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Am I really here??
February 20, 2005
8:26 am
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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Hi
I've left a few replies since last week but only realised it's a good idea to start my own thread so everyone knows my situation.
I'll explain a bit. 17 years ago I met this lovely, independent, hard working man . Just after meeting I fell pregnant and we had a beautiful daughter together (whos now 14). He was emotionally unavailable to me, always putting his own family first. His dad was a chronic alcoholic. I was left to bring up the baby with him 'around' but never there. I Consequently never moved into his house (as he promised I would). I later found out he as addicted to cocaine as well as having a serious problem with alchohol. I knew this relationship would not work for me - but I stayed and as well as bringing up a baby with no job or money on my own, I tried until I was blue in the face to make him be happy and for us to find ways to be together . But nothing worked.
After 7 years I 'bumped' into another man. We looked into eachothers eyes as we passed and I believed it was 'love at first sight'. I still believe there is something there (probably my co dependent denial). 10 years later and he has moved all around the country (after promising to live near to me) , verbally, mentally and spritually abused me AND my child (who refuses to talk to him now). He's banged on my door at all hours, shouted abuse down the phone, chased me in the street, broken my door down - then always said 'sorry'. I was broken hearted to find I was going through the same relationship as I had with my ex! I went crazy - coz he kept calling me crazy. I took tranquillizers to sleep, I drank to try and make the pain go away. I begged and begged him to change so we could have a 'normal relationship' only to find 10 years later he really doesn't care. His bottle and his friends come first yet he makes promises all the time and I 'm stupid enough to always believe them.
Hence I have lost nearly 17 years of my life. I do absolutely everything to try and get myself back and get out of this constant pain. I want my life back and I so want to enjoy it with someone I know I can trust, rely on and occasionally lean on. But if I keep thinking that way then I'll probably end up with the same kind of needy yet unavailable person. That's why I have to try and look into myself and do what's best for myself.
I did come from a very dysfunctional family. Father was very strict and controlling and mum was the codependent one. No one talked about feelings in my home. There was nothing but arguments and shouting and hostility. But it was always me that tried to keep the peace ever since I remember. I learned to settle all arguments (so I thought), be there to make everyone laugh and do whatever anyone wanted me to do and constantly care for them. Whilst no one else gave a shit about me. This carried on to adult hood. I even do an emotionally exhausting job on top of having a 'so called' relationship with a man unavailable to me. Sometimes I don't know how I cope, sometimes I really can't cope. But I try to live one day at a time and things HAVE got better for me over the years. I am getting a sense of feeling back after being knocked back for so many years. So I am doing something right. I just wanted you all to know my story and hope I can join you all on this journey because I can understand what everyone is going through and you are the only people that can understand me. I'm pleased to have found it.

Thank you for listening.

February 20, 2005
11:31 am
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Rasputin
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September 30, 2010
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Hi Faith & belief,

I like your name! I can relate to you cause I came from the same family background as yours. I was the most peaceful, wisest person in my family.

With my ex bfs none of my relationships worked cause I was aalways the giving, generous one.

Usually women like that get attracted to selfish needy men.

I am learning and growing. Several years ago, I went through a healing process through a help of a Christian book that transformed my life. I forgave all the people who abused me.
For the first time, I started to love myself without considering it selfish.

There was so much co-dependency symptoms in me, God healed me, He still is. Lately I ended an online date cause the Guy was behaving in improper manner. Before in a situation like that, I used to become co-dependent. But now, through God's help I did the right thing. I realized it was an unhealthy one and made a decision to end it.

I am thrilled to the progress I am making. You can do it, everybody can do it!!!

Life is all about learning and growth.

I will keep you in my prayers!

Love,

Rasputin

February 20, 2005
12:27 pm
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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Thank you Rasputin for your kind words and understanding. As I am working the 12 step programme I have started to believe in a Power higher than myself and I truly find it is working. My prayers seem to get answered - if I ask and this is a tremendous help for my healing too. I am glad you found the strength to finish the on line relationship you must have felt extremely good about yourself. I 'm trying desperately not to ring or contact my ex partner but know it'll be hard when he comes to me with his declaration of love all over again. But I will hope and pray that I can love myself more.

many hugs to you and well done for your progress.

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