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Always Questioning If Leaving Was Right ...
November 11, 2005
8:48 pm
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lostanddelirious
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September 27, 2010
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Brief history...husband and i together 25yrs, work together in business (still), he was always addicted to something beer smoke work etc had pain then became an addicted to painkillers this is when he changed moody hard to talk to etc ... he's good somedays but, when your with him all the time it's very noticeable. We spit (6 months) my choice, I still love him dearly but, at the same time can't be with him it's so confusing. I'm second guessing myself always as to whether i made the right choice but, it's so hard cause of the history we have ... asked him today if we could get therapy maybe try and fix things and he said no it's over you made your choice and it really broke my heart how callous he can be. I'm really trying to keep my cool but, it's tough. I know going back to what we had these last 5 years is just not living but, at the same time it kills to throw it all alway dammit I hate doctors who give these pills out freely they just don't realize how they are killing families...I would appreciate anyones inspiration about now...

November 11, 2005
9:04 pm
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Randomwomen2
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September 29, 2010
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I believe that someone wont change untill they truly want to I comend you for having the courage to leave. I am on many difrent prescriptions but i see a specialist and i see a councler so not all docs are bad. I dont blame you for leaving. Can you imagin still living like that walking on eggshells all the time. I think a while down the line you would regret staying.

November 11, 2005
9:23 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Lost and welcome to the site.

I understand very well how you are feeling. Dealing with an addiction of any sort can be devestating to a family.

Have you considered attending Alanon meetings? In case you don't know, Alanon is a free support group for friends and families of alcoholics (or any addiction for that matter) based on the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It is a wonderful program full of people who are or have been where you are. There you will learn how to deal with things such as anger, guilt, anxiety, shame, etc. You will also learn the processes of acceptance, detachment, boundary setting, letting go, etc.

Alcoholism (addiction) is a disease. You did not cause it, you can not control it and you can not cure it.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to learn to keep the focus on yourself and your recovery from the affects of another's addiction.

This site is also a wonderful place to come for support, wisdom, insight and encouragement...so keep posting.

Take care,
Lolli

November 12, 2005
6:51 am
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nvr2late
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I had the same problem, did I do the right thing....now that we are offically apart, and I wonder where he is and what he is doing sometimes, but then I realize how peaceful it is without wondering where he is and what he is doing all the time!
It truly gets better with time, although I don't know if I had to see him everyday if I would feel that way.

You cannot make someone change, that took me a little time to realize!
They have to WANT it.
My life at the end was not what I wanted it to be, and I grew up, he did not.

It is super hard to let go, but in the end you let go of them, and you get back to YOU!

And then you realize you do not want to be treated that way ANYMORE! You are worthy of a life without drama! And always wondering....peaceful!

Stay strong!
Nvr2late

November 12, 2005
8:21 am
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mamacinnamon
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Hi, always questioning if leaving was right.....Well, all I can say is when you feel this way think back on how it was when you were together, coz if you go back now it will only be the same.

Unless he decides to get professional help to quit his addiction and works on it every day then you can be very sure that the way it was is the way it will be. He will always be an addict, just not using, if he chooses to stop.

Aside from his needing to stop and learn to deal w/ life and stay straight, you need to heal also. You have not walked away w/o some scars of your own.

I'm sorry things didn't work out. but it does not have to consume you. Look around and see the big beautiful world you have. Stand strong; heal you; be who you want you to be.

November 12, 2005
9:36 pm
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lostanddelirious
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Thanks for your comments. Today was a better day for me. I know what I have to do, I have to keep positive and focused on my needs. I just slip sometimes thinking about our younger relationship together, when it was good and fun and wishing it could be that way again, guess that's what hurts when you feel the love of your life loves his substance more than you! Somewhere along the line life gets in the way and you find yourself just going through the motions and accepting what life dishes at you, until you start to realize your dying inside just like they are and you know you've just gotta get out, or ten years will go by and you'll be weaker and weaker willed and then you'll never leave. Problem with this codependent thing is you're happy you left and sad you left all at the same time! Boy, that's really tough! Then, add in 'hormones' lets just say it can be an emotional roller coaster at times ... i'm glad i posted you've all helped! Thanks again!

November 12, 2005
9:39 pm
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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And remember, if staying together was right, nothing would keep you apart.

the mere fact that you are apart and he is willingly staying away and not willing to fix anything shows you made the right choice.

cuz if the right choice was to stay, nothing would keep you two apart.

November 12, 2005
9:44 pm
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elizabeth anne
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Alicat

You are so right. Thanks for that insight!!!!

November 13, 2005
8:34 am
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nvr2late
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I agree with that, I waited for the light to come on for him, miss me and the kids and realize that we are all he wanted...did not happen! 🙁
and realized HE is going on with life....not in a great way...but drinking is his priority now (always has been)
Now I know that I did the right thing and someday to be happier...you just have to have faith there is something more out there for you!

And there is!

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