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Always lonely,
June 30, 2007
9:36 pm
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DanoPud
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Always Lonely Never Alone
When I was just a little boy,
I lived my life in fear.
My Mother left and my Dad drank,
So I thought I’d try a beer.
Had some beers, smoked some weed,
And it washed away my fears.
At 12 years old I didn’t know
I’d be screwed up for years.
I liked to drink in the morning,
The afternoon and all night
I was such an angry person,
When I drank I’d always fight.
It never really mattered to me,
If I won a fight or lost
The booze and drugs had a grip on me,
No matter what the cost.
Sherry was the girl I loved,
When she left me, I was floored.
She took our daughter Tiffany
The little girl that I adored.
You’d think that I would see the light,
And quit the dope and booze.
I just drank more and things got worse,
I had nothing left to lose.

I drank to kill the heartache,
That overwhelming pain.
I drank to forget the things I’d done,
To erase the guilt and shame.
I had to leave our little town,
The only place I’d known.
I’d used up my friends and family,
Then I drank because I was alone.
I’d awaken in a jail cell,
Remorseful and full of fright
What’s the charges officer?
Where’d you pick me up last night?
You assaulted another man
And tried to resisted arrest.
Off to jail I go again,
To give my mind and body a much needed rest.
When I get out I’ll change my ways,
This time it won’t be the same
I’ve learned my lesson I know where I went wrong.
I can beat this drinking game.
Upon my release I stop in for one,
Just to see how it goes.
Two hours latter I’m under arrest,
For breaking a stranger’s nose.

I’m out of control I really need help,
And I can drink no more.
Off to treatment I drag my ass,
But they kick me out the door.
Come back when you’re ready,
To be honest about your life so far.
I’ll show them bastards who’s a drunk,
So I go to the nearest bar.
I’m in and out of several jails,
Treatments centers and the nuthouse boot.
I’m doing armed robberies, selling drugs,
I really need the loot.
I tell myself I’m not that bad,
I just got shit going on in my head.
Suicide crossed my mind,
I’d be better off if I were dead.
The snakes and spiders attack me,
And my eyes fill up with tears
They are going up my ass, down my throat
And in my nose and ears
God please just let me die,
So I can cause no one more harm
I’m strapped to a stretcher shaking,
With an IV in my arm

I’m not a child of 12 any more.
I’m a drunkard at 26 years old.
The remorse, guilt, shame and fear,
Are now 1,000 fold
I’ve lost everything I cared about,
Mostly the 2 girls that I love
I’m beaten enough to say an honest pray,
To the Almighty God above
This prayer is not like the others I’ve prayed,
While trying to swing a deal
This pray is from a broken, hopeless man,
And for the first time it is real
I ask dear God please be with me,
Help me to get sober and clean,
Help me be honest with myself,
And never again be mean.

I’ve been sober for many years now,
And my life is just my life
God has given me David and Stacey,
But he has cursed me with a wife
I have a total family now,
But I still feel so alone
I have house to live in,
But you could hardly call it home.

Into my life comes beautiful Dee,
The woman of my dreams
I think I’ve found some happiness,
I guess I’m wrong it seems.
Then I go and fall in love,
But she doesn’t feel the same
Again I feel the heartache, loneliness
And that overwhelming pain
How come I care so much for her?
I really don’t know why
She held my hand and kissed my lips,
But then began to cry.
She told me that she loved me,
But she was in a drunken state
She forgot all that was said and done that night,
But to remember is my fate
On the outside she is confident,
But I know she hurts inside
Almost ever night she drinks too much,
And in the bottle tries to hide.
She must awaken to remorse,
Fear, guilt and shame
I know exactly what she is going through,
It’s such an awful game

She starts off having a few drinks;
She is really lots of fun
I’ve tried to talk with her about the things
She has said and done
She says she doesn’t want to talk,
I was drunk and don’t recall
Sometimes it hurts me really bad;
I am cursed to remember all
Sometimes she drinks to kill her heartache,
That overwhelming pain
To forget the things she’s said and done,
To erase the guilt and shame
She was upset and very angry,
As she yelled into the phone
Because of it she almost lost,
One of the best friends she has known
She has to know how much I care,
And that I understand her pain,
There is not much more I can do for her,
And it’s driving me insane.
I’ve seen a different side of her,
Not many get to see,
It might be why my feelings for her,
Have had such an effect on me.

