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always alone
April 18, 2001
11:42 am
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silence
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I'm not sure where to begin here. I guess I'll state the main problem that has been going through my mind for the past few days. I think I have abandonment issues. I never thought I would ever have it, but it's the only conclusion I can come to at this point.

I'm 24, male, in between colleges, still living at home, no job, no significant other, not quite sure about any friends right now either.

I always considered myself the ultimate loner. I don't mean that to sound cool, or anything. I used to say it to myself like it was an accomplishment. But I don't think I ever had much of a choice in the whole matter. I try to be nice, I try to make friends when I'm outside of the house. Eventually, though, something always goes wrong. Sometimes it is completely my fault, other times it seems that god just likes to mess with me.

When I was 7 I moved to a new area. It took a while for me to get along with the new kids since I had no athletic talent and couldn't fight to save my life, but I eventually found 2 friends that didn't mind having me around. That summer they both moved away. The next school year I was able to scrape together 2 more friends whom I was able hang on to a few years. In 6th grade that all came to a halt when they both turned on me and became my 2 worst enemies at the school. I'm not sure what set it off. But I think found more popular friends than me and needed to show them that I was not a part of their lives.

I spent the next 2 years without only one friend from swimming practice. That came to an end during the 8th grade when he moved away. Also I developed into the stinky kid to to my lack of proper oral hygiene. Needless to say that Jr. High was not the best of times.

I have 2 older sisters who get along with each other great and always go out together. I, being the "little brother," got to stay home and play video games. My parents worked all day so I pretty much grew up alone.

Upon entering high school I made friends with a guy 1 year older than me who was just about as nerdy as I was. By then I started brushing my teeth regularly so I didn't have too much of a problem getting beaten up at school. This new friend of mine "D" was really just a weekend movie buddy. Good to go out of the house and do something with someone who shares a few interests.

He was my only friend all throughout high school. Eventually I finally started growing and instead of being the short, fat, smelly kid I was the big, fat, loser that nobody talked to. I was able to pick up from bit and pieces of slipped gossip that the whole school thought I was both gay and on drugs. Oh well. By that point I stopped caring about what everybody else thought.

During my junior year I failed a suicide attempt and when I recovered I ran away from home. The cops picked me up. My parents having no knowledge of anything that had happened were suddenly freaked out. So into the juvenile psych ward I went.

For the next 2 months I actually made friends... with rape victims, drug addicts, and abusive people all my own age. It was in the hospital that I lost my virginity and also got dumped by a girl who was also locked in there. Actually she dumped me as soon as she got out of the hospital. As did all of my new friends. It seems that everybody was too willing to snip all connections with the hosiptal when they were released.

So I went back to school alone, with 1 sexual encounter under my belt. Whoopee. I never told anyone about it though. My family probably still thinks that I'm a virgin.

After graduating high school I took a year off where I did absolutely nothing but sit on my ass and watch tv. My parents gave me an ultimatum at the end of that year. Get a job, go to college, or get out. I went to a community college and spent 3 years trying to find something I found interesting. During that period it was not hard for me to talk to people in class and make temporary friends in the classroom. But the only outside friend I had was still "D" who I always went to the movies with.

I finally found out that I liked computer graphics and spent another 2 years in college . Yes the math adds up to 5 years for a 2 year associates degree. In the CG course I was able to make a new friend. A guy in his 30's "J" who liked my sense of humor and my work. I thought things were starting to look up.

I went away to college last semester. those were some of the worst 6 weeks I've ever had. The school lied to me about their facilites and my roommate liked to screw a different girl every night while I was trying to sleep or get important work done. After 6 weekd I said "screw it" and dropped out. I learned as I was leaving that my roommate was actually trying to get rid of me because I snore when he was trying to sleep. Talk about a kick in the nuts.

When i get back home I find out my movie friend "D" finally found a girlfriend. Good for him. But he likes to go to the movies with her. And now he works the rest of the time when he is not with her. Uh-oh. I lost another friend.

I still had "J" though. Over the past year he and I have been trying to get an internet business flowing, but problems keep popping up. He is a little bull-headed and does things only his way. And it's starting to go awry. I have stated my opinion truthfully twice and both times he immediately retorted with the comment "Are we going to have to break up here, because I can find someone else." I know for a fact that I am the only one he knows who puts up with his crap, but I don't like this. He is essentially treating me like he treats his women. I don't particularly like that aspect of him either.

