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am I jealous or insecure?
February 19, 2007
8:31 am
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mousey
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Hi everybody,
I really need help with this one. We ( my husband & I) have very good friends ( a couple ) that we've know for about 15 years. Maybe about seven years ago on Valentine's day my husband bought his wife a flower and her husband bought me a small box of candy. So for two or three years that continued. Her husband stoped about four years ago but my husband continued. I just assumed that her husband either realized or felt that it was inapropriate which I agree with, especially if only one husband continues. Now my husband has always said how much he "loves" my girlfriend. She's pretty, she's funny, never leaves the house without her hair and makeup perfect and would never wear flats or sneakers. Her husband has nicknamed her miss ny style. She's everything my husband would love me to be. I dress up but when it's apropriate. I don't necessarily need to wear high heal boots to the supermarket.
Well, this year at Valentine's day he bought me a dozen carnations and we were going out for dinner. We get ready to leave and he tells me that on our way to the restaurant we need to stop at our friends house so he can give my girlfriend her flower. Now I felt so bad. He's taking his wife out for dinner but needs to stop and give another woman a flower. I told him I thought that the other three parties involved were uncomfortable with this and he shouldn't do it. He says to me that my girlfriend will be very upset because he buys her something every year. I responded she'll get over it. So Sat night comes along and we go to this Valentin's dinner dance with this couple and we picked them up and my girlfriend make mention as to how disappointed she was that my husband "forgot" her this year and my husband says talk to your girlfriend. Later, in private, I told her that he had one but I told him it was inapropriate that my husband give her a flower on Valentine's day, that it sends a message that her husband might be uncomfortable with. She said well even if he didn't give it to her at least he remembered her and that her husband is fine with it. We're at a table with four other friends and of cource she tell everybody that she always gets a flower for Valentin's day but this year my husband forgot so my husband says I'll go buy you one tomorrow because I don't want you to be disappointed. When he sat down I told him to nock it off and that I was sorry I was not her and that I know he has secretly loved her for a long time. I know it true because sometimes when she calls my house and he answers the phone he'll talk to her for 10-15 minutes and then hang up. I'll ask him who called and he'll tell me and I'll ask him why he didn't give me the phone and he'll say I spoke to her. She just wanted to say hi. I've hardly spoken to him since. I need for the anger to subside before I say the wrong thing. None of our other male friends give flowers to another female even though they've been friends for a long time. We've been married for thirty one years and it hasn't been perfect. No marriage is but I thought we were at least ok. I guess I should have put a stop to it several years ago but I thought he would get the hint we my girlfriends husband stopped.

February 19, 2007
8:53 am
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sunbikesail
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I am sorry that your feelings have been hurt, it is very hard sometimes in a relationship to decide what things mean, what is right and what is wrong. I read into this that all 4 of you have been friends and have been socializing for many years. If I were you, I would take the focus off wondering about your husbands motives (and your friends') and look at what is hurting so badly. Is it possible that it hurts because you let your husband know you are uncomfortable, and now feel less valued because he gave her a flower anyway? Look at it this way - when you asked him to not give her a flower on Valentines he respected your feelings. Your girlfriend embarrassed him in front of a large group of people, forcing him to either apolgize or make a fool out of her in front of others. It seems to me that your husband took the route of preserving friendship and trying to please everyone, not that he insisted on giving her a flower because of his unrequited feelings. Remember, he did respect your opinion on Valentines Day.

Instead of allowing your anger to guide you (and it sounds like you are trying to resist), Give your husband a safe place to land. Tell him that you would have been uncomfortable being called to the carpet in front of a group like that and that you would have done the sme thing to avoid hurting anyone's feelings. Tell him how good it made you feel on Valentine's Day when he respected your wishes. See if making things safe instead of controversial, improves your partnership.

I know that my husband responds really well when he thinks I am trying to be his partner, even when he messes up. When I get upset, angry and accusatory, it never moves us forward.

February 19, 2007
10:04 am
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CAMER
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are you and the "girlfriend" really good friends?? and have you tt her about how you feel with your hubby??

Being friends for say 15 years is a long time, and instead of resenting your hubby and your gal'friend why not tt your frined, and find out if
there are possible motives, maybe she isn't getting along well with her own hubby and likes the attn your
hubby is giving her.

TT both hubby and your friend more and see if you can just keep this at
a friendship level and no more "gifts".

(((camer))

February 19, 2007
10:30 am
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lettingo
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mousey,

I would totally be upset! YOU are not imagining that this is inappropriate. Sorry, I don't want to make things worse but I would be angry too! Your "girlfriend" is not being a true friend by flirting with your husband, and that is what it is, flirting! I don't feel t his is you being insecure. All I know is when I read it I felt angry and would have reacted the same way as you. Giving another women a flower on Valentines Day. Come on that just seems wrong.

February 19, 2007
10:37 am
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mousey
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I assume she definetly likes the attention. Most women would. It's very flattering when another man finds you attractive. She probably never would think that it would bother me because we've been married for thirty one years, have no kids so everyone must think we have a great marriage and most times I believe we do also. Or she could be taking it as a friendship thing. I think, from what I can see that she truly loves her husband. But you might be right about certain factors in both husbands demeanors. Hers is angry and judgemental and mine is calm and quiet so maybe she wishes her husband had some of mine's qualities. I just keep remembering that he said how disapointed she would be if he didn't give her a flower. It hurt that his first reation was her disapointment instead of my discomfort. But knowing my husband he probably think I'm totally overreacting. I don't know maybe I am.