Stacey asked me why, do you look so sad.
Dad why are you so down?
I think I got to give up on Dee,
I said with a subtle little frown
When I see you two together,
You’re both so happy and care free
Trust me Dad; she really likes you too,
Be patient and you’ll see
She’s really pretty and I like her Dad,
Don’t quit on her so soon
Even if you can’t deliver,
Offer her the moon
Almighty God please comfort her,
Trusting in him I start to pray
Protect her during the night time
And guide her through the day
Be there for Sherry, Tiffany, Stacey
And David my only son
Teach them how to walk through life,
But to know when they should run
What ever happens in my life dear God,
Please never let me moan
I may be lonely sometimes,
But I know I’m not ALONE!

June 30, 2007
10:21 pm
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Randomwomen2
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((((DanoPud))))

June 30, 2007
10:53 pm
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DanoPud
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Thanks Randomwomen2 I am haviing a tuff time dealing with things right now but I know I will be okay. I am always optimistic, even when things look really bad.

June 30, 2007
11:03 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Are you new here? I dont think that I have seen you around. If you are new Welcome. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I am so so happy to hear that you Trust in God. I am a sunday school teacher. I just want to let you know that we can get in trouble by talking about God. But you can talk about prayer and higher power. I hate that the site is that way but it is.

June 30, 2007
11:08 pm
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DanoPud
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I will tell you a bit about me and where I am at. I do have a higher power, I am a sober alcoholic/drug addict and have been sober since May 04, 1988. Every part of my life right now is good. Job, money, friends, kids etc...the one thing that is messed is my relationships, I just ended a 18 year marriage to a woman that I don't hate or anything, it was jsut that there was nothing there. She became like a 16 year old daughter that I didhnh't like very much, but felt responsible for. And then came my New Friend....

June 30, 2007
11:13 pm
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Randomwomen2
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congratulations to be sober and clean for so many years that's quiet an accomplishment. I hope that you are very proud of yourself.

June 30, 2007
11:15 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I just saw your previous thread so sorry no one replied. I know I was too bussy looking for someone to reply to mine. ((HUGS))

June 30, 2007
11:23 pm
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DanoPud
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This woman in the poem has kind of consumed me the last year or more. I am also an addictions worker and I understand what has happened to us. I also understand about some of the abuse issues she hasn't dealt with and my own abandonment issues I am dealing with. If it was a client I would be able to see everything clearly, but because it is my own shit I am having the most difficult time trying to deal with our Friendship/relationship/emeshment/codependantcy....what ever it is we have don't have want and don't want, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

June 30, 2007
11:26 pm
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Randomwomen2
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It is so much easier to deal with someone elses issues rather than your own. I totally understand that.

June 30, 2007
11:34 pm
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DanoPud
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WELL I guess thats just it I used to be a really a** in my drinking days. Then I changed and now sometimes I think i went to far the other way. But through out my lifetime I have treated the woman that I fall for like gold and do what ever I can to try and meet there wants and needs, but my own wants needs and feelings and emotions are un-met and then I feel used by the people that I love and care about. Then they seem to go for another loser that uses and abuses them in some way. I just don't get it, why do I still even bother to try. I am working through the steps in Codependents' guide to the 12 step, by Melody Beattie.

June 30, 2007
11:52 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Sorry it took me so long to reply I have a friend that is in the hospital and I was requesting prayer. Sweetheart I still feel used by people. Continute working through that book sweetheart. I know I am going to re read my self help book

July 1, 2007
12:16 am
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DanoPud
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Thank you for talking with me, at least it stopped the lonliness for a bit. Hopefully I will talk with you again.

