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Am I too sensitive?
September 28, 2003
5:28 am
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Ela
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You know, I seem to be one of those people that thinks before they speak and I don't say things out loud that I think would be inappropriate.

On the other hand, I am also one of those people that others feel it is O.K. to say whatever without a thought to if it might be hurtful. The latest in a string this year was my brother telling me that from now on he is going to call me Robert. Why I enquired. Well because I remind him of the loser from the show Everyone Love Raymond - failed relationship, living at home now, very few friends, attempts at improvment don't work out ie. really bad haircut, the course I'm studying is taking forever etc.

Now Robert may be my favour character but how is that helpful or in anyway something you would say to someone? To top if off he got my 2 year old niece to hold her fingers up to her head in the 'L' shape and chant I was a loser. Nice huh. And if you say anything - well why are you so sensitive, it's only a joke. Hmmm. Well I might not be so sensitive if I wasn't thinking it myself but do people really need to tell you this?

I bought a lovely new coconut and vanilla body lotion which I wore to work the other day. I love things that smell nice. I never comment and never would comment on others choice of scents or how strong they were but that didn't stop anyone from telling me that all they could smell was coconut in a rather irritated tone. Hence to say I haven't worn it since.

Then I rang one of the few friends I do have or thought (one sided, I always make the effort)and I woke her up. You would think I slept with her boyfriend or killed her dog the way she treated me. I asked if I should call later and she said "Whatever". Well I guess I won't bother then and I have now erased her from my near empty address book.

It was my niece's 10th birthday yesterday but we didn't go to visit. We weren't invited on the actual day because his wife's family were and I assume my sister who myself and my parents are estranged from would have been there for the day. It was our turn today but we were rung at 7:30am this morning and told to come now because they had other plans to attend to. I was tempted to ask if we should just drive by and throw the presents out the window.

I was disgusted. I bet no one had a time limit yesterday. Their presence was valuable. Such sitations occur all the time and you are just suppose to cop it. If you speak out, well your being unreasonable and it's your own fault because you don't get along with everyone else. Well I thought there were two sides to every story and since he only ever wants to know one, how did we become the bad guys in all this?

I made a new friend earlier this year who knew my ex. I actually found her to be nice but talked about herself excessively and I gave up on trying to contribute to conversations in the end, I just listened. One day she decided to tell me how much my ex liked her while he was still with me but she would have him. I was with this guy for seven years and I loved him to death. The break up was hard and I don't see how things was an appropriate thing to say. I tried to change the subject and she interrupted me not once, not twice, but 7 times to tell me how much he liked her.

One night when I'd had too much to drink (bad timing) I bought up how much it had hurt me and she denied that there was any malice and now no longer talks to me for my inappropriate behaviour. My behaviour?????

I made another friend at the gym, she approached me. We got on well, spent time together, I helped her moved and then one day she just stopped returning my calls. O.K., not sure what to make of that one.

I use to hang out with one of the doctor's from work. One night he kissed me and I didn't respond. The next day he asked if he could take out a friend of mine. O.K. Months later I looked after his house on the beach and his convertable (so he must have trusted me)while he was overseas. When he came back, he stopped talking to me other than hello and goodbye and if I ask him a question he answers me. Occasionally he says something that could be taken as a put down to me. I don't know what happened, he was happy with the way I looked after the house, said it had never been so clean, but he's leaving soon and I can't wait. I will never mix business and social again.

I was pressured into dating a guy I wasn't attracted to because it would be good for me. Right. A nice steping stone to get back into the world. Hmmm. Well after two weeks he claimed to love me and he rang/messaged me from 10-15 times a day. He drove me nuts and when I finally broke up with him, he got nasty. Guess I made the right decision but now I'm total not interesting in dating if that's what it's like out there.

I feel very lonely at this point and since I've been so unsuccessful at developing new friendships, making positive changes and generally failing at everything, I'm finding it harder and harder to stay on top and feel positive. I wish I could just brush it all off and I do have lots to be appreciative for but everyday I wake up and I feel like I'm in prison and the sunny future is way out of reach. The only people who support and love me unconditionally are my parents and I am so grateful for that. I wish they still loved each other the same way.

Anyone got any advice and how to keep it together and believe in yourself when your surrounded by people who seem to enjoy keeping you down and all attempts to improve or interact with the world are failing? It can't be this hard to start again but I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

September 28, 2003
1:02 pm
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You're not doing anything wrong. But you're doing something that backfires: you are doubting yourself. You may have picked this style from one of your parents. People only respect those people who, even if they're the worst jerks, respect themselves.

You sound extremely like me.

But your problems are over, fortunately there is Ladeska around !!!

