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always going for the wrong person...
May 30, 2006
5:52 pm
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loving
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I keep doing it - we all keep doing it - why?

Just about every relationship in my life has been with someone that was totally wrong for me - but I always do it and end up heartbroken.

Either they were womanisers, alcoholics, married (once - against everything I said I'd ever do), too young or just "good time guys". I really always wanted a "normal, healthy" relationship but never, ever seem to be in one with a guy who wanted to give as well as take. Why am I choosing guys like that when it's not what I want? Anyone else doing the same thing and how do we change that because it always hurts so much.

May 30, 2006
6:43 pm
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Soulsister
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Yes, Yes, YEs. Yes...every single time!!! They are exactly like my dad...you would think you would get smarter as you get older but "B" is more like him then the one I was married too...at least for me..it is choosing what I've grown up with..the familiar type..liek my dad...druggy alky...very unloved by thier parents..just like my dad...but usually they really love me, are not mean or abusive in that way..just unavailable because of the drugs. My dad is very loving...just like "B" never had his dad just like "b' did drugs and never worked..just like "B" so, that's my take on it. wish I could tell you how to change this. I've read books..and I've tried...it never seems to be any different with the next realationship...sometimes..I just feel like..I'll just keep trying to fix the one I've got..until..maybe they wake up.....

Love ya..honey...Soul

May 30, 2006
6:51 pm
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loving
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I read that if we have issues in our childhoods with our parents, we keep shoosing the same kind op people so we can heal the pain - sort of exorcise it somehow - but we just end up with more of the same. I think we have to try and be with people who CAN loves us, rather than the ones we can't, however hard they try or may want to. I want to break the pattern don't you?

May 30, 2006
6:58 pm
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Soulsister
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Yes...I really do...but I've tried to love other "types" of people and even the love doesn't even come close...it's very frustrating..I think the one I feel is my Soulmate..is the one that is the most screwed up...sometimes..I just want to be loved so bad..that I'll take the rest along with it.

I know, that we either have to get the help to change our choces..or they do..I'd prefer he does..but It will probably end up being me...who has to..in order to keep sane...

I personally, if the choice is unhealthy or alone.. I want to choose alone...but I know I'd choose unhealthy..it's very, very hard...

🙁

May 30, 2006
7:01 pm
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Mordrin
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Maybe first off...stop trying too hard to make things click and understand that you are most likely attracted to the wrong person.
Also you might want to change the local of your huntin' grounds.

The Dudes are always first on their best behavior and trying to impress.
Slow it down and pace out the courting process a bit and get to know and understand the true personality of the person of your affection before committing yourself.

The very best lasting relationships are usually consumated on a low boil versus a hot to trot encounters.

Soulsister has it right as many womwn are attracted to men like their fathers and this doesn't make it right by any means.

May 30, 2006
7:08 pm
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loving
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me too!

Maybe it's just a feeling we're used to.... not feeling loved and it's familiar - a sort of comfort zone. We just have to learn to change the zone - somehow!

I've always gone for people who are unavailable emotionally which is the exact opposite to what I want and need and it always hurts,,,,

I've been seeing a guy recently who is quite a bit younger than me so it really isn't going anywhere. We have talked about it and said we must both find what we need but somehow it still continues. the hardest thing is feeling so much and having to accept that we both have to look elsewhere. The thing is he's probably the closest to what I need and vice versa in every way but the age divide which makes it really hard. He wants to get married and have kids etc and i've done all that so it's really not an option for us now. He's late startin all that and I was young starting it so it's not just the years - i have already lived a whole life he wants to start. It's really sad because there is so much love between us but we can't allow ourselves to do all the every day things together because that makes it so much more intimate somehow and makes the reality harder to bear. He treats me better too than just about anyone I have ever known.

May 30, 2006
7:21 pm
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loving
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M,

I know you're right but when I say "choose" it's just as much "get chosen by" and going along with it!
The younger guy I'm talking about has beenjust like you described - a slow buner emotionally even though it started off fast! It just seemed to get clser slowly without or even relising it whilst at the same time we're both trying to be realistic and accept we don't have a future. I've never been in a situation like this before and find it confusing.

