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Am I right to be angry?
October 3, 2014
7:00 pm
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yoma14
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October 3, 2014
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Hi, I am 34 years old male. Ive been working in finance for 6 years and
have been laid off multiple times due to the economy. I was laid off a
bit less than 2 years ago due to a restructuring with the company and
have been unemployed since. I moved home when I was laid off to
basically help take care of my great grandmother who passed away
recently. Because of this, I haven't been able to look for full time
work and because ive been out of work for so long, it has been very
difficult for me to get back in the market. I am now living with my
parents. They have provided me with a free college education. The other
day we got into a big argumement over something so stupid. My dad calls
me basically " a useless piece of shit that can't help out the family"
(in another language). Then I go ape shit on him telling him how much
ive sacraficed. I have also lent him (my parents) 70K for something else. I am left with very little. Keep in
mind, I am not close to my father. We don't really talk much. What are
your thoughts? Sorry, im jsut feelin really down now.

October 5, 2014
5:52 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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January 18, 2012
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I am sorry to hear about your troubles both with work & your current living situation.  You do have a right to be angry because your father should not speak to you that way regardless of what he might think.  Speaking to his son in this manner is abusive no matter how old you are.  The thing you should not do is react to his abusive comments.  Take whatever anger you have & use it to plan a way to get away from having to live with your father so that you are no longer the victim of his verbal abuse.  While it might take a long while for you to have an opportunity to emancipate yourself away from your home of origin, I suggest that whenever possible (especially when your father is being verbally abusive) to try to take yourself away from hearing range of your father.  The last thing you need is negativity.  Try to remember that most verbal abusers are not really speaking about anyone but themselves when they verbally abuse.  He is hurting you, but he is hurting himself way more.  Don't react to what he is saying.  I believe as human beings we have two choices when addressing one another: 1) We listen to others and try to understand 2)We offer praise.  Anything else is useless in my opinion.

 

One Day

October 24, 2014
1:02 am
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JasonKaven
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October 23, 2014
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I didn't know what happened to you, but I think you care about your family a lot. You took care of grandmother, felt angry about what your father said. There is no right or wrong between families, because it is not smart to hurt anyone just in order to prove who is right, meaningless. I don't know why your father spoke that to you, but I'm sure it hurts you. Maybe your father just think you didn't have a full-time job for a long time, or compared you with someone else, or just he didn't feel good that day, you don't need to think too much. No matter you are close to your father or not, you have to admit: he is your father.  You did a lot of good things, not like your father said, I can totally understand you, why you felt so down because it is said by your father. My father also spoke bad words to me, and I also felt sad. But I also, no matter what he said, he worried about me, just showed it in a bad way. 🙂 

October 25, 2014
7:19 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Jason Kaven, I enjoyed reading your answer but I do not agree with your suggestions.  This man is 34 & deserves to have some space.  It did not sound at all like Yoma's Dad was just having a bad day.  I am quite certain beyond any shadow of doubt in any way shape or form that Yoma loves his entire family.  Yoma, is likely a very good person.  That is why he does not deserve to accept such treatment from his father.  His father needs to apologize & show respect to his son who has done his best & yes, I do believe Yoma truly loves his family.  What you propose is that he just accept unacceptable behaviour and pretend like it never happened or that he should forgive his father.  Do you understand that there is no doubt in my mind that when someone is abusive verbally, it is rarely a one time affair & it is the person that verbally abuses that needs help, not the victim.  Notice that the Grandmother who is likely much older than Yoma's Dad, did not attack Yoma?  Sure people of all ages have bad days & say the wrong thing sometimes, but they need to apologize & not pretend next day like it never happened.  If Yoma hurt so much over the comments that it provoked him to post here, I don't think you should coddle him with some sort of an answer to repress his anger & forgive his father.  That keeps Yoma a victim.  While Yoma might need to stay living in his current situation, nothing will change for Yoma unless Yoma changes it for himself.  If Yoma finds a way to walk away when his father starts his verbal abuse again (and he will), watch how his father will think twice after Yoma follows the instruction to remove himself even for 20 minutes each time.  Abusers can abuse because the victims of their abuse allow for the abuse to continue.  It's a pattern.  Refuse to do the dance for the abuser, means he either finds someone else to abuse or has no choice but to stop.  No matter what, Yoma decides to respect himself and when he walks away, he is not allowing anyone to take what makes him Yoma away from him.  Standing up for himself is not only a good thing for Yoma, but it shows the rest of the family that the father's behaviour is wrong and hurtful.

 

One Day

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