I advise you to follow her posts, and if we're lucky, she'll re-tell here our story of holding the balloons at the party.

Ladeskaaaaa, you're needed here !

In response to your initial question, I think you do sound more sensitive than the rest of the people you mentioned. I mean more sensitive in the sense of more caring, more aware, more considerate and more worthy. I would say yes, you are too sensitive...FOR THESE JERKS.

Love,
Mafi

September 28, 2003
2:35 pm
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Hey you two LOVELY people!!! OMG, now isn't this just wonderful?? Huh, Mafi? See yourself, don't cha? Yea Buddy.... Not a damned thing wrong with you Ela! You're just waking up and realizing some things. It hurts and you want to turn the gun back on you but if you do that - only do it to the extent of saying - Hey....I've gone on this long doing something wrong in that - I've always put up with this or thought that I deserved it for some reason, or was just blind to it. THAT is the EXTENT of your blame, okay?

So like shoot you already for having an "awakening", ya know??? You're looking at all these situation from a particular position and that has to change. You have to get into the standpoint of going.....I have the right to have boundaries, to see who people are and to demand respect or either they get kicked to the curb real quick and YOU don't feel guilty about all that either.

People, as a whole are rather self-centered and if you have a pre-disposition about you that shows the hurt when they do this - then they do it even more. I think we've believed alot of fairy tales about how people are basically nice and if you don't do anything to them, they will play fair most of the time. That's pretty b'ass-ackwards. (same that ten time real fast) LOL!

I had to clear out alot of people in my life, too years ago and still have to clean house periodically now and at first, it was like - DAMNED what the heck is going on here and if I keep doing this - NO ONE is going to be left!! Well..........sometimes you do end up with an empty room and that's okay... From the empty room many a beautiful, healthy and very right thing begins. Something you can't do within the framework of clutter and crazymaking...

It's all more about how to really love yourself and not do the self-doubt thing because when some people see that in you, sniff it in the wind, they are just like bullies on the playground, they go right for you...

Um, your brother - needs to go pound sand! What a real sweetheart of a chap he is!! See....I look at this and I see some dymanics...he's a bully and you grew up with him so there's a foundation here of something that goes way back. And where did he learn this, from whom? You didn't just pop up here with all this out of thin air. You learned it somewhere....how to be a victim.

All these other people, too, went wayyy too far with their stuff, when you should have trusted your own gut, realized they just sent you a real zinger and halted it in mid-air and said - OH NO, I don't THINK so!!! Right back at you and don't make one more move like that at me or - I'm done here - with you.

For whatever reason...there has been a path that you've walked down with these people that's been abusive and you've just swallowed things and kept walking with them and then what happens is, they do that one thing that just sets it all off and THEN you start examining things and going - what the hell???

But they were always "like this"....something inside you though....just kept trying to override that and not see it for what it was and just aim the guns at yourself and try to get along, give them excuses for behavior, do their part and your part and just stuff.... "where" did you learn this behavior, Ela? It came from somewhere.

I'm not beating you up one bit, and please don't think that. I know where you are and it's not fun. Hey, got a book for you. Called "People of the Lie" by Dr. Scott Peck. Good read. I highly recommend it. It's in the psychology section of any bookstore or they can order it, about $12 I think.

But NO, it's not about something being "wrong" with you. I can see who you are here and I very much relate to it. Let's just call this your "awakening" time. How's that? (smile) Time to get your groove on and to really realize what's up here in all of this. Will take some work on your part though. But if you do the work, it will turn the tables right around.

September 28, 2003
3:36 pm
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Awesome post, Ladeska !!!

"I think we've believed alot of fairy tales about how people are basically nice and if you don't do anything to them, they will play fair most of the time."

This was the worst lie I was ever told, and it was given to me from the first milk. People, like any other animal, respect those who are in touch with their own power and have it flowing unobstructed to serve themselves. Like in martial arts, it doesn't mean being mean. It means defending your territory with such self-assurance radiating out that you usually don't even need to be aggressive.

In the case of the woman who talked endlessly about your boyfriend (I so understand, I have been in situations like that sooo many times !) I know that today, if I choose to, a look is enough to get her to stop and understand I know what she's up to. And if my look doesn't stop her, I'd say:

"I think this is an inappropriate topic of conversation at this stage" and start to leave. Unless she manages to prove to me that it wasn't being done on purpose to one-down me (I doubt it), I would keep going.

I would do this at her first sentence on the subject.

September 28, 2003
4:33 pm
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silence
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I like coconut. My car-jar is coconut right now. Helps kill the stale sweat smell that my car has gotten recently.