May 30, 2006
7:25 pm
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loving
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It's kind of making me realise that it is possible to really love someone but not be with them and accept it because you know it's the right thing for you both. Unlike our "fairy-story" beliefs about having to be with someone you love, all the time, completely and forever. This is new to me and it's both very hard someimtes, sad often but a kind of beautiful thing at the same time. I just have to not allow myself ever to consider we have a future or I will fall apart.

May 30, 2006
7:29 pm
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loving
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It still goes back to the subject of this thread though - being with the wrong person and investin my enotions in something that isn't right for me. We just all have different reasons, with different people why it's wrong but it
still amounts to the same thing. So why not wait for someone who can be right that's my question?

May 30, 2006
9:55 pm
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D dog
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"Slow it down and pace out the courting process a bit and get to know and understand the true personality of the person of your affection before committing yourself."

Hey, Mordrin, that's some damn good advice there.

Like me, jump in and ask questions later...then never get around to asking them, cuz I don't wanna know the answers.

Why the hell is it that none of us can feel "complete" without someone else? Me included, it would seem...and then the person is just TOTALLY the wrong person, and still, we can't let go?

What's up with that?

Slow it down. Yeah, I like that.

Loving -

"It's kind of making me realise that it is possible to really love someone but not be with them and accept it because you know it's the right thing for you both."

I am so there. Just so you know, you are not the only one. It's a noble decision and a very very hard one to live with. It's been pretty much killing me for going on 3 years...

Realize, however, that a great friendship is always better than a bad relationship. Value the dude for who he is (once you have slowed down and discovered that), and go from there. I mean - consider the reality of the other person. If you really love him and want what's best for him, and you know you're not it, then you gotta let it go.

So am I following my own advice? Hell, no! LOL. But it's out there, so there ya go.

;o)

May 30, 2006
10:00 pm
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loving
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DD,

Hard isn't it but you're right, for the first time in my life I can love and value someone this much without thinking I have to "be" with them and just value and love them for what we gave/give to each other. It's a really nice place to be on the one had and just the worst on the other. What's your story? Why can't you be with the person you love?

May 30, 2006
10:32 pm
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D dog
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Hey, I was hoping you'd ask that. Gotta get this out.

He was a dude who I met in a bar (go figure), and after one conversation it was like, "BING!" The connection, for me, was unbelieveable. He's actually the first guy I ever asked out. And I wasn't even drunk at the time.

Anyway, I had just come out of a bad marriage and a couple bad relationships, and was pretty much desperate for some the old self-validation...

So we hooked up, and he subsequently let me know (afterwards, typical dude, LOL) that he "enjoyed being single" and didn't want to date me. Also in a way, I think he knew that I was basically an insecure person who was going thru a rough time, who wouldn't be right for him. I was pissed off, but instead of looking at the reality of the situation and accepting it, and stopping and taking the time to look at myself and my own motives, I basically did a runner and started dating one his friends. The ubiquitos H, that I have discussed in depth on the site for over a year. Don't get me started on that one, it's been pure hell.

So after H cheated on me last December, I started emailing said dude...and wouldn't ya know - now that I have gotten to know him better - as a person, and not a hook up, and not someone to jump on (so to speak) in a quest for self-validation...well, I saw him a week or so ago (for the first time in over a year, can you believe that?), and I was, and remain, just frankly stunned by the incredibly awesome person that he is. I mean, here's the point - the dude may have started out as a hook up, but he is now, in my eyes at least, the absolute perfect person that I would love to spend the rest of my life with.

Ya know what the best thing about being with him again was? Doing a f**king crossword puzzle together. This may not make sense to most people - actually, it doesn't to me right now, but let's go with it - but, in comparison to how I used to feel and what I thought I wanted...well, I've realized that 16 down and 9 across means a hell of a lot more than what happens in the bedroom. By that, I mean...there is a huge difference in wanting to be with someone because you enjoy the same things, instead of using someone else to run away from your own fear.

So why can't I be with him? Maybe because I am still running. Or maybe he is. I don't know...it's not like I'm going to bring up the subject with him, cuz I know what he'll say. And to lose him as a friend would be pretty f**king bad right now...especially cuz I know that he's in my life for a reason - a "cosmic do-over", if you will...let's not make the same f**king mistake twice...let's learn what love really is, because until we do, it will never come to us.

