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Am I totally unreasionable?
September 29, 2003
9:14 am
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gypsygirl
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I told my Beau the other night that I would not have alcohol, tobacco, or porn in my life anylonger. I told him that those things made me unhappy. I need to start looking out for my own happiness... He got upset and defensive, but eventually agreed to cut those things out of our lives. The next day he tried to justify why he needs those things. I stood my ground and told him to do what he needs to do, but I will not compromise anylonger.

I told him that I used to have moral standards, and that I wanted them back. I don't want my children to grow up thinking that it is alright to use those things.

For some reason seven years ago I let those things in my life. I let my standards slip, and I got deeply involved with someone who has that sort of lifestyle. I understand that I cannot expect someone to change for me. I have to give him the chance to, because we have a daughter together.

I don't like him when he drinks. I hate the way it smells, I hate that I am the one who has to look out for him. I hate the snuff also. It makes his breath smell. it is always in his teeth. I stopped kissing him a long time ago. Shit I don't even have sex with him really, and when I do it is just so he will leave me alone afterwards. He is a self admitted sex addict.

I see less and less of a future for us. I have come a long way to improve myself, and I must stand my ground. I do not want to be depressed for the rest of my life.

We have made some new friends and they turned out to be drinking buddies. He went out with them friday night and he came home and said that they want me to get drunk and let loose. Nothing pisses me off more than that. I can have fun without drinking. And if they think I will leave my kids to go out and get drunk they are just wrong. I want to include my children in my life. Why can't we go Bowling or something?

He thinks that he has to dump all of his friends because they all drink. He is taking things to the extreme.

My question is how the hell did I wind up like this? What ever happened to my standards. How did I wind up with an alcohlic, sex addict?

September 29, 2003
11:47 am
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gypsygirl
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any comments at all?

September 29, 2003
11:55 am
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tooscared
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I wanted to comment Gypsy but didn't have time earlier. I think that there are times in our lives when we want something so badly that we allow certain principles in our lives to be compromised. But then, just like you are doing, we kind of wake up and realize that those things that we think we need or want are really hurting us more than helping us.

Maybe you had to go through this period of your life to realize what truly is important to you. Your children and your family are extremely important as they should be. The drinking only brings about a false sense of security and happiness. Those things wear off, but building a healthy well-adjusted family will last a lifetime. I think you are definitely on the right track and you have sure footing because what you are standing on is the truth.

I know that your SO is facing problems, but don't let him try to turn this around and make you feel like you are being unreasonable. Keep standing your ground because you and your children deserve a better life.

September 29, 2003
11:57 am
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artist 2
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I can sense freedom in the air. You go Girl!

You have a heart full of giving, that's how you ended up like this. Now what are you going to do?

Do you want to stay with him? When you stood your ground, did he comply with your wishes?

I'm glad you're not drinking. It makes you, and your body feel so good.

September 29, 2003
12:11 pm
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gypsygirl
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See, I hardly drink to begin with. A few hear and there. He is willing to comply with my wishes, but he admitted he will be moody. I can't handle his moods. I already know this. There are other aspects I am not happy about that I have let myself get into. I am working on a plan in case things get worse, but I am afraid and I have no friends. I have no family to count on, so I am virtually alone. I have been trying to convince myself to call my case worker all day to discuss with her. I am just afraid. I let myself feel guilty when he tells me he can't live without us and that he had a daughter taken away from him before blah blah blah. I live in a town where there are limited resources. I am trying to find all the strength that I need.

September 29, 2003
1:01 pm
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artist 2
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Its scary to be alone. yes it is. I guess there are choices though. Stay where things are not of your lifestyle, or quit it because that's what is most true to you. It sounds like he's willing to try it. If you let him try, maybe a little encouragement might help him stay on track.

I'm trying to help here, but it feels like flailing... anyway maybe take him out for a night of fun that doesn't involve drinking at all. A movie, a walk, mini golf, etc... Maybe you explore options by yourself, and stumble across a new friend?

September 30, 2003
4:21 pm
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gypsygirl
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He called me from work yesterday and asked me for a date for the movies this weekend. He also said that our new friends like me and respect my decision to not drink. But they would still like to hang out while they drink.

October 1, 2003
6:15 am
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Ela
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Artist2 makes some really good points.

Sounds to me like you have made decisions that are important to you regarding what you want and don't want in your life and the live's of your children. The unknown is scary, I was with an alcoholic for 7 years partly because I was afraid of what was on the other side.

You compromise so much of yourself at times because you see the payoff as more important than what you are giving up and before you know it, you wonder where you went because the person you thought you were would not have a life like this.

I've had my ups and downs since I left and I am currently dealling with a down, but the other side is not nearly as scary as I thought. There's a million other life's you could be living, it just depends of the choices you make along the way. New choices, different results.

You have the right to ask for what you need and for those needs to be respected, I admire you for having done that. I think it's best to continue to stay in touch with your feelings. If it doesn't feel right then don't go along with it and what unfolds will take you each step closer to where you are meant to be.

Best wishes to you.

October 1, 2003
12:42 pm
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Worried_Dad
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gypsygirl,

You have the right to develop relationships with people you respect and enjoy. Convincing someone you are already involved with to make multiple lifestyle changes is more problematic.

Wanting a minimum level of hygiene from a sex partner is reasonable. But if there is no attraction, no spark there, you don't have much energy for the relationship, and the relationship will suffer.

October 1, 2003
6:14 pm
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unhappy camper
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My husband is addicted to self-pity, mooching, alcohol, tobacco, porn.

I was told addicts can transfer their addictions, so if one thing is cut off they latch onto something new to be addicted and go overboard with.

The trinity of booze, cigarettes and porn. Sucks huh?????

My husband also used to "negotiate" with me, but never stuck to the bargain. 3 beers on Saturday and 2 on friday night....none Mon-Thurs and none Sunday. What a crock!

Shudder. This brings back bad memories. The way he would try to justify his using.

Addicts are worthless in my opinion.
And they sure don't want to change.

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