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am i codependent-please help
August 20, 2006
11:45 pm
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pearlita
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am i codependent-please help I have been involved with a woman (gay relationship) for 3 years. I had a normal childhood-she had an awful one-mother was a crack addict, lived in foster homes, raped, sexual at a very young age. We had a great relationship-very intense love. No substance abuse, etc. At times she was emotionally unavailable-I attributed it to her childhood. She was very appreciate and loving. At times, she was VERY selfish. I constantly gave in for what I thought was just compromise. I just found out that she had been talking with other woman-it was never sexual. She claimed that she has a problem and she needs other people to love her. At the very end, she got back with an ex and cheated on me. She left me jus telling me she wasnt happy. I found out later about the other woman. Since then, she has come back to me telling me she loves me and that she wants to try to work things out. She wants me to be patient while she works on herself. We spent all last weekend together and then this weekend she kept putting me off. She told me today that I need to be patient and that she is afraid that God won't forgive her for all of her lies and problems to everyone. She obviously has lied to many people to cover up these things. She has been spending a lot a time with a gay co-worker and is at her house right now and tells me she helps her forget her problems but that she loves me and wants to be a better woman for me through counseling. Please help-am I crazy? co-dependent? She told me that she thought about killing herself and other crazy thoughts and that she is depressed. I just keep wanting to help her. I love this woman unbelievably but don't know what I'm doing anymore. Please help

August 20, 2006
11:52 pm
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ggfred4
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Wow, I don't know what to say, but want you to know that I care. My advice, not an expert, detach if you can. Let her figure herself out. This will be hard if you are in love though. She needs professional help.

This was meant in honesty, sorry if blunt.

August 20, 2006
11:57 pm
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pearlita
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What if I can't detach? I'm so scared for both of us. How do I cope with this?

August 21, 2006
12:09 am
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ggfred4
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I myself am working on detaching from a relationship. I do know about that. IT IS TERRIBLY HARD!!! I have to stay as busy as I can and take it day by day. Just remember, we can do it!!! At least that is what I keep telling myself.

August 21, 2006
12:14 am
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ggfred4
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I myself am working on detaching from a relationship. I do know about that. IT IS TERRIBLY HARD!!! I have to stay as busy as I can and take it day by day. Just remember, we can do it!!! At least that is what I keep telling myself.

August 21, 2006
6:22 pm
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doubleloss
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i think many of us in this community are trying to detach from toxic relationships, deal with codependent issues and start hurting ourselves trying to "change" people that we love. Every situation is different, I think sometimes we do need and have to stand by our loved one supporting and loving them through their growth and change, nothing wrong with that, however, when we think we can do the hard work for them is when things don't work.
Have a good heart-to-heart talk with your girlfriend, don't settle for half truths and decide what is best for YOU (many times not the easiest, and must times the must painful).
Don't get sucked in the "i'm going to kill myself stuff..", that is a big red flag, do what you can but don't think you can do much, i guess.

read the threads, there is so much wisdom floating around here.

take care

August 22, 2006
10:52 am
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moving0n
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In answer to your question (post title) I think every human has some codependent behaviours. So sure, you may be codependent. It means nothing more than that you need to learn some new, more constructive ways of behaving- and we all need to do that constantly throughout life.

Your post really focuses on your partner and not yourself at all. The first thing you need to do (if you want to manage codependency) is start to focus on yourself. Feel the emotions and let them go. Don't obsess over the relationship. Don't try to manipulate or control your partner. She's asking for space, so you must give it. I'm guessing that you're afraid that space will lead her to find someone else, but if it does, that's a reflection on her, not you.

Try to fill you time and the void with healthy activities that will help you grow and be a stronger person. Go out with friends, do things that calm and fulfill you, find a codependents anonymous group and learn to get back into yourself as opposed to being so much into her.

The reality is that your partner has seen a lot of bad times and she will need someone who is healthy and can set healthy boundaries in a relationship. Do that work for you and maybe in the future when she's ready, she'll benefit from it too.

August 22, 2006
11:44 am
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StronginHim77
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I see "red flags" waving everywhere. The suicide threat…the infidelity…the need to be admired and to seek out new sexual partners to obtain that admiration and confidence…then dumping them and moving back to a "secure" source of attention and support.

