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Am I okay?
October 4, 1999
8:23 pm
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nikihish
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I am a teenager and I feel as if I am not a person at all. I have a boyfriend whom is the only thing that kept me from doing the unthinkable. I have talked about and wanted to, many times, kill myself. There are days when I know that I am someone and others when I feel as if I am invisable. I have quiet a few "friends" but all they are is the kind where you say "hi". I feel as if I need help, I told my parents and they laughed. No one understands me and what I feel. All I want is someone to talk to and help me through my difficult times. PLEASE!

October 4, 1999
8:46 pm
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J. C.
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nikihish,

The teen years are probably some of the hardests years you'll have to face. Bare with it. You will go through (and have been) sooooo many changes. Along with these changes, you discover all these new emotions that are hard to understand. Nobody tells you how to handle these passionate feelings and surging hormones. They come on so strong so sudden. Sometimes it can appear to be an obsession if you don't know how to deal with it. I had a lot of friends like you described, but there was one that I was especially close to. However she was my best friend, but I wasn't hers. I wasn't comfortable telling her everything...including all my interests and my fears. Writing helped a lot. I spent time alone down in the creek near my mothers home writing in my journal. It really helps sort your feelings. As you grow older and mature your feelings don't run into each other so badly and you can develop an understanding of what is going on with you and your body.

I remember feeling very alone a lot of times. I know it is much harder these days than it was 10 years ago, but it isn't that much different. I still remember.

~JC

October 4, 1999
9:59 pm
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Anonymous
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nicely said jc.
I was also a lonely, confused teenager without any love at home and sought it out in men who ended up abusing me.
It is so hard when you are a teenager, because you do not understand that suicide is a perm solution to a temp problem. These feelings too will pass.
I must also tell you tha tprayer DOES work.
Blessings

October 4, 1999
9:59 pm
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Anonymous
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nicely said jc.
I was also a lonely, confused teenager without any love at home and sought it out in men who ended up abusing me.
It is so hard when you are a teenager, because you do not understand that suicide is a perm solution to a temp problem. These feelings too will pass.
I must also tell you tha tprayer DOES work.
Blessings

October 4, 1999
10:04 pm
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Jaskid
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nikihish,

I have been right where you are. Being a teenager is so overwhelming. You need support! Please do not give up on yourself! You do not even realize yet all of the strength that does lie inside of you! Your family may not understand but I am sure that they love you. When you feel these overwhelming feelings of just wanting to die, take a deep breath and hold it, then let is out very slow, do this several times. Then get on your knees and pray, start talking to God, who made a beautiful creation in you. Like who you are. God knows what you are feeling and only he can fill that empty void inside of you. He will give you peace if you just trust him. Try not to depend on your boyfriend so much, take is from me this will cause you alot of problems later on in life. My husband was my high school sweetheart and many of our problems stem from my lack of self esteem. You are not alone like J.C. said, there are people who do care and you came to the right place. There is no Hi, Bye friends here. We want to listen! Take Care,

Jaskid

October 5, 1999
11:52 pm
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nikihish
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Thank you all for replying, it has meant a lot. I know that suicide is a stupid thing to think about it is just that every once in a while it sounds like a good idea, you know? I will not commit suiceide and I believe that as long as someone, anyone, is there I will make it. Tonight I have been crying and no matter who I talked to I could not stop. Finally I believe that I have cried all the tears needed for tonight. I should be used to crying myself to sleep, I have done it plenty of times. I am a senior and have had stress constantly on my back. I worry to much about everything because I have been pushed to do my best. Right now I am tenth in my class out of one-hundred, the scary thing is that my grades are going down hill because I don't do my homework anymore because all I enjoy doing is laying in bed or being out in nature, either crying or trying to make sense of everything around me. I'm not getting to far on that though. Well I better go, Thank you to all who wrote me back, it means a lot. BYE!!

October 6, 1999
10:28 am
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J. C.
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Nikihish,

Congradulations on your rank!!! That is super!

Anyways, I remember telling myself everyday...trying to convince myself...tomorrow I will not cry. I cry about something every single day. I'm a big sissy. Then every night I'm crying again. The crying itself isn't what needs control. Crying is the control. Sometimes you just need it.

