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Am I the only one that feels like this
October 25, 1999
4:19 pm
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bc007
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I have never been here before, I assume that I write about my feelings. At this point intime I am unsure that I am writing in the right place, however here I go.
Do you wish there was someone out there that knows the correct answer to all your questions and problems. I have a great need to talk to someone but I dont know were to begin. Before I do is there someone out there to tell me whether I am doing this in the right place

October 25, 1999
4:50 pm
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bc007
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I think this must be right,I wish there was a spell checker on this site. Anyone that does bother to look at this will know that spelling is not my best subject.
I must stop waffling and make a start.
Because I am so mixed up about my feelings I think I should start when I was born.
1953 I do not remember much about the very early years, however I soon became aware that my life did not resemble most of the people I knew. Every six weeks I was taken on a bus journey to see another family, that I later discovered to be my own. My mother had died when I was only a few months old, I was the youngest of a family of five. I had two brothers and two sisters, my Father was disabled. I was taken into care as he was unable to care for me, however he would not give permission for me to be adopted. The next Sister to me in age was Jane, she was three years older. She was taken into my Aunt's family to live. The oldest Sister was able to remain at home with the two older Brothers. However my Father did not cope well with the loss of my Mother and had a breakdown from which he never fully recovered, he died when I was five. Before he died I had been placed with a very nice family who wanted to adopt me, but because my father had not granted his permission and because the law says when you foster children they can be taken from you the family put me back into care. I do not wish to make them sound uncareing I found out later they tried very hard to make my Father change his mind so they could adopt me.
I was placed into a short term foster home when I was five, this was ment to be only for a period of three weeks. ( I am very tired now so I will stop writing now, and I will continue tomorrow.)

October 25, 1999
10:08 pm
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KTHOMAS
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BC007...You have come to the right place. Take your time and express yourself freely here. There are people at this site with much wisdom and compassion though none of us claim to have all the answers. Sometimes just letting our feelings out is an answer in it's self. I will keep checking on you. You are among friends. 🙂

October 26, 1999
9:49 am
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lost soul
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bc007,
You are most welcome to join us.express youself "freely" don't bother about spelling,who cares! so long as we understand.
so sad! just like mine:(
Nevermind, you will feel better after "throwing it out".(In words I mean)

October 26, 1999
2:33 pm
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bc007
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Well what a suprise someone out there reading this. I must say it is great to unload this into the great unknown. I wanted advice but I realise that no one can give me this until they know my history maybe not even then.
The foster family I was placed with had a Daughter of their own and was about this time due to get married.
She thought it would be a good idea if they kept me, however to this day I am unsure whether this was because they wanted to or because my Foster mum got paid for it. This might sound ungrateful but it is not meant to be. My Foster parents were the age then that Grandparents would be. My Foster Mother was very strange because she used to tell people things I had said that were not true. I found this as a child very difficult to understand, and was unable to defend myself against this as adults would beleive her because after all I was only a child. Her husband was a quite man and very kind,however his kindness to me was usually when she was not around. I think he must of been frightened of her. Because I was under the care of the authorities they would check on me every few months but would inform her when the visit was due. This gave her an opportunity to tell me not to say anything. If I did she said I would be taken back into care and no one else would want me. I have to say she was not violent to me in any way she was just cruel to me with words.
One of the things that caused me a lot of pain was that if we were out and she introducted me to anyone I was allways her foster child, I felt this was to make it clear to them that I did not belong to her. Also when her Daughter visited she would tell people that I was her mothers foster child. I know this sounds silly but I did not feel that I belonged. In addition to this she would always say how useless I was at School and how good her daughter had been. Later on when my visits to my real family started she would continue by saying how clever my sister was and how she wished she had fostered her.
To add to my confusion roughly every six weeks I was taken on the bus to visit my sister who lived with my Aunt. On these visits my oldest Sister would come as well, the problem was they both lived in the same town and went to the same School and shared their history of life at home that I had never had the privalage to know.
On these occations the three of us would go out but they would walk together and I followed up the rear.
They did not want me around one reason was I was younger another because they thought I belonged to another family. ( I must stop a while and go and collect my Daughter from the party she is at.)

