Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
am i too needy
November 14, 2001
9:32 am
Avatar
jess2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i'm feeling really lonely and like no one really cares right now. we all want to feel as tho we matter to someone, right? I feel like i dont.
i belong to an online group (for about 4 yrs now) and we have all gotten pretty close. sometimes when i'm away for awhile when i return they say they were worried or missed me. Then why dont they drop me a line and ask, or tell me i am missed? i seem to do these little test things (stay away) to see if anyone really cares as they say they do. like staying off line to see if anyone will contact me. ive been away from my group for weeks now, and noone has wondered where i am. i feel like....i dunno.
i also get very upset when i am the one doing all the initiating. if i want someone from the group to write to me, i have to write to them. and then they reply. why doesnt anyone write to me just cuz they are thinking of me.
and with my offline friend. why am i the one to always make the plans? if i dont call her she doesnt call me. if i dont make plans to go out, we wouldnt go. I have tried not calling and wait for her to call me, but it doesnt happen.
i think i'm a likeable girl so i dont understand. i guess i'm just too needy huh? being a big baby! but i dont want to just know in my head that i am cared about, i want to feel it. i think i need to feel it. i feel like no one cares right now.
i know its me. its a problem inside myself to feel worthy maybe? how do i feel ok when im being so completely ignored. ??
now that i feel like a complete idiot for writing this.
i know that it sounds like i'm just whining. but its making me feel so bad inside. i dont know how to handle it.
what should i do?
jess2

November 14, 2001
4:38 pm
Avatar
silence
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yeah. I'm always in the same position. Not leaving the group and expecting calls, but with having to initiate everything. My friends NEVER call me. I always have to call up my 2 friends if I want to do something. Which is about once every other month these days. I do feel like a fifth wheel most of the time. Like my friends could care less whether I'm along or not. I hate to say that I'm used to it... but I guess I am now.

As for your online group, they may be tired of you constantly popping off. They might be getting the impression that you're a bit flakey if you keep falling off the edge of the earth every few weeks. There's only so many times that the little boy can cry wolf before the villagers stop running to him.

Above all though, you shouldn't feel like an idiot. It does suck to be almost an outcast amongst your friends. I wish I could tell you how to make it all better, but if I knew that then I wouldn't be here.

November 15, 2001
2:29 pm
Avatar
jess2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ok, youre right about when you say if i continue to make life just about me, it will be just me. cuz that IS how it is right now. and that im on the pity pot. yes, "ive fallen and i cant get out" see i do have a sense of humor šŸ˜‰
what i'm trying to say is that i recognize that i have a problem. (i guess i didnt make my post very clear)...and that i want to understand why i do (have this problem), and finally do something about it. ive been like this all my life (emotionally needy) what can i do so that i can control the am i important issues??
jess2

November 15, 2001
4:21 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

One school of thought teaches that emotionally needy people remain needy throughout adulthood because they didn't get what they needed in childhood. I think that all people have the same need for emotional fulfilment, or the same level of emotional neediness... what differs is where people get those needs filled. People we term as "not emtionally needy" seem to fill their own needs, whereas the "needy" look for this fulfilment from outside themselves.

So you are looking outward for fulfilment... why is that? Do you hear an internal loving parent inside you holding you and whispering "I love you and accept you for all of the wonderful things that you are..."? It doesn't sound like it. Here's my reasoning...

We all carry parents around inside of us in our minds to structure us and nurture us. Some of us have little "dictactor" parents, very critical, always telling us that we aren't good enough, so we look outside of ourselves (and our internal parents to someone who will tell us that we are OK, something to silence those internal messages.

Unfortunately, no one but YOU can silence your internal voices. Other people can drown them out for a while, but they are always there. (It's like turning on the TV to drown out the sound of the dishwasher. Once that TV show is off and you turn the TV off, the dishwasher is still going.)

I have met a lot of people (and myself have experienced this) who have "friends" who don't ever make the first effort, and it drives them nuts. You'll need to draw some clear boundaries as far as what you will accept in a friend and what you won't. What is important to you in a friend? You can't change other people, so if these people don't hold the same things as important as you do, you are probably best off letting go of them as friends and seeking out other people who do share your values.

