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Am I an interfering bag of a mom-in-law?
February 26, 2001
12:43 pm
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Molly
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Hair loss could be the hormone thing, as well as stress, resurch your protien intake as well. No doubt you avoid dairy, what we read about your livestock, sad isn't it, can't trust your food. My intuitive side has said to head for the hills, and be self reliant since 1980, still haven't been able to make it happen, all say I am a dooms day when it comes to that subject. But.... doesn't seem to get better does it?

Well, why we split, there were so many issues starting from the fact that we did not do our homework from the beginning, rebound relationship with great sex, cultural issues, thinking we both knew what marriage was, and couldn't agree on a common intrepertation, the fantasy of the blended family with a spoiled child, and controlling exwife, working together,where ego's and money got in the way, unresolved issues from the past, mostly his hatred of women, that he worked through while we were appart,different values for the children, no head of house hold,no external social, or family support, I sunk into depression, and quit working on anything except the youngest daughters graduation from highschool, and caretaking of my sick mother, he developed diabetes, and refused to controll it, which made everything worse, then became a science project for different meds for his HTN, communication, communication, communication, he had been out of the house for about 6 months, I sold the house, and followed my dream, and it was a struggle, but working, the girls were gone, and my mother had passed, I sat autistic for about 6 more months and pulled my self out of it all, then he started comming round, with the new improved version, it was the act, and not the talk,after about 6 months more of observation, so I had nothing to loose, except my newly created paradice, and maybe a life time of guilt so I gave it a chance, and came back. Amazing but only home for 2 months, the first problem, which was big, we resorted to the old behavior, it was up to me to draw the line, and I did give some here and there, it is not perfect but it is working, we both realize the value and comfort of the 12 years even though most of it was hell, its like breaking through the fire wall, and going ha ha, we are making it. He truly is not a bad guy, and still even with the weight a looker, but he tries.I have laughed at him for years, as soon as I toss the towel, he rises to the occasion, a slow learner, but eventually gets it. Of course I am perfect!! 🙂 Amazing the most important thing is the commitment, learning what love is really, and the maturity that one needs with a dose of self-- confidence. One of the worst things that happened was my going back to school right after we got married, which was something that we never should have done, get married that is, I came home and had the graduate student syndrome, and boy was he a project, and I was right, bad thing for a man with machisimo. We were about as mis matched as mismatched could be, but must have been together in a past life, so he says. Between the two marriages, there is not much that I haven't experienced. So I take strong stands when people start to talk the divorce thing, its so damaging, and people shouldn't have to learn the hard way, but for some of us, its the only way we get it.

February 26, 2001
2:13 pm
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Dilly
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WOW, Mol, no-one can say you havn't been through the hoop! or that you havn't given it (the marriage) your best shot. There are always problems when mixed families try to live together, look at the problems I have had with my eldest and his new wife, trying to mix together with their respective daughter's including a new one! but hey, I'm sure these things are sent to test us, and boy have we been tested! It was interesting that your husband should bring up the past life thing, how much are you into this? All I can say is I must be suffering for some-one else's sins, because I have have never had that much fun to warrent paying the price i've paid!
Yeah, it's pretty sickening about the foot & mouth thing, I know the poor old farmers are reeling, having barely recovered fron the BSE problems, but I would like to offer up a prayer for the poor old animals that are being slaughtered in their masses. Most of them are perfectly healthy, but they (the farmers) cannot take the chance! But you don't mean to tell me that these animals cannot smell the stench of death that's all around them, they must be terrified, it doesn't bear thinking about!
Sorry to leave on such a miserable note, but my daughter in law is coming up the drive to collect the baby! She still drops her off just like a parcel, without hardly speaking except to bark orders as to what to feed her. The baby is quite cheerful, and has had a very good day with me singing nursery rhymes to her, I bet she thinks "who WAS that mad-women I was dumped with!"

February 26, 2001
7:29 pm
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Molly
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I believe in the possibility of just about all of it, he is not sure, but almost as psychic as me. It is a sad thought about the animals, almost as bad as the children in the USA, and we wonder why they are so angry, just lessons in becomming civilized, I am sure we will figure it all out one of these days, but yes, with respect to the marriage, I am complete. Not with the marriage, but with my effort. That is why I am putting my healing gifts aside for a while, and going after some capitol, heal thy self first.
I bet your daughter in law is intimidated by you. I would almost bet that she is fighting the ghost of the first wife, and besides your son, and granddaughter, then there is you. You sound again as lovely as my first husbands mother, a real woman. I have sworn for years that I should have fought for her in the divorce. I am just so greatful, that my girls have had such a strong relationship with her. I never should have allowed our relationship to drift, but I know that she is in my corner, and I think through spirit we support each other. I dread the day she passes, the girls are so close. She is in good health, and puts most to shame, but edging 90.
I am sure the baby is so much more comfortable in your presence. I laugh, and pity the mother's today. Watching them try to do it all, and no patience with the children. They are a nervous wreck, and they expect calm children? I was so lucky to be at home with the girls, and then I made sure to be home for them after school, I financially suffered, and when they tossed their fit last year, thought those ingrates, but they will get it, infact they may be getting it allready. I just recalled how the fit, started, the oldest didn't respond to my Valentines Day call last year. I just realized that they both called me this year, and that it has been a year, my how time flies. You know how to win her over, she needs some help, if she is a good person, and with the new baby, cementing the relationship, you know how to whip them your way. Your a croan, as am I, its our responsibility to teach, and to know when we can. Its just hard, when we are still getting our lessons.

February 26, 2001
7:30 pm
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Molly
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forgot to say, you now have friends in the US, and I am in California, when your ready to visit, just let me know.

March 1, 2001
6:29 am
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Dilly
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Moll
There is nothing to add to your very in-depth posting, except thanks again firstly, for allowing me the priviledge of getting into your heart, and secondly for your kind invitation to California, a place I have always facied visiting sometime.
We are almost under seige conditions here, what with BSE, Foot & mouth, and a particularily virilant virus which is doing the rounds on the humans! As I have said, I am due to go to wales this week-end as a verifier for the Reflexology Association, but I'm not sure if I will be allowed to travel as any un-necessary travelling is not advised. I have been a little lax in replying because I have had a relapse of that bug I was telling you about, I had to go back to the docs, and he said I have developed Shingles, and had I had any emotional stress lately!!(thank you son)
(actually, I was quite impressed with the docs linking of emotional/physical symptoms) so I will keep taking the tablets.
I had ALL the girls last night, my son asked me if I could pick them up from school and give them their tea! I didn't retort about "being useful sometimes then!" as I felt, I just said yes, and shelved the rest for another time, but we will have to have things out! The girls and I had a lovely evening but, when their Mother came to collect them, Alice clung to my ankles (she had been sitting on the floor) and wouldn't let go until I hissed into her ear that she was only getting her step-moms back up, and it would make things worse for coming to see me again, and she let go immediately! terrible is'nt it? but at least they all came.
I am off now to teach my class, and I am out on the town tonight at a reunion of my teacher training class, I still have a pain in my side (from the shingles) but I don't look too bad, so I'm giving it all my best shot, by the way, I think your idea of a crone and mine must be different! The English version is an old hag like a witch almost always with a wort on the end of her nose! sorry Moll, but in the best interests of overseas relationships, I think I had better decline your description and say I think we are probably more like matriarchs of society (or just bossy cows!) by for now. Love from Dilly.

March 1, 2001
12:22 pm
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Molly
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New age publications, and with the American Indian influence, here, and my intrepretation, is that crone's are older wise women, of course we could have worts on the nose, no international disputes intened! Shingles, oh my that is a painful one. Take care with your travels and health.

March 1, 2001
8:50 pm
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Alena
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Yipes Dilly, Shingles are terrible. Is this the first time you've had them? My mom was bothered with them off and on for about 10 years and she was in such pain. They're linked to the Chicken Pox virus apparently.
Hope you feel better soon.

See how it is about these kid's outbursts? All full of attitude and mouth and then who do they call on? I know though, just like you, I'll always be there.

Take care...get all better soon.

March 1, 2001
10:06 pm
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Molly
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Even I got a call with a 911, two term papers to write , and a fried brain, well at least she called.

March 2, 2001
8:38 am
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Alena
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Hey, I am leaving tomorrow for a week, away from computers and the real world, so I hope you guys all have a good week. Since I check this site about 3x a day, I think this is going to be an adjustment I didn't count on.

Take care,
Alena

March 2, 2001
11:33 am
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Dilly
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Yes, Ive had shingles before, and they are always related to a particularily emotional upset, as I said, thanks son!.
Where are you going ALENA? is it a well earned holiday? jeeez, I wish I could take a break, I am packing in a minute yo go to Wales, but it is work not pleasure.
It is step-grand-daughters 5th birthday today, I know both parents are working, so I offered to pick her up and give a little tea-party, if they wanted me to. Had a quick phone-call this morning from daughter-in-law saying she had arranged for them to go to a neighbours, and they were having a birthday party tomorrow (Saturday) "and what a pity you will be in Wales and unable to attend!"
so, once again I have been successfully ousted, you have to hand it to her, she's determined to keep me at arm's length, except when i'm needed of course!
I too am signing off now, probably speak to you all again on Monday, have a good one!

March 2, 2001
2:05 pm
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Alena
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Dilly, I wish I was going to Wales!
Another place I've always wanted to visit. I just picture it so homey and quaint and everyone looks like Tom Jones!(the young one) ...well just the guys!

I'm cruising the Southern Carib, and yes it is well earned as far as I'm concerned. My sister and I have planned this for many years and our husbands are agreeable(not happy, but aggreeable) so I'm so looking forward to just having my head empty from responsibility. Husband actually never liked cruising....until I made arrangements to go without him. Aren't they just so predictable?

Will you be able to see step grandaughter before you go? If not, I'm sure you'll find a way to make her days special, even if it's when you come back. You know, she can try to keep them away from you, but if you are kind to your grandchildren and they love you, she can't destroy that. If Grandmother stays constant and loving, oh well daughter-in-law, you just better face it. The girls love their gramma and they will resent her sooner or later if she tries to come between.

Have a good week, stay cool, try to let it all go out into the wind somewhere and let yourself recover from the shingles.

c ya

March 4, 2001
2:25 pm
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Dilly
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Hi Alena,

You lucky, lucky person, I shall be thinking of you and those gorgeous beaches, I bet you come back glowing with that lovely caribean tan, you rotter!
I bought the little one a super taffeta dress, lovely colours, and, because I wasn't seeing her, I sent it over to the neighbours they were at! She phoned me herself (aged 5) and was very excited about it, and said she had it on and it fitted perfectly. Then Mummy took over the phone and said rather curtly that it was far too much to spend and she thought I had gone "over the top" still,as we say over here "tough titty!" The little one loved it and that's all that counts.
The welsh trip was work (as a verifier for the Reflexology Association) but I made sure I took in the sights! The hills were snow capped, but on the ground there were daffodils in bloom everywhere, waiving their heads in the gentle spring sunshine along the sides of the roads, in the Hotel windows, and the little cottages were ablaze with the bright yellow colours, it was all so very beautiful and spring like! I almost forgot to cough (with the shingles) it was all soooo beautiful. Have a lovely well deserved holiday Alena, and i'll hear all about it please when you get back!
(By the way, the Tom Jones look-alikes were everywhere, no wonder I forgot about my cough!)

March 5, 2001
5:09 pm
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Molly
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Hmmm, well I'll get to go soon, and then you both will be envious. Good job, grand daughter happy, who cares about anything else. Its been rather beautiful here as well, though there is a storm that is due to hit soon. Enough rain allready.

March 6, 2001
8:32 am
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Dilly
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Hi Moll

Are you anywhere near that shooting in the high school?

March 6, 2001
10:31 pm
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Molly
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No, thank God, at least an hours drive away. So sad isn't it. I read Gothic Girl, and Cutie and think of these shootings, and just can't imagine the kids today. I know it is hard and all, but what is up with the parents. But then I look at the video games, I listen to the music, I see the films, I hear and see that parental abandonment, the loss of family unit, the lack of religion, and think DUH!

