Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Am I being co-dependent if I say yes to him?
September 21, 2006
10:37 am
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

An outing to "Red apple picking" is being organized in my neighbourhood. My kind neighbour asked me if I was going and I said no. He said why not take advantage, the transport is free, all we have to pay for is the price of apple basket which each of us will pick by ourselves from the orchard.

I am a granny smith apple eater (the green apples). I rarely purchase red apples, they are not my favourite. Besides, since it's taking place on Sunday, I will miss out on going to church.

I am in a dilemma here:

Should I go anyway to please my kind neighbour even tho I don't like red apples that much (Codep), OR stick to my needs + preferences of NOT liking red apples and NOT wanting to miss out on my church day (show love & honour to myself)?

~Ras~

September 21, 2006
10:44 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

don't go if you don't want to.

you don't have to please anyone.

and sounds like he is not "invested" in you saying yes - was just being kind and offering a day out.

tell him thanks for the offer, you appreciate it, and "maybe next time" and then do what you need to do.

if he said granny smith picking, then I would say "do you want church or apples" and that would make you decide.

but no sense going someplace to get something you don't want and skipping church, that you DO want.

honor your needs, period.

September 21, 2006
10:55 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

say NO to make you happy not YES to make others happy, a good coda quote!!!

Ras, you seem like you don't want to go, and that's ok, stick with church and do what you need to do & make yourself happy, ok!!!

(((camer)))

September 21, 2006
11:21 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ras -

Get into church and get built up and refreshed.

- Strong

September 21, 2006
12:33 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ras,

Why do you feel the need to please your neighbor? If you please your neighbor, what will that acomplish for you?

I would say, "Thanks but no thanks, I enjoy going to church on Sundays, thank you for keeping me in mind".

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 21, 2006
12:34 pm
Avatar
ShortCake
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 50
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ras, It sounds like your neighbor was just asking why because he wanted to get more people to attend. However, not going is your choice. Its your life and you have great reasons for not... You don't like red apples and church.

I like what Camer wrote..."say NO to make you happy not YES to make others happy..." What a great way to put it...

shortcake

September 21, 2006
1:21 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks all for your rightful and wise responses which is my answer as well "NO."

Even tho I love nature, fruit/veggies picking. There is no point in coming back home with pack full of red apples when Granny Smith is my favourite. If it were Granny Smith Orchard, I would be the 1st to enrol. Sadly, that's not the case.

Missing church once in a while for something we like is not a taboo, but then again red apples are not my cup of tea.

Camer - I will memorize that Coda quote. It really helps a lot: Say NO to make ME happy, and NOT YES to make others happy. Very wise indeed!!! Thanks hun!

~Ras~

So that solves the problem! NO. Period.

September 22, 2006
7:52 am
Avatar
Robert123
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh if we could just please all the people all of the time...
Ras are you in recovery from codependency? It sounds like you are. At least, you are aware and questioning yourself and that is a big part of it. Good for you that you chose to do what you really wanted to do and not what you felt obligated to do. If i can look at the motives behind my decisions it helps me to put things into perspective. Keep up the good work

September 22, 2006
12:49 pm
Avatar
trying2Bbetter
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ras,

I just saw this thread and wanted to jump in.

I have been re-reading “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie and reading your apple dilemma reminded me of an apple story that is in her book. She writes about going to an apple orchard even though she really didn’t want to, and how it made her feel, and why she regretted making the decision to go. It sounds to me like you made the right decision to honor your needs and not go to the apple picking, and I bet Ms. Beattie would applaud you for your decision also!

Here’s her story, from the book:

“Here’s another illustration of a rescue. One summer, a friend wanted me to take her to an apple farm. Originally, I wanted to go, and we set a date. By the time that date came, however, I was extremely busy. I called her, and instead of telling her I didn’t want to go, I asked to postpone it. I felt guilty and responsible for her feelings. I couldn’t tell the truth, because I thought she might be angry with me – more emotional responsibility – as if someone else’s anger is my business. The next weekend rolled around, and I squeezed the trip into my even busier schedule. But I did not want to go. I didn’t even need any apples; I had two drawers in my refrigerator crammed with apples. Before I stopped my car in front of her house, I had already switched into the persecuting role. I seethed with resentful, tense thoughts as we drove to the apple orchard. When we arrived at the orchard and began tasting and looking at apples, it became apparent neither of us was enjoying herself. After a few minutes, my friend turned to me. “I really don’t want any apples,” she said. “I bought some last week. I only came because I thought you wanted to, and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

t

September 22, 2006
7:45 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Reob - Thanks for your kind work. You will arrive some day Rob. It is work in progress to all of us. All the best to you hon!

T2B - Thanks sweetie for that excerpt. Ya, funny, I remember reading it in Melody's book as well right after I posted my thread. My kind neighbour knocked at my door yesterday and I gave him the bad news by telling him that I could not coz I didn't like red apples, rather, I liked granny smith. He said it is only for fun and he was going to pay for my harvest/basket. I thanked him so much for his kindness and generosity. What a gentleman he is! I am so happy to have a neighbour as generous as that.
He said the best place for Granny Smith apples is Washington. Too bad. May be next time!

May be next time we can make "Granny Smith Apple Harvest Outing" to ALL OF US HERE."

What do you think (((Folks)))????

September 23, 2006
3:33 pm
Avatar
trying2Bbetter
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ras, That is cool that your neighbor is so generous. I think you did a great job handling that situation. 🙂

Granny Smith Apple Harvest Outing ...woo hoo! Sounds great. I looooove apples, they make me think of the Fall season, which means cooler weather and less humidity where I live. Speaking of which...today it is 84 degrees and HUMID here....ugh! I am imagining that the weather is cool and crisp in Washington right now...just right for a harvest....aaahhh

t2Bb

September 23, 2006
5:14 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Quit whining, you guys. It's 95 here.

: (

- Melted Strong

September 23, 2006
5:14 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Quit whining, you guys. It's 95 here.

: (

- Melted Strong

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
23
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110977
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714261
Newest Members:
swright, nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why..
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information