had moved all his stuff out (and stole my stuff), so there wasn't time to change my mind either.

I recovered with help from people on this board, and my higher power....I was going to therapy and 12 step groups, but they weren't what I needed this time around.....I had to find my strength within myself and deal with it head on.....and not run into a new relationship either.

Whenever I was weak, I thought of all the bad things he did to me....and before long, I couldn't think of the good things, or why we were together.

I knew that the cravings to be with him were based on my PHYSICAL need to be with SOMEONE - and anyone would have been able to satisfy that, not just him.

The more I realized how much I had settled, the more I realized that I was on the right path to freedom and love.

in the end, it has to come from within yourself.

September 6, 2006
1:28 pm
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nappy
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Wazz, I am in the same situation right now. I am not going to contact him anymore. My last time was the other day and by leaving two messages on his phone and he didn't return them, Well screw him!
He always said that the biggest fear was when I was going to let him go, well he do understand now that it was him that was pushing me backward. The game of shutting off your feeling from me and then putting them back on when after we have had sex and now you giddy looking at me all in my face until something else comes along and then you are not happy. Life is to short to be mourning over someone that is still walking this earth. Those type of people will be still here. But people like us will be still walking also but more with our head high and giving thank to god for all what he has done for us. I realize this morning that all of the peoples that has came into my life was for a reason, and also a reason that they left also. But god has never left me through all what I have went through in life and by putting him first before man, has really giving me peace.

September 6, 2006
1:47 pm
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JeanieMovingOn
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Wazz, When I am feeling weak and tempted to break NC yes there are the good tricks others have recommended like making lists of all the terrible things. What I also do is simply sit there and write a letter with absolutely everything I want to tell him- - and I tell myself that if I still really want to contact him in a couple days then there it is, i have written everything I want to say and it's in that letter, and it helps me focus a bit on other things. Of course in a couple days I've regained my willpower...

And the best "trick" I do on myself is to say "hey, if it's really meant to be, our relationship, then this time will actually be a time of growth and later make everything stronger." Of course some people might disagree with me this is a bit of self-delusion, but really, you don't know what will happen in 1 or 5 years... I know this is how I once got out and stayed out of a dysfunctional relationship, and believe it or not 4 years later I am good friends with this guy, who tells me dumping him and our emotional, crazy relationship was what got him back into therapy adn helped him figure out a LOT of unprocessed issues that were interfering in our relationship. Now we were truly in love, it was a bit dramatic and dysfunctional but probably the closest to functional relationship I've ever had, but he NEEDED those 4 years of space to work through stuff. We're living in different cities now, but who knows... maybe one day... point is I managed to get out and "save" us both 4 years of dysfunctional misery and GIVE us both 4 years of growth by telling myself, if it's meant to happen one day it will, but much much later. It's a trick but it worked.
Because you really need the NC and the time and space to really see things clearly. There is NOTHING to be lost by no contact, and everything to be gained- - strength, sanity, willpower, self-worth.

I myself am also ending a relationship now that just started "as a fling" and I see now how easy it was to get addicted to it and how much pain it caused me... I think I've learned my lesson about flings- - you don't choose the best person or hold them to the highest standard to start with but then if you're like me, get addicted to them and want to change them, hope that it could somehow be a real thing...
So good luck, stay strong.

September 6, 2006
1:49 pm
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wazz
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dear nappyare you? is he married? Its so hard when he makes it your fault (for not stopping him getting married) (for having a child when he's married to someone else) for not telling him you loved him when he was doing all that.

Darling, when the shit hit the fan, and his wife was pregnant, I did meet someone - every young girl's dream - an ex Gaultier male model, ex punk rock star, present addict - who thought I was the most amazing thing since sliced bread.

He said he just wanted to be with me, I asked him to just hold me through the night - I cdn't mke love to him because I was in love with the other person. He accepted that.

The next mornng my phone kept ringing and ringing - in the end my bedroom window burst open and it was my boyfriend (wh0 had a pregnant wife) who was checking up on me. I was tryig to get away. Sorry, I fucked up. What did I do? Got the other guy to go,...took HIM back.

HELP!

September 6, 2006
1:51 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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yeah, it's okay to dellude yourself....as long as you aren't doing it to "win him back later on".

cuz chances are, there may not be a later on.

more than likely, as time goes on, we realize that it was the best thing we could have done for ourselves.

whatever it takes to stay away, go for it.....as you stay in no contact, the realities will become more apparent and your thinking more healthy.

Jeanie says that now she is friends with her ex, and I can say that my ex-ex and I can talk without anger now.....tho I doubt I will ever talk to my ex ever again.....but my ex-ex and I were friends first.....and now that time has passed, and the anger has subsided and I am healthier, we can talk without worrying about getting back into things together.

September 6, 2006
2:23 pm
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JeanieMovingOn
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Yes rising we've only been able to talk "normally" for maybe about a year now, so that's THREE years after the relationship ended! And maybe it's only easy not to fall back into it because we're living in different cities. (I saw him over Christmas and I must admit, we started hooking up again for a couple weeks. But it was under the understanding and expectation that I live somewhere else now and lead a different life. Now perhaps it wasn't the healthiest thing to do to hook up with him... this is why actually unless you live in different cities I recommend NC even after three years! I loved seeing him again, he has grown so much, but I also realized that even though I still love him a lot and he's a truly wonderful person, he's not "the one" for me and it was only all that DRAMA before that made me think that. Now how, living in the same city and stayng in contact, would I be able to stay away from someone who is fantastic, wonderful, kind, absolutely sensitive and not abusive, but just not 100% right for? NC is really good I tell you...)

September 6, 2006
5:38 pm
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wazz
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dear rising and jeanie... It's been hard.
My ex husband has moved to New Zealand and has left me with our son - had to fight for him to stay here in London . I thought that was my life... then, 4 years later I met the man. He juat went off and got married, please god, i tried to do the right thng and let him go God I tried...

September 6, 2006
5:43 pm
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wazz
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HEY YOU...dance!!!

love wazz

September 6, 2006
8:00 pm
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taj64
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Dear Wazz,

I was in very similar situation as you, fell for a married guy and this lasted, the dance, for about 3 years. Even though you say he loves you, he is not showing his love. If he wanted to be with you, he would have been a long time ago. It is not realistic to "hang in there" with this man. Even if he is free, he may not have chosen you in the first place. I think no contact and give it the time it deserves so that you can see how this works. Give it at least 3 to 6 months and that mean absolutely no contact, no visible contact, no phoning, messenging etc even distant glances. If you want a better life for yourself, it will pay off in the long run to get out of it because 5 1/2 years is too long to hang in there. You will spend another 5 years if you don't break the chain. It is very tough. I was in same boat and heartbroken for long time. I still have feelings for him, but to see him again would set me way back. He kept telling me he loved me too, blah, he doesn't know the meaning of it going back and forth between two woman. It is very ego stroking for a man to have two loves. He can fall back to one if one doesn't work. As long as both women keep up the dance, he doesn't have to make up his mind. He is weak man and all the more reason to end the charade. He cannot be there for you. Your heart will heal if you truly want it too by letting all this go.

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