I know that this last person I know is probably going to dump me flat on my ass. I can throw a preemptive strike and break it off before he does. But where does that leave me? Exactly where I am now... alone in my parent's basement with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

Oh, and while I'm at it, I seem to have lost contact with all my old ICQ friends I used to talk to. I guess I'm just a miserable bastard.

I know this is all a lot to digest and there is a lot more to the story I haven't gone through, but I was trying to stick with the issue at hand. Why the frig does everybody seem to walk out on me?

April 18, 2001
3:12 pm
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Sabregirl
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Hi Silence,

Sorry, but I thought I had problems. It sounds like you could benefit from some counselling. You definitely lack self-confidence, self-worth & self-esteem.

I never had many friends growing up either, so I feel your pain there. I was always the last one picked for teams in gym class & the first one to be called stupid & to be yelled at. ONe of the happiest days of my life was graduating from high school cause I knew I'd never have to see any of those people ever again.

I think you need to write down your good qualities & what you're good at. You said you want to start an internet business, you should. If you can do it on your own, then go for it. I'm sure you can find someone who will be good for you instead of the clown you are with now. You should sign up for a community course. All towns & cities have classes where you can learn how to paint, start your own business or CPR, shit like that. That would probably be a big boost for you.

You're only 24 too. I'm 28 & only figured out now what I want to be when I grow up. Like I should talk, but you need to get out & meet people. I have a 2 yr. old son & just joined a play group. I have gone to it for 3 weeks & know no one's name. I too feel that no one wants to be my friend. I have 3 close friends, but the closest one to me is still 3 hours away.

I know it's tough to see any good in your life, but there is. You have to stop dwelling on what happened to ya in school, even though I know it's hard, & pick yourself up, hold your head up & take charge. Years ago I stopped caring what people thought of me. If someone doesn't like me or doesn't want to be my friend, then fine. I'll find someone who likes me the way I am. It is not worth changing who you are to please someone else.

So, look at your good points. Most people spend years in college & have no idea what they're doing. I flunked out of college after 3 years & 2 years ago got a 2 year degree in General Arts & Science with high honours.

Talk to your sisters or your buddy with the new girlfriend. Talk to them honestly. Tell them how low you feel & ask them if they know any girl you can go out with or if you can go out with them when they go.

You can't sit in your parent's basement & torture yourself. You gotta get out into the world & stop being so hard on yourself. My Mom always told me that no one can love me until I love myself. She was right.

I hope this helped. Hang in there & tomorrow will be a better day, you just have to make it one. Take care & good luck!

Sabregirl

April 18, 2001
7:37 pm
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Kimberly Anne
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Hey there:)

I am the same way and for years i hated going to school cause i had no friends and the ones i had just used me and then dumped me. I got use to being alone.

At 29 i had managed to go to college and get a degree but i had no job and no car and no money, nor any friends.
I cleaned my parents home and was happy if i got out once a week, if my sister was bored she would go out now and then for a hour or two.

I had no hobbies, no money for them anyhow, I started applying for low wage jobs and would cry afterwards thinking that i spent tons of money in life to cook donuts for minumin wage.

I was severely depressed, and wanted to have a life and to have something in it. I met my husband later that year, he took me in and treated me like no one ever had before in my life and now we have a child we love.

You guys are young, and things do get better, and things do turn around, and I know excatly how you both feel, believe me. I still am not able to make friends-but who the hell cares anymore, i got one great friend who i email daily and a husband and child.
I know alot of people say it will get better and i know at this time, it feels like it won't, i know you feel miserable, and it won't be forever, believe me things change whether we like it or not, and sometimes when your down, in the pit, the only way for things to go is up you know?

Peace and Blessings to you both, from someone who has been there and done that.

Love,
Kimberly

April 19, 2001
2:23 pm
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Sabregirl
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Hey Silence,

How ya doing? Hope you're doing okay & that today is better than yesterday.

Hang in there!