October 26, 1999
2:39 pm
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Cici
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Emotional abuse is just as crippling as physical abuse, and sometimes more insidious because it's still not a socially acceptible thing to be suffering from...

Please continue! 🙂

October 27, 1999
8:00 am
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hazza
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Hi bc,
I had a similar thing with my real mother, i was never good enough for her, my brother was always better etc
she to would tell stories of things i had "said" that made me cringe inside.
I don't have all the answers for you but i know that your past never has to be a death sentence on your future.
Please keep talking to us, tell us about your life now as well wont you?
Take care
Hazza

October 27, 1999
8:59 am
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Jaskid
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bc007,

We will listen to you, let it go, tell us about the turmoil you are feeling inside. Hang in there, you will grow every time you come on this site.

🙂 Jaskid

October 27, 1999
2:30 pm
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bc007
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WhenI was thirteen my Foster father died, this had a profound effect on me at the time because it was very unexpected. I was woken in the middle of the night by my f/Mother telling me to go to the telephone box and call for a Doctor. The phone was a bit of a walk from where we lived and I was frightened walking alone. When the Doctor arrived he went up to their bedroom and I stayed downstairs. He left sometime later and my Mother told me to come up and say goodbye to my Father(I say Mother & Father because it is easier.)When I entered the bedroom I discovered that he was dead. I was not prepared for this, it effected me for several years after. He was the buffer between her and I with him gone it was very difficult.
I dont wish this to sound so depressing because I concider myself very lucky to have grown up as well ajusted as I am. The reason I managed so well was as a child I conforted myself in the knowledge that she was not my real Mother. I always told myself if my real Mother was alive she would love me, my situation was not as bad as others that parents had abandoned.
The trouble is I know most of my hangups today are probably due to the past but knowing that and changing is very different. I have spent most of my live in fear of something or another. When I was young it was a fear of been taking into care, and feeling that I did not belong. I also believed that I was usless at everything. Maybe because I was told that I was, but I lived up to that leaving School with very few Qualifications. I went onto a local College and studied Hairdressing and qualified. But I did not value that because I was told you became a hairdresser because you were not capable of anything else. Any achievements I have made in my life I do not concider worth anything because I was brought up to believe that unless you had a degree you were not very clever.
You would think that I would have tried to get a degee later in life to prove I could do it, but I have never tried because I believe I would fail and that would prove to her that she was right.
Every job I have had I always fear being sacked, although I never have been, I have always had excellent appraisals. My belief is that they will find out I am really not very good and fire me. As I write this I knowis sounds completly mad.
My imagination runs riot I think if I lose my job I will not get another then I will lose my house. Within moments I am destitute and on the street with my children in care.
Security is everything to me because I felt I had no real home of my own when I was a child.
When I married I did so for the wrong reasons, although I did not realise at the time. I just wanted someone to need me. I married a man with his own problems from the past. He had been taken into care as a young child because his mother was incapable of taking care of him.

October 28, 1999
10:07 am
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lost soul
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Hi bc007
I like to tell you that you are not alone in this.Our story is about the same.somehow or rather, after releasing it out makes you put "the past a bit further away" if you care knowing my story please read the thread " change to hope" you will find some similarity in us.
I have heard people saying that " reliving in the past slow down the process of healing" but how not to think about the past if it happened.
But it will be healthier to compare the past and present if you have a very possitive mindset.If not, please put it away during the moment when you are weak.
I never feel close with my own brothers and sisters nor my own parents.There are always a distance.Not that I want to but is just "no chemistry" between us, Anyway I have not seen them for years( at least 12 to 14 years )I lead my life without them since I was 12 days old.I don't think with them around makes any different.
When there are difficult times in my life. It was always myself, alone.
Honestly, I don't feel loved at all.Except my daughter. I can feel that she loves me. When I was sick, she feels sad.I can feel it, although she is still not capable of expressing her feelings to me.( she is 7 years old)In fact, during my worst and weakest moment she is the only person that makes me have a second thought of dying.without her I would have left this world.
Well it seems that i have write alot. will continue again when times are right.
TAKE CARE!!!
Pour it out if it will make you feel better.:)

