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am I possessive and co dependent
June 28, 2000
10:31 am
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fore
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my wife says I am possessive and am wrecking our marriage. I am trying to understand how I should feel about flirting. We have been married a year. This is her fifth marriage and my second. She has dated a lot and is I have a problem with my sexuality compared to other men. The thing I have a problem with is hearing about who flirted with her or who offered to buy her a drink or being told "I would date him" during conversations about couples we have met since we been married.
My wife travels some in her job and each time we talk while she's out of town she tells me about the good looking, interesting guy she is working with and that they had dinner and that they talked about what a flirt they both are but how it doesn't mean anything.

I don't particularly want to hear about this and when I tell her she says she likes to flirt and it doesn't mean anything and that I am possessive and make her unhappy. It is starting to mess up our sex life.

Am I paranoid about not thinking this does anything to grow our relationship? How should I respond when our conversations go down this path?

June 30, 2000
9:43 pm
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Spirit
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Please don't take this the wrong way but, you both need to mature. Love isn't about possessing or about flirting with other people, or about making a point of telling your partner about such flirtations. Love is about being there for the one you love, caring, sharing life, and growing togehter as well as separately. If the two of you don't sit down and talk about what love and marriage is, there soon won't be anything to discuss except through divorce attorneys. Blessed be the ones who love each other enough to know when enough BS is enough.

July 3, 2000
12:02 am
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holly2001
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I agree with the above comment. Grow up and decide whether you both want to be "married" or whether it's more fun to date and compare notes. If you are into fun, get a divorce. If you are into marriage, stop going out, get her to stop being "unprofessional", and go to a marriage counselor. If you are both really young, forget about it, you are going through natural changes you should have thought about before tying the knot. If not,, decide, like MATURE adults, what the goal is and whether you both see it the same. If not, cut your losses, there is only one mortal life on this earth, and the who knows what, but bet on the one chance for happiness. Look in your heart. Are you happy? Can you see it into the far future? Are you compatible (morals, religion, kids, family, money, etc, etc, etc, )??? Ask the hard questions, then make an educated decision for your OWN HAPPINESS and FULFILLMENT...... Please think!!!!!

July 11, 2000
8:01 pm
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Flowers
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No you are not too possessive--she has made you feel insecure and she has a need to do this. Sounds like she has very low self-esteem and needs that attention from men. She needs help and now you will too because her problems have affected you badly. Love means you hurt when you cause your lover too hurt---she is enjoying the game. Don't let her mean actions and words cause you to feel worthless and unloved. I would tell her how shw hurts you, do not accept the abuse and it is abuse...and move on if it doesn't change or you will hurt the rest of your life.

July 12, 2000
2:39 pm
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charmei
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July 12, 2000
6:22 pm
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heartfelt
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Unfortunatly, people are going to do what they want to, it be flirting or whatever. We don;t have control over those decisions, but we do have choices. Making our own healthy choices, the ones that take care of us is a key to break our self imposed chaotic mind snd bring us back to the heart of the matter.

July 26, 2000
9:09 am
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fore
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I want to thank everyone who responded to my posting. It helped a great deal to hear other people say that there was more than one side to the story. Since I wrote the first time, a lot has happened. About a month ago I came home from work to find her gone with a note outlining everything that was wrong with me from problems with my sexual identity to not folding the towels correctly. I had always heard that if someone you love leaves you, you should let them go, if they love you they will come back and if not they did't love you anyway, so I just sat home for two weeks.

I broke down and called her after a couple of weeks and asked her if she was coming home. Her response was "I have no idea." About that same time I began getting responses here and began to look at our relationship differently. The more I thought about it the more I came to understand that indeed I am codependent. Almost begging for her to abuse me and giving up if I did make a decision and she didn't agree with it. You know the story.

I called her back about a week ago, she's been gone over a month and told her this had gone on long enough and that we needed to decide something. Her reply was that she would not be pushed into a decision that would affect the rest of her life.

I prayed over this for almost a week and yesterday I filed for divorce. I feel more relief that I have felt in years. I don't expect it to be easy but making my own choices and deciding that I will not allow myself to be abused any longer is a very good feeling.

Again, my thanks to everyone who responded and maybe sometime I can repay the favor.

July 28, 2000
12:30 am
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smiley
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wow! divorce? how about just some time to work out your own problems first? Although I agree she needs to mature, Anyone can take the courage to change themselves first. Then if she still doesn't see the changes in you, at least you know you have done what is necessary for yourself. It can only help. Sometimes it's harder to look at our own part in the problem. It's always easier to blame

P.S. There are many resourses online and in books for repairing relationships.

July 28, 2000
2:15 pm
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fore
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Thanks for your response. I went through the process of trying to find a way not to have to do this. A divorce was the last option I wanted to have to exercise. What I have found is that, as heartfelt said,we don't have control over people's decisions. They do what they want to do. We do however have choices about what we are willing to let them do to us. Repairing a relationship requires that both people want that to happen. My wife simply wants to take away her love and her physical presence until I come to my senses. Then she walks back in a takes up where she left off. This usually works with co dependent people who are always willing to think they can change something to make the other person like them again. I have made a choice not to continue to live that way. I am not slamming the door on our relationship but I am prepared to end it if the choices are going back to how it has been or ending it.

