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Am I a stalker???
June 30, 2000
9:04 pm
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jenjen
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To anyone:
My therapist is very nice. Our appts. are weekly, and I can call or email whenever I need to. I deal with depression/suicide, and I like knowing she's there.

Here's my problem: I want to talk to her every day. I want to call even when I have nothing to really tell her. I call her answering machine to here her voice. I know where she lives, and I drive by often. I have her home phone #, though I'm not sposed to. I even have her cell phone #.

I have not stalked her, or abused the info that I have, but I am really thinking it is sick to think like this ALL the time. Sometimes I want to get into a suicidal mode so that I can justify calling her. I'm sure all this would be helpful if I brought it up in therapy, but I am ashamed and shocked at myself for being so immature and desperate. Where are my inner strength to deal with my day to day feelings myself? How do I talk about her to her?

Am I sicker than I thought? I would hate someone trying to cling like this to me. I hate clinging to.

What can I do?

Jen

June 30, 2000
10:10 pm
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Spirit
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Talk to her.

July 2, 2000
2:17 am
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Iris
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This is normal in therapy,you don't have to be ashamed of it, it is humane. Be sure to bring it up in therapy and talk to your therapist about how you feel about it.

July 2, 2000
11:53 pm
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holly2001
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Yes, you are getting close to crossing the line. Limit yourself to your appointments, and be honest with her if you feel you're unable to focus on the sessions because of an attraction to her. Do not allow yourself to believe there is any chance of romantic relations with her. There is no chance. She is a professional, and she only wants to help you. If you blow it by becoming obsessed with her, you will have to leave her and find someone else. What's more, you could get yourself into big legal trouble if you interfere with her work. Chill out, get a grip! You are a grown man and you know what is right and wrong! Just writing a comment on this site shows that you know you are in the wrong here. Be a man and don't blur your therapy with your external life. If she is helping you, why would you risk it by developing feelings for her when you know they are just "projections" or whatever? Think RATIONALLY and you will answer your own questions. Don't be a STALKER, that is the LAMEST crime on the books.

July 3, 2000
5:23 am
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hazza
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Jen,
You have realsied the warning signs that youa re becoming too depepndent on your therapist - that is good that you have seen it.
Now you need to face this issue head on and deal with it.

Be honest with yourself. You want to get better right? well it takes time and practice.
read up all you can on dependency issues and talk to your therapist about how you can find ways to work through your dependency issues and learn to trust and like yourself more. You need constructive things to practice. you need to develop coping skills for when your depression hits you so that you can go about your day and wait for it to pass. You need to find things you can do to build up your esteem.
Notice my emphasis is on finding things to DO rather than just discussing it.
I think all recovery comes as much from the things you DO to bring about your own recovery far more that just understanding issues ina philosophical way (although that is important too, just not the whole deal)
I am sure if you ask many people here will be able to give you ideas of how they DEAL with their own issues. the things they do to help themselves. Sometimes the mothods suggested take time and repeating. it is no good trying them once and saying "I quit - it didn't work"

You can get through this - but you have to want it with all your ehart, and be prepared to throw away the security blanket of "not coping" and "depression"
it is scary trying a different approach but it feels better in the end!
think how a baby bird feels when it is about to fly for the first time! scary but necessary for it to move forward in its life to become a fledgling and then an adult.
we are all baby birds here learning to and practising flying.
peace
Hazza

July 3, 2000
2:47 pm
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jenjen
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holly, I am a woman, and not at all romantically interested in my therapist. The rest of what you said, though, is still probably correct.

All, thanks for the feedback. I do feel pretty lame.

Hazza, thanks for your kind kick in the pants. I am trying to redirect my thoughts, and to not act on anything I recognize as irrational. I do like to hide out in my depression. I don't have anywhere else to go when I'm overwhelmed. Too dependent on my therapist. OK. She doesn't really do anything helpful, my therapy is tedious, and I don't know what exactly I depend on in her. Mother/daughter issues? Just having someone care and worry about me is a new experience for me. I think that is what I crave. I do not want my security caught up in whether or not someone somewhere is worried about me. I really like it, though. I am even tempted to be "suicidal" more if it will cause her to express her concern more. I KNOW that's lame, and I KNOW I should talk to her about it, but I don't want to. I really don't want to.

