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Am I Codependent? What a mess.
January 21, 2007
4:48 pm
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Antagonist
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Hello everyone,

before I lay my twisted story upon you guys I would like to mention that all the events that have happened to me are no where as bad as some of the stories I have read on here. There are some hard situations that some people have been in and mine is probably childs play comparing to them. However, I have took some serious damage because of what happened to me.

I'll try to summarize it as short as possible.

As far as my age goes, lets just say that mental wise I act a lot older than what my age is. Anyways, I was with this girl for 2 years. As the relationship started everything was pretty smooth and nothing bad ever happened. As time progressed things started to become rocky. There were many situations where I should've just ended the relationship and called it quits. The girl being a year younger than me and somewhat childish I was put into some humiliating situations. But I kept a strong hope thinking since I care about her so much things will change as time passes by.

Fast forward to a year after. There were many situations where she would threaten me with breaking up. In her oppinion, everytime we had a fight I tried to blame her and all she wanted to do was to move on. However, that was not the case. 80% of the situations I would come out to be the one at fault. Get cursed at, yelled at and hung up or just have her back turned on me. All of the sudden one day she just wanted to break up. I accepted the fact and all I asked in return was to please stay out of my life so I can just forget and move on. I don't take break ups very well.

A week later, I catch her at 11:35pm in a dark house with my BESTFRIEND. I will skip on the details on how I managed to pull that off but I had a gut feeling something was going on. So the situation turns messy and thank god I did not get arrested. I tell both of them to go to hell and I will never want to see their faces again.

A month later I make a stupid decision that I have regret ever since. I accept the girl's request and end up talking to her again. All of the sudden out of no where I am back in the same mess and with her again. To her, getting with my "bestfriend" wasn't even that bad. She apologized but it always felt like she still thought what she did was ok.

Now check out the guidelines that I had to follow in a relationship with her or she wouldn't want to be with me:

1) I was not allowed to call her during the day because it would make her feel frustrated that she is obligated to call me.
2) I was not allowed to call her house line because she felt like if I call her house line I am trying to control her.
3) I was basically not allowed to share my feelings with her if they were negative because I would just put the relationship in a negative mood.

and many more childish and stupid suggestions that when I mentioned to people they would just be appalled.

It got the a point where I was so fed up with it that on last Friday after getting yelled at and cursed at I just called it quits and decided to just get the hell away from her.

Now I am in a big mess mentally. I have gone to therapy, have gone on anxiety meds and still have trouble getting this chick out of my head. I have become so paranoid it's ubelieveable. I don't have many friends anymore since I feel like I cannot trust anyone and the only friend that I have that I feel like I can trust.....I have thoughts of him getting with her too. My brain goes from places to places, one day I feel such hate for her for making me this misreable but sometimes I hope that I get to talk to her again and maybe "fix" it.

What makes the situation worse is that she lives probably 10 minutes away from me and goes to the same college as I do. I run a big risk of bumping into her all the time.

Anyways, sorry for the long story, I tried to keep it as short as possible. There are alot of stuff that I have left out. If you guys actually want to hear any details go ahead and ask. I have gone through so much with this chick I have no idea why I can't just accept the fact that she doesn't give a crap and just move on. My mind is driving me nuts.

January 22, 2007
1:44 am
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Friendma
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((((Antagonist)))) I want to tell you that it's not easy to share what you shared. I think it was very brave of ya to reach out and post. I thought you did a good job of tellin your story and I don't feel that it was too long. With your comparison to others misery, I would like to encourage ya that each persons pain is just as real to them and hurtful as the next persons. Just because we have experienced different situations doesn't make your situation any less important or hurtful than mine or anyone elses. I hope that makes sense. When you love someone, it's hard to let go. Even when you know it's what needs to be done that still doesn't make it any easier. Relationships are supposed to be a two way street. Both people giving and recieving. This relationship seems very one sided with you bein the one doin all the giving. I know that there are two sides to every story but I have dated and been married to people like the girl you are describing. They are not healthy and no matter how much you try and change and give it's never enough. Of course you are the only one who knows for sure if you should move on or not but from what you have explained it sure does seem to me that you need to take care of you and your emotional well bein and move on. You are doin what it takes for you to get healthy and that is exactly what you need to do in my opinion. The only person that you have control over and can change is you. Love is not about controlling the other. Boundaries are healthy so that each person does not get mistreated but what you have described comes across from her point of view as selfish and immature and the question that pops into my head is with all her restrictions with you why in the world does she want a serious commited relationship? I agree with ya that hookin up with your friend is out of line and yes it would be very hurtful and I'm also glad that you did not get arrested. Remember that actions speak louder than words and she can say sorry but that does not mean that she truly means it. People tend to say whatever they think other people want to hear to avoid confrontation instead of communicating honestly and bein mature and dealin with the hurt feelins and what not to resolve the issue. I hope what I'm writting is makin sense and that it isn't offensive to ya or anything. Again, this is only my opinion and you are the only one who knows for sure. I would suggest that you rely on your therapist and do what you feel ya need to do as long as you are not deliberately mean to the girl. I hope that ya find comfort, peace, strength and encouragement. Take care of you!