Sabregirl

April 19, 2001
10:11 pm
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Silence.. Yes you do need counceling.. And this may not sound postive, but alot of times the only person you can depend on to help you is yourself. So if you feel there is something wrong with being alone all the time and people using you.. which there IS , you should revieve counseling on how to deal with the past and build relationships slowly in the future.

I'm only 18.. but i know what you are going through. I've been suffering depression for a long time. Alot of that, I'm sure is due to feeling alone alot of times.

I mean when i was a little girl I had the friends on the block i would play with.. Maybe a few friends at school.. but once I got into 6th grade, around 12 or so.. I found it hard to make friends.. I was shy and always afraid that other kids laughter was about me.

That had a huge effect to seclude myself even more in junir high and To finnaly go on home studies in High school for 2 1/2 years.

When i was about 15 I started to feel like something was wrong with me. All the kids i knew were partying, having boyfriends and girlfriends.. The few friends I did have Invited me a few times but when i declined they never asked me again. SO of course I lost touch with alot of them. I wished i could just be like everyone else and Have lots of friends and people who actually wanted to be around me.. I wished i could be one of those people who seemed happy all the time, someone people respected and went up to and hugged when they saw me like all the kids at school did.

I was very unrealistic and didn't realize maybe part of the problem was me. It wasnt that i am a boring and unloveable person (which i still need to remind myself 200 times a day).. but that I was pruposely avoiding relationships with people. I was afraid to get close to them,afraid of rejection. TO this day I am very untrusting..

I am finishing my last semester on home studies and graduating in June. It was just too much for me.. I was crying everyday and so frusterated i Thought about suicide as well many times. I went through 2 very harmful relationships.. one with someone online and in a far away state (bad idea!) And a verbally abusive one. Those were the only relationships I ever had!! Up until recently.. I have been with a guy for a few months who is very good to me.. But

GO figure.. He lives an hour and a half away.. 🙁
I still have alot to work on.. and i know that.. Well this is hella long. I hope SOMEONE reads it. I'd like to talk more with you about this silence.. but it's up to you.

April 20, 2001
11:28 am
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silence
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Sorry. I went down to the shore on Wednesday and froze my ass off. First off I'd like to state that I have no desire to seek professional help. I brushed upon the fact that I have already been thrown through the system, and I have to say that it has truly left me with nothing but bad memories.

I've done regular therapy, group therapy, prozac, zoloft, and a few other wasted attempts at helping myself. Overall the best thing I ever did was to tell everybody to "go to hell" when I turned 18. It was then that I dropped out of therapy, and squeaked through high school.

I don't have a problem making friends so much that I have no social skills. These days I'm occasionally able to find a group of people that I can skirt around the edges on. I just have a problem making close friends and even more of a probelm keeping them. I sometimes feel like I'm destined to wander through life alone with nobody to lean against or guide me to the end.

I'm not suicidally depressed like I was as a teenager. I know all about things getting better as life goes on. But I still feel those shitstorm days when nothing seems to go right.

I guess what I'm looking for is someone I can talk to who isn't going to insist on heavy doses of medication or send me back to the psych ward whenever I'm not giving the answers they want me to say.

Another major problem that restricts me from achieving in life is the fact that I am too much of a dreamer. It helped me mentally to get through much of school to just tune everything out and live in my own brain as much as possible. As long as I skimmed the reading before a test I was usually able to maintain a "C" average. Unfortunately these days I still spend most of my time just staring off into the ceiling and thinking of nothing important. Or maybe I inherited a laziness gene along the way. In either case, it's tough for me to get motivated enough to do most things.

I'm down on myself a lot. I know that. It's actually helpful in meeting people. I have no need to be the alpha male and therefore people usually don't feel threatened by my presence. But this method does leave me outside of the loop so to speak.

It's all so confusing.....

April 26, 2001
5:17 pm
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water
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Hey always alone,
I think I understand what you're going through. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and I don't know where to go. I also freak out because I think a lot of people think I'm lesbian, and because they do, I feel like I act like one even more which makes them more sure of it. Like you I have no idea what to do. My only hope left is God. But how can I say that God's helping me when I still make people around me feel uncomfortable. I think I need to go to a mental hospital. Just be thankful that you don't freak people out.