October 29, 1999
4:03 pm
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Anonymous
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god, how sad, i am crying as i read your writings bc and lost soul. I LOVE children so much, with all my heart. To hear of the pain and loneliness that you suffered really breaks my heart. I think that there are other children out there who feel the same way, i cant comprehend how anyone could treat a beautiful innocent light of god in such a horrible, cruel way.

I myself suffered a great deal of emotional abuse as a child. I watched my father beat my mother almost every week untill she was screaming for me to go to our neighbors to call the police. I would stand on their door step out of fear and shame untill i could bring myself to knock on their door and ask them to call the police. For some reason, my father stayed ino ur home for years abusing my mother and bringing home women who would say they were going to take me and my brother away to come live with them as my new mother.
I was always in a state of anxiousness and suffered a great deal of stress from an early age.
My father slit his wrists in front of me and sobbed like a baby once, then i had to visit him in a mental hospitol where he was not happy to see us. It was a fuc****g nightmare.
I have done everything within my power to create a life totally different from what i had as a child and it took some time but I did it. I still am having problems with depression and my current husband who isnt exactly the most loving person (cant express affection very well) but he is fairly supportive and healing as we both have received counselling and found the power to change our lives around from our belief in the creator and our Higher selves.
You can also cleanse yourself of your past b.c/hope, and not let it continue to run your life.
YOu have suffered emotionally b.c. believing that you are innately flawed when you arent. This has come from the verbal and emotional abuse of your f mother and the trauma and loss you have suffered.
It is our parents responsiblity to help us feel safe and loved in this world, you, like I and Lost soul were pretty much all alone in this world from the very beginning....
It sounds like you are british by some of the slang words you use. I was also born in Britain and emigrated 20 yrs ago. I know how emotionally cold some of the british parents can be and perhaps i can relate to you in some other ways if you wish to continue to share.
I feel like we all need a good cry, to cry for the childhood we lost and the childhood that continues to rob us of our current happiness and joy....if we LET it.
When i talked about my childhood, it brought up some feelings, but not strong like they used to be, but it makes me want to cry for you, for me and for Lost soul.
Even though my father was the violent physical abusor, my mother was verybally and emotionally abusive to me.
I have not been able to form quality relationships with women because of this. Even today she still continues to ruin my life in any way she can. I felt there was some healing that had take place as i forgave her, but it seems to have only given her licence to continue her bizarre abusive ways...even now as my brother dies of aids. It really sickens me.
It sickens me how a parent can treat children in such horrible ways, I treat my children like gold, I listen to every word, I spend tons of time with them, I am 110% a GREAT MOM and I am proud to say that because that to me is the most important thing in this world, to receive the beautiful gift of a child and then to nurture and love that beautiful child so that he/she feels self confident, joyeous and loved is THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, and it really breaks my heart when i hear stories of children who are neglected, abused or abandoned...nothing worse.
Please continue to write bc007, we all care about you and each other here. Blessings

October 30, 1999
4:48 am
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bc007
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Tears & Lost Soul,

