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Am I wrong
May 9, 2001
3:27 pm
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stones_dj
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I have posted here several times in the past and have gotten some good input, therefore I am turning to the message board again. I have been divorced 5 years with a 5 year old daughter. ( My daughter was three months when I got divorced) I have been dating another women for about 4 1/2 years. Although over the 4 1/2 years we have lived together our relationship has been rocky. Well to make a long story short I really didn't want to commit and get married and she does. Basicaly I feel I am being committed by living together? she says that is not a commitment. Well reciently she got tired of the "Lack of Committment" and basically threw me out saying she needs her space. Now she wants me to move right back in after 6 weeks. However, I told her that I wanted us to go to counseling before we make that step again. Is this wrong for me to want us to go to counseling before we move right back in together? Basically she said that was the only way she was going to mend our relationship. Should I move in or should I stick to my guns and go to counseling first...

May 9, 2001
4:16 pm
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malaikau
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Dear Stones,

Your idea about counseling is probably a good one, but it's hard to get an unwilling participant to engage in a healthy therapeutic relationship with a counselor. There is a great likelihood that if you sought individual counseling it might help your relationship just as much as if you sought couples counseling... Just something to consider.

It seems like your partner is looking for more than you feel comfortable giving at this point. And that means someone is going to have to compromise their needs for now. The two of you will have to come to some sort of agreements before you move back in with her if you want to have success in your relationship. Please take the time to communicate about what each of you expect from the other before making such a big step!

Good Luck!!!

Mal

May 9, 2001
5:50 pm
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Molly
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You are not committed by living together. There is no guarentee, either way, but there are socially, psycholigical, emotional, financial, legal, yada yada yada reasons to be married, vs SHACK UP. So after 4 years what is the hang up with you? I don't blame her, everything out there is stating quit giving away the milk, and make them buy the cow!! Women want some sort of security, even if it is psudo security, but the longer you stay in shack up mode, the more tangeled and not together things get. It effects trust, and when you get older it effects you more. Are you thinking of the ex? Past issues unresolved? If in your heart you love this woman, and want to share the rest of your life with her, what is wrong with the contract? What is you hesitation, and that might be the answer as to weather or not to move back. If she has dropped it today, it will come up again, trust me.

May 9, 2001
7:30 pm
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gingerleigh
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I have to agree with what Molly says. I've personally lived with 2 different men at different points in my life where marriage did not result, and all it did was strain and ruin the relationship.

My advice to anyone now would be not to move in with someone unless you are getting married, are engaged, or at least seriously planning on it.

Don't do something that you are not ready for. 6 weeks is not enough time for "space". Take some time not living together to just "date" and figure out if you want to be together or not.

Good luck.

May 9, 2001
7:46 pm
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Alena
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Hmmmm....this sounds really familiar, like someone very close to me is going through the same thing. He is the guy, she threw him out. And what I tell him is what I will tell you. Don't go back. What do you want to go to counseling for? Is it to see if you can get along better while you are living together? Is it because you want to marry her someday? If it's for the latter, than yes, I think you should go, even if it's just yourself. It can't hurt. But if you don't want to marry her, then forget it. She wants to get married and that's the way it is. 4 years is a long time Stones for a woman to just go with a guy and not be freakin about a commitment. Trust me, it's just the way it usually is.

Why does she want you to move back in?
Why did she boot you out? The commitment thing? Is that your biggest problem together?

May 10, 2001
12:18 am
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malaikau
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I feel compelled to say, that in reality, marriage is simply a legal event. Real commitment comes from the heart, with or without a piece of paper. Society and organized religions have all kinds of reasons why some people should be married, and some people are not allowed to be married. It's just a piece of paper. I think that either you and your partner have trust and security within your relationship, or you don't. A marriage is a legal contract that can be dissolved at any time. It will not make your relationship more meaningful or secure. Look within yourself,your partner, and your relationship to find the right answers.