February 19, 2007
10:51 am
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mousey
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Thanks lettingo. I guess I just needed someone to tell me that my initial reaction and feelings were correct. I've know for a long time that he feels a special connection to my girlfriend. I knew it was attraction and I can deal with that. I'm human also and have been attracted to other men. But it seems to be bothering me now and I don't know if it's because I'm going thru menopause and I'm more sensitive than normal or if I've finally had enough of the situation. I think the thing that fueled the fire was that his first response was that she was going to be disappointed. What about me.

February 19, 2007
11:10 am
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lettingo
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mousey,

It is FREAKIN VALENTINES DAY. That is for that special someone in your life be it your wife, lover, mother, child. And yes, she would be dissapointed is almost creepy. What is wrong with those two? It's not appropriate. She HAS A HUSBAND. The whole thing just sounds so strange to me but hey, maybe I'm crazy and insecure...

February 19, 2007
11:51 am
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mousey
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Lettingo
You're not crazy & insecure. You're right it is creepy, strange & very sad. Which makes it worse that I'm in the middle of it. But thanks again for your honesty. I really needed it. I wanted the truth and not someone to tap dance around the situation. And I know its freakin valentines day ( for lovers ) but apparently others don't see it the same way or maybe I'm just being a little blind.

February 19, 2007
1:18 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I am not sure I like the idea of a friend who can be so impolite as to mention in public that she didnt' get a flower from YOUR husband. Sound like she's the insecure one and needs to be snotty and rude to show how 'popular' she is. It might be time to spend less time with this woman. does your husband insist on socializing with them?

February 19, 2007
2:44 pm
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mousey
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Hi Tiger Trainer,
The problem is that we are all part of a large group of friends who have been together for 15 years. We all met thru boating and some of us are closer to each other than we are to the others. Don't get me wrong I love both of them but as soon as they got into our car on Sat night she brought it up. If someone gave me a flower one year and then didn't the next I might wonder but I would never comment on it. Unfortunately, my husband considers them our "best friends". We are going to Las Vegas with them and another couple next month. Not looking forward to it now.

February 19, 2007
2:46 pm
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doubleloss
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hi mousey. it doesn't seem to me that you're being insecure and jealous for no reason. I think that sunbikesail advice (regarding creating a safe-landing place) for your husband is a very good strategy. I wouldn't go to my friend, as that is an issue that has to be resolved with my husband first. Talk about it openly, no accusations, perhaps consider some marriage counseling to find out what is happening w/your husband and in your relationship. Is there emotional disconnect? physical? what does he get out that? and beware of your friend....sorry, i say that out of my own experience, my fxh and were best friends with a couple for about 15 years too, and when we announced we were splitting they stopped talking to me, took him under their wing and started introducing him to women....and I thought we were friends.
maybe sometime it would be good (after you've talked things thoroughly w/ your husband) to let your friend know that her behaviour is not OK. Period.
Good luck! you know, it might be nothing, BUT it's not good to ignore those alarm bells that go off inside us.

February 25, 2007
8:18 pm
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atalose
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mousey,

How are things with your husband and your friends?

It sounds like your husband is a kind and caring person whos managed to make your friend feel special one day a year.

I can understand how upset you are with him caring more about her feeling disappointed then your feelings of being hurt.

I'm sure he's saying your making a big deal out of it because he doesn't see it as a big deal at all. Is there any other inapproiate behavior you have noticed between the two of them?

I would sit down and explain to him why it hurt you and how it made you feel that he cared more about disappointing her then your feelings.

I think you and he need to address this before your trip to vegas with them.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 25, 2007
9:11 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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Does your husband know how you feel about the Las Vegas trip. Can you lay some ground rules that will make the trip better for you?

February 28, 2007
10:12 pm
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mousey
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Hi everyone,
Well, I managed to discuss this with my husband last week. Unfortunately, he's not the easiest person to talk to. He's a very black & white person. He never believes anyone has ulterior motives. You are right he is very caring and I guess sometimes I forget that. My girlfriends husband was at one point going thru a rough period of not being happy with himself. He was overweight and stopped smoking and was very grouchy. He would raise his voice and talk down th her. Understanably, her feeling would be hurt. So my husband wanted to talk to her husband but I told him to stay out of it. She's the one who needs to talk to him not my husband. Anyway,he didn't but I think he feels sorry that she's being treated that way and so do I but it's not for us to straighten that out. So, basicly I asked him if he had feelings for her. He said no, just as a good friend. I love my husband and I would be devistated if we lost each other but I am also wise enough to know that you can't hold on to something that you've already lost. I told him that his reaction about not giving her the flower hurt me and he said he never thought that it would because we know how we feel about each other. Again, black & white. As far as any other inappropriate behavior is concerned I'm not sure if I'm being oversensitive. I know sometimes when she calls and he answers the phone ( usually when I'm busy doing housework) he'll talk to her for a few minutes and then hang up. When I ask what she wanted he'll say just to say hello and since you were busy I talked to her. The good thing is another couple is comming with us to Vegas so it won't be as uncomfortable for me as if it was just the four of us. I guess I'll see if things seem different when we're there. I hope what I've said is clear because I feel like I ran all over the place with this one.
Thanks for caring and all your help. I'll keep you posted.

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