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Am I over reacting?
May 31, 2005
9:45 am
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shyshy
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The guy I'm dating has an ex that he likes to talk to from time to time because she supposedly gives him some good advice. I've told him a bunch of times already that I am not ok with that. He stops for a while and then starts again.

I have access to his phone bill and check it from time to time and noticed that he started talking to her again. I know it's not cool to snoop but I can't trust him so I do. I am really upset about this and want to know what everyone else thinks.

Am I over reacting over this? Should I be ok with him talking to this woman that he used to date? I know there's nothing going on but I am just not cool with him talking to other women, especially someone he used to date.

May 31, 2005
11:12 am
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CAMER
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if you know there is nothing going on, then what is the real reason why you don't want him talking with her??? does she seem to be a "threat" to your relationship now???

May 31, 2005
11:19 am
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Anonymous
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I agree. I am friends with men I use to date, and my ex used to freak out. All it did was make me upset with him, and his trying to control me because he was insecure.

Do you feel insecure in the relationship?

May 31, 2005
11:21 am
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shyshy
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It doesn't bother me as much anymore but when we first started dating I was just coming out of a 15 year relationship with a man who cheated on me repeatedly so I was really insecure. the reason it bothers me so much now is because he knows how I feel about it and he obviously doesn't give a sh-t and that bothers me.

Anything, I have to argue about with him is petty. He just can't be bothered!! I just broke up with him by the way. I told him he does not take me seriously and if this other person is so important to him then he can just be with her. I'm done!

May 31, 2005
11:30 am
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InPainZHT
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Shyshy,

I tend to agree with the other people in this thread; it's really a matter of whether or not your perceive this person to be a threat. If so, it could be because of your insecurities in the past relationship (which you should not let affect your current one), or because you are in fact getting signals and signs that there COULD be something there happening. THAT is what you have to watch out for but make sure you are being honest with yourself about.

When my ex began to accelerate contact with her ex, I had to fight my insecurities from my past relationships; my g/f at the time told me "I was overanalyzing, she isn't like that, she won't do what the other women do."

Well, come to find out, I my fear was actually well placed... you can imagine why.

The lesson to learn is that a phone call all by itself under ordinary circumstances isn't inapproriate behavior.

Multiple phone calls, perhaps with him acting funny or wanting to leave the room while you are there... or perhaps him lieing about phone calls or contact... THAT is a different story.

In know this didn't tell you anything, it's clear as mud, but just something for you to think about.

InPain

May 31, 2005
11:44 am
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shyshy
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No, I am not getting any signals that there is anything going on with this other woman. She is just someone he likes to talk to but I just have never felt it to be appropriate. I have always been like that and the way I see it, if the shoe was on the other foot he would be highly upset.

Besides that, just because there's nothing going on now doesn't mean that something can't develop.

The way I see it, he should honor my feelings and if he doesn't care enough to then he should just be with someone who doesn't care.

May 31, 2005
11:55 am
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ACryForHelp
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Well, could you ask her out for coffee and explain that even though you don't think there is anything "Going on" between them anymore you would appreciate it if she could distance herself from YOUR man for a while?

Don't bear your soul to her but explain that your last relationship ended due to cheating and you are not saying anything bad about her for YOUR PEACE OF MIND you would appreciate it if they did not talk for a while until you settle all the issues between you two.

If she is a Bitch about it or gets all defensive and freaks out then stay calm and end the conversation having said your peace.

It can't hurt to talk as long as you stay calm and speak in facts and not acusations or anger. She might not be aware that you don't like him talking to her. (Though she SHOULD...)

If you can't cope with confronting her just now then talk to a counseler and get some of your insecurities out in the open and see if he is even worth all this turmoil.

(I'm bitter and cynical so I ALWAYS say that the guy isn't worth it... But it is up to you! LOL)

Or do what I do in times of stress. Sit down somewhere quiet and write out your frustrations. Then using facts and not accusations and write him a letter explaining how you feel and why. You can get A LOT more out in the open with a pen then with him sitting there looking at you...

Good luck! Things will work themselves out in the end...

May 31, 2005
12:01 pm
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InPainZHT
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I must agree with most of the other responses here, once again. I guess, basically, you have to just feel your own way; let the fellow know, whether directly or in writing, that you don't approve of this. See how he feels. Follow your instincts.

I just always take such events and place them kinda on a "watch list" mentally, to see if anything else pops up on my radar. Phone calls, all by them selves, can't really be harmful anyway, I wouldn't think (unless it's phone sex of course). But, taken with meetings at inappropriate places and times, or disproportionate amounts of time and gifts spent on the person, that's another thing.

If he gives HER a gold charm neckless, a new beautiful dress, a box of chocolates and a dozen red roses for her birthday... and you just get a card... well............

InPain

May 31, 2005
12:23 pm
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shyshy
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Hi again, thanks for all of your feedback. I really appreciate it. I really needed to get this off my chest and as usual you guys are always here for me.

I've told him at least three or four times before that I do not approve of him talking to this woman because I don't feel that it's appropriate and that he wouldn't want me doing the same and he stops for a while and always starts again. I confront him about it again, he'll stop for a while and start again.

I won't call this other woman because she's really not feeding into all this from what I can tell. I've met her before (when we first started dating) and she really is a nice lady and I don't see on his bill where she ever calls him. He's always the one calling her and it's usually really late at night for whatever the reason.

I really do think I need to talk to a counselor. Other than that, no I don't think this relationship is worth hanging on to. He has a lot of bad habits I am not willing to live with and I hadn't broken up with him already because it's been very hard for me to let go. He's also very controlling.

May 31, 2005
2:59 pm
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CAMER
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maybe with him being controlling, its good that this happened, cuz it just
shows that he is going to do what he wants to, and not care about your needs and concerns. So this "ex" friend of his may be a blessing for you and him to break up. You deserve the best, and not a controlling man.

June 1, 2005
8:23 am
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shyshy
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Thanks Camer. I really needed to hear that today cause I really miss talking to him and I was wanting to at least send him a text message but I won't.

He's not worth it, he's really not. And speaking of controlling let me just tell you a little story about how controlling he is.

He told me on Monday night that he wanted to stop in and see me but he was afraid that I wouldn't want him around. I asked him why would he think that and he said he didn't know. So then I told him, well then let's do this, if you tell me you want to come over and I don't want you to then I'll tell you I'm tired. He then says "No, what I mean is that I want to be able to just stop in and not have to call you in advance".

Basically, he wants to come and go at my house as he pleases like he lives there. Ha! And I know damn well it has nothing to do with the fact that he wants to see me cause he barely EVER comes over. It has to do with the fact that if I tell him he can drop by whenever he feels like it then that means I have to make sure I'm home just in case he feels like dropping by cause God forbid he should drop by and I'm not home cause then there's hell to pay for him wasting his time driving all the way to my house.

Anyway, it's over now and I'm sad because we have a vacation planned for this August with the kids and the airfare is already paid for and I have no idea what I'm going to do about that.

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