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am i being insecure or being played?
July 21, 2005
9:17 pm
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shyann
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Long story short we've been going through tough times lately as far as me trusting him. There have been several arguments and i have a tendency of checking up on him. I've found things concerning other women (emails and pages)but he has dismissed them as being friends or something having to do with his work. I've heard rumors of him flirting and dating other womem but have no proof of him being intimate with them. This has been going on for months. Sometimes out ot the "blue" he'll become distant and will stay that way until I tell him that I cant stand being ignored and threaten to leave (because I believe this is a sign of cheating). The other day I experience a breaking point. I heard another rumor and accused him of being unfaithful. I verbally abused him (so he says), and said I was leaving (which is a habit of mine) and now he says he doesn't know if this is what he wants. I believe that where there is smoke there is fire. He says i'm insecure and is now threatening to leave me because 1)I sided with others 2) I verbally abused him ( by saying if you want to be a cheater, go ahead) 3)threatening to leave. Now he is threatening to leave me-telling me that he doesn't know if he wants this relationship anymore. He also has a history of being unfaithful in previous relationships.I dont know what to do.

July 21, 2005
9:24 pm
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CAMER
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go with your instincts...and maybe find out more about these rumors, they could all be just that "rumors" or they could be true, depends on who and what you hear.

How long have you two been going together and has he ever cheated on YOU b4??

July 21, 2005
9:24 pm
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22haha
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long story short - I see a lot of red flags. Once a cheater.... you know the rest. If he is angry with you for "accusing" him this is probably because he is defending himself. I don't know this man but I do know that if his feelings change like that out of the blue then there is probably a reason. I would say to stop threatening to leave - as he will stop taking you seriously. If he is threatening to leave - stop and think if you are truly (TRULY) happy. Doesn't sound like you trust him very much if you are checking up on him either. Without trust you are in serious trouble.

July 21, 2005
9:39 pm
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shyann
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Camer-He says he has never cheated with me. But last year I found 2 months worth of emails where he was corresponding with a woman that he was seeing before me. She was still coming to his house and so was I, but she and I obviosly didn't know about one another. He eventually left her alone. But the fact that I had to dig this info up makes me not trust him. We have been together for two years.
haha-You are right, without trust there is nothing. But I feel that he has lost my trust. When I checked up on him, my instincts lead me to several emails and phone calls to and from women who I knew nothing about. I'm so confused and I hate to feel that its me who has the problem.

July 22, 2005
1:44 am
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on my way
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shyann,

i lived with my now ex-husband before i married him, yes i married him anyway in spite of what i suspected.

i found letters from other girls, he did things and then ignored them when i asked questions made me out to be the bad guy "ideot".

one day a girl came to the door looking for him because she was home from college for the weekend. she looked at me, itwas very obvious she was floored , very hurt, and did not know about me. and of course he denied everything.

i married him and it took forever to trust him,but the distrust ruined our marriage, and really laid a very shakey foundation. if i knew now what i knew then i never woulkd marry anyone i could not trust, or who lied to me.

but more than blaming this bf of yours for his actions, or what he "DOES" to you....take charge of yourself and know what you want. it sounds as if you do not really wan tthis type person, and it seems obvious that you have recognized the red flags. don't settle for less than you deserve.

July 22, 2005
2:32 pm
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kathygy
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I think the best thing to do is to sit down with him and have an open and honest conversation without accussing him of anything. Just tell him how you feel using 'I' statements and ask questions without drawing conclusions. Tell him you have found out about several woman who he had contact with and how that makes you feel. Ask him about these women. Tell him what you need from him to feel safe in the relationship. You will learn a lot about him if you do this and he is willing to participate. Its the only chance I see at building trust depending on what he says. If he's not willing to do that then you have nothing. Threatening to leave is manipulative unless you really mean it and follow through.

love,
kathy

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