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Am I a commitment phobic
October 6, 2004
3:26 pm
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Anonymous
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I really think I am. I get these relationships that I know are going to go NOWHERE, and I stay in them, then when things do start getting good, I book it out the door. It almost feels like I have these relationships to escape from reality and when they become a little to close to being reality and being real, I need to get out, that is why I have stuck with Mr. Jack for so long, it will never be reality or be real, it will always be this cycle. Is anyone else commitment phobic?

October 6, 2004
4:22 pm
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Cici
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I have a similar problem but after reading "Women who Love Too Much" I attributed it to my "dance."

I have been identified as having an ambivalent attachment style. The fundamental assumption in attachment research on infants is that sensitive responding by the parent to the infant's needs results in an infant who demonstrates secure attachment, while lack of such sensitive responding results in insecure attachment. Theorists have postulated several varieties of insecure attachment. Ainsworth originally proposed two: avoidant, and resistant (also called ambivalent). Categories of secure, avoidant, and resistant attachment were developed as a way of classifying infant behavior in the "strange situation."

Secure infants either seek closeness or contact or else greet the parent at a distance with a smile or wave.
Avoidant infants avoid the parent.
Resistant / ambivalent infants either passively or actively show hostility toward the parent.

Attachment theory provides not only a framework for understanding emotional reactions in infants, but also a framework for understanding love, loneliness, and grief in adults. Attachment styles in adults are thought to stem directly from the working models of oneself and others that were developed during childhood.

Secure adults find it relatively easy to get close to others and are comfortable depending on others and having others depend on them. Secure adults don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to them.
Avoidant adults are somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; they find it difficult to trust others completely, difficult to allow themselves to depend on others. Avoidant adults are nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want them to be more intimate than they feel comfortable being.
Anxious / ambivalent adults find that others are reluctant to get as close as they would like. Anxious / ambivalent adults often worry that their partner doesn't really love them or won't want to stay with them. Anxious / ambivalent adults want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.

Woah. Maybe that was overkill.

October 6, 2004
4:27 pm
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Tomboy
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I think that I may have a commitment problem. I am a gay male and I have the greatest boyfriend anyone could imagine. He treats me like a "Queen" no pun intended. For some reason I find myself constantly cheating on him with other men. I honestly don't understand why I do this because I am happy with him, but it seems like I am destined to ruin our relationship if I keep my unexcuseable behavior up. I don't know what to do.

October 6, 2004
4:37 pm
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Anonymous
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I can relate to both of you. Cici I was diagnoised by three psychologist with avoidant attachment disorder. The odd thing is that I don't like people getting close but if they are unavailable to me, I dont understand why and try to be with them. Seems like a combo of both. Other than that, I too destroy good relationships I like to use the term sabotage. I often feel physical feelings such as nausea and anxiety when people are too close or I feel uncomfortable and the only way to feel okay is to push them away, until I feel okay again. I know it is terrible, I hate it. I was adopted when I was two but didn't have anyone until I was 21/2 and got out here from india.

October 6, 2004
4:48 pm
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Cici
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I sometimes feel a slave to my attachment style. I find myself doing things and feelings out of control of myself....

October 6, 2004
4:54 pm
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Anonymous
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I do too, quite a bit, and I don't understand fully why i do what I do. It is the hardest thing knowing or feeling you will never have a relationship that most people have of being close and really knowing what caring is about.

October 7, 2004
10:20 am
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Anonymous
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I am a commitment phobic. I feel like I am in a AA meeting.

October 7, 2004
10:31 am
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bel
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I also do not like to commit to anything, I have always been this way. For me I think the reason I dont like to get close is that way I won't get hurt when it does not work out (the relationship) so I rather avoid commitment all together.

I know my issues stem from childhood and not being wanted by either parent and I tried really hard to make them love me and nothing ever worked. I love to feel wanted and needed but the minute someone gets to close I back away.

October 7, 2004
10:36 am
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Anonymous
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Yup know the feeling. Its great until you get them, they it freaks you out.

October 7, 2004
11:14 am
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CAMER
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same with me, I always fall for the addictive relations, when I myself am/was just truely addicted to men, in general I always needed to have any man by my side, whether he had something. And I too, once things get good, i on purposely try to make them fail. I think though, somehow deep in the back of my mind, I know the relationship is "bad", but getting out is harder, so I try to make the relationship even worse, hoping they may dump me...it all seemed like a big control issue for me.

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