July 28, 2000
10:17 pm
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I hear you. I do think you are wise to protect yourself. Actually I guess you are a stronger person than most. You haven't really given up hope, but also have let her know where your boundaries are. This isn't easy to do when emotions get in the way. Does she know why you filed? Sometimes our intentions are perceived diffently by our spouses. She may take it as getting even. And then actually encourage you to play her game of lose /lose. If you are truly interested in saving and repairing the relationship, be a living example of fairness and love. Have you ever read any of the books by Steven Covey? They are a real inspiration to me. I hope this offers you some peace and hope towards a better tomorrow . 🙂

July 28, 2000
10:17 pm
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smiley
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I hear you. I do think you are wise to protect yourself. Actually I guess you are a stronger person than most. You haven't really given up hope, but also have let her know where your boundaries are. This isn't easy to do when emotions get in the way. Does she know why you filed? Sometimes our intentions are perceived diffently by our spouses. She may take it as getting even. And then actually encourage you to play her game of lose /lose. If you are truly interested in saving and repairing the relationship, be a living example of fairness and love. Have you ever read any of the books by Steven Covey? They are a real inspiration to me. I hope this offers you some peace and hope towards a better tomorrow . 🙂

July 28, 2000
10:57 pm
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I hear you. I do think you are wise to protect yourself. Actually I guess you are a stronger person than most. You haven't really given up hope, but also have let her know where your boundaries are. This isn't easy to do when emotions get in the way. Does she know why you filed? Sometimes our intentions are perceived diffently by our spouses. She may take it as getting even. And then actually encourage you to play her game of lose /lose. If you are truly interested in saving and repairing the relationship, be a living example of fairness and love. Have you ever read any of the books by Steven Covey? They are a real inspiration to me. I hope this offers you some peace and hope towards a better tomorrow . 🙂

July 31, 2000
11:34 am
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fore
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You asked if my wife knew why I filed for a divorce. Yes she does. How she preceives it, is a question only she can answer. I thought about this a lot and prayed about it as well. She may take it as getting even. That is a choice only she can make. I think of it as my choice not to allow myself to be abused any longer. I feel it will stay her game as long as I continue to play. That to me is the point. I don't want to play games. I just want a real relationship. NO GAMES!

I am truly interested in saving and repairing the relationship. Both of us must have that as an objective if it is to succeed. I can't take responsibility for it all and I have to accept the fact that she may not be able to function in a relationship based on trust instead of one based on someone having the upper hand.

Sometimes you just have to do what you believe is right for you and let the one person make their choices. They just don't have the right to make yours.

August 2, 2000
2:42 pm
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cheesehead
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ok here's my story. I've been married for just over 2 years now. In November my wife found out that her father has Cancer and is in so many words Terminal, but not listed as such. Well i work during the day and work at night to a job I'm commited to for some 80-90 nights a year. So when her father was starting to deal with all this i wasn't there for her choosing to work instead. Now knowing I should have been there for her even though she said to go ahead and work she didn't mean for me too. Well about a month ago we returned from vacation and she hit me with the bomb of "She resented me for not being there all the time". Now I was there some of the time, but not always. So know we don't really talk although I really try to apologize and say I'm sorry till I'm blue in the face. We've started counseling and also started to read Codependent No More since the counseler said that I was Codependent. But my problem is that we live in the house together, but she has shut down totally towards me and I try and try to make up for my mistakes. But I think a lot has to do with her father so i am receiving the blame and cold shoulder. It's driving me crazy knowing that I am just spinning my whells getting no where.

August 2, 2000
3:25 pm
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fore
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I don't know what she had to do on the nights you were working, so it's difficult to determine how much extra work it placed on her. Also does she work?
Since life goes on and bills have to be paid I don't necessarily put working in the same category as other things you could have been doing for your own entertainment(like fishing or drinking and partying) but apparently she does.

Cut her some slack, she is going through a rough time and may see things differently as she becomes more at ease with her father's condition.
If you've apologized and meant it, stop apologizing. Once or maybe twice is enough. She either accepts it or she doesn't.
I got some very good advice here. People are going to do what they are going to do, we can't change that. The only thing we can do is make a choice about how we are going to let it affect us. You've apologized and started counseling, forgive yourself and get busy with things that fill the time. Don't worry about things past today. Tomorrow will take care of itself and you'll know what to do with the time comes.

August 3, 2000
2:57 am
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Iris
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Divorce is, sometimes, a solution. But divorce is also hell. I understand your position and respect your choice, nevertheless, I agree with SMILEY that if there is a chance for repairing your relationship, take this chance.

I would suggest that you let your wife read your thread on this site and see how she responds. Good Luck

August 3, 2000
4:38 am
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hazza
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Hi Fore,
I think you have made the right decision.
Yes it is sad, but you taking yourself out of the cycle and really what other choice do you have?

