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Am I crazy???
December 14, 2003
6:52 am
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Hermione
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Yes, Life is feeling very clear to me at the moment - I think taking the step to prepare myself to meet my husband head on - so to speak - has actually empowered me - I am feeling good about myself - that all the stuff he tried to put onto me has just fallen away - so here I am feeling centred and able to see all the mechanics for what they are and it may not stop me from loving him but it is enough to stop me from craving old unhealthy patterns, for craving a life with him that only ever existed in my fantasy of what our lives should or could be - rather than what they actually were. The man I met last night represents for me a new path - not one that leads to anything in particular but simply one of many paths that can offer me opportunities to learn - I have changed - I am no longer looking to what could be - I am looking at what is happening now - I am feeling the most patient I have ever felt - for once - just happy to have met a potential friend - a person to get to know - I am wary of my attraction to this man - I could be rebounding or putting my feelings for my husband onto him - but it doesn't matter either way as I have all the time in the World to work it all out - for now I am just enjoying the afterglow of having had a wonderful evening free of stress, confusion, etc.etc.
I feel gorgeous, talented, and sort of warm and fuzzy inside - definitely not crazy!!!!!!
H

December 14, 2003
12:41 pm
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Ladeska
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Nope, not even remotely close to crazy. Quite centered. Very proud of you. You got your bonnet on quite squarely, yes you do, mate. And like I say sometimes.......you just use time to your advantage. Don't rush anything, sit back and examine things as you go. Put a bit in your emotional self. Allow it to romp somewhat but - your brain controls it now, more than it did before. You have information under your belt, you have tools and.....you've found yourself and learning to love her and take good care of her. So glad you had this night out for more reasons than one. For one thing - it just opened the door really wide to you concerning life in general and your absolute place in it. Enjoy! You've earned this!

December 14, 2003
1:04 pm
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unhappy camper
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Hermione
I can't think of much to say to you. I am suffering too. All I can do is hold your hand while we both go through this "test of fire".

Do you smell burning feet? LOL

We have to walk fast so they don't get burned....we have to be wary and watch for traps.

We have to be prepared to say to them: yeah, you claim you love me...but your actions betray you. You really love yourself.

We have to accept that the hurt is the pain of being made love to verbally, but no other way. Just "words". At least, that is how it was with me....after he moved to Canada.

Before that, he was good to me. A combination of the distance between us hiding his sickness for the most part...(I had a tiny display...thought he was quirky)...and the addition of lots of booze while here. He went from man to monster.

Did your ex start off ok...then go bad?

December 15, 2003
7:14 pm
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Bizzie B
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I have been with an emotionally abusive guy for 4 months now. He drives me insane because he is very controlling and manipulative and I am not one to bear with it, but with this guy, I do. I think he is bi-polar or something because he is crazy, but he is so influencial that he is making me believe that I am crazy. All my friends disagree but I still lie in bed questioning my sanity because of this jerk. I need him out, but I can't let go.

December 15, 2003
7:29 pm
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gingerleigh
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Bizzie, why can't you let go? What are you afraid of losing? I'm not asking this to be a smartass... really, examining what you're afraid of giving up can be a powerful fear minimizer. I know when I was so afraid to leave a bad situation, I was paralyzed, and thought I was crazy. I called hotlines, bought books, went to counseling, and I ended up having to do a lot of work unraveling some faulty logic I'd had in my head and heart about myself. But the first big step in unraveling all of that was in articulating my fears. For me, some of those fears were very deep (fear of being abandoned, again!) to the almost comical (fear of having to separate out all of my dishes from his dishes) to just a fear of more work (having to find a new apartment, having to make a whole lot of changes, etc.) With the list, I was able to make plans on how to tackle each one...

What are you afraid of?

December 16, 2003
6:49 am
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Hermione
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I have really taken my night out as a huge lesson - I did some investigating on the guy who I met and it turns out he is engaged and has a baby - he was a really lovely man but again - he was a person presenting himself to be something he was not - I am glad for the lesson and with out my checklist in tow - I could have started getting involved emotionally and then what??? So - he is still a nice man that I have met, that I experienced attraction towards - which proved to me that I will be attracted to other people - if I let myself - and that - it is a big scary world out there so it is important to take time and make sure that a person is who they present themselves to be - finding this out hasn't detracted from the 'glow' - it has deepened my sense of being on the right path.
In response to you camper - my husband is a good man but he really went over the top in the end - I'm sort of over trying to analyse it all - it makes no sense to me and I doubt that it ever will - I have no idea what his actions were trying to gain - other than control - but they have definitely left their mark on my soul - he totally tried to take over my life and its all so confusing because he believed that he was doing what he was doing out of love - but it was making me very sick - I can only appreciate how much now that I am on my own and getting myself back - whilst he is still dealing with 'dramas' - its like he creates them so he can then undo them and go - wow - look at me aren't I good - what a hero!! I love him dearly but I could not risk my own health for the sake of my child and myself. I think he is feeling the same way about himself and his children - we were just incompatible when it all comes down to it - life together was awful and we just kept on blaming external stuff that was going on sort of expecting it to stop at some point rather than realising that life constantly throws us stuff to deal with and if you don't meet it head-on then it just escalates - I was also able to stand back and see that he was generating a lot of the stuff we were dealing with as well - I guess I've just thrown my hands in the air and gone - well what was all that about?? and I expect I will be figuring it out for quite sometime - I can take the lessons I've learned and apply them in my life now ( as I have done just recently) and hope that life will bring me joy - if I am game enough to go looking - inside and out!
H
Bizzie B - my husband tried to convince me and those close to me that I was crazy - I actually took this on and had myself assessed - only to be told that I was as 'normal' as could be - don't buy into it - you know yourself better than anyone and if you need perspective - ask someone whose known you for a long time - and trust what they have to say - goodluck - PS. its not that bad on the other side!
H

December 17, 2003
1:20 am
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Hermione
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Well Ladeska - you were right - he has - after trying to say that it was me who had a problem with seeing him -finally admitted that its him who has a problem with seeing me - I did not think he would subject himself to facing me - as he does not want to accept any responsibility - I have asked him if he can be honest about whether he intends to avoid me inevitably - he has got himself covered until the 5th of Jan - I have offered that he can have a third party present and that I am willing to wait as long as it takes for him to be comfortable - eventually he will realise that he needs to face this - that he has set all this in motion and is now living with the consequences - he can bury his head in the sand all he likes but the fact that I do exist is unquestionable and the fact that I am interested to talk with him face to face is 'out there' - its confrontational to him as on the inside I am sure he is aware of the impact of his actions - and yet I don't even want to discuss this with him - I have one question - and hopefully by asking him my question - he will have to accept that I know this had nothing to do with me and who I am - and it had everything to do with him getting what he wanted - of course he already knows this but on the outside he is behaving the opposite - and to everyone else he is saying the opposite. I guess its just a way to let him know that I know - then I can let it go as it will sit with him and not me.
I know I'm sounding confused again - but I am not - the power has shifted -not between him and me but just within myself - I don't really care if he decides never to confront me - just by letting him know that I am prepared to do this is enough to let him know that I am not trying to dig my way out of a big black hole - that I have my feet planted solidly on firm ground - and I'm just standing here being me.
H

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