September 29, 2003
7:58 am
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Ela
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Thanks everyone, you bought a smile to my face to read you posts and no I'm not offended by anything that has been said, I'm happy for the feedback and I feel safe on this site.

I know the way I respond to people goes way back. If you disappointed my mother not only did you get a severe serve of shouting, you were grounded for months, ignored for weeks and sent to your room. Your point of view was never heard. We have a good friendship now, but it was hard growing up since I always seemed to be doing something wrong. I spent lots of time in my room as a child and I still retreat there alot. Both my parents worked, so I came home to an empty house from a young age and looked after myself or was suppose to be cared for by one of my older siblings.

My sister always put me down or told me how I could be better. I was not living up to her expectations and she was always berating me for it. After a strained relationship on/off for years I finally told her I didn't appreciate her controlling me and telling me how to live my life. We no longer talk and she rubbishes me to anyone who will listen.

My brother interfered with me between the ages of 5 and 12 and I was the play thing for his friends as well. Hence my inability to understand I could say "no" instead of letting men just do what they wanted with me. I didn't really acknowledge this until I was 23 so I've been used and abused alot and always wondered what was wrong with me when it didn't go anywhere. I thought I was doing all the right things. My brother was only two years older than me, so I find it hard to blame him since he was a kid and all the other boys, well if a girl is willing then what do you expect them to do? It happened, I understand how it affected me and I'm moving on. No need to assign blame.

My last boyfriend was an alcohol. He wasn't interested in sex so that was tough to deal with since it was against the norm. He did however enjoy verbal abuse but he wasn't telling me anything I didn't already think so I was grateful (yeah you read right - grateful) he would have me. Mind you he did have some wonderful qualities but none that made up for the majority of the treatment I realise now. I still have nightmares about things that happened.

I've been working on myself with counselling, groups, self help books and studying psychology over the last 5 years and have grown so much. When he could no longer control me with words, he turned to violence and I've been free for 7 months now.

I have all these insights about myself and although I am still working things out, I felt things would be easier for me this time on my own. I'm not afraid of being alone, I don't need someone to make me whole, I'm enjoying getting to know me and I would like a good support system of friends to enjoy life with.

I do courses, I started ninjitsu, jazz and yoga classes for fun, fitness and maybe to meet new people but it's scary because I am hesitant to put myself out there anymore and be disappointed, but if I don't try then.....

I am a friendly person and I have lots of aquaintances who would be surprised if they knew I spent most weekends on my own and don't have anyone to call up and say let's go shopping and see a movie. I think they would die of shock if they knew what my life has been like. I learnt long ago that people don't want to know bad stuff and they will fade out of your life if you share it with them.

I try not to put other people's opinions over my own and I think what they say to me reflects more on them than me, but when I see the pattern I realise that I must take responsibility for my part in their willingness to dump on me. I do fear rejection since I've had so much of it in my lifetime so far but I continuously get involved in things to start over, keep trying. Since I keep ending up with the same result I struggle.

When I was going out at the begining of this year, before my new friends drifted off I was meeting lots of men but I'm happy to talk to them, then I go home without saying goodbye so I don't have to go through the ackward, can I have your number business. One I'm not ready yet and two I just don't trust them.

There's this fine line between brushing things off because they're not important and letting people know the appropriate way to treat you. The first reaction no matter how nicely you approach someone about being unhappy regarding something that happened is defence, blaming and denial. Following that normally comes rejection and I then get angry that it had to go so far. It's a high cost for asking for respect.

I do sound like a victim don't I? It's not a pretty picture of myself but it's from my heart at the moment. I booked myself back in for counselling today but I can't get in until 14th October. I so desparately want to be set free. Sometimes I wonder if I really am hung up on the past since I've put it in perspective so many times trying to find the answer to my unhappiness or if I'm just suffering from depression and it would all go away if my chemicals were in balance!

September 29, 2003
8:58 am
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My two faveorite smells are coconut and vanilla.

September 29, 2003
9:55 am
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silence
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Seems like we both enjoy the simple things in life gypsygirl

September 29, 2003
9:58 am
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there are so many simple things to enjoy. too many people are to preoccupied to notice.

September 29, 2003
11:14 am
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Hi Ela,
So glad to see you hear and posting 🙂

I think that you are on a good path.

September 29, 2003
11:42 am
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Ela,

I think I can say 'ditto' to almost every word in your post. You just described me, my mom, my sister, my ex, my social life, my thoughts, my feelings, everything.

"There's this fine line between brushing things off because they're not important and letting people know the appropriate way to treat you. The first reaction no matter how nicely you approach someone about being unhappy regarding something that happened is defence, blaming and denial. Following that normally comes rejection and I then get angry that it had to go so far. It's a high cost for asking for respect. "

SOOOO true !!!