I have faith that if he isn't the one, there will be a damn good reason for it. Maybe - as I am not some type of deity - I can't see the reason right now, but I know it's there.

I would do anything to be with him - hell, I'd even quit drinking - actually when I saw him the LAST thing I wanted to do was get drunk (makes the puzzle clues harder to read - LOL), but maybe right now I just have more to learn.

I don't know.

May 30, 2006
10:39 pm
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loving
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I think you guys have a good chance - doings the little every-day things together is sometimes much more intimate than the pysical intimate things and so important. Why don't you just take it easy for a while and really get to know each other as friens and then see what happens... baby steps and all that.

May 30, 2006
10:58 pm
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D dog
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Well, the problem there is that we broke out the Grey Goose vodka and ended up sleeping together anyway...LOL. Haven't really talked to him since, and wish now that I had slept on the couch as we originally agreed upon...

But I think he's backing off bigtime. So part of me goes, Oh great - was this whole friendship thing a clever ruse to get me into bed cuz he was lonely? Or maybe it was a ruse on my part?

I don't believe that..what I do believe is that sometimes people purposely belittle what they have because they are afraid of it. Dudes especially. But maybe me too.

Though I can sit here and pour my heart out to you guys - and thru doing so, actually make some sense of what I'm going thru...hey, Loving - this is YOUR thread! LOL - sorry!! I have a habit of doing that.

Thanx for askin', anyway -

;o)

May 30, 2006
11:04 pm
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loving
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DD,

Hey, no problem - it's for everyone - whatever they want to share.

Just because you ended up sleeping together doesn't mean you can't still just be a little cool, and not rush in etc. He's probably expecting you to call etc if he doesn't which is what scares him.. so don't! Let him be the first to come forward again - it might take a while whilst he checks out your response levels - but in time - his time- I bet he does!

May 30, 2006
11:09 pm
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loving
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The great thing about these threads is that we can all vent to each other - work things out a bit - so we don't do it all the time with the people in our lives and drive them crazy! Hopefully, we can all be a little calmer when we deal with our everday issues then... at least that's what it does to help me.

May 30, 2006
11:19 pm
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D dog
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I hope so. I mean, I've sent him a few emails since then...not about him and me, just about life and the same stuff we'd been discussing previously...I'm still living with H and going thru a rough time, and the whole thing started out because we were able to share our views on love and loneliness...but the last one I sent was just basically thanking him for being there (which is 100 percent honest, and just being happy for him (he just bought a house). I really mean that - what matters to me the most is that the dude is happy...if it can't be with me, well - who the hell am I to make that judgement call? Not anyone - not really.

So yeah, I agree with your response on this one. End of emails and phone calls - for now. After my experience with H, I have learned that if someone doesn't come to you, there's no point. He knows pretty much all he has to right now...I've opened up to him about a lot of things, as he has to me...so it's there on the table. What he does with it now is his call.

Wow - I just realized that I am posting on the site about SOMEONE ELSE besides H! That is just absolutely liberating! LOL!

Let's hope that I don't let this one get dysfunctional as well...

May 30, 2006
11:23 pm
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loving
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Look at the evening as an aspirin - temporary pain relief maybe - but you now know what it feels like to be without the pain for a while so remember that feeling and hang on to it!

May 30, 2006
11:34 pm
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D dog
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Absolutely.

;o)

Thanks.

May 31, 2006
10:28 pm
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dreamer123
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Makes you wonder if there really is the right one for each and everyone of us out there. Just when you think you are ready to give up that dream, then there someone appears who makes you see your dream coming true. But after so many bad relationships, you just dont know if you are sure it is what you think you are seeing. It is mind boggling. YOu just have to go with your gutt instinct after this point and pray for the best. (the best for who??? well, whoever it is meant to be best for). Any way Good luck to everyone else out there. I am 38 and I have no clue if my relationship will make it through the next week one minute and the next minute I see it as a long term growing old thing. I dont know. Dont have a clue about it all.

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