July 1, 2007
12:22 am
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Randomwomen2
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Yes I will make sure to check in and see how you are doing.

July 1, 2007
12:38 am
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DanoPud
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maybe before I go off line here, you could tell me something about you, or the struggles and triumphs you've been through or are going through

July 1, 2007
12:42 am
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Randomwomen2
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Well I was sexually abused by my mother and father from the age of 3 until I was 13 I was forced to use drugs and alcohol and at the age if 12 I had a miscarriage. I came here 2 years ago finally ready to start dealing with it all

July 1, 2007
4:04 am
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DanoPud
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Wow it sounds like you have been through the mill. Those types of abuse are really hard to deal with, I'm so sorry that that kind of stuff happened to you. My prayers are with you, sorry I went off so fast, but I am at work right now and had to go deal with clients coming in.

July 2, 2007
1:17 am
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Randomwomen2
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well thank you sweetheart for the prayers. How are you doing today. I am headed off to bed but I will check back in tomarrow

July 2, 2007
2:48 am
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DanoPud
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Hi I am ok today. I know a little more about what I have to do and how I have to go about it. I also know that I am going to have to let my friend deal with her own stuff, that there is nothing I can do to help her, the more I try the harder it is for me and I am not really helping her when I protect her from herself, so I will have to let go and let god.

July 2, 2007
4:49 am
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startingover
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Hi Dano and welcome

You are very creative, are you a musician or artist?

I am a nurse who works nights, so when I'm off I do the insomniac thing, as in tonight.

The title of your post struck me. I am lonely, too, although most people wouldn't suspect it. I have a lot of friends, usualyy have someone to do something with, but I am not close to my family (but working hard on that) and I don't date, because I consider myself a loser magnet (for now, working hard on that, too).

My crisis that brought me here was my boyfriend-turned-friend when his 19 year-old son died of a heroin OD. Much caretaking on my part. He was truly grieving for awhile, then a time came which I didn't see and he didn't share that he started using heroin himself and dating crackhead women. I think he was doing crack all along actually. I didn't know, and that bothered me, he was quite manipulative, but I would like to think I would recognize the signs of use as a mother of teenagers and as a nurse. I miss him, I miss his son, I miss what I thought he was once, and the companionship.

I don't miss the rollercoaster of emotions, the feeling of being used, the heartache when I got dumped. I don't miss the overwhelming grief at the loss of his son. I have been able to grieve in a more healthy way and move on.

I am enjoying the time I have now without feeling divided between him and my children. But, I am lonely a lot, too, and I do think that I will be OK one day, it still is a little scary. Will no one ever love me? Will I always be alone? You know the thoughts.

Welcome, you sound very sincere, and I hope you get some good responses.

SO

July 2, 2007
7:38 am
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DanoPud
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thank you, that poem was written about 2 years ago. The girl in the poem is living with another guy right now. She is 33 and he is 20 and he is another guy that uses and abuses her. She is pregnant, scared and trying to make things work. She calls me, texts me, e-mails me almost every day. I am still one of if not her best freind. And yes the loneliness for me is hard at times but I know I am going to be alright.
I work for a hospital too, I am an addictions councellor. lol

July 2, 2007
8:51 pm
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startingover
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Well good for you, you help others and you can certainly understand some of what is going on with them. I'm no angel myself, and I think it helps to be "human".

I'm glad you know you are going to be allright. Doesn't help a lot when you're lonely now, though, does it? I tell myself I'm "practicing" now, have to get myself together before I'm worth a damn to anyone else.It must be hard to hear from your former friend every day, especially if she's not doing well. It's a helpless feeling, I imagine. However, it reminds me that my former ex told me he "would always be there for me", and he is not. I think he was full of lies.
SO

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