April 26, 2001
8:08 pm
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Kimberly Anne
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Water,

Maybe you need to be around people who are more approving and accepting of you and who you are?

Maybe, just maybe, you don't need to sign yourself in, i went through this as well among many other trails in life.

Maybe, just maybe it is society that is sick and not you?

If people are not respectful of you, reguardless if you are gay or straight or anything in between, you need to ditch them and fast, and even quicker if they are family.

Just my two cents:)

Peace,
Kimberly Anne

April 26, 2001
10:17 pm
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silence
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Man... I know that feeling.

I don't know when it started, but during my junior year of high school I came to the conclusion that everybody else thought that I was a homosexual. It's tough to drop those people from my life when they had already dropped me first.
I have a feeling that some members outside of my immediate family think that I'm gay. It must be some strange vibe that I radiate because just about everybody I have met in college has asked me at one point if I was gay. And on one occasion I was out with a male friend watching a movie when I suddenly realized that I was on a date.

April 27, 2001
4:57 pm
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water
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silence,
What did you do? I feel like I need a boyfriend just to prove that I'm not lesbian, but I'm not like that. I can't just pick any guy. He has to be special. Plus I have a lot of issues to deal with right now. But I'm really curious as to how you responded to those people. I just run away from them which I think makes them more sure that I'm lesbian. I think I'm becoming a freak. Water

April 27, 2001
7:18 pm
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silence
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In high school I just ignored the situation. I didn't have anything to say to anybody there and they would have just believed it more if I had spoken up and denied it. By then I only had to endure 2 years of weird stares.

I'm not sure what happened in college, but when asked by a classmate if I was gay I simply said that I wasn't. Some believed me some didn't. Just the way the cookie crumbles. I try not to be upset about it in public and make a big issue about it. That's what these places are for.

I hear what you're saying about the boyfriend part. It's a bit tougher for me as a guy. I am an expert at repulsing the opposite sex, so having no girlfriend raises a lot of suspicions on its own. But inside myself I am also saying that I am looking for a little more than what I've seen offered so far. A little bit of denial mixed with a little bit of gut instintual truth helps perpetuate that feeling.

I'm not too sure what to suggest other than to not make a big deal out of it to the people you know. Sometimes I make a "gay" joke to lighten the moment these days. Let others think what they want to. You know yourself better than they do.

April 29, 2001
1:06 am
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water
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Silence,
Yeah I think I scare guys. I don't know how to act around them either. People say, just be yourself, but being myself scares them. As for the let others think what they want to. You know yourself better than they do part, I think you're more secure than I am. People thinking that I'm lesbian makes me question if I am one. The weirdest thing, it might be a codependent thing, but I base my identity on what others think. Major no no, yeah I know but just being me was unacceptable and so I changed in junior high. I used to be quieter, but then I got all hyper and loud. that got attention, but it wasn't me. Now I'm socialized to be all friendly, but then I kindof stumble towards the beginning of relationships cause I don't feel like thats who I really am and I like to be quiet. But when I'm too quiet I like to be loud. So yeah I'm having an identity crisis, I don't know how to act and I do crazy things to push people away from me. Like to say I'm a bad person stay away from me. So the whole lesbian thing comes to play because now I'm questioning whether I'm a lesbian or not. I mean if people think it, is there truth to it? Why would people think it? Is it because I'm so insecure? --water--

April 29, 2001
9:01 pm
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Dear Silence

It sounds like you have now finnally made a connection with someone. This could be very good thearpy. Keep up the conversation. I know exactly what you are going threw. I too as a child was rediculed and beat up on by my class mates. I am now 30 something and some of those scars never go away. Should you need anyone to talk to. Just drop me a thread to lisa78640. I check the discussions on a regular basis. Take care of yourself and keep talking.

April 29, 2001
9:51 pm
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silence
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I've always been a bit strong willed and set in my ways. Unfortunately, it tooks years of ignoring insults and beatings. I never had that period when I craved attention from others. If anything I was trying to shrink into nothing so nobody would bother me.

As a result of this all I'm able to shrug off most bad things said about me. Although, this apathetic attitude is a double edge sword for me. It is a lot harder for me to make friends, and even more to keep them around. As strange as this sounds, I hate it when people compliment me. It makes me feel weird.