Also, I used to get so upset that suicide came to mind. I would be driving after leaving a party with my boyfriend courting another girl. I would picture myself physically turning the wheel into the pathway of an oncoming semi tractor trailor. OR I would be sitting at the railroad crossing watching the train go by. Imagining the cars behind me were honking their horns because the train had past. Then when I would go my car, with me in it, would be mangled by the train. Of course it was all imagination. It was my passion and my curiosity. I wrote a lot of poems about these things. It helped to put it on paper. I would rewrite them and change them...put emphasis in certain areas, make up more to it. It became a hobby. My 10th grade English teacher grew a great interest in these writings and wanted to help me publish. Of course I was a bit apprehensive to do it, but I will never forget Mr.O. He was the greatest. He gave me so much incouragement. He made me feel like I had something special that nobody could surpass. Give yourself time and you will find that in you too.

~JC

October 6, 1999
10:42 am
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Anonymous
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J.C that is a wonderful post, good for you!!!!!
Nik, what you are going through is actually a time of healing, the need for dreaming, rest and nature is your souls way of healing you. YOu are suffering from depression and need to take a break big time from your studies, there are things more important like your life and health. Heed the call of your soul and your mind, only YOU can drive yourself to perfection standards even though others expect this of you, though shit for them. I am a univ grad and taking a year off might be what you need. YOur studies will be there for you to pick up. Come on, lighten your load NIK, and we care. Blessings

October 6, 1999
11:55 am
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Cici
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Hi Niki...

I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm a junior in college, but I still freshly remember what I remember what Tori Amos referred to as "the atrocities of school."

I unfortunately just simply tried to ignore my feelings. I was successful until I graduated and moved out of my parents' house, after which I became increasingly involved with alcohol and drugs. I graduated 7th in my class, from a college prep program, with more than 36 credits under my belt. Now, I am about to attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings and am moving back to my parents' house. I dropped out of college inthe spring but am back part time this semester.

Teenagers are subject to mood swings and depressions because of hormonal fluctuations. If these "down" periods are periodic, they should usually be preceded by some upsetting event, ie failing an exam or breakingup with a boyfriend. This is called situational depression. If these "down" periods extend over weeks and months, you could be facing clinical depression preceded by situational depression. This needs to be attended to by a psychiatrist, psychologist or psychotherapist/psychoanalyst. (Forgive me if this is a little tedious). Drug therapy is not necessarily the answer. Take advantage of your school counselor. He/She's sole job is to help you help yourself.

I am not a religious person. My mother was born and raised Buddhist (she is from asia) and my father is agnostic. I do not really feel comfortable praying or "turning to God." And I know a lot of teeenagers who feel the same way.

Behavioristically, there are several exercises that you can do to alleviate some of the depression you feel. Talking through these problems can help...also, keep a journal and writing down whatever you feel. I like to keep mine on a zip disk because I can't stand writing! Creative outlets are also very important...painting, writing/poetry, etc. are good outlets.

I know it sounds cheesy, but also positive daily affirmations work very well. (ha ha, you can shut up now! šŸ˜‰

Feel free to email me, if ya like. I know I sure f***ed up my life, so I can really talk from experience. (see the friggin' substance abuse post. ack.) [email protected]

I know especially when you're a senior in HS you can't really take a break from your studies...pressure is on to apply to colleges and get in to good Universities and everyone around you is like, "look I got accepted to Yale/Stanford/Georgia Tech" and you feel like, "what does this all matter? Who cares?" or as Albert Camus said, "Given that we are all going to die, it obviously doesn't matter how or when." (ha ha). But keep your eyes on the prize...and stay away from drugs. Really. It can totally destroy your life.

Good Luck. Chill and relax...life is about the trip, not the destination. Take advantage of the experiences life throws at you. I had to learn to be alone, and now I like it...and if you don't fall down the wrong path, you'll be a better person for all this crap in the end. (I mean, if HS is the highlight of your life, you've got a pretty damn crappy life, doncha?)

Cici šŸ™‚

October 6, 1999
1:29 pm
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Anonymous
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well said cici and SO GLAD YOU ARE ATTENDING NA! NO IN PATIENT?? Whatever it takes hon, im behind ya!
Just remember that YOUR life is most important, do WHATEVER it takes to take the stress off. Blessings

October 7, 1999
10:42 am
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Cici
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No inpatient, Tears. My parents are puttin gme on lockdown, ha ha ha. I guess they're just cutting costs, making their own inpatient clinic. I actually found out that my dad used to be a drug therapy counselor in the Navy...and he was a severe alocholic, so he really understands what I'm going through. Suddenly, my family is reaching out to me. I think this is what I needed. Not some hospital program, just the love and support of my family.

My boyfriend told me he would go to NA meetings with me, which made me feel very supported. I was kinda shy to go there just by myself. Oh, well.