I am overwhemed by you replys you both to me, I only started writing in the hope that I can resolve some of the big issues in my life. When I read your replys it made me feel I had no right to feel sorry for myself when you both had such terrible abuse in your life.
I have tried most of my life to look at how lucky I am compared to so many and this had help me a lot, but it is the feelings you have deep in your soul that is difficult to escape from.
I was about thirteen when I first met my brother John, although I had heard about both my brothers on those visits to my Sisters. My Brother John was the youngest of the two. He arrived at where I lived one day to say hello and invite me to his wedding. When the day arrived it was very strange being there with a family that I belonged to but was an outsider. My parents when they were alive we very poor, this was due to the fact that my Father never worked because he was an invalid. My brother was from the country and as you are aware in England we have regeional accents and my brother had a very strong one, I only mention this because my Sister and eldesr Brother sort of looked down on this because it made him sound thick. When we were at the reception my eldest Brother turned up, he had not been invited. He was a larger than life character, he was married with Children. I had always dreamed that one day he would come along and take me away from my other life. Now I am older I realise he was only sixteen when I was taken into care and he must have had his own hangups and he also had to make his way in the world. Anyway he invited me to stay with him for a week with my other Sister Jane. On that visit I discovered that my Brother was very in the prossess of buying a business. He bought a nursing home for the elderly and became very wealthy. I am sorry to say that this was done at the expence of his family his children went to boarding Schools. The children had all that money could buy except the number one ingrediant Time and love. I dont know why I am going into what seems irelevant garble, I dont know how to summaries years in a few words. My Brother always said that he promised my Mother he would help me if I ever needed it. After I left college I was approached by a local business person if I would like to use one of there shops to open a hair salon. They would provide the shop and we would go into partnership. I needed money for my half. In thoses days a women could not get a loan from the bank unless you had a garrantor( wrong spelling) so I went to my brother to ask if he would either be a garentor at the bank or loan me the money and I would pay him back with interest. This wasnot a large sum to him £200. He said that the very best advise he could give me was to stand on my own two feet. I managed to get the loan as a friends father garanteed for me. However because of lack of any legal knowledge and with no one to advise me I ending up signing a contract that they owned 60% to my 40%. No problem with this as they had put up more than me. However because the business was just starting I agreed to take a very low salary from it until it was built up. Unfortunatly there was a clause in the contract that said salary increase had to be agreed by the partners, and the women had 40% and her husband has 20%. When the busness started to make money I said I now needed to have an increase and they said no. I could no longer live on such a small amount so I went to a solicitor to ask advise only to be informed I did not have a leg to stand on. I resigned and walked away from the business with nothing but my origianl loan. I went to a local factory to get a job with enough money to enable me to pay back the loan, which I duly did.

October 31, 1999
12:01 pm
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bc007
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I got married at the age of twenty three, the man I married lived with his adopted Father and although he was a lovely man he used emotional blackmail to keep him living with him. When we married he was about 68 and suffered from bad asthma, he believed that he did not have long to live so he persuaded us to live with him and not get our own home as I wanted. We had no privacy as there was only one living room. So any problems were saved up until bedtime and usually ended with a row. I tried several times to get my husband to move to a place of our own. He would not do this because he did not want responsibilities of running a home and also because he felt he owed his father for adopting him. About a week before our first wedding anniversary I found out he was seeing another women. This women worked at the same place as him. I tried to get him to finnish seeing her, I also excepted part of the blame for making life at home more difficult and driving him into the arms of another. I said the best thing would be to get our own home and make a fresh start. He said this was not worth the risk. I was very frightened of moving out and getting a place alone, however I did this and moved into a small flat. I do not think he believed that I would do this and almost immediately wanted to come and see me and spend time with me. He lost interest in the other women it was a case of only wanting what he could not have, when she was free for him he was no longer interested.
I believe he was jealous of me having a place of my own because I could come and go as I pleased without answering to anyone. He still was living with his father. About a year later I was still on my own and he said he wanted us to get back together, because I did not have anyone else in my life and still believed that I was in love with him I agreed, on condition that he found us a house and we lived alone.

November 1, 1999
8:24 am
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hazza
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hi bc,
you could be writing my story! You are NOT alone in your feelings believe me. I too am british, i understand the affects of snobbery that occurs in this country.