I know that I personally would have just about 0 friends if all of my friends expected me to call or check up on them every day. They understand that I have my own life and my own pursuits and that sometimes I just want to be alone. They know that I'm always here for them if they need me, just like I know that they are always there for me if I need them. And, true to that, I've cast aside former friends who didn't hold that tenet in our friendship, and I too have made my mistakes and have been cast aside when I didn't hold up that end of the bargain.

So, that's my boundary, my definition of friendship. What's yours?

November 16, 2001
8:09 am
Avatar
jess2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i read intently what gingerleigh wrote and halfway thru i just started crying. i guess in my heart i know its true, but ive been so confused about my childhood.
all of a sudden all these feelings came flooding forth and i tried to think back to when i first started feeling needy and i ..... theres more issues then just wanting to know if im important, needed and wanted by my friends. i want very badly to work thru this.
i dont understand HOW to look for fulfilment inwards. actually, i dont even know what you mean. what IS inward fulfilment?
and HOW do i silence the internal voices. ya know, the ones that say im stupid.
i feel like im 2 people sometimes. 1 who has a life and appears to function and cope with daily living (for the most part) and 1 who has the constant inner battle with herself. knowing somewhere im screwed up but i dont know where and i dont have the tools to fix it.
here are some other issues...everything seemed to "fix" when i got my first boyfriend (mind you, i am an adult, but never had a boyfriend). 2 things about this relationship, he was MUCH older than me. but that didnt get in the way of anything. we were perfect for each other. but he died (not too long ago, but long enough that i should be...well, im not crying every day anymore.
i going back to thinking when this neediness started. I recall a normal childhood, tho my father was not affectionate. i have a good idea that this all started when i was 9 (thats when my handicapped sister was born)
i wanted to be special too and began doing things to get attention. i was told that i given enough attention and i always got the feeling that i was asking for more than i deserved.
i didnt fit in with my peers. i was SO average and I wanted to stand out and i became a loner and very strange. even loners stand out. i began counseling my senior year and for the first time in a long time, i felt cared about. i guess the counselor did too, becuase she fell in love with me. she would get me out of school, bring back to her house (where she already had a live in lover) give amaretto and......
and theres so much more and how do you put all the screw ups in a neat little pile and move on with things and normalize your life!?
letely ive let anger and depression get the better of me. i lash out at the slightest things. im mean to customers in my job and i dont want to be but and i cant control my anger sometimes.
ive written so much , yet so little.
think i'll end here. i dont know what to say right now.
am i beyond help? will i always have these issues hanging over me. ready to grab me at the slightest vulnerable situation i feel i am in?
jess2

November 16, 2001
8:09 am
Avatar
jess2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i read intently what gingerleigh wrote and halfway thru i just started crying. i guess in my heart i know its true, but ive been so confused about my childhood.
all of a sudden all these feelings came flooding forth and i tried to think back to when i first started feeling needy and i ..... theres more issues then just wanting to know if im important, needed and wanted by my friends. i want very badly to work thru this.
i dont understand HOW to look for fulfilment inwards. actually, i dont even know what you mean. what IS inward fulfilment?
and HOW do i silence the internal voices. ya know, the ones that say im stupid.
i feel like im 2 people sometimes. 1 who has a life and appears to function and cope with daily living (for the most part) and 1 who has the constant inner battle with herself. knowing somewhere im screwed up but i dont know where and i dont have the tools to fix it.
here are some other issues...everything seemed to "fix" when i got my first boyfriend (mind you, i am an adult, but never had a boyfriend). 2 things about this relationship, he was MUCH older than me. but that didnt get in the way of anything. we were perfect for each other. but he died (not too long ago, but long enough that i should be...well, im not crying every day anymore.
i going back to thinking when this neediness started. I recall a normal childhood, tho my father was not affectionate. i have a good idea that this all started when i was 9 (thats when my handicapped sister was born)
i wanted to be special too and began doing things to get attention. i was told that i given enough attention and i always got the feeling that i was asking for more than i deserved.
i didnt fit in with my peers. i was SO average and I wanted to stand out and i became a loner and very strange. even loners stand out. i began counseling my senior year and for the first time in a long time, i felt cared about. i guess the counselor did too, becuase she fell in love with me. she would get me out of school, bring back to her house (where she already had a live in lover) give amaretto and......
and theres so much more and how do you put all the screw ups in a neat little pile and move on with things and normalize your life!?
letely ive let anger and depression get the better of me. i lash out at the slightest things. im mean to customers in my job and i dont want to be but and i cant control my anger sometimes.
ive written so much , yet so little.
think i'll end here. i dont know what to say right now.
am i beyond help? will i always have these issues hanging over me. ready to grab me at the slightest vulnerable situation i feel i am in?
jess2