I know this is all pretty bad advice. I don't think it would be a good idea for you to shut yourself off from the rest of the world and live in isolation like I have. You might want to take a short vacation by yourself though. I find it helps sometimes to go to the shore alone for a week and sort out my thoughts.

April 30, 2001
4:08 am
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water
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Silence,
That's what I want right now, total isolation, or going to a place where I'm surrounded by peers that I can tell all this stuff to. You know, not have to be normal, cause I'm not. I'm going to quit my job, it's unbearable to be around my coworkers, I'm really freaked out about tomorrow. I will try to avoid them. I get really uncomfortable, and I can't look them in the eyes. What a change from when I first met them all confident and whatever. Yeah, I'm crumbling.....--water--

May 2, 2001
2:43 pm
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talk
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For some of you who think that you have no friends are wrong.

There is GOD!!!

Hisis my Friend

May 2, 2001
2:45 pm
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talk
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I meant he is my friend

May 2, 2001
3:31 pm
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silence
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I guess I forgot to mention it before. I'm agnostic. And there's not much of a chance for me to rediscover religion.

May 2, 2001
6:13 pm
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Hey Silence, just peeping in here and wanted to make a comment about you being agnostic and not much chance of you rediscovering religion. Good. Religion is Man's search for God and sometimes - man's invention of what makes him feel more comfortable worshipping... A Relationship with God is - God searching for man... A discovery of the latter magnitude - will be something that you would never expect or be able to predict when it happens...(smile) I congratulate you on not wanting to fall into the abyss of "religion"...and the sky bursts into a beautiful sunset and God smiles at you.... keep the door open just a little....butterflies don't need much room to squeeze in and speak to your heart of hearts. Jesus Christ....wasn't much of a guy for religion...kept trying to get that through the thick heads of those who wanted to trap Him. Love in the open hand....that is all. Okay, I'll shut up now and make like a tree and leave. (smiles)

May 2, 2001
6:30 pm
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silence
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That's a first. Usually when I tell people that I don't believe in religion, they look at me like I just raped the family dog.
I was raised christian and even confirmed and baptized. But all this happened before I was old enough to seriously consider the underlying meanings of religion.

Then the inevitable question is, "Why don't I believe in religion?" The answer is simple. When I was 16 and in my worst moments, some guy on tv said that people like me should read the bible for comfort. So I read it cover to cover... and I didn't buy one word of it. It was that moment that I became agnostic. I believe in god, even in some sort of life after death, but I don't think that there is one all-encompassing religion that you have to believe in or else you'll go to hell.

My greatest argument against religion is for people to actually read their "sacred scriptures" in their entirety and then tell me that they still believe. Sorry to be a bit harsh about this, but I usually don't get to go off like this in real life. Instead, I usually just try to shrug off the question like I didn't hear it.

May 2, 2001
7:38 pm
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pg lova
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Silence,

Keep your head up. The battle is not yours it's the Lords! I know it sounds easier said than done,but believe me, it will help you to remember that later on down the line. The story you wrote sounds a lot like "the replay of my own life." For years, I too was alone and had no friends. But then I realized that JEsus is the greates friend. From there I put my life together and I have been doing so slowly. RIght now, my friends are few, but I have some true friends who wouldn't turn their backs. When you look for friends what do you look for? Do you think it might be that you tend to gravitate toward friends with personalities similar to those who have hurt you because you feel that those are the only people who will accept you? I learned that that happens a lot in my psychology class. If you want, I'll be your best internet friend. I am a minister and I will help you get through this if you need me. I too am a college student and those years should be the best years of your life. I'm so sorry to hear that people did that to you. It's gonna be all right my friend, you just be strong. God will take care of you.

PG Lova

PS I want you to e-mail me at [email protected] and just tell me about all of your pain. From there, we will continuously e-mail one another as I pray for you and share God's word with you. Remember now, you have a friend for life.

