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Am I codependent or just too attached?
August 3, 2004
12:29 pm
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Hello-

This is my first post. It's quite long but, please bear with me.

First off, I am gay. (If that matters any, I think it might)

I met a man last February out at a bar one Saturday night. We really hit it off. Time passed and I realized he did not want to be exclusive with me. He wanted no attachment and wanted to date/have sex with other people. So, we decided to be friends. We have been really close, usually talk daily.

The thing is, as we have remained friends. I have fallen in love with this man. But, we are supposed to be friends. Occasionaly, up until recently. We were still messing around and having sex once in awhile. (which I think has contributed to my attachment to him) I have gotten to a point where I know he is not being truthful with me about his "sexual proclivities" when I am not around.

Last Saturday, we hung out. He dropped me off and said he would call me later. Well, I never heard from him. He went out to a bar with friends that night. Usually, when I don't hear from him. I know he picked up on someone. So,on Sunday. I asked him if he picked up. He said no.

Then, I went to his place later that evening and turns out, he said he did meet someone and told me his name. So, I started to look around the apartment. Not obvious to him. There were two coffee cups in the sink, one spoon. And the pot. That was my first clue, then I used the restroom and I snooped through his bathroom garbage and I found a condom wrapper. My assumption was correct and he had lied to me. I confronted him about it before I left for the evening. He says that he hides these things from me because he knows where it will lead. For the most part, when he tells me he picks up. I usually handle it pretty well. But, he has also asked me why is it that he owes me an explanation? I cannot answer that myself.

I guess my question is, why am I so involved and why do I care what he does? I want to break this emotional attachment but, I keep waivering back to it. Some days, I am very strong and I don't think about it. But, it is now consuming me in an unhealthy way and making me very deperessed. To try and not call him or distance myself seems impossible and will hurt me emotiuonally. As well as putting a strain on our already damaged friendship.

If anyone can offer some advise/suggestions on this, I would appreciate it. Thank you.

August 3, 2004
12:57 pm
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fairy99
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Welcome details, and it matters not whether you are gay to me and I'm sure it doesn't to alot of others on this site. We are all hurting and this site helps give us the support we need.

As far as you attachment to this man who obviously doesn't feel the same. You have to be the one to decide to walk away. You know it's not a healthy relationship for you and you deserve more than what your getting. He sounds to me like a player and you get nothing but lonliness from that. You on the other hand want a companion to love and share things with. My advice to you is run far away from this guy and find someone who is deserving of your love. Only you have control of what you do. Believe in yourself. Good luck to you sweetie. HUGS!

August 3, 2004
1:11 pm
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babysteps
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Details,

Welcome to the site! Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to walk away from someone that you really care about/ love/ want to be with. I had to do the same thing recently, and it hurt. It was tough just sitting in silence; I cried all the time and felt extremely angry.

Yet, I am realizing that I deserve the best from someone...you deserve the same. As much as you like this man, he is not being truthful with you. Think about it: you felt the need to snoop b/c you knew he wouldn't be honest with you. You deserve SO MUCH more than that; you deserve a man that will be honest with you and one you can be honest with. As fairy99 said, you want much more than he want to give to you. Think of your own needs first.

Perhaps the best advice I can give you is to take care of you. Often times it take much more courage to let go than to hang on. You are obviously not happy right now, but talking with him will probably make you feel worse. I also felt that if I could only be a friend that I would feel happy and things would work out for me. Unfortunately, it just made it harder and more painful. Listen to your gut, details...it will always lead you to the right place!

I am here for you. Keep your chin up, Baby Steps

August 3, 2004
1:26 pm
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Thanks to both of you for your information and support.

See, the thing is. I don't know if I am looking for a relationship with someone. That is the last thing I want right now. I have other things on my plate that are more important that need to be dealt with now.

I think that I am somewhat jealous of him because he meets other men eaisily and has a good sucess rate. Because I am his friend. I guess that I am envious that it happens so eaisily for him and not me. Thats something I need to work on as well. Also, because I do love him, the emotional attachment interferes somehow. I wish I could explain it in more detail. But, it doesn't make it easy for me.

The fact that him and I are just friends is something that I need to accept.

For a time, I was able to tolerate it and turn a blind eye to his behavior patterns. Now, it is consuming me. Why do I even care, I ask myself? I feel like I am on a see-saw. I just want the stregnth to accept how he is. I really, really would hate to lose him as my friend. In other areas of my life, he has been very good to me. And aside from the lies or lack of truth about his sexual proclivities, he treats me very well. I can't help but wonder is it any of my business who he is sleeping with anyhow?? I guess I am in a catch 22.

Please let me know what you all think about this. Thanks!

August 3, 2004
1:33 pm
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CAMER
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looks like you have to just base yourself with this man on a friendship level, and not get emotionally involved, cuz when you do your heart will get involved too.
The man was up front about wanting to
just *date* only and if that is acceptable to you, then you cannot ask for more..just make sure you use
protection. You also don't know how
your friend is picking up his dates...the dates he have may be "easy" people who don't care and may just want sex. I think anyone can pick up anyone they want if its just for a casual fling. I think it takes alot more to pick up on someone who is looking for a *relationship*...i hope this sounds ok....Best thing is
to stay away from this man, and get your heart *uninvolved* before you start falling for him more. good luck!...camer

August 3, 2004
1:47 pm
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fairy99
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I have a question for you.

Why would you wanna be friends with someone who lies to you? A true friend would not do that. You sound as though you know what you need to do already. You have things going on in your life that take president, so why let this bother you? You are confident and worthy and that shows in the way you write and what you write. You don't need this guy to make you great, all you need is you. I would say chow dude.

August 3, 2004
2:17 pm
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workinonit
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details,

I have been reading this thread, knowing I want to respond, but unsure how to say things.

My son is gay. His explanation to me was, the percentage of people in the gay community who want a good relationship are even smaller than we who are in the heterosexual community experience. I am wondering how you feel about this? Does it bother you to be in love with someone who simply wants to experience many lovers and doesn't want to be with just one person? I am only wondering what you think...I am not judging this because I believe in live and let live.

The bottom line though, is that we are the same in how we deal with relationship. You have to decide if you are being totally honest in what you want from this man. If you want more but will not admit it you will be the one hurt in the end. If you can admit it to yourself then maybe you could move on easier. If it is simply a friendship, which I do nat believe, kep things as they are and stop worrying about who he sees.

You are a good person who deserves the best. Remind yourself of that often and go have a good time.

August 3, 2004
5:17 pm
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SteveLondon
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Hi Details,

Welcome to the site, I myself got into a ex-lover turned friend situation. The thing was i was very much in love with him and when he ended it i went into trauma. He stayed and we occasionally had sex usually on Ecstasy or drink. This kept me emotionally involved with him. I was in love with him and always trying to be his friend. I was desperate if i thought he was with someone else and the few times i lost my temper so much i smashed up plates and stuff around the apartment. Well in all of this i slowly got over him, but it took 18 months as i have said in my previous posts he went off for a few weeks with some guy he was infatuated with. And i went into free fall, well i came out of it emotionally numb and we started to be ok with eachother after that. It took me a long time to accept that he wasn't in love with me and if only i could change him or do anyting to show him how much i loved him that he would realise he was in love with me. Well i realise now after therapy that i was living in a dream world of co-dependancy.

The is a good ending to this during our time sharing this apartment he looked after me and i looked after him. What has come out of it is a deep friendship and respect. He is the guy who tells me all about his life tells me things he can tell no one else. All i feel these days is warmth towards him and he loves me. It took a long time but we got there. The thing i realise is that i couldn't see him as he really was when i was so co-dependant on him, now with clarity he is totally different to me now.

Now in therapy because of my last relationship and trying to work things out with my ex who is still interested because of the emotional honesty i have shown and the strength and independance i have now. I drove him away with my clinging and now we are working towards maybe getting back together but there are no guarentees.

I have to work on myself everyday to tell myself i am worth it, and that i can be on my own and be happy with that. Incidently i haven't had sex for 8 weeks, there first time in 33 years (started having sex when i was 8) i have been celebate. The thing is i used to use sex to make me feel better but now i am making me feel better. I think you need some distance from him. Realise he doesn't feel about you the way you do about him. All things pass even love.

Steve X

August 3, 2004
11:29 pm
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Thanks again to all of you who responded. I appareciate all the input.

~To answer the question from fairy99.
I totally understand where you are coming from, I do. Who he has been sleeping with is the only area I have taken issue with that I know he is intentionally being untruthful about. Which we discussed, and said he was being untruthful because it might cause drama if he told me the truth. He has promised to be truthful in that aspect from now on. Like I said, in all the other areas of our friendship, things are going quite well. Thank you for your imput, I appreciate it.~

In response to workinonit's question. Yes, it does bother me to be in love with someone that wants to "run around" other than be committed to me. However, I cannot change him. He has shed some light recently on why he no longer wants to be committed to someone. Years of bad relationships with bad men and other drama have conditioned him to not want a serious relationship. From what he has shared with me, I am trying to uabsorb all of it. I think of the song by Bonnie Raitt "I cant make you love me". I cannot make him love me or change him. That's the part I am trying to accept. I look at all angles and I would rather have him in my life somehow than not at all. Aside from this, he is a overall good person. This area of him is where I am stuck, I guess. Thanks for your thoughts.~

To respond to SteveLondon's comments.
I totally can relate to a lot of what you are saying, I really can. Hopefully, I can get over my jealous feelings and keep him as a part of my life. I do love him deeply and I know he loves me too, just not in the way I would like him to love and care about me. But, I can look for what I need elsewhere. Maybe I will find it, maybe I won't. But, I am slowly figuring out. Whatever it is that I am seeking, is not in him. And I need to deal with that. Thanks for your thoughts.~

Thanks for all who have threaded me back, I appreciate it so much! : )

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