March 7, 2001
5:51 am
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Dilly
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As usual you have summed up my feelings exactly!When you say it's hard for parents today, I sort of agree, but, to be honest I ran my own company when the children were growing up, but I remember feeling it was sooo important for the little one to be with me, that I booked an adjoining office and put a little bed and play things in there and took her to work with me every morning (she was about (18mths old)with the connecting door always open, we were together as much as possible, I couldn't have managed any other way, the guilt was too much! So you can imagine my private views when my little SICK grand-daughter is deposited like a parcel at a baby-siters! Anyway the 2 days I look after her, I try to make up with lots of love and attention.

March 7, 2001
7:29 am
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janes
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As an educator...a "special " one at that..these shootings have real scary overtones. And I am in a tiny rural area.

The mentality of the media, politicians etc. drives me to distraction.

Where were the politicians when $$$$ for mental health were allocated? My state MICH. just had a !!!!!27 MILLION!!!! mistake found in the mental health budget....what programs are cut first? Those for kids.

My school had a child come back to us after FOUR YEARS in residential care. Back to his home where the problems started. To a mom who refused help from Mental health with in home care for this kid..."too many people at home already" Older som with drug and alcohal problems and she says "I'll have beer in my house if I want"

The son from residential care lasted a month. Made it through MAYBE 6 hours of schooling in that month. He's now back in a psychiatric hospital.

The world is getting to be a sad place..but I also think that the media tells us more than they did in 1960. Horrible things have always happened.

There was a school bombing in MIch. in the 30's.

I guess I think the biggest problem is the total lack of all sense any more.

My dad would call it commen sense but the problem is it isn't "commen" anymore.

I take huge issue with sentencing children as adults when it is the adult society that is letting the youth OF THE WORLD down.

I will vent more later....

gotta go deal with great kids and STPID ADMINISTRATORS...THAT...IS A WHOLE 'NOTHER STORY.

March 7, 2001
9:53 am
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Dilly
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Janes

I used to be what is called over here a "community parent" (not fosterer) which means I looked after the children and their interests whilst they were on remand awaiting a custodial sentence. The stories I could tell about the parenting background of these children would make your hair curl! The "couldn't care less" attitude of the families was unbelievable, most of the kids had been sexually abused, and some as young as two, had been forced into sexual acts with their siblings. How on earth can society expect these kids to turn out anything but scarred? But all the courts could do was "lock 'em up" asap. As you say. it's a whole other story, which I could write reams about!

March 7, 2001
9:51 pm
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Molly
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I have come to the conclusion, that it all boils down to money. I am beginning to believe my hypothisis, that there is a group of people that are running a scam on the world. They are furnishing the drugs,and disease to wipe out the weak. I think there was a conspiracy here in America to send the women to work to start the destruction of the family, and to build a new employment base, as well as tax base. I think some of the mental health has done more damage, to break down the family and religon, and with out those two elements, to keep folk together, what an easy target!!! I went back to my old clinic today, a couple of folk need to buy a house, and found out that just yesterday the contract for free medical care was cancelled due to a misfiled paper. Now they corrected the paper, but still no contract, and they had passed the audit just weeks before this. Now this is a place where people have come for the last 5 years, and waiting for treatment up to 3 hours, so what is up with that ? It was not a funding issue. But none the less, schools I don't think have cared here about quality, just ADA, the drug war is a joke, an employment base, and mental health, that is a joke completely with the ones who are dependent on the system for health. Its so sad. Armagedon, how do you spell it ? In the process any how.

March 8, 2001
6:05 am
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Dilly
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Wow Moll you have been digging deep into your soul to probe all the pain havn't you? Just remember though that you can only be responsible for your own little pool, not the whole sea of life. Perhaps if we can just keep our own pools clean, the ripples may eventually make it to the big sea!
I know it's soul destroying to see whats going on in these clinics where the vulnerable people are, but the fact that you are there, trying to help, says a lot for your spirituality, so don't depair, you are trying to do your bit, and them up there know that!

March 30, 2001
10:14 pm
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Alena
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Dilly........are you still out there somewhere?? Just wonderin.....

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