November 16, 2001
8:10 am
Avatar
jess2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sorry posted twice šŸ™ grrrrrrr

November 16, 2001
9:03 am
Avatar
jess2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i just had a thot.......
the title of my thread...am i too needy. after my sister was born, and i tried to get the attention that she was getting, i kept getting the msg (mostly from my mom cuz i didnt talk to my dad) that i was asking for more attention than i deserved. or rather, that i wanted more attention than i needed. in other words, i was too needy. and here i am , all this time later, still trying to get what i didnt get then and being too needy.
when will it stop!
jess2

November 17, 2001
12:18 pm
Avatar
wallace
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Jes2,

I know what you mean about being too needy. My father was very cold towards me when I was a child, and my mother made it plain that she preferred my younger sister. I began to believe that my parents just tolerated me cos they had to. I had a big bust up with them when I was 23 and they tried to show me more affection, but the damage had been done. I went through my childhood being bullied, when I did make a friend, I smothered them with my neediness. I have learnt to do what Blondie and Gingerleigh have been talking about. I now have many friends but have to make a conscious effort not to smother them with my need for confirmation that they value me. I tell myself always that I know I'm a valuable person and my friendship is as much a gift to them as theirs is to me. I still find it very difficult to let someone very close, as I fear that I may lose control of my neediness. I am involved with a guy who is not needy at all and is distant at times. My need for him to confirm my worth to him (which he never does-I've posted many times here about him) made me his prisoner emotionally and my life miserable. This site and folks like Blondie, Gingerleigh, Molly, Ladeska etc have helped me to face things and I now realise that he is like my father. Although, I'm still not strong enough to kick him to the kerb (my last post No Control). Keep posting here, think about what they say. It takes time for the cause of your feelings and neediness to surface, but from personal experience, it will and you will start to heal yourself.

November 17, 2001
12:36 pm
Avatar
wallace
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Forgot to say, when I get needy attacks, I do things like have crises or moan about how bad life is just to get a response. After all, if my friends or he responds, it must mean they care. But just think what it must be like for them, who wants to be around a whinging, negative person?

November 19, 2001
10:39 am
Avatar
jess2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

needy attacks...ahhhh yes, i get those often. ok, well, not as often as i used to cuz i wanna make em stop. but still, i get them.

ok, i did have a good weekend. didnt think too much about this "stuff". tho its on my mind i didnt dwell on it.

but, whats the next step? ive gotten started by posting some stuff here..venting, sorting, but....OK BLONDIE, i got on my mountain boots, im ready to go....but where? what do i do next? im trying to be funny but im serious too. i dont want this to end here. i want to keep going....what do i do?
jess2

November 19, 2001
6:35 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Learn to love your own company, enjoy the solitude. Entertain your self. Go to the movies, read those books, go to the gym, take a class, go to a coda meeting, paint, draw, color, garden, cook, wander through the park, listen to the birds sing, watch the sunset. Keep busy and you won't have time to miss any one. The other thing is, maybe you could discover a vocation where you get alot of attention, seminars, teaching, acting. It may not be the closeness that most of us want, but its something to think about.

