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am I dealing with this or denying it? (balancesekr)
October 7, 2004
11:08 pm
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balancesekr
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Hi Everyone! I have been off the board for awhile.

Does this sound like I am dealing with my feelings and letting go, or still holding on...

I just moved recently and I uncovered so many things that made me think of my ex (recap, I was engaged, broke the engagement, my ex is a singer, works weeknight, weekends, still lives at home and is in his mid thirties, had lots of ex girlfriends around because he has lived in the same area his whole life, but he got me a ring and this brought many questions up into my mind and I broke it off, we said we were taking a break and we haven't spoken for almost 2 months now. We split up twice, I broke it off both times and yet here I am waiting for him to call! What is wrong with me??

I have been feeling the loss, thinking that maybe I didn't focus enough on the good with us? I have been seeing a new guy and I feel like I am kind of easy going with this guy and I wonder... am I different? Was I a pain in the butt with my ex and expecting too much and not spending enough time pursuing my own life???

So I have told the new guy that I am still processing the break up. I feel guilty hanging out with someone new. He is 8 years younger than me too.

Part of me wonders, am I setting the stage up for another disaster, should I be alone for a while longer, should I call the ex up and tell him I miss him, because I do miss certain things. Am I denying I have codep issues?

Any thoughts? Thanks 🙂

October 7, 2004
11:26 pm
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hi balance!

Wow, you moved? Did miss I that before? I have a mind like a sieve lately. Anyway, you've been through a lot of change in a short amount of time, no? This might make you feel a little overwhelmed, but it shouldn't make you feel unworthy of happiness. If you are enjoying the time you spend with this guy, please don't deny yourself that- especially since you've now been open with him about your feelings regarding the break up. You're not denying your coda issues, you talk about them and deal with them all the time here! You're aware of them, right?

It must happen often- people moving on with their lives after a painful experience- they don't always wait a decade to have new experiences! It happens the way it happens, the natural order of things. If you had said in your earlier threads "I can't stand being with out my ex- so I have to run out and replace him with another man- " that would have been different. You just happened to meet this guy right? It doesn't strike me as a case of someone not wanting to be alone for five minutes, just someone young and social and open to meeting new people. That is healthy.

And it's okay to think about the ex. You loved him, now he's gone. We all have that secret wish that we'll get that magic phone call where all will be forgiven, forgotten and everything will feel better.

good to see your name, you do sound good, even if you have all those doubts and questions.

-warm wishes
-ella

October 7, 2004
11:35 pm
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balancesekr
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Hi Ella,
Yes, lots of change lately... and then I beat myself up for that too! I think, boy you can't just leave things alone can you!

I am really upset with what went down with my past relationship. I just don't get it! Why don't I understand that I wasn't happy? Why do I want to go back? Why do I think things would be different or if only I behaved the way I am behaving now?

I just feel like my ex and I had this connection... what's interesting is with this new guy I am going slow and not looking to him for so much attention to fill me up and make me feel valid... but I did that with my ex and that's probably why I feel so bad that it didn't work, I blame myself.

I am getting involved with a young guy who I will fall in love with and then I will want to marry him and he won't want to with me. I feel like any relationship I get into here on out I will be thinking, will he want to marry me???? I guess I don't want to waste anymore time.

October 7, 2004
11:58 pm
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Wedding possibilities aside, look at this relationship for what it is at the moment. Not to say that you should throw caution to the wind and not worry about how things could turn out for you in the future, but let's just say at least consider it outside your control- no matter how good the prospects seem.

Of course coda relationships have that magnetic pull like no other- with all the drama inherent in them- they'd have to or you wouldn't be there more than five minutes. So, no matter the faults of your earlier relationship, you're gonna miss the guy. Besides the fact that you loved him, there ARE wierd dynamics in coda relationships that make them feel like they are filling a hole. But read what you wrote- you don't need this new guy to complete you. And believe me, "Jerry McGuire" did not do the world of relationships a favor by romanticising that statement. If you can stand on your own and not feel like you are gonna come to pieces without this new guy- that is a GOOD thing. It means when you enjoy him, you are enjoying him for himself and the time you have together- not for what he can do for you.