Well, as said my mother was my birth mother, but other than that she sounds very similar to yours. When i was growing up we all lived in a big house with my paternal grandparents too, my mother hated this as she felt like the outsider, but to me it was great. I was very close to my grandfather as a child, he was a remarkable man, a self taught philosopher with honours from many universities throughout europe. He only spent four years of his childhood at school because until the age of 8 he was in a wheelchair. He was told he would never walk, he ignored them and at 8 years old got out of his chair and was walking ever since!
I had a bizarre childhood with him, he taught me so much about so many different things in life that i felt so different from other kids, anyone who met him would remeber him as a complete excentric.

His main quality was that he protected me from my mother and her anger, just like your father, he was the only one who saws through her.

One day i came hoe from school, i was 13, to find he had been rushed to hospital, we waited all night for news but at 10 o'clock that evening he died.

My mothers nemesis was out of the way, she became even more controlling, the next fews years were hard.
Eventually she had a breakdown, I had always known in my heart of hearts that she was the one with the problem not me, but it still affects you doesn't it?

Not she is a more mellow person, she is still annoying as hell, she had an affair, which i guessed as to me these things are usually obvious, i spent six months listening to my father wonder if she was seeing someone else and then have her telling me about it, I had promised her that i would not say anything because for a while it seemed as if she was genuinely happy for the first time in her life and basically it was not my decision to make, but eventually i said she must make a decision. She stayed with my dad, he is a very forgiving man! he understood that i could not tell him, we are very close like that.
All of the family saw what she was really like through this event, i had my brothers etc coming to me saying that they could never understand why i didn't trust her etc but now they did.
Anyway, sorry for the long story, but i wanted to explain some of the reasons that i feel the same way as you do.
I understand totally the livig in fear, i too fear being sacked from every job, i fear everything.
I have spent years trying to get everyones approval because as a child i didnt have the approval of my mother.
I am working hard now to care less what others think of me and care more about what I think .
It is not an easy habit to break, but we will get there.
I think it is the lack of maternal love, whether it be birth mother of foster mother that is the cause of these feelings and we cannot re-write the past, we just have to re-balance outselves for our futures,
Trust yourself BC, you will get to where you want to be in life, just as i will with a little corage and patience and keep talking to us,
Take care
Hazza

November 3, 1999
3:17 pm
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bc007
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I am gripped with fear today I cannot write sensibly I have been away with work for two days. I am trying to get to grips with a new job. I used to work as a customer Service Manager in the same company and was happy doing this job. The company has had a re structure and there has been a lot of redundancies. My job was incorporated into two and another person took over the role. They could of got rid of my, however they have always been pleased with my performance so they gave me a job in a totally differant area of the business. I have not been given any training and it is expected that I will hit the floor running. I am trying hard but am totally out of my depth. I have to keep up the pretence that I am in control, hoping that I will pick it up before they sack me. I feel as though I am drowning. My husband does not support me in they way I would like. He works nights and has the days to himself. I come home from work and have the total responsibility of the Children and the house work. I crave someone to take all this worry away from with.Somedays like today I find life is just to hard to cope with. But I will get up tomorrow put on my public mask and keep on trying, and pray I am not found out to be the fraud I believe myself to be.
Thank god I can write here. Why is there no hiding place.

November 3, 1999
5:27 pm
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Anonymous
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YOU are not a fraud, you CAN handle your job otherwise they wouldnt have trusted you with it, you need to trust yourself b.c. The fraud does not exist only a fear, face your fears and do it anyway:)

November 4, 1999
11:04 am
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Bc, your writing style is amazing. I feel like I'm reading a classic novel. I can really find some similarities with "Jane Eyre." And from the feelings of not belonging and feeling inadequate at everything...you have really come a long way. At one point you didn't feel you were worthy of being anything more than a hair dresser, but you came to working as a customer service manager. I'd say you proved yourself quite worthy.