November 19, 2001
7:38 pm
Avatar
ms. T
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

jess2, you and I are in the same boat, my friend. I am currently suffering from severe depression because my codependent behaviors have damaged an important friendship. I have also learned that being cod. pretty much means that you expect the impossible from others -- you expect them to be like you. It's the old "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" gone mad. I spend a lot of my day repressing compulsive thoughtful acts now, because I realize that I'm going to get tired of giving and never getting on that same level. I am having to learn that people around me are probably doing all that they can. And truly, maybe some of them don't want to spend as much time with me as I do with them, but that's a fact I need to learn to accept, also. There's not much advice I can give that hasn't already been given. I'm seeing a therapist weekly, and I'm getting ready to start some meds for my depression (as it has caused me to have to leave work some days, and I can't even watch my favorite TV shows -- I don't have the energy). Good luck to you in reaching some point of clarity.

November 20, 2001
8:08 am
Avatar
jess2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Molly,
this may surprise you, but your post made me really angry! geez, here you are just try to be helpful and make some suggestions and i say you made me angry? well, i waited until today so that i didnt say anything in haste. so that i could adequately explain my feelings. im just trying to be honest here, its nothin personal.
up until your post, i felt the doors opening. one which understood and encouraged me to work thru the stuff in my head. what you said closed that door. how? because you said that all i had to do is learn to love my own company. keep myself busy and entertained -END OF DISCUSSION, shut the door behind you.
second, i felt that you trivialized my situation. by making my issue seem unimportant (by making it sound like i just need to learn how to spend time alone), you hit upon the very issue at hand. i even wondered if you did it on purpose to see how i would handle it. When Blondie said I have a lot of hard work ahead of me I dont think she was trying to prepare me for a walk in the park and taking time listen to the birds sing. she meant WORK and im only all too willing to do the work but I dont know what that is yet.
third, you misunderstood my post. it wasnt a matter of missing my friends. whereby keeping myself busy and entertained will keep the lonliness at bay. the issue was that i am well liked i felt unimportant....maybe wrongfully so, thereby creating stupid tests (staying away from my online group) to see how important i am. etc......
and last, i know all to well how to be by occupy and entertain myself. I live alone. when i wake up there is no one there. when i go to work, im in an office by myself. when i get home, the house is empty. so yes, i have gone for that walk in the park, have painted, drawn, taken classes and even have a vocation as an amateur musician in a symphony. i dont think ignoring the "stuff" (as ive been doing for too long now) by keeping myself busy is going to make it go away. and thats what i want. but i dont know how. thats what i want to know. what kind of work is blondie talking about!?
well, i bet you didnt expect all this. im sorry. im not really a big meanie. i cant control my anger sometimes. the same thing happens at work. a customer will say one wrong thing or look at me the "wrong" way and i lash out. its because of this stuff.
MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!!!

jess2

November 20, 2001
11:37 am
Avatar
eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

jess,

*working* just means looking for answers, trying them out until they fit your situation and help you find some solutions.
For example you could work whith the situations when you get angry.
When does this happen?
How does it happen? Whith whom does it happen (old/young/male/female/smartass/shy...)? How do you feel when it happens (first... then... after...)? *Why* do you think it happens? *Why* do other people think that it happens - do they realize, that it happens? *how* do you react? Do you just take a deep breath and count to ten - or do you act - how?

Whith all these questions it is important to keep facts from feelings and to avoid self-destructive answers.

Like "I do this, because I'm too needy" is not a good answer at all. Because it doesn't tell what your need is, whether you can expect to get this need met in this situation, why you feel that you need it, how you could get it elswhere (easyier?)... and so on. And saying "I'm too needy" seems to make you feel bad. So it's not a good answer. How about "I'm needy"? That's maybe not very good yet, because its not easy to find a solution - but the "too" is gone. And while "I'm too needy" passes judgement on yourself, "I'm needy" just states a fact. Maybe then you can go on and say "I don't like to be needy, because..." and find some examples "sometimes it makes perfect sens to be needy, because...."

And so on. You see, loads and loads of *work*. Still keen on trying? Good luck - and be gentle whith yourself!

