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AM I CRAZY TO HOPE AGAIN???
December 4, 2000
11:36 am
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kitkat
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i FEEL KIND OF FUNNY I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A CHAT ROOM . BUT HERE GOES .... IN A NUT SHELL I HAVE BEEN IN CO DEPENDENT UNHEALTHY RELANSHONSHIPS PROBLY ALL OF MY LIFE AT LEAST MOST OF MY 35 YEARS ...MARRIED AT 16 TWO KIDS...ABUSE ...I GOT OUT AT 21 GOT SOBER MET MY SECOND IN PROGRAM AND STRUGGLED IN A VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELANSHONSHIP FOR 7 YEARS DID THE CONSELING ETC. IT ENDED WHEN I WAS 29 AT 30 I MET A MAN WHO WAS 20 AND SET OFF TO RESCUE HIM FROM HIS DYSFUNCTION....WE HAD A WONDRFUL BOY WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT OF HORRIBLE THINGS WE HAVE BOTH PUT EACH OTHER THROUGH ALOT WELL AFTER 5 YEARS OF ULTIMATATUMS OF GETTING HIM TO CONSELING I CALLED IT QUITS MY FRIENDS HAVE ALWAYS EXSPRESSED THAT HE IS JUST A KID AND MADE MANY COMMENTS THAT THEY DO NOT THINK HE IS FOR ME ETC. THE BREAKUP WAS PRETTY AWFUL HE FINNALY HE THE EMOTIONAL BREAK DOWN OF HIS LIFE HE IS NOW IN CONSELING AND SEEMS TO BE DOING IT FOR AL THE RIGHT REASONS MEANWHILE I HAD A RESTRAINING ORDER ON HIM DURING THAT TIME I STARTED TO SEE SOMEE ONE WHILE HE WAS VERY NICE I RELIZED THAT I WAS LOOKING FOR THE INSTANT FIX AND KNOW HE IS NOT THE ANSWER I FEEL BETTER I MADE THE DECISION TO ASK MY MATE TO LEAVE I KNOW IT WAS WHAT WAS NEEDED FOR US TO STOP THE PAIN, HOWEVER I STARTED SEEING HIM AND WE WERE INTIMATE THIS WEEKEND WE TALKED ABOUT ALOT OF THINGS AND I AM NOT HAVING HIM MOVE BACK IN BUT AM I CRAZY FOR EVEN THINKING WE MIGHT SOMEDAY HAVE A FUTURE??? MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN FILLE D WITH UNSUCCESSFUL RELANSHONSHIPS AND I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELANSHONSHIP WITH THIS MAN BUT I WONDER IF IT IS POSSIBLE FOR TWO PEOPLE WHO FUNCTIONED SO UNHEALTHY TO FIND A NEW BEGGINING. I FEEL SO VULNERABLE I DONT WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN.

December 4, 2000
3:28 pm
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kitkat
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December 4, 2000
7:32 pm
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Molly
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I am still trying to answer that question my self. But... It has not been fun, or easy, and I have no idea where it is going to end. I met my guy 12 years ago when I was weak, he was a great distraction it was a time when I needed to heal, and discover who I was, far less take the time to discover who he was. We seperated after 10 years, not the first time, but with the thought of for good, and not unlike your guy, had weekend get togethers, he was in therapy working on his stuff. After 6 months of no change, and he was having his cake and eat it to, I moved several hundered miles away. He continued therapy, and still tried to pull me back through marital counseling, once I caught him lying to me, boldly, I said enough of this bs. There were several months of no contact a flimsy attempt at divorce, and some other manipulation,but I was on my own. It was more than a struggle, but I had peace, freedom, and learned about me, what I want and who I am. He showed up on my door step, and not only looked different, but demonstrated growth, as well as said all the right things, he had now been in counseling and groups, and seminars for almost 2 years. I felt obligated to give it a try. I gave up my job, my new friends, sold all my furniture and moved back filled with hope and promises. In less than 2 weeks I regreted the move. In more weeks I discovered more lies, and false promises. What I had missed in my assessment, is that although he had worked through several issues,modified his behavior, worked through his anger, and rage, we were very different people, with very different life style agendas, morals, values, and both very hard headed. There were so many things to consider, and I only focused on the few issues that stood out in neon. My daughters upon my return immediately disconnected from me, and since then it has gotten worse, they are certain that I am a nut case, which may or may not be true, but their disconnection certainly has not helped my situation. Today, I am frustrated because I put my all into this relationship, employment stability, financial stability, and emotional stability, ( for the most part) and it is clear, that the marriage is troubled, and at times extreamly difficult. I just purchased the relation rescue book, by Phil McGraw which forces you to look at you as your husbands partner, and gives clarity to the situation making you the focus vs focus on your partner. There are some very difficult questions that you must be honest with your self in answering, and don't forget your personal integrity, who are you to the world, and who are you really, are you living authentically in your relationship, or are you setteling for norms, that are not really appropriate, or in partnership with your mate? I was told by many to give it time, to see the what is really going on, but I don't think that I would have gotten to the truth being seperated. I had to try, but to be honost, there have been many weeks, and days that I wished I had not, but maybe I would be wishing I had given it a try if I didn't . At least you can do some work before you give it a foolish go for broke, like I did, with my eyes half open, and for some of the right reasons, but not all the right reasons. Hope this helps, its hard. Good luck.

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