Fact is, every night I struggle to find peace and quiet. I can't understand why I can't have a time that is calm and relaxing. The stress is unbelievable. I have plenty of housework every day that never gets completed. The children need my undivided attention...they are still very young. No family can make it on one income, so I work part time...still isn't enough. AND both of us are going to school part time to try and better ourselves.

You are still young...you can still do anything you want with your life. So tell me, What do you want to be when you grow up? Don't even think about what you are qualified for just think about what you dream about.

~JC

November 4, 1999
2:30 pm
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bc007
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I think I am able to write some more tonight. We bought a house, the day we moved we got remarried. We went out to the registry office in the morning with two friends, had lunch and they helped us move in the afternoon. I would love to say that we were really happy but it was not what I had hoped for. After a couple of years the body clock started to tick and I thought if I am going to have children I had better make a start, I was 28 then. After trying for a baby about a year things were not happening, so we went to a fertility clinic to see what the problem was. About the same time I had a regular smear test. One day after returning from work I recieved a letter from my GP to say please contact asap. When I did he said that I needed to see a consultant because he believed I had cancer of the cervix. He also explained that as I was trying for a baby I should stop until I had the all clear. Unbeknown to myself at the time I was already pregnant. Because of this they could not give me any treatment until after the baby was born. The next few months were very difficult because I was worried incase the cancer was spreading also becuase I was frightened that the baby could be affected by this.
When I went into labour I had a very bad time, the baby head was facing the wrong way and would not come out, they became alarmed because it was in distress. Anyway my darling little son Sam was dragged into the world kicking and screaming. I will always remember that night after I had given birth, looking into this cot beside me at this little boy that I had brought into the world. My life after settled into routine after the baby was born probably like most women. I had resigned from my job because I belived that it was important to stay at home with your child and enjoy a very special period of time with him, at least until he started school. When my son was only a few months old my husband decided to start a busness with a friend of his. I was very unhappy about it but he said if he did not have a go he could spend the rest of his life regreting it. I was worried for my security as you can imagine I no longer worked so I felt very vunerable.

November 6, 1999
10:46 am
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lost soul
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Hi bc007
You are a strong woman!and also a great mother.I believe in you.Through the hardship that you have been through I believe that someday you will be sucessful.
Believe me, believe in yourself.

November 6, 1999
11:18 am
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Sherri
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Bc- I am also in a situation somewhat similar to yours. Before coming here, I never realized that so many people had stories like mine. But I'm stating to see that together we may be able to help each other through these difficult times/memories. I was not a foster child, but had a mother that verbally abused me and physically, and my dad as well. They were both alcoholics, there was never peace in our house. My father constantly went in and out of my life. My mother was not what you'd call the "model parent figure". She has a very low self esteem i realize now, and like me cannot let anyone see this vulnerableness about herself. So in order to bring herself up, she would constantly put me down. We also moved alot, so I had a very tough time fitting in and making friends. I was very shy. Anyway, you have to overcome these feelings of inadequacy. You are not a loser. You have managed to do a lot on our own and need to look and evaluate these things. Don't dwell on your mistakes. Even the most successful people make mistakes. They just don't dwell on it. They shrug their shoulders and move on. You can do it.

November 7, 1999
12:07 am
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lost soul
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Hi Sherri(Empty)
Its good to give your best advise to others.Giving healthy advise to others itself is therapeutic and there will be some self dicovery too.
Like me, I enter this site with lost and misery.(That's the reason I choose my nick name "lost soul".But today I am on my way to "recovery".Partly because my husband has show some improvement and also I have other focus.
but life is so unpredictable,we just have to stay firm with our own two feet.Ofcouse, there are always moment of weakness.And I believe I can share it here, and there will always be support from you guys.
All the best to everybody here, and lets keep in touch and continue to give support to each others when it is needed.
Cheers. Lost soul/ HOpe

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