If you decide you don't want to be with this guy so be it. For now consider this the "giving him a chance period." That's okay. Coda's are used to forming bonds intensely and quickly I think. Maybe it's better that feelings grow slowly as you get to know someone, instead of erupting like a volcanoe and overwhelming us.

you're doing great-
keep posting...i missed seeing you here!
-ella

October 8, 2004
9:17 am
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balancesekr
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Good morning Ella,
I just don't want history to repeat itself again. When I got involved with my last ex, I wasn't really ready for another relationship, wasn't over the last one... so I am in the same position again.

Am I more aware now? Maybe, I am going way slower, or did I go just as slow last time and history is going to repeat again? Is this a CODA relationship with this new guy, how can I tell?

I also don't want to be too distant and slow with this guy and then regret that! Know what I mean? I regret so much of the past with my last ex, it sux.

I had a dream last night about my ex before the one I was engaged to, see I never had closure on that, I still dream about him. I don't want to be a person who just has a string of relationships and that seems to be what I am doing, right?
balance

October 8, 2004
11:05 am
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CAMER
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HI BALANCE, gosh, hate to say this but sounds like you are in denial...and maybe just missing the good parts of your ex...remember, you did break up for a reason, and look at the reasons listed over and over....you could just be feeling very lonely, but you also have to decide....what will change in the relationship if you do go back to your ex??? cuz if nothing changes, then nothing in the relationship will
change.

Keep spending time with this new guy, maybe more on a friendship level and
keep hanging out with friends and family.

the choice is yours & i wish you the very best.
Camer

October 8, 2004
11:37 am
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kathygy
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Balance,

Always remember that a relationship consists of two people. You are not responsible for everything that happened in the realtionship with your ex. You are only responsible for 1/2 of what happened. He is responsible fort he other half. Do not blame yourself for things not working out. The odds are no matter what you did the relationship would still not have worked out. Your ex never had enough time for you, that is not your fault. You did not want too much to want him to be more available to you. Resist the urge to call him. Nothing would be different if you got back together. You still have the same problems.

You said you wonder if you are codependent on this new guy and worry about repeating your history. Ask yourself if you are doing anything different in this relationship. Anything healthier? Do you expect him to fill you up? History doesn't have to repeat itself. We can get healthier with each relationship.

I usually think its a good idea to take some time inbetween relationships before moving on to another one. I think its important to honor the last relationship and give yourself time to grieve. But you are in this situation now with this new guy. See if you can do things differently than you did with your ex. But what's really important is that you are getting your needs met. That you are being treated with love and respect in a consistent manner.

October 8, 2004
11:49 am
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Cici
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it sounds like you're still hung up on the ex - is that the reason you're not being as codep. w/new guy? that's always been my thing. still codep. on old relationship, so new relationship goes all well and good because i'm not freaking out about every little thing...

part of coda recovery, as i understand it, is spending time by yourself, as in, not in the context of a relationship or the beginnings of a new relationship.

the first few months are always good. that's why it's called a honeymoon period. codep. traits surface only after you are comfortable enough with new guy to be real.

October 8, 2004
12:04 pm
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Zinnie
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Hye Balance...

Quick question for you? You only started seeing this new guy right? Yet, you immediately are looking at the marriage possibilities.

Perhaps, only take the relationship day by day as it comes?

What do you think?

Z.

October 8, 2004
4:27 pm
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babysteps
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Balance,

You mentioned you don't want history to repeat itself, so don't let it. Make the conscious choice to take things slow and be cognizant of how you are feeling and of any unhealthy behaviors that may resurface.

Of course you are more aware...maybe not ready to be with someone else, but think of how much you've learned about yourself/ your ex/ your ex-relationship. I think if you are well aware of your past behaviors and how healthy relationships and behaviors play out, I think you can tell if the relationship with the new guy is codependent.

