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Am I gone too far...
May 17, 2001
9:26 pm
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tramacc
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Have I passed the point where I'm strong young and healthily crazy, to the point where I'm seriously looking at depression, alcoholism, or anxiety attacks?

It's tough to say where to start. I'm now a 28-year old single male. About 6 months ago I bough my first house. An old roommate from college moved in with me. I wonder if living with someone for the first time in over 3 years has added extra stress, let alone owning my own place.

My roommate likes different type alcohols than I, so we have a lot more here than I've had ever. So I drink almost every day. I get good and tipsy once a week, and once a month I'm down right drunk.

I'm bored in my job. I took a different role about a year and a half ago, and I am regretting it now. I'm bored, and feel to be losing my edge. I'm not using my technical abilities, and spend my time dealing with people who really have no clue. It's tedious, and I don't have a project I work on, rather I deal with a steam confused users.

In addition, many of my friends I used to work with now work in different buildings from me, so I rarely see them.

And one of these friends may be my biggest problem of all. She might be my favorite person ever, and I admit I probably am in love with her, not romantically. (She is gay, so there is no obvious romantic link here.) She thinks I am wonderful. However she is having major psychological issues along with alcoholism. She goes through weeks where she is a joy to work with, and the next she is on the brink of alienating everyone!

I worry about her a lot, and in the last week I have arrived home in a near panic worrying about her, twice. I was seriously twitching, and ended up drinking both times. Heavily. I can't talk to her about my issues, because she is way screwed up. I just worry about her, more than I worry about me.

An I just under too much stress? Or should I seek help? I'm drinking too much, experiencing anxiety attacks, have had thoughts of suicide. I've had a hard time convincing myself to go to work recently. I woke up this morning thinking of spending the day high. Over the last few months, I've been more curious about addiction. I can't explain it. Any comments?

May 17, 2001
10:59 pm
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Molly
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Drinking only postpones the problems and the issues and weakens the persons ability to handle what they should have handled before getting drunk. I suggest that you see an MD there are meds that will help you to abstain, and controll your anxiety, you need to take action before it is so far gone that you cant regain controll, consider a meeting of AA, before or after you go to the doctor, If you can't handle owning the house sell it before you loose it, and for goodness sake ditching work is not like ditching school, Get your self together, or release that which is causing stress, obviously you don't want to deal with your own issues, and so its easier to focus on the friend, please do your self a favor and seek the physical and mental health assistance that you appear to need.

May 17, 2001
11:17 pm
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malaikau
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Dear Tramacc,

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of stress, and feeling like you have lots of issues to work through and cope with. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders when it comes to assessing yourself--what your problems are, and what you need to do about them.

If your gut is telling you that you need professional help and/or support from a counselor or someone else, then it might be a good idea to listen. We all know ourselves better than anyone else, though sometimes that might seem hard to believe. If you are feeling like you have a problem with alcohol, then you probably do. If you think living with a roommate and buying a house are causing you stress, they probably are!!

It sounds like you and your friend (the woman) can be a good support to each other most of the time. But it's hard to save a drowning person if you (or she) are going down for the last time yourself! Once you can both stay safely afloat, perhaps you can help one another get safely to shore. Until then, take care of yourself first, and offer her what you can with the strength you have left! You deserve to live a life free from chronic stress and anxiety! I hope you are able to find some of the help and support you need in here.

Hang in there!!!

Your friend,

Mal

May 18, 2001
11:48 pm
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tramacc
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Thank you for your responses. Last night I wasn't in the best place. Today things are better, but I think it is cyclical. I have been up and down in general mood for a long time, but the last 4 months or so have been worse, shorter times of being relatively happy and more times of being cynical and down.

I admit that I live for my work sometimes. I don't have a family here, and most of the people I spend time with a met through work. But work right now is not giving me that sense of purpose. For most all of my professional career, I have worked on projects where there was a definite goal, 3, 6 or 12 months down the line. Since this current position started I haven't had that. But I did spend 6 months last year shopping for a house, so this may be the first time ever that I really haven't had that target in front of me. The only major project I have now is the house, I've got lots of things to do, from some fixing up to decorating. But when it comes to the weekend I kill time watching TV or goofing off on the computer until I feel its time to start relaxing. But I can't really let myself relax, knowing I have so much to do (with the house). I make myself feel guilty. The difference between the house and my work projects is that there is no timeline, no goal, so I procrastinate on everything.

But yesterday was the 2nd (almost the 3rd) time in less than a week that I was freaked out or "stressed out" over my friend. She usually adds some stress, but these two times I was worried about her immediate safety. I didn't have all the information, and I shouldn't have freaked either time. But when I was in the midst of the stress, when I didn't know where she was or what was going on, I really felt myself losing control. I was seriously worried about driving home from work yesterday, and I was a little more dangerous than usual. I was near the point of tears (one time at work) both times. My hands were shaking and I really couldn't be around people. And I finished the episodes with alcohol, but fortunately last night I was never really drunk.

This happening twice in a week (and never anything that powerful before, or in recent memory) is what has made me seriously question what is going on in my head. What is it? anxiety or panic attacks? something else? I do wonder about the connection with the alcohol.
Again, thank you both for your responses. Being a male, I tend to go to the doctor if my arm has fallen off or something important like that. Seeing someone because I'm having issues with stress or depression is a foriegn concept, I'm getting up the nerve to tell myself that I need to do it. Finding this message board and being able to come here last night and talk was helpful, and I'll be visiting this place often.

May 20, 2001
3:12 pm
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shugarmagnolya
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I understand your situation and have been there myself, even now. It is time to get help. I have gone on for three years now like this and it only gets worse. I am a female and find myself acting the same way, having way too much pride to go and get help but you have to. I am starting now but find that i am so busy, working and going to school fulltime that i do not have an easy schedule to see a therapist. So it is hard to have all of these feelings and only be able to see a therapist every two weeks. They have been trying different medications for me now. I am on Neurontin to steady my moods. I guess they think im bipolar. It is hard for me because i've had this idea that bipolar people are completely wacked and I just seem like an everyday normal person. But in reality, my issues run deep and i do need help. I worry about everything...friends, hurting peoples feelings, people not liking me, keeping a pair of sunglasses that I find at school (im afraid of bad karma!), even little silly stuff that shouldnt matter. I've always had problems with depression but my cycles have gotten worse, where little things set me off and my highs and lows increase to about 20 times a day. I have a bachelors and I decided to go back to school for a certificate in graphic design/multimedia and when your this depressed it is so hard to come up with creative ideas. I find my mind slowing down and have a hard time remembering things. I am sticking with this medical billing, monotonous job because i feel like nobody will hire me like this. None of my friends believe me when i am telling them I am hurting, they say i am the happiest person that they know. But i am hurting really bad right now, and yes, sometimes i will drown myself in alcohol too. I used xtc a few weeks ago and it bothered me cause im so anxious that I also freaked out on that. I was mad that I couldnt use recreational drugs anymore(i really do not use that often(once in ablue moon realy), i just wanted something that would make me feel good again). I feel like I lost sense of reality at times. what is important and what is not. Anyways, the reason i am telling you this is just to let you know that others go through the same thing and it all leads to one place. Go get help! Even if you feel better one day, you will feel worse at another time. This is not the depression talking either, this is a fact. I wish you well, and im sure that as soon as you talk to someone, youll feel a zillion times better just knowing that you are on your way.

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