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Am going to Die Tonight
February 1, 2013
10:12 pm
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missshannonwhite
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February 1, 2013
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I am going to kill myself tonight.  Am not looking for help or advice.  i just want someone to know why. 

 

I dont have anything to live for, mostlly i just want everything to stop.  I was put into care when i was seven, moved from home to home.

 

It all started when I
was sent to another home, at first everything was nice. I was the
only one she was fostering at that time. It was all going great I was
still in primary school at that time.

The first time she hit
me was when I was in the bath, I got excited because we were going to
the beach the next day and I was splashing water everywhere, she came
in and was angry. I tried not to think bad about her, because it was
my fault I made the mess, I wouldn’t eat all my dinner, I forgot to
feed the dogs, I didn’t want to hover, I was being noisy, this was
all my fault, there was always a reason why she would hit me.

No body would listen to
me, I never told them she would hit me, I made up things said I
didn’t like it there with no reason why, nothing worked.

I started to steal her
things, I thought she would throw me out, she didn’t and it got
worse.

 

My placement was always
meant to be temporary with her so the day came when they had a new
home to send me to I was happy, but not for long the sent me to an
old lady and her husband, it was quiet there everything was the same
everyday. one day she had a party to go to, she didnt really speak to
me I stayed in my bedroom and she did her own thing, I thought I
would just be left in my bed room, it turned out they were not coming
home that night and she didn’t want me to be in her house when she
wasn’t there.

She called me down that
night and asked me to help her with her grandsons bike, she wanted it
out of the shed, I went into the shed to get the bike and she locked
me in there. I was there the whole night.

 

I told the social
worker I had at that time, she didn’t believe me but this time I
stood up and refused to go back I wouldn’t get in there car I
wouldn’t move or speak to them.

Finally they gave up, I
heard my mother and my social worker talking about me as I stood at
the bathroom looking down at them, I knew at that moment that I
couldn’t ever relay on the adults to take care of me.

 

It turned out the only
place they could get at that time was my previous career I was nerves
but I thought anything was better that being in or near that shed
again, so I agreed.

 

It was like the first
time, she was nice and kind to me. At this point she was fostering 4
other boys but they had left that day on a camping trip. I kept quiet
and she never raised a hand to me, until the boys came back. At first
there were lovely to me, we played a lot together until the day that
the youngest of the boys had a accident in bed, I watched as she
smacked him and he cried, to me this was more painful than when she
hits me.

Form that day on when I
knew that he did something wrong I would do something worse, ever
night that he had an accident I would steal stuff, I would make a
mess and curse a lot, and this meant she forgot about him, but there
were times I couldn’t stop her or do anything, I was in my first
high school at the time I got brave enough to stand up for my self, I
had come home from school and got changed I put on mycoat and my
trainers and I walked into the living room, I remember everything so
clearly, I said to her that god says everyone’s sin will be found
out and that I was leaving, I never made it out of that house, she
had just got her nails done and she hit me hard on the mouth that was
my first and only scar I got from someone who wasn’t me. As I lay
there crying she locked all the door and windows, I begged her to let
me go.

 

She didn’t she asked
me what she would have to do to get me to stay, she asked me what she
had done that was wrong, she told me it was my own fault that I get
hit.

It wasn’t long after
that night that I climbed out of my bedroom window and ran away, I
had everything planned I would climb out the window, walk across the
fields to I hit the road I wanted and from there walk to the nearest
town I kept thinking she would catch me, but she never did. I made it
to the town and used a phone box to call a cab I didn’t know if it
would work but I used this cab service to get to school and they
didn’t ask twice about it.

 

Of course no one
believed me, they even called me a lair to my face, they said no one
would have me, I had no place to go, that was the first time my
mother stood up for me.

 

I was to live with her
but only temporary, I thought everything would be great now but I
should have known better, my mother is an alcoholic, she never hit me
but I was always scared for my safety. Her boyfriend was very abusive
when drunk and would bang the front door all night. I should mention
that he was the one who knocked out her two front teeth and to this
day she still hasn’t got them fixed.

One night I locked the
doors as usall and went to bed waking up to the sound of him banging
the front door, mum wanted to go down to open door, but I wouldn’t
let her, she then preceded to try climb out her bedroom window which
was on the top floor I pulled her down and she tried to bit me, I was
so scared and called the police and ran out her back door with my
hockey stick, I thought the police would be fast it took them hours
to respond, and all that time I was sitting out in the dark, I had
went down an alleyway and saw and electricity box in a alcove I sat
there till they came to find me, my sitter was drinking that night to
and her friend was driving down with her to get me, they accused me
of being drunk, at that time I was only 14.

 

I went to live with my
dad after this, he was getting married and I liked her, then one day
I answered the phone to my baby sister crying down the phone to me,
her placement had failed.

