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am i abusive?
June 22, 2004
4:30 pm
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soledad77
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i'm 27 yeards old and i have only had four relationships in my life. the last one lasted about a year and a half, and it ended pretty badly.
i think that i'm the one who has a problem in my relationships. my previous boyfriends had all been very needy and the last one was very much emotionally unavailable.
god, i don't know where to start. i had always blamed my exes for the failure in the relationships, but after reviewing, i'm afraid to say it may be me.
i'm a good person, believe me i am, but when things get out of control i tend to react very badly. i'm controlling, jealous and insecure. and i want to change. i don't even know why i'm writing this, but i hope you have something to say.

June 22, 2004
6:07 pm
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CAMER
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been there, done that, I too had 4 previous relationships, always blaming the men for the relationship problems, but it was me to blame, cuz I stuck around, I put up with alot of crap from them, I tried to change them and it didn't work and then felt like a victim. All and all I only had me to blame, cuz I chose to get into these relationships. I too tried to control everything, the drinking, the jobs, the money and was so jealous, probably cuz the men were not totally committed and insecure cuz they made me feel less than. What I can offer you is work on
yourself, try to love yourself more so you can recognize these types of realtionships, and know that someday there will be a good man out there for you to meet. Oh yes, I don't think you are abusive at all...and we can only control ourselves, not others.

June 22, 2004
7:19 pm
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gingerleigh
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Right on, Camer. When we focus on what makes us happy outside of our relationships, we are much more easy-going and gentle with others. It takes time and practice. What brings you joy?

June 22, 2004
7:29 pm
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soledad77
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i can thik of the things that used to bring me joy. at this point, i'm not too sure anymore. i know it sounds pathetic, yet it's so true.

June 22, 2004
8:14 pm
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gingerleigh
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That's ok. Sometimes it takes a while to get back and reconnect with the things that make us truly happy. That's normal, especially at first. In a previous relationship, my partner used to belittle my pursuit of music. He said that because I was classically trained that I wasn't a real musician, since I understood theory. (Yes, I totally see the bulloney in that statement now.) I disconnected from my music. When that relationship ended in a firey hailstorm, I had to go back and find things that made me happy outside of the relationship. The relationship had become my world. I needed a new world, a bigger one. I got back into music. It took a while, and I did it in fits and starts, but kept after it. And now it's become the core of my life, rather than me putting everything I have into controlling a relationship, I'm putting that controlling energy into practice and performance. That leaves more positive things left over to put into a relationship.

Give yourself time. Don't be alarmed if you aren't able to find joy and passion in a hobby just like that *snapping fingers*. Be patient with yourself.

June 22, 2004
10:17 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Soledad,

The first step to getting better is realizing that you have a problem.

Perhaps you need to be sure that you don't give up your sense of self every time you get into a relationship. Like suggested above, keep your own interests and hobby's. By doing so, it will make you less clingy.

Z.

June 23, 2004
10:15 am
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skyla
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I know what you are speaking about .. I was abusive and I finished to be abused from what I thinked my best friend and partner.. he started drinking .. he beated me.. .

I always felt a victime but I was so controlling, jalous, manipulating.

Now I realised it I am so afraid of myself

June 23, 2004
12:18 pm
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soledad77
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hello skyla,
why do you say you are afraid of yourself? i agree when you say that you felt a victim, i felt like one too, many times. and now, i come to realize i was so manipulative all the time...in all my relationships. i don't know how to change that. any clues?

June 23, 2004
1:50 pm
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CAMER
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you shouldn't have to manipulate or seek out deals with loved ones, they should come naturally...if you have to manipulate that means you are basically "buying" their approval or love. Love should come naturally with
no jealously or manipulation.

Have you figured out why you try to
manipulate, don't these men want or do things for you without your asking?

June 23, 2004
2:05 pm
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kathygy
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Like zinnie said you have taken the first step, you acknowledge that you have a problem.

However, it sounds like the men you have picked aren't very healthy. Its easier to relate to a healthier man in a healthy way. Give some serious thought to why you pick these men. Your problaby reinacting childhood conflicts with these men.

I find that praying to God to remove unhealthy behaviors has helped me a lot. also therapy has been invaluable.

June 24, 2004
8:01 am
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skyla
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dear Camer, I rationally understand I do not have to manipulate and it actually does not happen at the beginning of a relationship, but when I really fall in love it changes...

I understood I manipulate because I have fear to be abandoned or because my self estime is low ( on the other side I reached so many professional goals and results in my life.. why that).

I lost my parents when I was very joung and I always feel an empy part inside of me

June 24, 2004
12:48 pm
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soledad77
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but if i've realized i have a problem, what is the next step? i really can't afford thearpy at this point, so i guess i'm out of options, huh?

June 24, 2004
7:44 pm
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Zinnie
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Soledad,

No, you are not out of options, haven't you heard about "self help" - you can help yourself. Come here for help and guidance, check out books on the subject. You can also check into counseling services that help people on a sliding scale, you might even qualify for free assistance.

Bottom line is just because you cannot afford counseling right now, does not mean that you cannot learn to deal with things in a better way.

Z.

June 25, 2004
9:04 am
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skyla
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The best book I read on this topic is Melody Beattie.. codependent no more .. fantastic also with excercises

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