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Always the last one to know
October 25, 2001
11:15 pm
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silence
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I thought I was a major stud today. For some reason 3 different girls came up to me and started a conversation for no reason at all. I was taking notes on what I did differently this morning when getting ready for school. I was getting eyed up and down all over the place today. I guess I've been losing a good deal of weight from not eating 3 days a week. Maybe I'm starting to look like my old teenage self again. The last encounter was a bit strange though. This girl just came from nowhere and began to give me morbid bits of info about weird alumni from the school. And just as quickly disappeared. I came home thinking my life was finally looking up for once. I sit down at my computer to get my email, and notice that the zipper on my jeans is broken. For all I know my fly has been open all day. Just another round of god kicking me in the nuts again. And I thoughty all those girls were smiling at me for different reasons. Why the hell didn't anyone say anything? I mean is it too much for someone to point out that my fly is open? Sure, I'd be embarrassed when it got pointed out, but I would've felt a lot better than coming home and realizing that I've been flashing people unintentionally all day.

October 25, 2001
11:28 pm
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Well, now hold on, let's try to keep our sense of humor here. There are worse things in life, no??

Were you going "commando" or did you have boxers on?? (smile) See? Could have been worse.

That doesn't mean that's why they were talking to you, maybe they didn't even notice and even if they did, so what, that still doesn't mean that's why they were attentive to you.
See how it goes tomorrow, but stay zipped.

I've had so many embarrasing things like that happen to me, and really, in the greater scheme of things, it's not a killer. Doesn't it happen to all guys at least once?? And I never know if I should tell them or let it go, I don't want to embarrass them to death. I've told and I've not told.
Getting so, these days, I have to double check as I walk out the door that I have my bra on the INSIDE of my blouse....ya just never know...

smile Silence........ 🙂

October 26, 2001
12:31 pm
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Molly
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Gosh, is this a catch 22, good if they noticed, or bad if they noticed.
Sorta like having a button open on a blouse huh? Gee, now if they call back, do they want you , or your body?
Oh, the problems you men have to deal with!!!! Common, celebrate the moment, don't break it down, have some fun with it. Hey if you had noticed, or they noticed, you could have said trick or treat?????????????? Get in the Spirit Mr.

October 26, 2001
6:41 pm
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silence
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Yeah. I was wearing the standard BVDs I've had since I started wearing underwear. But I've been thinking back all day to those moments. Were there any times when mini-me was at full mast? Or, did my zipper break on the way home? Or, has it been broken all week? A few questions I may never know the answers to. It's such a pain in the ass when I can't even feel the tiniest sense of victory in life. I should have known better when I drove home happy.

October 29, 2001
8:28 am
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silence
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nah... I'm a miserable looking bastard most of the time. Picture the guy you occasionally see who is always sitting by himself with a blank stare at an empty wall. That's me for the most part.

October 29, 2001
9:45 pm
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silence
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D'oh. You ask me to do the one thing I am worst at. I always liked the short story section of creative writing classes rather than the poetry section. The only poetry I do is non-rhyming prose that reads more like a short story. I'm not sure if that's what you want me to do.

Favorite comedian.... damn you ask some hard questions. I was an avid fan of comedy central back in the days when it was still called "Ha" and all they did was play Lucy reruns and stand up comics. If I had to choose one above any other... I guess I'd probably pick Steven Wright. I bet you probably saw that one coming a mile away too. But he strikes me the right way.

And I know embarrassment very well. In middle school they had to physically move me to another section because everybody else in the class was too busy making fun of me that nothing ever got done. This whole thing just took me by surprise because I've been able to fly under the radar for most of my post high school life. I wasn't expecting people to just suddenly come up and notice me last week.

The exception to all of this is in my film making class. I take pride in having a reputation for making really f*cked up movies in all the schools I've atttended. (I'm now in my 3rd college)

October 31, 2001
5:31 pm
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silence
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ok. Too much eye contact is just way too creepy. I'm beginning to think that I have some weird growth coming out of my face or something. I was sitting on a couch in between classes eating my pretzel lunch when a girl comes up and sits next to me. The whole time her head is turned in my direction. It stayed that way for half an hour. Twice I turned to look at her and she was staring directly into my eyes. After 30 minutes I finally gave in and asked her if she was in the class I was waiting for (Not that odd to ask since it's a big lecture class.) She said no, then got up and walked away. I don't know if this girl thought she knew me, or thought I was someone else, or if she had a sudden fixation on me that I ruined by speaking. All I know is that it creeped me out to have someone look at me for so long without any reason.

I mean, there was a guy in a friggin bat suit outside the window behind her, but she didn't look at him at all.