November 20, 2001
12:50 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Jess, one thing is for sure, and that is no way was it intentional to set you off. Sometimes here on these threads, you get what you want, and you get what you don't want. Its sorta like a dart board, some times you hit the bulls eye, and some times you hit the wall. Although I have been a student, and professional in the counseling arena, most of my suggestions come from personal growth. We all get to that place sometimes, where we want to be like a three year old in the middle of the grocery store, going give me, do me, and screaming until we have dominated the entire place. But then that doesn't work real well for us grown ups. Its just like any other dependent, or co-dependent situation, we want respect, we want close relationships, we want to feel important, we want our social life full, we want recognition for our efforts, we want we want we want, but its all right there, when we are able to see it, feel it, and own it, with out getting it from others. When we acceptand love our selves most often others don't feel like we suck the life out of them when we meet for coffee. I am sure you don't want to hear what I am stating, and some times we don't like the suggested solution to the delimma of the day, that doesn't make it wrong, it just dosn't fit you , so don't wear it. If you want to WORK and WORK and WORK, on the solution,the problem, spend thousands of dollars on therapy, spend all your time in group, go to the mountain tops and sit with gurus, no one will stop you, and I hope that you eventually find the solution to your neediness. Many times though it is simply a change of attitude. Ever heard that old saying its all in your head? Well, the brain is a very powerful tool, like the glass half empty or half full. There is a book called the Four Agreements that is pretty good about teaching us to not take things personal, perhaps this may bring you some insight. Anger management work, might bring some insight as well, just what is the underlying anger? Ya know you get more bee's with honey than vinegar. I am sure with my response based on yours, your seeing red, and that isn't what this is about. Sometimes the suggestions and answers here do trigger responses in us, and then we think about it and say, damn, didn't want to hear that, didn't want to take responsibility for my choices, thought word and deed, can't I just get a pill or something? There are many who post, take what fits, and toss the rest. I mean no harm, and have been called confrontational before.

November 20, 2001
1:11 pm
Avatar
jess2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

no molly, im not seeing red. and im sorry i lashed out at you. i was angry because your solution seemed so simple. unvalidating something that does not feel simple to me. making it seem like, simple answer / simple problem. with your quick and easy fix i didnt think that left any room for anyone else to contribute their ideas, therefore closing ther door on the situation and leaving me on my own. am i making sense?
im sorry.

i do want to thank you for trying and everyone else who replied. it did help some.

November 20, 2001
4:10 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Jess, I really had to laugh at your posting, and that is laughing with you and not at you. I did understand your anger. You articulated so well in this last posting to me, just how needy you really are and I am so sorry. Gosh, don't solve the problem I won't get any more attention, and I don't get enough as it is!!!!! There is no need for you to be sorry either. We all move to the beat of our own drum, and just because some one shows you how to beat the thing faster, its still going to take time to incorporate the changes. That is where Blondie is suggesting that you have alot of work ahead of you. I was forced into entertaining my self, grew up at a morturary, hard to get the kids to come over after school if ya know what I mean. I now have a mate that is driving me insane due to the fact that he is a recluse,(sp?)I am a very social person, love to be around people, and do enjoy when I am the center of attention. Get my feelings hurt easy, when I don't get what I want, and then realize damn it, that the world doesn't revolve around me. I have observed with the I guess Gen X'ers that they really have no tolorance for neediness, considered high maintaince. My personal theory is that most of them were tossed into day care, and then latch key kids, who were told to deal with it. Every one is so busy to day, work, continued school, what ever, there isn't much time for connections, and I miss my old social circles. The last neighborhood I lived in for 11 years, I couldn't have told you the name of my neighbors, sad isn't it? They left at the crack of dawn, and sometime I guess after sunset, returned, and hit the button on the garage doors. Then I moved up north for a while, it really was some what of an older community, and boy talk about culture shock, at first I thought how intrusive, but what it was, just good ole neighborly friendlyness. Cookies left on my door, always checking up on me, invites to church etc. So there are places where people do like and can connect. Beach and dog people are much more friendly and out going. Me, I have my dog, with out him,I would most likely be singing your song, he makes me laugh, knows when I am sad, makes me walk, great tool for meeting folk in the park, and with him, I am quite a bit less needy, however............ It will get better, until then post, and post and post, the door never closes here, open 24/7.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
30
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110929
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714213
Newest Members:
stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin, overmyhead201, delight1080
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer