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Am I Being Used?
February 13, 2004
10:56 pm
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Amigina
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It has been 3 months since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. There are some things about him that I couldn't figure out and perhaps you could help me shed some lights and understand why he's doing it to me.

I met this fellow at where we work. He was not attractive at all, but his personality is awesome - friendly and good-mannered. He is 42 and I'm 37. He's never married. I asked him why and he said he couldn't find a right girl. He's a very shy guy so I ended up kissing him first. He was in heaven, falling in loves with me. I know he hasn't been kissed for age. When we started going out, people looked at me funny. Why? Because they thought he's gay. I'm like, he can't be since he kissed me. So later on, every time while we're together, I noticed him looking at guys, not girl. He likes to talk about transvestite movie (To Wong Foo, Priscilla, etc) and how funny they are. I also noticed he never had any male friends, just mostly women. I also noticed he has some feminine personality (cross his leg, loves to gossip, doing female job). He does not know anything about car and house carpentary. I guess it's due to his living with his grandmother while growing up. He doesn't lives with him Mom because his Dad and younger brother beat him up. Anyway, he was never romantic and had a hard time saying ILY to me. He's more into companship type relationship, not girl/boyfriend type relationship. He's against sex since he said it's wrong to do it before marriage. That's when I started to get suspicious. Then he confronted me that he has gynecomasia (enlarged breast since teen) and was too embarrassed to have sex with me. I told him that never bothered me. Still no sex. He go to church every week and I still find it hard to believe he's religious because i never see him pray, read Bible, etc. So one month before I call it quit, I decided to give him a test. I decide not to call or see him, like I did many time before. I want to see how much he miss or worry about me to death. Well, guess what? He had a florist sent me a small holiday flower at work and say "To Jeanna, Merry Christmas. Miss You, Me". Jeanna? That's not my name and how could he misspelled my name? I was hurt that this is the only item I've heard from him in a whole month! One week after Christmas, I emailed him that I don't longer wish to see him anymore because I felt he doesn't care about me and that I'm happier without him. No response from him. End of story. Now, you tell me what do you think of this? Why is he doing it to me? Is he using me all these times? Could it be possible that he's gay and he used me to make people think he's not gay? What kind of games he put on me?

February 13, 2004
11:06 pm
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Zinnie
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There are lot's of reasons this could have happened. If he suffer's from the male breasts, and comes from a family of men that beat him up because he is not "manly" - can you imagine that? Although, I would wonder why he is 42 and still living at home.

Lot's of people go to Church, yet do not read a Bible, and to me - prayer is personal, and I prefer to do it in my own time without an audience.

Spelling your name wrong? That could have been the florist. I have been married to my husband for 13 years - and the one time he sent me flowers... they spelled my name wrong. Really wrong at that, and I have an easy name!

Lastly, yes, he might indeed be gay, and he might not be able to accept it himself. This happens.

Should you hate this man? Probably not. Worst case scenario? He is gay and cannot or has not accepted it yet - but still cared enough about you as a friend to send you flowers.

Z.

February 13, 2004
11:18 pm
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Amigina
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If he care enough as being a friend to send me a flower, then he should not kiss me. It just doesnt make sense for him to do that to me.

February 13, 2004
11:23 pm
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Zinnie
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But again... he might really be gay, and cannot accept it.

Unless you come right out and talk to him - will you ever really know?

February 14, 2004
6:29 pm
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Amigina
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I did brought up the issue with him. How did I do that? Well, at first, I told him that people had come up to me and thought he's gay. His reaction? Totally upset. He said people only saying that because he hasn't been married yet. He also said if he's gay, he would not kiss me. Every time he kissed me, he get turned on easily and something thing go off. That's exactly what he told me. Also, I forgot to mention - he is taking Zoloft for his severe anxiety. He's very jumpy and sensitive person. If someone tap his shoulder behind him, he'll jump and scared easily. I do remember he told me it's because of his father's severe beating on him when he was little. Well, when I look back, we had a wondertime time together, but he does not love me. Why I said that? He never show it to me. He had a hard time saying ILY or doesn't show affection. I just don't know. I guess my biggest fear is getting AIDS.

February 14, 2004
7:33 pm
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gingerleigh
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You might do a little research on HIV and AIDS. If your physical relationship with this man was as limited as you say it was, you probably don't have anything to worry about. And by the way, just because someone is gay doesn't mean that he has AIDS.

February 14, 2004
9:19 pm
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Anonymous
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I also think that you need to realize that there are men out there that are more feminine but are not gay. I think that with all his other issues such as anxiety and the male breasts, that has got to take a toll on someone, and he sounds like he is very insecure, and the fact that he doesn't want to have sex, could have to do with his religion. I think that until you just sit down and ask him to be completely 100% honest with you, you will never know, ASK him if he was using you, I would rather know an answer than sit and guess. Are you able to talk to him about it?

February 16, 2004
1:06 am
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Squeezles
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If you're already decided you don't want to be with this guy, what does it really matter if he's gay, he's not sure if he's gay or he's not? Maybe you being so hung up on the fact that he 'might' be has put him off? You put a lot of 'stereotypes' on to him - he won't have sex (maybe it's against his religious beliefs? And certainly people have the right to say 'no' if they wish without having to disclose their reasons, do they not?), he likes to gossip (so? Lots of people do), he likes to cross his legs (maybe it's more comfortable for him that way?) he doesn't know anything about 'carpentry' (just because he is a male, doesn't mean he HAS to know these things. I don't believe there is a divine law on the matter). Certainly bluntly telling him that you think he's gay and that other people think he is (suggesting you listen to the gossip of other people about HIM) would be somewhat offputting.

It sounds like you're being purposely vindictive because you feel rebuffed that he wouldn't have sex with you. That's kind of petty isn't it?

February 18, 2004
7:11 pm
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Amigina
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Really, I feel more like he's treating me like his compainon because he had a hard time saying or write ILY to me. He doesn't hold, hug, kiss me often. He acted more like a friend than being a boyfriend, if you know what I mean. I desperately need loves - I'm NOT talking about sex. I fell in love with him and he's my true love. For him, he doesn't feel the same way as I do. Some of you said that I need to talk to him, well, it looks like it's too late because I haven't heard from him for almost 3 months. I just can't stop thinking about him and I often cried, blaming for what I did to our relationship. If he really wants me so bad, he should've see or call me that he supposed to.

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