Your partner definitely needs professional assessment and support. I would also recommend that you check out this website: bpdcentral.com

Some of her behavior (as well as her background) is reminiscent of classic "borderline personality disorder." Again, only a professional can truly diagnose.

In the meantime, I would echo MovingOn's recommendation: FOCUS ON YOURSELF. All of your posting was about the problematic partner. None of it was about YOUR needs, dreams, goals, etc. That is classic codependency. Remember, you cannot "fix" this woman. You cannot be her saviour. You cannot control her behavior or make the bad stuff go away, by loving her enough, etc. You can only take care of YOURSELF. And I think it would do you a world of good to get some therapy, yourself.

Another good website source for you:

mytriptoozandback.com

It is called "My Trip To Oz and Back" and is a fascinating, true account of one woman's relationship with her BPD girlfriend. I strongly recommend it. If you see yourself in it, please please tell your therapist or counselor.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

August 22, 2006
10:14 pm
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pearlita
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Well today's entry....I talked to my ex today and my gf saw me on the phone and she went crazy when she found out I had talked to her she accused me of trying to date her. I was on the phone with my mom when she called and she accused me of lying about being on the phone with my mom. I told her she had me mixed up-that she is the one that lies. She then said maybe we need to go our seperate ways. I told her to calm down and we could talk later. She sent me a text message saying that "she wasn't trying to act crazy sweetie but her emotions are all over the place and she can't deal with them right now and she thinks it's best if we go our separate ways-this is it! Ur a great person!" So I sent her back a text saying "ok i agree-I will meet you tomorrow after my meeting and we can get the paperwork signed to dissolve our domestic partnership tomorrow." She sent back a text saying "please understand that she wants to see me happy and that she wants what is best for me. Always be my friend please?" I haven't answered her back. What is wrong with her-why do people do this to people? I could never hurt her like this. I just don't understand her...i wish i could-that is what is driving me crazy. Do i stop contact? what if she doesn't call? i feel like i am losing my mind...

June 7, 2012
3:09 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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I have a girlfriend that is so co dependent that she has admitted to me that without her past relationship she does not feel normal at all.  She functions on a very general level.  She is a great girl and she could easily move on and meet another guy, but she tells me she simply does not want to.  She understands that her past lover is not in love with her & she does not try to contact him, but she does not want to move on with her romantic life at all.  She has made some very positive changes in her life recently and they were difficult, but with respect to this long term relationship she had with this guy she tells me she knows it was the most real experience she will ever have and that she refuses to try again with someone else.  Some days she spends hours crying over missing her love & knowing that he probably has moved on witihout any thought of her, but she remains steadfast in her thoughts that this man was the love of her life.  I had met him several times and they did seem really good together and I know they spent much time together.  There were problems on both sides that were truly difficult for both of them.  I think he did want to give her what she needed and wanted and I know she desperately tried to give him all that she could, but somehow it was never enough for the both of them to make it work out.  It seems they both made mistakes all the time, but I could see that regardless of their issues, they were something very very important together for each other.  Everyday I see her or speak to her, I see that her eyes have died just a little more.  She is way too sad without this guy and nothing and no one snaps her out of it.

I told her that she must try to call him, but she says she cannot because they have hurt one another too much and that he already knows how she feels about him and he does not feel the same way so there is no point.

 

One Day

June 7, 2012
9:22 am
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blanket
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HERE ARE A FEW CHARACTERISTICS OF CODEPENDENTS:

- Feel most comfortable when they are giving
- Find needy people to take care of
- Try to please others instead of themselves
- Have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility
- Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem
- Wonder why people don't do for them
- Feel victimized by the "selfishness" of others
- Try to be all things to all people all the time
- Have difficulty saying "no" and/or setting boundaries
- Feel empty and bored when they are not involved in a crisis
- Seek out chaos and then complain about it
- Get angry when somebody refuses their help or doesn't take their advice
- Tend of have a self-esteem that is connected to "doing"
- Try to prove that they are good enough to be loved
- Are afraid of making mistakes
- Are easily offended by other's "rudeness" or "insincerity" or "uncaring attitude"
- Can become self-righteous with phrases like "I would NEVER do that...."
- Try to be perfect, and expect others to be perfect
- Have self-blame and put themselves down
- Must be in control at all times

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