November 2, 2001
10:31 am
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pg lova
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Silence,

Don't even sweat that, it's really not worth the energy it takes. I'd say just look back at it and laugh. I'm gonna tell you a story that's probably worse than what you went through :o) I was 13 and visiting my Grandma, one day, she took me, my brother, my sister, and my cousin to the pool. I was flirting with this really cute girl, I mean this girl was a dime piece, she had a nice figure, a firm back side and a nice chest. Well, the life guard blew his whistle to inform us that it was time to get out of the pool for break. I didn't take the steps, I jumped up to climb out the side of the pool. when I jumped up, I forgot my swim trunks were too big (b/c I had to borrow a pair of my Grandpa's) and in front of almost 50 to 60 people my swim trunks fell and everything from my waist down was exposed. Everyone errupted in laughter even my Grandma. I was so embarassed and at the time I thought I would die in shame for the rest of my life over that. But, a time came when I just thought about it and laughed and even today when I tell that story, I laugh my head off! I'm even laughing right now. So, one day you'll look back on that day and laugh. Don't sweat it.

November 2, 2001
7:34 pm
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silence
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OK. I'll post something I wrote in class this week. I've taken to just free writing in my notebook while my teacher drones on and on.

My films (or videos until this semester) have always been about making people laugh. They usually work because I don't tell anybody what I work on until after the movie has been shown. And I always get the best reactions because most other people make movies that are so damn boring. There's only so many movies about watching people's friends playing guitar, or the filmmmaker's girlfriends committing suicide that you can watch before wanting to shoot someone. So I make movies that usually include, vomitting, squirting blood, baby abuse, groin kicks... anything to get the cheap laugh. It's usually much appreciated by the time I get to show my stuff.

I used to use special fx. In my old school we shot video and edited in premiere and after effects, so I was allowed to put in anything I wanted. I made a movie with my own green screen (cost me about $50 in green paper) that had mostly computer generated backgrounds and effects. You don't know how much fun you can have with green pieces of paper to cover missing body parts.

As for the guy in the bat suit. I have no idea. It was halloween... so if that's a good enough excuse I guess I can understand. But the guy was a freak. He stood at the top of a staircase outside in a grey kimono top, a red sash and belt, black lacquer pants, and huge black shiny wings that he occasionally extended to block someone from going up the stairs.

Hey PG. Yeah, I don't think I have any real flashing stories... except for when I was 7-8 years old and ran around the house naked. That didn't bother me though, because I liked to run around the house naked. My sister's friends always laughed at me, but I didn't care at the time. I just hate having my emotions brought up one moment and then dropped to the floor in the next. It's a cruel tease.

November 5, 2001
10:49 pm
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silence
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Great. Now I'm going to be farting smoke for the rest of the week. Sorry, it's just too weird for me to hear stuff like that. I'm only used to insults and criticisms. OK. I finally dragged my bookbag down to the basement, and I'll transcribe something I wrote in my notebook. Keep in mind that this is the crap I do when I am sitting alone for 2 hours between classes.

November 5, 2001
11:00 pm
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silence
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It's all in the eyes. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. They don't know jack sh*t. I think everyone misunderstands how to read eyes. A few people have told me I have pretty eyes because they are blue. I look in a mirror and I think they are plaijn and ordinary. That's mainly because the color of the iris doesn't interest me as much as the shape of the eyes.

During one month of my life I witnessed 2 sets of eyes that were the same, yet couldn't be more different from each other. One inspired me to love, the other to hate and fear.

Her eyes were black. Her brow curved down so much that you couldn't see the top or the bottom of the iris at all. When i looked deep into her eyes, I could only see a black pool that reflected my nerdy face back at me. The shape of her eyes made her look sad all of the time. Even when I was able to make her laugh out loud, her eyes still looked like they were on the verge of tears. She never cried though. The only thing I wanted to do was to hold her as she let it all out... but I never got to do it. She left my life as quickly as she came into it.

His eyes were black. Always wide open with a haunting stare. The whites in his eyes showed above and below the black ball in the center which created an intense beady stare. The cruelty in his eyes was unmatched. He could stop anyone from activity with just a simple glance. I feared those eyes. The only thing I wanted to do was to run away from him as far as I could. Instead, he turned out to be one of my only friends during the worst days of my life. He has been a mortal enemy every day since then.

Pretty blue eyes my ass. Tell me something other than the surface appearance. Cool, I think pretzels are on sale today.

November 6, 2001
9:28 am
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silence
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Well, I do have a lot of anger, but I have always pointed it in the right direction. I hate all those kids who used to beat the hell out of me and make fun of me every day at school. I hate all the adults who told me I had a bad attitude growing up. I hate my family for not being home most of the time, and not giving a crap what I said when they were. Other than that, I don't hate anyone unless they give me a reason to hate them.

