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Am I losing her?
October 13, 2000
1:52 pm
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jby
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We were to gether for almost a year be fore we married. When we married she was 17. I was 22. She was also pregnant (with Tyson). She got pregnant again (with Kristofer) when Tyson was only about 7-8 months old. I am now 27 and she is 22. We have been faithful and had everything that anyone could hope for in a marriage. At least that was what I thought. Seems she no longer knows if I'm the one. She has a feeling inside that she can't explain. She doesn't understand when I tell her that I just can feel in inside of me and know that she is the one for me. She tells me that I have done nothing wrong, that I have been the "perfect" husband. If I have been so perfect why doesn't she feel the same as I do. I just don't know what to do. She doesn't have any urges to date or be with other men. She says that she doesn't love me any less, just that she just doesn't "feel" it for me.She has been going out with friends till extremeley late(2-4am) once I get home from work. I only see her for about 3 hours a day now. I'm so afraid that I am going to lose her, but i feel that she has to have this freedom in order to survive. I have always encouraged her to go out and do what ever she wants. I have never told her she couldn't do anything that she wanted to do. I just love her from the bottom of my soul and I don't know what else I can do, except wait. The waiting part is killing me. I'm going to include several emails that I have had with a friend. I'm sorry if some of them overlap and discuss the same thing, It will just be easier for me to do it this way instead of going thorugh them and picking out the major points.

Email #1:

Well, I have finally brought myself to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do to
change what is going to happen. No matter what that may be. All I can do
is not mope and wear a frown, as that will only make things worse. I have
also realized that she hasn't gone anywhere, and she doesn't want to go
anywhere. She doesn't love me any less, she just doesn't know if I'm the
one. You're exactly right, she hasn't had the experience yet. I just don't
know how she could gain this experience. I at least understand that now.
Although it doesn't make it any easier on me. It will make it easier on her
if I can pull myself together, because when I break down she blames herself
and it only makes her feel worse. All I can do is be there for her in
whatever way she needs me to be. Be it a friend or husband. I'd take either
one gladly and just relish in the feeling of being close to her in one way
or the other. It took a while to put the selfish feelings I had that I was
losing her. When in reality, it was a lost cause, because in fact she as
that person was already gone, I just didn't realize it yet....

Email #2

This morning I did the stupidest thing that I could have. Last night she went for a drive and when she came back I could smell smoke. She said, yeah I bought some cigarettes, they seem to help relieve the stress. Well, you know what I did this morning? I found them in her coat and I broke them all in half and threw them away. I hate them. But, did it make me feel better? No. I only felt worse, because she is 22 and me breaking them isn't going to stop her from doing it. As soon as I did it I new that I had gone too far. I had broken into her space. I feel like such an idiot. I can't change the fact that she smokes sometimes. No matter how strongly I feel about it. Damn it! Lynda, I honestly don't know how long I can go on like this. I want what is best for her no matter what, but I can't go on living for something that will never be there. How long will it take for her to realize what it is she needs? I don't think anyone has that answer, and that is what is so hard. I cried all the way to work. I'm falling apart, Lynda. Breaking at the seams. I know what I am supposed to do. Suck it up. Hang in there. Be there for her. But what about me? How can I do all of that stuff when I can't get over the feeling that I'm losing the best thing that could ever and will ever happen to me. There is a part of me that is clinging onto that, and will not let it go. No matter how hard I try, or tell myself is is the best thing for her. "If you love something set it free. It will come back to you if it was meant to be." FUCK! I'm too scared to find out if it was meant to be. I couldn't find anything else better than her. I know that. I can feel that. It just kills me that she doesn't feel the same. I do know that I could not be in a marriage with her if she doesn't feel that way towards me. No matter how much I want to be together, I would not do that to her. I know that all I would have to do is ask her to just put all those feelings aside and to please devote herself to me and the kids. She would do it. She has said as much. But inside I know that it wouldn't be right. I just don't know how long I can hold out. That is what is the hardest part. A month? A year? How long is this going to take? I can't live in that house for a year and feel this way. I couldn't make it. No matter how much I tell myself that I can wait forever for her. I know that I couldn't live in that environment. Knowing that she doesn't feel it. I am afraid to tell her this because I'm afraid that she will either try to put these feelings aside just so that I'm not hurting anymore, or that I will have to move out. I just don't know what to do. I'm free falling with no landing in sight. Yes, some days are better than others, but most days just plain suck shit. I'm tired of pretending to the whole world that everything is ok. Everything is good. Everything is fine. Fucking bullshit. I'm a freaking train wreck waiting to happen. I'll just keep chugging along through this dark and bleak tunnel, waiting to reach the light at the end...