September 29, 2003
11:42 am
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Well Ela.......your upbringing sure explains alot. You're basically fighting a myriad of patterns here but might I add - doing a damned good job at it, girlfriend!

I mean, you look back over your shoulder here and you got alot thrown at you. You do minimize just a wee tiny bit here. (smile) You do "know" about minimizing, right? Anyways, you do "do" it and you need to see that you do it. All that happened growing up - was not small thing and it had a large effect on you. Okay fine, it's not about blame at this point, but it needs to be about validating the damage and hurt that was done. And you know what? I'm sorry but I don't quite buy this thing of - kids are just kids when it comes to sexual abuse. I have known quite a few children in my lifetime and it doesn't take long for them to grow a conscience and if they know enough to do the drill of planning and getting you into that position of sexual abuse - then they know what they are doing and they know it's wrong. It's not just doctor and nurse kind of thing. I mean when you were 12 - he was 14.... I know you're finding it hard to assign blame here but blame needs to fall right where it belongs. And I wouldn't call a child being sexually molested - willing. I'd call that fear, trauma, intimidation and shock. You've got quite a few layers of denial going on here still, huh? (smile) That's okay, they fall off eventually if you keep your nose to the grindstone. Becoming free.......is about this kind of thing, btw. Really looking at things the way they are and not the way we'd like them to be.

I'm not so sure that you're just suffering from depression here. I see you really doing alot of work and throwing away the old and bringing in the new. But before you throw it away - you're inspecting it and finding out why you had this or that in your life in the first place and that's a very good thing to do, it's just a big process and in order to do that - you need to strike a balance in your life. And I hear that you in you. You're fine tuning things and basically lonely, needing friends that will actually have something in common with you, not play games or be insensitive to you, etc. That's a hard one.... Finding those kinds of people. Quality is never a commodity in anything. That goes for people as well.

But I do think that when you work on yourself, you tend to bring quality kind of people towards you more, you just attract that more and I think you develop boundaries that pluck off the ones that don't belong in your life - earlier.

Pretty much at this stage of the game though - you need to play it safe because you are so very vulnerable and still forming your protective layers. If I were you, I'd look for that "one" friend for now, a good girlfriend maybe, or two but just keep your inner circle close and tight and then hang with people to just - have fun with. Go join a drama troup, go hang out with teenagers that are doing something creative, drama or whatever. They are always fun and will keep you entertained and busy.

I think the big thing here is to not be thinking down the lines of "what is wrong with me".....or will I become all "fixed" if I go get on a drug. Drugs can help but you have to be very careful with "what" you take. Doctors these days are more of a salesman for the drug companies than they are anything else. Do your own research before you take anything...

But also know that our mind generates it's own "drugs and chemicals" and cognitive steps and behaviors on our part, starts alot of things rolling within us that has everything to do with rebuilding much on the inside and on the outside.

You're just in an interesting time in your life, you're in the process of really gutting the old system out of yourself, roots and all and replacing it with something new. Things are just going to be a little messy, not without reward but hey, go look in any artist's flat, or any craftsman's workshop....don't you see everything all over the place, in disarray, things out on the table, tools, paints, drawings, models, etc. The same with you in this stage of your life. Hey, just put your hair up in a ponytail, put on your little working smock, look at yourself in the mirror, wink and go - you know what - I'm still damned cute when I'm in the middle of my "work of art" here! I can enjoy the process and I can allow myself to be where I am and to have survived quite a bit and to learn from it. I can also hold my head up very high doing it. Not with arrogance.....but with "grace".

September 30, 2003
3:10 am
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Ela
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Thanks for your kind words MJ and to those who like vanilla and coconut, I got my body lotion back out today. Stuff 'em, they can leave the room.

Ladeska, your a gem and I love your analogy of the paint workshop, I'll keep that one in mind. I don't really understand the concept of minimising, can you explain that a little more please. Does it mean discounting something that is actually important as no big deal? What areas do you think I'm doing this in specifically? It would be good to go over and see if from another perspective.

And Mafi mentioned a balloon incident too, I'm interested to hear about that if you care to share. I feel much better having aired my feelings on here and I appreciate all the positive feedback. I love to read, so I'll be looking for the Scott Peck book this weekend.

I got into a confrontation today and I think I handled it well. In July I booked a weekend away and I was unable to go since I broke up with the needy boyfriend so I cancelled a week in advance. I was told I could have my deposit back which was $190 so I was happy. Two hours later I got a phone call from someone else to tell me I would not be getting a refund and how I had inconvenience them.