We have to set boundaries . for real.
fores choice was not part of a game, he has thought it through - otherwise does he go on playing her games for ever?
it is sad, but sometimes we have to jump out of these situations once and for all, if you have tried everything else then there comes a point when enough is enough - life is too short to play games.
Hazza

August 3, 2000
11:59 am
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cheesehead
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She works during the days and I work days and some nights during the week and weekend. Her problem is that she sees a lot of me in her father. He also worked a lot and was not there for her when she needed him and she sees that I'm the same way. I've told her if and when we do have children I will slow way down on working at night. The only reason she allows me to work at night is because I have a job I love to do more than my day job.
But have told her that she is more important than any job. The counselor said not to give it up untill we can determine our problems and situation.
She does keep herself busy during the evenings by working out. Don't get me wrong it's not like I'm never home it's just that I'm not there all the time as she wants and that's a stumbling block right now. I do all I can for her and have started to learn to not apologize over and over again.I know she loves me and we can make this work she needs to communicate more with me instead of not talking about it.

August 3, 2000
9:59 pm
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fore
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Has the counsler made any recommendations regarding things you both need to do to improve the marriage? Communication is an overworked word. If two people just voice their grips but neither listens it isn't communication. If you've got things you need to change, make every effort to change them. She can do the same thing. If that works you have it whipped. If you do it and she doesn't, believe me you are still the better for having done it. You have control only over yourself. Doing the right thing and making the best, more honest effort you have in you will either make things better or give you the inner strength to handle the outcome if it doesn't work.

Be careful of people who put conditions on their love. Silence and withholding their love to punish you is a form of abuse.

I wish you the best and will say a prayer for you.

August 3, 2000
10:06 pm
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fore
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Iris

Thanks for your reply. I didn't do this without a lot of thought and as much as I would like to have my marriage last, I know I can't do that by myself.

This is her power play. Run off while I'm at work leaving me a nasty note about not picking up my shoes and pushing the chairs back under the table. Nothing that merits a month of being gone. If anyone allows themselves to be treated like this, they will be treated that way from now on.

I think it was here that I read a quote. If you settle for less than you deserve, you will receive less than you settled for. I deserve better.

I am willing to try to save the marriage but I'm not willing to be the only one trying to save it.

August 3, 2000
10:10 pm
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fore
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hazza

Sounds like you've been where I am. Hate having to do what I am having to do but I have to accept the fact that just because you love someone doesn't mean they love you. I should not have to wonder where my wife is or what she is doing for over a month.

Life is just too short to live it under those conditions and it will never change if you just accept it.

Thanks for the response

fore

August 4, 2000
10:10 am
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cheesehead
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Well we talked last night and i told her we need to talk things over. Need to fiqure what we can do. She says the damage is done and she has no feelings toward me and doesn't know what to do. Meanwhile I told her I want to I want to make improvements to me to help her maybe feel more comfortable with me. It just seems that I am the only one willing to try and work on things. She decided to give up after a while fiquring I didn't care, which was not true. She never really got in my face and said "hey I need you right now be here for me please" it was only like an option. And it's not like I didn't want to be there for her, but she never pushed the issue. Right now I feel as though I'm up to bat in the bottom of the ninth with the winning run on second base and a hit will win the game, but I've got two strikes on me with two outs and she throwing the heat. I'm helpless in the situation. I'm trying with someone who walks around emotionaless around me. It reaaly stinks.

August 9, 2000
1:53 pm
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Fore, I know that I am at the tail end of this thing, but let me tell you something. Sometimes when people feel "unworthy of the wonderful things in their life" or even "overwhelmed with aspects of their life", they have to 'bring the people around them down a thousand to their level'. What your wife is doing to you is purposely trying to make you feel insecure so that you will cling to her, which will justify her actions toward other men. Don't cling, and be unconcerned.....in fact start noticing 'the girl down the street' or the woman in your office' and I'll tell you what... she's going to straighten up when she realizes that two can do it too. She wants you to think that the only woman you can give her attention to is her and that nobody is going to ever 'love' you like her because she can go out and flirt and still come home. Flirting is a natural reaction to other people's pleasantries and if she looks for it, then honey she needs something that you or no man can or will ever give her.....Don't be so hard on yourself, she has a problem too.

August 10, 2000
12:30 pm
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fore
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sickntired
Thanks for the reply. You apparently have been where I am. Your comment about she can go out and flirt and still come home really hit the nail on the head. She was on a business trip and made a point of telling me she had dinner with one of the men she was working with and how good looking he was and how he was just like her... loved to flirt but always went home to his wife. It made me feel very unimportant, but it took me a while to figure out why. Shortly after that conversation she explained to me how if she ever met a man that just swept her off her feet, she would tell me, rather than treating me bad and just cheating with him. That too made me feel very unimportant and unsecure in our marriage. It's like living with 'when might the hammer fall'.
I finally came to realize that it isn't about me. It's about her. No one man can satisfy a woman who requires that much attention. Even if I could devote 24 hours a day to her needs, it wouldn't be enough.
I believe in the institution of marriage and won't dishonor it by playing around while I'm married, but I understand that I deserve better than what is going on and something needs to change. So I'm changing it.

Again, thanks for the response. It has been amazing to me how much it helps to see thoughts I have had expressed by another human being.

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