God Bless U

May 2, 2001
7:39 pm
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pg lova
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Silence,

Keep your head up. The battle is not yours it's the Lords! I know it sounds easier said than done,but believe me, it will help you to remember that later on down the line. The story you wrote sounds a lot like "the replay of my own life." For years, I too was alone and had no friends. But then I realized that JEsus is the greates friend. From there I put my life together and I have been doing so slowly. RIght now, my friends are few, but I have some true friends who wouldn't turn their backs. When you look for friends what do you look for? Do you think it might be that you tend to gravitate toward friends with personalities similar to those who have hurt you because you feel that those are the only people who will accept you? I learned that that happens a lot in my psychology class. If you want, I'll be your best internet friend. I am a minister and I will help you get through this if you need me. I too am a college student and those years should be the best years of your life. I'm so sorry to hear that people did that to you. It's gonna be all right my friend, you just be strong. God will take care of you.

PG Lova

PS I want you to e-mail me at [email protected] and just tell me about all of your pain. From there, we will continuously e-mail one another as I pray for you and share God's word with you. Remember now, you have a friend for life.

God Bless U

May 2, 2001
10:24 pm
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water
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Dear pg lova,
I went to my psychiatrist two days ago and told her that I thought I was demon possessed and that's why I was feeling like I was such a bad person. which also explained why my private parts get so uncomfortable. I thought the demons were there as a home, or nest and would leave my private area to go into other people. Anyways my psychiatrist told me not to believe in being demon possessed. and I told her that it's stated in the Bible and she said that religion is bad for people cause they believe that stuff. I don't know. I saw her point, someone would think I'm crazy if they heard what I was saying(which I am) but in reality I do think there is a really dark force inside me. Doesn't the Bible say that if your heart is good then your eyes will be full of good? You see, my eyes seek out the most wickedest thoughts. It thinks of the worst thing that can happen and sees and plays it out. Yeah, so my friend told me that as a believer in Christ I can't be demon possessed, I didn't believe her at first cause I still have the gross feelings in my private area, but then she told me her testimony which was similar to mine, she couldn't control her thoughts. and so now I do believe that I can't be demon possessed but I know as a FACT that I need to be HEALED!!! --water--

May 2, 2001
10:39 pm
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Alena
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Silence,
I just started scanning your thread and found myself going back up to the top and reading your initial letter.

Wow. First of all, I agree that you've had it pretty tough most of your life, can't believe that with your record of "friends", you'd actually want more. But, I do understand, most people believe it's not healthy to be alone, we are pack animals for the most part.

Let me get to the good part. I think you should "create" when you are down the basement. My first suggestion would be to write. Try a short story..maybe just put your dreamer imaginationt to good use, down on paper and see what you get. Dive into it. I was so impressed with your descripion of your life. Your words just flowed, they were very vivid, very informative....a heartfelt, easy to read choice of words. I really mean this. I could feel the pain you were describing. I could "see" you as you grew up, in your different stages.

What I see is a very real, intelligent young man who has the potential to put his aloneness to good use. Screw all these people who have abandoned you. Who really has more than ONE good friend? I have some acquaintances, have one really good friend. And in my lifetime, as far as the ones who have just drifted off into the atmosphere somewhere, they are too many to mention. My dear dad always said that you will have many acquaintances in your life, don't mistake all of them for real "friends". They will be few.

But, I know it's not fun, or very rewarding to be 24 and alone and have all this crap in your past to try to hurdle over. No doubt about it, life really can suck.
I agree with you about religion. God is good enough for me, don't need the thumpers or the preachers in my life. I'm alot more comfortable just trying to do the right thing when I can. Trying to make a difference. So I agree with you there.

But, have you ever had an urge to write? Create? I do like your style, your passion.

May 2, 2001
10:48 pm
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silence
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I'm not quite sure what's wrong with that. Sex has always been the main factor in my existance. Hell, I'd start to get very worried about myself if I didn't think about it non-stop for the first 15 minutes I'm awake.

If a woman walks by me wearing anything even remotely revealing, my eyes are glued until she passes by my line of vision. Sexual thoughts aren't a demon to be beaten down. It's just your body's way of saying it wants to keep the genetic line alive. Thoughts by themselves are perfectly natural... acting on every impulse is not.

Just remember to stick to the most basic rule, "Look, but don't touch." It's ok to think whatever you want to, just don't go around grabbing every stranger you meet by the crotch.

...and on a side note to pg lova, did you even read that last post of mine?

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