Anyways, Niki, see all that I wrote up there? Avoid it. Really. Drinking is fine in moderation (when you're legal!)...I mean, whenyou think about it, so is smoking I guess...but really all drugs are bad. They tend to make you feel asa though everything is ok when really it's all falling apart. So just say no. I mean it.

Cici šŸ™‚

October 9, 1999
7:33 am
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Wilhelm
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Hi Nikihisch,
I can understand you so well. Please, don't give up.
I know what I'm talking about. When I was a teenager,
I also had a very hard time. Now I'm 34 and feeling
quite o.k. I had aany problems in school, with my parents etc. I think the older you get the easier life will become for you.

October 9, 1999
11:53 am
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Anonymous
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Great cici! Hang in there NIk!

October 11, 1999
9:57 am
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cabin
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Tears, you have given me an idea for my own teen daughter. Writing out her feelings on the computer! She hates to write, but, this might work. At least she will have expressed herself. She won't talk to me and I am afraid to pressure her. I was suicidal as a teen and don't want to give her any ideas! She has NO girl friends! I don't understand this. Her boyfriend is her only friend, much to my dismay. I guess things have changed since I was her age....

Please, Tears, be good to yourself. I love you.

October 11, 1999
11:40 am
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Anonymous
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When a teen girl has no girlfriends, dependent on one boyfriend and angry and resentful as yours is, SHE IS CRYING OUT FOR LOVE AND DOING IT THE WRONG WAY.
SHE SOUNDS CODEPENDENT OR WILL BECOME. SHE IS ALSO SETTING HERSELF UP FOR A VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP. SHE NEEDS ALL YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT AND COMMUNICATION. A SCHOOL COUNSELLOR WOULD BE GOOD AS WELL AS A FRIEND IN YOU MOM . blessings I was her once.

October 11, 1999
8:38 pm
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nikihish
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thanks again for the replys. i realy apreciate knowing there is someone out there who wants to listen, and i am not forcing them to. that is what it feels like everytime i try to tell someone something, it feels as if they don't care just that they are listening because they have to. i used to smoke and drink but stopped at the beginning of the year. i stopped drinking due to the wreck a friend i was with had. i think that is when i realized that there was a reason for me to be here. i should have died in that wreck and believed i would have unless i had a reason to be here. i came to peace within myself and things looked up for me until the last few months, that is when i got back into this stage. this weekend at work i cried during my whole lunck break. i have my ups and downs lately. when i am really tired i feel great, deliorously great, when i am awake i am sad and want to be left alone. well i have to go i hear my mom coming to make sure i'm alright. thnx again

October 17, 1999
11:34 pm
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hope-c
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Hi Nikihish - I am so sad for you. I can also remember feeling very lonely and suicidal as a teen. I am now a mother of three and have a wonderful husband. If my loneliness would've won, and I did go through with suicide I would have NEVER seen the smiles of my children the love of my husband or known some of the wonderful people that NOW fill my life. I know it is sometimes hard, but the journey is what you make of it. Keep reaching out - I know that there are hands waiting to reach back ESPECIALY GODS. God Bless you.

November 5, 1999
5:33 pm
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Helen
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Hello Nikihish, I'm 17 and feel lonely and depressed most of the time. I am such a recluse, I never go out or do anything, I never meet anyone because I am afraid of what they might think of me, whenever someone says anything to me I either over-react or don't react at all which drives everyone away. I feel so lonely sometimes and I cry all the time. Reading your comments I just started crying. I don't understand myself or others and feel like I don't belong anywhere. I could go on and on like this for ever. I suppose what I'm trying to say is I feel the same, I have thought about killing myself when I'd get so depressed and consumed by my tears. I don't really have anything else to offer but sympathy because I know how things can seem so beyond your control sometimes. You seem like a very special person, I have also found work such a burden and have just wanted to let it all go. One thing that really does help is what Cici said about finding a creative outlet. Something that you can become completely dissolved that will rub away your unhappiness like a type of therapy. I love nature and I especially enjoy drwing or painting - trust me it really does help.

November 11, 1999
7:49 am
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hazza
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hi nik, helen and others
I am so sorry you feel so bad right now but things will get better, i promise.
Teenage years are difficult, of course you cry all the time, that is your job as a teenager! Seriously though, dont worry about crying, it is a way the body has of releasing hormones, it happens for a purpose, so let the tears out and when they are gone, get off that bed and do something you enjoy, even if you don't feel like it, Like helen said do some painting of writing
Take care
Hazza

November 16, 1999
8:59 pm
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mnms
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just wanted to say that a lot of people understand what you are going through... and it is okay to hurt and to cry. God loves u.
"This too will pass."

mnms

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