November 6, 2001
5:05 pm
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silence
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Although I should add that this board isn't a good representation of me or who I am. What I write here is about 10 times more than I have actually spoken in the past 2 weeks. I find it very hard to verbalize what I want to say.

I'd like to say that I'm an artist, but I can't draw more than what I can see. Most people that have an inkling of artistic talent can doodle pretty good pictures in their notebook. I draw very well, when I am copying something else. I can draw a picture that is exactly like the original, but at a different size. But as for pulling an image out of my mind and drawing that, it's impossible for me to do.

I also want to say that I write interesting stories. Unfortunately I can only write about my day to day life... and that isn't all that spectacular for reading. Sure, I have all these great stories in my head, but I can't seem to get them out of there. I know exactly what I want to happen and what I want to say, but as soon as I try to type it out, writer's block sets in big time.

I guess I lied earlier. Some of my anger is misdirected towards myself. But who else is to blame when everything goes wrong?

November 7, 2001
10:14 pm
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silence
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Dude. That was a killer episode of south park tonight.

November 8, 2001
4:41 pm
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silence
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I think I've isolated my problem with talking to women. I have no tact at all. Today before class, a girl that sits near me was telling me how her head hurt because she accidently scraped her forehead with her nails last night. I truthfully responded, "Ahh. I thought they were zits."

Later, she recounted the story for another guy who said, "Really? I didn't notice anything at all." which was total bullsh*t because she has no bangs and there were 3 big red dots in the middle of her forehead.

Momma always said I should tell the truth even if it hurts.... I think momma was a liar too.

November 8, 2001
10:56 pm
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silence
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Of course, this is yet another reason I don't talk too much. Every time I open my mouth I say something stupid. Maybe I should pretend to be a mute from now on. At least then the teachers won't call on me for answers I don't have anyway.

November 9, 2001
9:56 pm
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silence
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What about staring down a girls shirt when she bends down in front of me for whatever reason? What's the rule on etiquette for that. Do I look down the whole time, take a quick glance then turn away, tell her she's showing, reach out and try the aussie death grip... I don't know. Just something that happened to me today... I went with the quick glance and then I turned my head to look at the bulletin board (which was unfortunately advertising the gay film festival coming up soon.)

November 10, 2001
9:01 am
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artist 2
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Ok - my input on the cleavage: You look to your satisfaction. Then you lean in really close to her ear and whisper that, although you tried not to look, she might want to button her shirt up higher. Then tell her how much you like her shampoo. Also, "I notice you have a physics 101 book. Here's my phone number if you ever need help studying." There are many ways to get connected to women. Every smooth gentlemanly show of interest is flattery to her, no matter who she is.

November 10, 2001
10:49 am
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gypsygirl
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My GF purposley does the cleavage thing to tease men. If I had enough I would be doing it too.

November 10, 2001
12:18 pm
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silence
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i don't know. When I hear other guys say those things I roll my eyes and wonder if they really think that crap works. You're saying that it does though... This doesn't exactly make me feel better about it.

My biggest problem still remains that my mouth doesn't want to open. just starting a conversation is my weakest point.

November 10, 2001
3:39 pm
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artist 2
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OK - so here's what you can do. Pretend you are mute. Speak with your eyes and your smile. Learn sign language. Explain later.

November 10, 2001
4:41 pm
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silence
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Right now I only know the one finger gesture when it comes to sign language... how bout if I just motion that I can't speak, and write little responses on a peice of paper. Or I can mime everything like Silent Bob

November 10, 2001
5:29 pm
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artist 2
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No here's what you do. True story: I met a person who was deaf and couldn't speak. We wrote notes back and forth. Writing a note and handing it to her with a chagrinned expression might do the trick. It's been done before.

November 10, 2001
11:09 pm
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silence
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Nah. i like feeling sorry for myself. If I wasn't always kicking myself in the ass, I would never get any exercise.

November 11, 2001
9:37 am
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silence
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OK. I'm at school. Hey. there's no one here. What am I supposed to do here again?

And I can't do that with my mom tonight. I guess I forgot to mention it before, but I want my family dead. As soon as I finally get out of the house, I will never see any of them again. There have been too many issues about broken trust and way too many past mistakes that can't be undone. What you're asking me to do would go against the non-stop hatred I have shown my family for the past 8 years. Actually, I don't mind one of my sisters... I kind of like her as a family member, but she lives in California (At least she got away.)

Sorry. I know you meant well with a suggestion that would work with most other people. But, family is not one of my strong points.

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