January 22, 2007
9:12 am
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atalose
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I'm glad you were able to open up and share, that takes alot of strength and helps you to vent.
I'm not sure if you are asking for advise or if you just needed to vent. Keep posting and venting, it will help.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 22, 2007
12:55 pm
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CAMER
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breakups are hard, and they take time...what you need is to give yourself more time and still keep seeing the therapist, and the meds...it'll just be a while b4 you feel better. You have been with her b4 and broke up to get back together
to end up breaking up again, now is the time to heal yourself, and try to focus on just getting yourslef better, hang out with friends and family and know in time, that you will feel better.

January 22, 2007
2:27 pm
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soprano2
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Yes, it is a little bit of a mess, but the mess doesn't have to continue.

No one should be controlled by another person.

Are you willing to sacrifice who and what you are for this person knowing that she would not do the same for you in return????

Being someone that has done that most of her life (sacrificing myself for others), I will tell you that it gets old. It created in me a sense of unfulfillment that I am still looking for years and years later--and I have a way to go.

I would stay away and work on yourself. There is lots of information on here about No Contact if you need some help and encouragement.

Good luck.
s2

January 22, 2007
10:18 pm
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Antagonist
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I'm having a hell of a time trying to focus on other things in my life. Basically all throughout the day I think about everything that has happened etc etc.

I keep getting worried if she is going to hurt me again in some other way. Get with another friend of mine or something.

January 24, 2007
2:17 am
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Antagonist
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Anyone else got any words of wisdom that can share with me?

I've started reading a book and trying to excercise in an attempt to not think about her but it's not going so well.

January 24, 2007
3:01 am
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southgoingzax
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it's hard to shift your mental paradigm. it's really a lot of hard work. But maybe you can think of it in terms of your *SELF*.

What is healthiest for your *SELF*? Who is in control of you, how you feel, what you think about, how you act? Who do you want to be in control? The only person who should be behind the wheel is your *SELF*. This girl sounds like she was horribly manipulating and controlling - do you really deserve to be controlled by someone else who makes you feel that badly?

I know the hamster in the wheel syndrome, believe me. But, every instance you can, try to hop off that wheel, grab a drink of water, get some rest, eat a little, maybe talk to someone new....try to create little windows where you do not think about her. Until you do that, you are pouring endless amounts of energy into a girl who neither deserves nor respects you.

I'm sorry you're going through this - it is not easy. Maybe you should take a few yoga classes? Sounds silly, but give it a try, or something, one new thing you think you might enjoy, once a week or something, just to have a break from the cycling.

zax

January 24, 2007
3:31 am
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thetbeav
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Well I for one find it comforting b/c I've been where you are, and it SUCKS! There's just no way around it. Gosh she was with your best friend? That was nice of her.

Oh, not being able to call her house I think is code for "I don't want you calling and making me look bad while I have other guys here". That's just my personal opinion.

I suggest you spend time with your friends and school and working out and whatever you can to distract yourself during the worste part of it...which is now. It gets easier everyday.

I can't believe you found her with your best friend...and then acted like she did nothing wrong. That's even worse!

January 24, 2007
8:45 pm
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Antagonist
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Thanks for the kind words everyone. Like people here have recommended I am trying my best to let time heal my wounds.

It's been 6 days and well I think my anger has mellowed out and I'm starting to really just get depressed over this. I'm starting to miss her physically. This might sound really corny but damn I just want to cuddle with her really badly.

I'm trying to think mostly about the bad things and how I would feel most of the time so I don't trick myself into calling her. Not that calling her would do anything. I would probably get cursed out and yelled at. No reason to disrespect myself by putting myself in a situation like that.

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