Jen

July 3, 2000
5:23 pm
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heartfelt
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Some good thoughts proceed this post jenjen, take them to heart...talk straight to you therapist about what's going on. If they're any kind of therapist, they will stop you by teaching you.I know from experience only my therapist at that time did'nt stop me. My clinging to someone who taught me how to nurture in part in a healthy way. They're human as well, have there own issues, agendas, etc. So, your gut will tell you. I made the mistake of allowing a relationship to happen with a therapist and trust me, when your in therapy and have a intimate relationship with your therapist, mentor, etc.....it does'nt get any more unhealthy. If they;re good, they'll set things straight.ie.BOUNDRIES

July 3, 2000
9:42 pm
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Frieda
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What do you gain from your obsession? Is your therapist rewarding your clinginess? Together you must set some boundaries. It's real nice that she is so available, but maybe you need something more structured. You obviously have some transference issues, which can be really helpful in therapy, to identify what is really going on inside. But only if you're honest.

Did you crave maternal attention, and not get it? Did you stop hoping to ever find it, and then this woman seems to fill that aching, empty spot? Do you wish she felt more for you personally, but know that's wrong?

Even if you just tell her what you've said here, I bet you would find some resolve and definition for your relationship.

Like Heartfelt said, DON'T seek a personal relationship, but explore your longing in a healthy, safe therapeutic environment. You can say it here, now say it there... If you can't you may need to find a new therapist, but chances are you'll end up in the same position, having to deal with the very same thing, so press on!! THAT is what she's there for, to work this stuff out.

July 5, 2000
5:33 am
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hazza
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Hey Jen,
You are not lame!
you ahev done the first thing vital to recovery - you are not in denial about things about yourself that may be difficult to handle.

the fact that you can recognise that we can hide out in depression and suicidal thoughts is a major step. Well done.

that is such a hard concept to understand that sometimes we can be actually getting something out of our own negative behaviours. many people never seem to get this idea and understand it and you have. it is the cornerstone of recovery.

you ahve hit on 2 key points - one is that you are getting this hole inside filled by people outside of yourself (eg therapist) and that you "use" the depression to help that nourishment continue.
also the other key point you have is that you do not WANT this cycle to continue and that you recognise that is should be yourself who provides that nourishment.

this really is major stuff. You cannot force recovery, so take some time to chew those revelations over.

when you are feeling all these things pretty soon you will beome better and better at seeing it all happening.

when you start doing things you will be more and more bale to see patterns emerging and recpgnise your own behaviour.

recognise when you act more feeble that you really are (i was a classic at this one!) recognise when you allow yourself to perpetuate negative thoughts in your own head and take the thoughts further and further because the pain feels comfortable to you.

just right now concentrate on recognising all this stuff, and when you do try saying to yourself " oh right - i know what this is about, I know why I am feeling that way"

Old habits die hard, and often alot of this is habits. what else is going on in your life? do you have work or friends to distract you? you also need some time off from this every now and then to jsut relax and hang out!
take care
Hazza

July 5, 2000
5:19 pm
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jenjen
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I have decided to not let suicidal thoughts into my mind. To not let it be an option and to look for other relief from the depression. That solves half the obsession right there, because I am not manipulating. I have started some deep breathing practices. I am trying to focus on where I am, what I'm doing, to not get distracted by my obsessive thoughts or to distract myself from them. I'm not sure which. I feel a lot healthier already. I'm taking some classes, lots of friends. But the mind has a strong pull, and even they don't always distract me. I have made two new friends who are older, and who have taken me under wing, so to speak. Those relationships are much healthier, and I hope to shift some of this neediness. I do have 'mom' issues. Abandonment, estrangement, abuse. I have realized the good mom stuff wasn't there and that it never will be. I just want to be ok with that. Having these women care for me, heals the part of me that says, "If your own mother didn't love you..." stuff. I know you're going to say, Hazza, that I need to find that peace inside me, accept myself, love myself, etc. It's just much easier to believe and to do if there is someone in person who validates you. Maybe it is just a bridge, maybe it's a crutch. It is just very nice to be cared for, this way.

July 5, 2000
7:27 pm
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lew45
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Jenjen, I think this is very normal becouse when your with your therapist you feel very safe and secure. Also you know you can talk about anything and she won't judge you like others do sometimes. I also go to a therapist and she is so kind and I too also have her phone number but I don't abuss using it. I always feel much better after talking to her and would like to call her but know that sometimes i need to try and deal with these issues my self. I had a bad experience with a therapist that I got to close to and got hurt very badly just becouse i thought we could be friends and I hope I never let that happen again. Its reall funny cause I have tons of friends but yet when you feel this way they seem like the only one to talk to and I guess thats becouse you just need the help so bad that you think they will know what to do. Take care and I do understand.

July 7, 2000
8:31 am
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hazza
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Jen,
there is nothing wrong in developing good freidnships, this is vital.
So don't feel bad if you are letting these friendships fill that holw whilst you are learning - it takes time - you will know what is a healthy level and what isn't.

Youa re on the right track and well done, I have no criticism of what you say at all - you knwo your plan and what youa re doing, you are very self aware, you are going to do great.
Hugs
Hazza

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