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Am I totally Co-Dependent or just crazy?
June 6, 2000
6:07 am
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luvvgal
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I have been married 14 years together with this man for 15. Since day one he has cheated on me. I always took him back time after time. About 5 times so far as far as I am aware of. Anyway as if it makes a difference. Once should have been enough for me to elave, but I never did. After the first episode I found out in 1988 was married in 1985. I was working when I found out, full time job, loved my job! I suddenly had a nervous breakdown had no idea where I was,...was totally broken down! I left my job, life seemd over to me, from that point on, I became so depressed I could not fucntion, was afraid of everything, and everyone, became ahgoriphobic, depressed and had suicidal thoughts, was hopsitlized for 5 days not nearly enough but continued with counseling on the outside. Now each therpist I had over the years always pointed to my husband as my root cause from my suffering, I would never let that idea, enter my mind, to them, but on the inside i knew it. but could not deal with the fact that that was true. Leaving him then meant changes I was not prepared to make. I soon ended up on disabilty with personality disorder and recurrent chronic depression. I have not worked full time since that time of 1988. Now since then my husband has continued to cheat, but again i took him back thinmking maybe this time he would change, well it never did. Our last episode was in decemeber after i had to have emergency surgery for a tumor. I recovered fine, but 2 weeks after i was home he was seeing someone, while i had been hopsiplized for the surgery. All the while claiming to my friends and family how much he loved me. He did take care of me during my recovery process, then gave it to me really good, by asking me to move out of our new home. I was devasted!!!! I ranted raved cried my heart out. How could this man do this to me ...I finally left moved in with a friend! I missed him terribly, I ended up with shingles from stress and found out he did not care about me when i asked to be taken to the doctor and he said i was not his responcibity, mind u he had the car the house everything, i had nothing but a good friend and my disability check. maybe more than some people had but i felt like i was so abandoned by him. Finallya fter I begin feeling well enough I start going out...husband finds out...he wants me back now...Guess what I go back, after meeint this wonderful man, but guess my husband was what i was used too , so i went back...now 3 days after i am home he tells me he is leaving with his girlfriend now..I am again devasted...this time..I am mad too...mad as hell...well his girlfriend comes picks him up..and 5 hours later he wants back home with me...I said heck no...he ended up in the hospital...physciatric ward...I am like what is happening here. Needless to say I felt bad, took him back home...and since that time...i have not been right. I have been so angry with him, expressing my anger to him constantly, but now he is fianly ins therapy after all of these years and he has isssues from childhood that he says has made him do to me as far as cheating over the years...he says that his therpist says that is why he cheated, he was sexually assaulted and ever dealth with the ager pain etc, of it. So as to not have to feel his issues that he was supposedly not aware of he cheated like he did...??? Excused to me..I had issues too, dealt with them, and continue to try too...but i enver cheated..on him...until now....and guess what I am feeling so guilty abiout it...i can hardly stand this. i told my husabdn i want out of this amrraige he has begged me to stay , that now he is a changed man and in therpy...he is pouring on the guilt...guess, what i cannot leave...I am afraid...this is such a viscious cyle for me,.,, i am sure your rolling your eyes at this whole dysfunctional scenrio too..I woudl be, it is just pure crazyiness..and I cannot stop my feelings of anger, I want my husband yet, i don't...I just cannot understand why i am so mean, all of the time...angry at everything, yet afraid. to leave, with his guilt being poured on me...it is fear too...i think, rather i know it is...I jsut need some help...or i am not ever going to be healthy, i had been in therpay for a long time and have taken tme away to try to use my tools learned obvciously there not working for me too well...I need help...and I pray I get it...thanks for listeing and if u have any advice i sure would appreciate it...thank you and sorry for so much all at once...