I just met someone last weekend that I like. I am trying to take it super slow and cognitively walk myself through every step and decision I make. I know I still have work to do on my thinking, and this poses a huge challenge for me...but so far so good. My friend said something to me that really hit home last night. She told me to set my expectations high for how I think people should treat me and the healthy ones will reach that bar. That's kinda off track; sorry; I had to throw that one in.

You do what is right for you...I think you saying, "I also don't want to be too distant and slow with this guy and then regret that!" You need to go at your own pace...don't be too concerned with regrets. Does that make sense?

I am here for you...Baby Steps 🙂

October 10, 2004
1:13 pm
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balancesekr
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Wow, I got so many responses... I don't have internet access right now so hence the delayed response from me.

Yes, maybe I am glossing over the past, I just miss his friendship, the good stuff, ya know? Being with someone new just makes me aware of what went wrong in the beginning with the ex... I wasn't ready to be with him, that is why I am afraid right now with the new guy. Also my would have been wedding date is coming up this week 🙁

I am just more aware of the power we each have in a relationship and I am grieving, is it right to be grieving and be with someone new? I have told the new guy about the situation, he understands better now why recently he feels there is a wall between us.

With the marriage possibilites, I want to know why I am getting involved with someone, I think I was engaged to my ex and thinking, do I really want to marry this guy? So I felt silly, was I blind that he worked all the time the 2.5 years we were together? This new guy is younger and lives at home, isn't anywhere near financially stable, this could be a problem, so then I ask myself what are you doing with this guy? What is most important? I feel like I gave up on my ex, didn't believe in him or something, didn't accept him, or is that just a man who doesn't want to change at all?

Thanks everyone for taking the time to support me 🙂 One day at a time, I tell myself like you said Zinnie. I feel this amazing guilt that I am seeing this new guy with conflicting feelings, I hate how hard I am on myself.

Babysteps, I am glad you met someone and I totally hear your friend on the expectations being set higher, the new guy I am with is polite, concerned, thoughtful, attentive... will this change, who knows, but I am not getting in so deep that I get lost... and not going so fast that he thinks he can get away with any kind of behavior.

October 10, 2004
1:39 pm
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Zinnie
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HI Balance,

Again... my two cents, but, probably only worth one...

So, just date the guy and have a good time. There is no law that says you have to be serious with every single person that you date.

After my first husband passed away, I was a young widow (in my mid 20's), and I met a nice man a few months later. He was going through a divorce, and neither of us wanted any kind of true committment aside from at that point in time being sexually exclusive with each other. We saw each other for a few months, and had some good times. He was a nice guy and I think of him fondly always - but, I knew he was not what I would want for the long run.

I also dated other's that were for only one date, or maybe two... some for a bit longer. When I met the man who became my husband, actually he and I were co-workers and became friends. When it turned to a romantic relationship, we just kind of took it as it came and it led to marriage. It was a very comfortable and very natural thing. For me when it happens that way its the best... but there is no rule that says you cannot have a good time until you meet "the one."

Does that make sense?

Also, you wrote: "the new guy I am with is polite, concerned, thoughtful, attentive... will this change, who knows" - I have now been married to my husband for 14 1/2 years, and he is STILL polite, concerned, thoughtful and attentive. That does not always change, if that is the true person they are.

Z.

October 11, 2004
11:31 pm
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balancesekr
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Hi Zinnie,
I am trying to date this guy and have a good time, but he is starting to have feelings for me and I know I am holding back BIG time, I am still grieving and in love with my ex... so I feel it's wrong hanging with this new guy. I didn't call him at all today, he called me twice. My would be wedding day just past and I am really upset about it.

I totally agree with meeting someone, getting to know them as a friend and then when it turns romantic, they already really know who you are. I feel with this new guy I have blown it, we started off friendly, were getting to know each other but then started kissing... I feel the urge to back it off because I AM NOT READY FOR THIS! So, I don't know if we can "be friends" now.

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