I called my dad and he
went to get her.

Though out all my life
the one thing I truly regret to this day was answering that phone
call.

 

My sister ruined my
life from that first day, people say I was just jealous, I wasn’t.

I started to get
depressed, my father never paid any attention to me even before my
sister came, I relied on his fiancée, however she also started to
ignore me. My sister and her did everything together, I was never
invited anywhere with them. My sister started to flaunt everything at
me, the sweets, the phone and movie's they went to see.

I spent ever day in my
room I never left for anything other than school, to eat of to go to
the bathroom.

I started a new High
School, and things got worse, I didn’t wear make up or do my hair
up, so the girls never liked me, the boys made fun of me for being
ugly and being in care.

One boy was the worse
he would kick me a lot and say abusive things to me.

 

Christmas that year my
dad had married before hand and his wife left him, taking all the
money. My sister fallowed behind not wanting to be there with out
her. My dad was devastated, he began to drink all the time, I
remember Christmas eve he was plastered but he still cooked the
turkey which we had with frozen chips as we had no money and we only
had a turkey because it was bought before my dads wife left.

My dad only got worse
when his wife tock out a non-molestration order against him.

Never in all the time
when I was there did he ever hit her, he loved her and gave her
everything she ever wanted.

From getting no
attention from him I now couldn’t get ride of him, I was constantly
looking after him, when he was drunk helping him upstairs running him
his baths, the constant supply of tea when he got up.

He went on one of his
drinking spree's as usually one night it went on for ages, I was
upstairs listening to music when I heard a smash. I ran down stairs
and the first thing I noticed was the blood it was everywhere and my
dad was sitting in the middle of it and all the glass, my other
sister was there that week and she ran out the back door to get help,
she came back with my next door neighbour who rang an ambulance. I
watched as he was taken away, my sitter went home to her foster, I
was left there, I couldn’t stay by myself and I didn’t know when
dad would be home, so I did the only thing I could I went to my dads
wife’s mothers, the place was a tip, she had lots of pets but
couldn’t clean up after them, there was poo everywhere, I blamed my
dads wife for everything, her mother knew that my dad never hit her
and wasn’t speaking to her.

 

I was there for two
weeks and my dad called to say I could come home, I was happy till he
told me that his wife came back. I couldn’t believe that he would
take her back after everything she did.

I told him that he
would have to chose between her or me, she go's or I do, and he
choose her.

 

After all this I was
sent to another foster but because I was sixteen know and was in a
different care team the place was different. I had my own room and
she would cook one meal an day and if I wanted anything else I made
it my self. All was good, to me it was like living in my own place
she never bothered me it was brilliant.

I got a job in a shop,
and cracks started to appear, she wouldn’t let me have, my money
she would keep the card from me and I was only allowed to lift what
she wanted me to.

One night I came in she
had opened a letter addressed to me I was so angry, and I told her
so,

and of course she told
me to pack my bags and get out, she thought I would start to cry and
beg and say sorry like her last radiance did, I didn’t and went up
to pack my stuff.

She called my mother
down, thinking that this will stop me, but from all my experience in
my life, one thing I learned is that if you got the chance to leave
you did, was better if you were told to than running away and it
being your fault.

So I wouldn’t stay
and my mother tock me to her new house.

My younger sister was
living there as this is were she left after my fathers, at first she
was happy to be there, but I soon learned it was because of the money
I had, however knowing this I didn’t stop buying her things, I just
wanted to be somewhere were I could stay for longer than 6 months.

 

It didn’t work out
though, my sister told me about how she and her friends would go on
porn sites and show off there body to people on web cam’s, at that
time my sister was only 13 years old. Of course I got worried, and
told my mother, she told social services and police, who all
confronted my sister, she of course said I was lying, but no one
believed her, this was all funny to me , thought my 11 years in care
no one would believe I word I said but when I told on someone else I
was believed.

She got volient ith my
mother and my dads wife came and got her.

It was only me and my
mother then.

 

I was still living with
my mother when I first hurt my self I used a metal nail file and
rubbed it hard against my knuckles, my mum was drunk and had told me
that this wasn’t my home when I tried to get this man out of the
house that she brought in. I was sitting up stairs crying and I
couldn’t stop, I kept banging my head on my bedroom door and I saw
the file sitting there. I stopped crying while I was doing it, and
then ever sense then I would hurt my self to stop crying.

 

My Aunt had moved in
with us soon after because she was kicked out of her house, it was
the usual drinking night and my mother, her friend, my dads wife’s
mother and my two aunts were in the kitchen drinking with the
excepting of my aunt that lives near my granny. I was walking down
the stairs to get a drink that night and they didn’t hear me, but I
heard them.