Sincerely,

Mal

May 10, 2001
11:31 am
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Molly
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I used to support that concept, I am older now, and I see, the lack of committment with out the paper. i have seen what it has done to the family, birth controll doesn't always work, then the kids, no the contract is not the end all, but it is one hell of a support system for holding things together, makes you work to seperate, vs just jump ship. Why do you think the gays have pushed for legal marriage, there are so many complications in law with respect to property insurance, taxes, and trust, look how many men and women have been burned bad, because of the shack up. Look how many kids have been tossed around. It might be an interesting study of the legnth of time a shack up lasts vs the number of marriages, and observe time frames.

May 10, 2001
12:19 pm
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stones_dj
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So how old are you molly my girlffiend is 39 and I am 31. Do you thinnk that it is an age difference issue.? Also, I got burnt with my ex wife. She got everything. I left with the cloths on my back. That is it. I just think we should go to counseling before we make that committment of moving back in together..

May 10, 2001
3:46 pm
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Ladeska
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Go to counseling. Don't move back in until you do this. You guys have a very different idea of what committment is and you need to "see" this.

When you play house before the committment is really there and accepted by both parties - then everything gets distorted and will grow crooked regardless of what you do.

She's wanting the instant family and security thing and you're not ready. Well - then don't do it. It's that simple. She either understands and respects that or she doesn't. It's your life and decision "also".

The happily ever after song and dance - is just that...a song and dance. It's alot of hard work with periods of happy in it.
And "you" need to respect her enough not to "allow" her to move back in because she's way too vulnerable to how that all "feels" to her....she's not strong enough to resist wanting it all....so don't allow her to be in that position by caving in. It's not good for her.

I don't blame her at all for wanting a committment of this nature...it's been a few years now. BUT, if you don't want this - then she's wasting her time and barking up the wrong tree and you both need to see this big difference and gap bet. you.

Counseling may really clarify this and what it's all about with both of you.

May 10, 2001
10:16 pm
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malaikau
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Molly,

I respect your opinion, but it is only that, an opinion. I think it's dangerous to tell others what they should or should not do, rather than provide information and allow them to make independent choices. I also wonder if it has ever occurred to you that "the gays" might simply want the same rights as everyone else, and that this desire is most likely based in equality, not necessarily legality. This may explain many corporate trends toward allowing employees to add "same household family members" under their medical insurance coverage without a marriage certificate. Many gay couples opt for a marriage ceremony although there is not legally binding "contract". Possibly because the act is based in love and commitment, not legality, and not in the desire to try to provide oneself with a false assurance that the relationship will be more stable, but rather as a public demonstration of that love and commitment. Just some opinions to consider. . .

Respectfully,

Mal

May 10, 2001
10:32 pm
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Gateway
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Hey stones. A couple of things. Age difference depends on the couple. Many couples have significant age differences, but they have so much in common that age doesn't matter. If your likes and dislikes are compatable then age should not matter.

Another thing, what you ex did to you should not be compared to what your current girlfriend is like. They are not the same and if you really want to piss off your mate, spout off with a statement like "You know my ex usd to do the same thing." Im certain your lady does not act anything like your ex nor does she care to.

I agree with what Molly had to share. I have friends at work that live with their girlfriend and they are under the impression that if the relationship gets bad, they can walk out w/o any commitment.

Well, hello...I don't know of any marriage that started out perfect and no problems have ever surfaced. Marriage means that when the dudu hits the fan, we work it out together as a united front. Living together, to me, doesn't hold that same level of commitment as does "I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life being with you." "What ever mountains we come across, we will overcome them together."

I've been at the "Lets just live together and see how it goes routine." Too easy to give up.

Don't do anything until you seek counseling and are firmly decided what's best for you and the both of you. If you are not ready for marriage, then don't do it. If she is, then you need to let her seek that out for herself.

May 11, 2001
7:49 am
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struggler
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Dear friend,
It sounds as though she is trying to manipulate you in everyway. Stick to your guns and go to counseling. Marriage should be a joyful wonderful event- not with a shot gun approach.

Good luck - you will neeed it!

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