June 6, 2000
7:08 am
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heartfelt
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luvval.....You are to be greatly commended for the efforts you're making for yourself......The first time a bond of loyalty is broken, there is always doubt left behind regarding a re=ocurrance of a sacred trust/belief. You have endured through many broken words, that have been said in a way so your husband could remain in both sick worlds. He may indeed have many issues to deal with now, sounds like it, and should be commended for beginning to seek out all that is within and grow. The issue for you may be to look at the whole picture, which I'm sure you have, and make healthy choices based on what you yourself know to be true in your heart for you, healthy living, or unhealthy love. Maybe take the blinders off in regards to those words you hear from hubby....for a long time sounds quite controlling and manipulative. Working through his own baggage will allow you to see him clearly, if he chooses to do so. It is not for his therapist to TELL him why he cheated. A good professional will guide one through so the client can make those types of determinations. That's how growth occurs, not by way of telling what they don't truly know. Your right about the cycle of things. Your angry for healthy reasons, broken loyalty, but what to do with the anger? Focus on your needs seems to be the way of your heart. Sounds as if it's about time you detatch to the degree that's good for you, be supportive of his efforts, even from a distance if need be, buy most of all , reclaim you, you, you, and the beginning of the end of the craziness of the cycle will become clearer so you'll spot it before it reaches you again. First things first.you......By the way.guilt, fear cannot interfere with your thirst for recovery....it will try but don't allow it . Say one simple word NO...or another word STOP....very powererful messages and definately cutting through the chase....may you not suffer , may you be at peace. may the sun shine on your face and the wind be at your back guiding your heart to see what is true....

June 6, 2000
9:20 pm
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voxsusana
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at one point you said that "how could he do this to me?" but from what I read he's been doing it to you from the beginning, so there shouldn't be any surprise. Being strong right now means letting go of him. Let him be in therapy and you continue yours. His being in therapy is great but it's not going to solve your problems. This is not about him being your problem for all these years. You have the responsibility to yourself to get away from this situation so you can see things clearly. You have to want more from yourself than a man who will do this to you or you will just replay this over and over with other men. Sometimes people are so afraid to try something new and different that their painful lives become comfortable. You seem to have been comfortable for years in theis painful situation. Get a little uncomfortable. Try not to be absorbed in the anger and guilt you feel. Those feelings are real but they are blinding you from the bigger picture, which is the rest of your life. So many possibilities are ahead of you. Leave the pain and comfortable, vicious cycle you are in , behind you.

June 7, 2000
12:41 pm
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Brenda
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You BOTH can not be truly intimate or comm9ited to loving one another because neither one of you care or love about yourselves.
YOU need to go back to therapy and really learn to take care of yourself, so that you dont let anyone treat you in such a terrible manner again.. Some people wouldnt even think of treating an animal the way you have let yourself be treated.
YOu are VERY codependent and very hurt, you need to do a lot of personal work and healing, and I believe you are strong enough and smart enough to do it.
I believe you need to stay with your husband, you are uncomfortable because he is finally beginning to be there for himself and in a way for you, unconciously you do not wan tthis. If you leave you will attract another mate just like he was before. YOur husband should be greatly commended and supported for the intense work he is doing. god bless

June 9, 2000
11:13 pm
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janes
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you would be crazier to NOT be mean and angry with him for the rest of his natural life. He is NOT being a good person to you.
Why are you accepting HIS guilt? He is just trying to make it YOUR fault and he will if IF you ACCEPT it. You don't have too.

YOU CAN STOP THE CYCLE. But only you can do it.

You have paid a prive YOU DID NOT OWE for this 14 year relationship.

You can go on without him. He can live without you. If he truly changes then after some time apart things might MIGHT work differently. But I wouldn't count on it. After this much time you should do couples therapy as well as individual to work out the issues which are deeply imbeded in both of you.

Sexually abused or not he does not have the right to do these things.

Psych ward or not you have a responsibility to yourself that you have shirked for years.

This is going to take oodles of time and you need to be strong and start learning all you can about yourself and start building a life that MAYBE you will let him into...and maybe not. That will be his choice.

Work on you and let him take care of himself.

June 10, 2000
2:31 pm
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janes
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In that last post by "his choice" I meant IF HE changes!!!!!!

Only if he changes!!!

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