 

They were all going on
about me saying about my previous homes and that this wasn’t my
home, they said to my mother that I would break her heart like I did
everyone else, one of them said to her that she should hit me if
needed, mother said she couldn’t because of social services and
all, she didn’t say she would never she said she couldn’t like
she wanted to, they all said that she should be able to.

I ran upstairs but
couldn’t find my nail file, and I saw my scissors sitting on the
bed side table.

From that moment I cut
my self when it all got to much never anywhere noticeable, I avoid my
wrists, ankles and lower arms, I got of with the tops of my arms and
my thighs because I never wear shorts or skirts because I would look
silly in them, and I always had on a jacket, coat or a long sleeved
t-shirt.

 

My sister that was
there the day my dad went to hospital, came to live with my mother
for a wee while, when her placement broke down, she is great we
always got along brilliant, the only problem I had when she was here
is that I found out that everyone talks about me all the time, and
she would tell me what they say I always wanted to tell her to stop
telling me but I just couldn’t.

My aunts and Mum would
talk about me saying how I don’t cook, no one ever taught me how, I
had never been in a placement long enough to learn, this wasn’t my
fault. My sister said she stood up for me saying all of above but my
aunt that lives near my granny said it was all my fault. And every
time my sister would tell me something I just could stop myself and I
had another scar.

The pain took away the
tears and let me forget everything, I just couldn’t stop doing it.

 

As well as talking
about me my weight was constantly brought up, even in front of my
face they would tell me am getting fat, that I needed to lose weight.

One day the scales were
brought out they kept trying to get me on them, in the end I did but
wouldn’t let them see what I weigh, the questions came after,
asking me how fat I was, even not knowing how heavy I am there were
saying I needed to get on a diet.

I couldn’t understand
why they kept going on about it. That night I learned that if I cut
over a recent cut there was more blood and the pain was incredible.

 

I was in Tech Now
studding Interactive media, the class is full of boys no girls,
everything was fine to start of with, then one of the boys started to
get mean, even at one point before we all left for Xmas holidays he
kicked me. I started to worry this was going to be like high school.

Another boy seemed nice
to me, I would hang out with him in class, but gradually I realised
why he was hang out with me, I noticed the way he would look at me,
he would always want to see what top I was wearing, grabbing my scarf
a lot, just so he can “ accidentally” touch my breasts I got
nervous of this.When I came home that day I looked at myself and
wished I could disappear, not be fat or have big breast. I scratched
my self that night on my breast till I left red welt but my mother
noticed them and I said the cat next door did them, she accepted
this, and I have never cut my self there again.

 

Because of all this I
couldn’t bring my self to go to Tech after the holidays, every day
I would sit in the duck pond, while everyone thought I was in Tech,
of course this didn’t last long and my mother found out, no body
would listen to me or let me explain, mum wouldn’t let me cancel
the class because she then wouldn’t get her benefits.

That was the night I
moved to my thighs.

 

My life got worse,
nearly ever night I cut my self, even when nothing had happened that
day, I would be sitting listening to music, and I just wanted to do
it, I just wanted to hurt my self.

 

in the end i turned 18 and my mother stoped getting money for having me.  I should have known she would kick me out.  The Housing Exc wouldnt find me somewhere to live becaus ethey said i was still in a care order till i was 21. I was sent to simons community a charity thats addressing homelessness of young people, they have communitys all over the country.  I have been there six months now.  I spend all my time there.  Everyone here does drugs so i dont really fit in.  I never had anyone come visit me and my family never talk to me.  Everytime i walk down the town i keep looking out for that forster carer i even dream of her.  sometimes there fine she is just there, and some times there scary.  I cant forget her, i see people she knows all the time.  On the bus to tech i see one of the boys who lived there with me he dosnt ever look at me.  I found out by mistake that my sopport worker knows her.  All i ever wanted was to forget and have a normal life.  I go on facebook and see posts by my sisters about there life how good it is for them.  My dad hasnt spoken to me in years iv never meet my baby brother.  Everyone is moving on with their lifes but am not.  And if this is what my life is going to be i dont want it.

 

so i am going to overdose on a mix of sleeping tablets, paracetamol and penaceline i got last month for a bad throut

And hopeful i dont wake up, and if anyone comes looking on my laptop they will know why.

February 2, 2013
6:33 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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January 18, 2012
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Please don't do what you said you were going to do.  I have not even had a chance to get to know you here.  Just wait a few more days & maybe something might change.  You must have hope.  I don't know you, but it's against G-d's laws to take your own life.  You were put here for a reason & you fought to be born & stay alive.  No matter how hard your life is, you are doing your best.  Please write me back.

 

One Day

October 21, 2013
8:50 pm
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ShiningLight
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February 9, 2011
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Killing yourself doesn't actually solve everything even your problems. Life is precious and there are many people out there who are experiencing and suffering a more complicated problems than you. Don't lose hope. You have to hold on not only for yourself but for the people who still cares for you loves you.

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