I wrote a very nicely worded letter explaining what happened, my disappointment and that under the circumstances I wanted my deposit back. No answer in two weeks, so I rang today. I politely asked if they had received my letter and if they had a response. She called me a lier, said she was a good christian and would never have treated me badly then hung up in my ear. Bit of an oxymoron I think.

I rang back and got the answering machine. I said I wanted to resolve this, I was not going away and maybe I should speak to someone less emotional. She cut me off on the machine and hung up again! I've now taken it to consumer affairs to handle. She won't refund me and obviously I won't be welcome to take a transfer for another weekend when I get another boyfriend. I didn't get upset because I'm not attached to the end result. I just wanted to stand up for myself and I've done that. If I get the money back great, if not, so be it.

I understand what you mean regarding me classing my brother as a kid, I've looked at it from alot of angles. I was even contemplating talking to him about it at one stage but with the way he is, I feel it would be a useless exercise. If he was an adult from the beginning it would have a whole other slant, but it's difficult to comphrehend it thinking of a 5 and 7 year old. Yes, he knew as he got older and it should have stopped, what drove that, I will never know, it's hard to reconcil, so I stopped trying to and concentrated on what it all meant to me, what thinking and behaviours I needed to change, etc.

Since I've only been single a little while I'm yet to really see how I go. Dating the needy one showed me I could take control about what I wanted, but I did find it hard to get him to back off when he was all over me and trying to push things further than I was ready for. Baby steps I guess.

September 30, 2003
12:39 pm
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No. 1 Ela - GOOD for you about not standing down on this little fiasco with this lady on the phone! Awesome! No, at this point, it's not about the money, it's the principle of the thing and it's about you going through an exercise that will help you alot. I'd wag that dog all the way to the wall and do it with little anger and just alot of firmness.

I just especially "love" the bit about her being a "christian" blah, blah, blah... Oh REALLY? People crack me up doing that. And at the very SAME time they are acting like a complete asshole, but if you dare to question me on it - I'm taking the moral high ground because I'm "holy" and you're not... Oh bite me, lady!
Maybe you need to go back and read from the bible you preach. It sort of like "condemns" you.

As far as you minimizing....I was talking more about what went on with your brother and all that. I understand where you are now and not wanting to go back and look at anything much. It's not so much about confronting him as it is - looking at how this affected "you".

There's quite a bit there I suspect that you have just written off as - oh well, we were just kids, etc., etc. And there was quite a bit of time from him being 7 and being 14 and it being an ongoing kind of thing were basically you very much were - a victim of sexual abuse.

When this happens with siblings, things get all so murky....people tend to just lump it all into that all-consuming pot of - we were just kids, I guess I'm to blame as much as anyone else, he's my brother, or she's my sister and what's done is done, let bygones be bygones, it's all in the past, I don't want to go there, it will rock the boat, I can't do that so let's just - not talk about it, it's on big deal....

Ah......but it IS a huge deal.... Pandora's box has a really great door on it with a big ole scary lock but there's quite a bit in there that needs to be looked at and not packed off so neatly and put away as if it doesn't matter.

I'd just encourage to rummage around in this area a bit more....that's all.

But overall here, you seem to have a really good head on your shoulders and I think you are sort of rebuilding your structure here for life patterns. Setting some new ones, analyzing what's gone on in the past and what that's all made up of. Are you just a whack job and is that the reason why people do this to you (smile) OR is it a combination of things which translate more along the lines of.......I've been used to not having a voice, to just doing whatever to please people, to trying to earn people's love by doing and taking whatever off of them and because of this......I attract certain personalities that like to feed on people like me. And they then see how I react when they reject me or abandon me and that suits them just fine because - I'm over here examining my navel and they are getting away scott-free with whatever because I think - it's all my fault.

There's a pattern here that you now want to break free of and that's really good. If you look back at the "why" regarding some of these people in your life......it may come back to the dynamics of what was going on with your brother more than you think it does... Just something to think about. Things that get set in stone early on....become patterns you live by later and don't even realize the why or what of it all.

But you GO girl!!! I think you're doing really well here. Do get that book, it's got alot of things woven into it. A book to read a few times over again.

October 1, 2003
5:41 am
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Ela
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I had a really good day today and I'm feeling good about myself and that I am making progress. Thanks heaps, you've helped me look at my situation differently and I'm kinda enjoying the transition (now that I view it that way) rather than dwelling on when is it going to get better.

Big hug of gratitude.

October 3, 2003
12:26 pm
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Ladeska
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Big ole KISS right on your forehead, Ela! You GO girl!!!

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