Thanks for listening.

JBY

October 13, 2000
3:49 pm
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giveup
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Do you really wants what is best for her or do you want her to want whats best for you. Do you stand by her or tell her where to stand. She was a teenager thrown into adulthood. She is missing a whole part of her life and this can be harmful to marriages. Learn to grow with her. Take weekends away with just the two of you. Have a date night every weekend. Learn to let her be her own adult person - if she smokes - let her make that decision. Because the more you try to control and throw childish fits by breaking cigarettes and throwing them away the MORE she will hide a pull away from her. You have to realize it's not about you right now and maybe not for a while

October 13, 2000
7:30 pm
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Molly
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Marriage is a rollercoaster, like two boats trying to float side by side in rough seas. She was young, but made a committment to you and the children, she is a mother, and a wife, but that is not the end of life that she may be feeling. I would seek counseling, get involved with a church that supports committment, go to seminars together, and keep the faith.

October 17, 2000
8:27 am
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hazza
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well I think youa re a total sweetie!
obviously your wife is needing to have some fun, she is young and married with kids, that can be a big culture shock at that age, and you seemto udnerstand that.
but as you know, all you can do if you love her that much is to wait and see.
concentrate on yourself and your friendships and try to invite her out with you also and do your best to weather the storm.
there may come a time when you decided enough is enough and want a break from it yourself, that is your decision, but I think all people need to have that wild teenage years and if you are thrown into adulthood to early, sometimes you miss out and end up doing it later!
just decided yourself how much waiting you can do before it starts to affect you TOO much. after all this is YOUR life also, maybe a seperation would hlep your wife focus on what it is that is REALLY important to her? part of growing up I guess is realising that we cannot have it ALL, there are always compromises to make, this is what she has yet to learn,
Peace
Hazza

October 26, 2000
12:32 pm
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humbrol2
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i know where you are coming from,, i too face the same situation,, she says she still loves me and wants to be with my but things seem different,, when we met she was a stripper and she quit soon afterwards,, now she is a online stripper and thinking about going back to stripping again even though she knows it kills me. her reasoning is it makes her happy and makes her money so why should she stop doing it? am i hypocritical to try to get her to stop or am i pushing her away? i work 6am to 5pm and only get to spend a few hours with her a night,, if she ever is late or not home its ok,, if its me, all of a sudden its where was i,, why didnt i leave a note,, etc etc,, what should i do?\

October 26, 2000
2:54 pm
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jcl
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I was married at 17 and I know how it feels. I went through that phase of going out and having fun. It didn't last long though. I grew tired of the scene and decided I wanted to be a mom. So don't give up it won't last forever. However you should never be afraid to say what is on your mind. If she makes a decision based on your concerns that was her choice to do it. You had nothing to do with that decision. Look at it this way she can listen to how you feel and if she can decide to continue doing what she wants or do what you need. So you see she has a choice in the matter, you never forced her to do anything she didn't want to do. It will help you feel better to speak out. If you don't you will resent her in the end.

think about it

October 26, 2000
11:28 pm
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Brenda
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I think she wants her cake and eat it too.

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