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almost failed no contact
March 24, 2006
6:28 pm
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caliseth
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hi ladies (and gentlemans)
the truth is that i did failed, that is sick!
today in the morning, i woke up as usual, having one of those anxiety attacks, that make me feel the urge to call him and try to get back. this is day 7. i tried to stay calm and thought of all the times he treated me worse than his pets, giving me not even a kind word, just taking....and then i wonder, why i still want to go back with him? for one or two good memories, and the rest were just nightmares?????. is it me, am i loosing my pride, my dignity? or am i crazy? i inmediately put myself to do something, and my anxiety was controlled. but then, my cel ring and it was him. now, all of my anger and dissapointment dissapear and i got so excited...when i should have not answer, i did. but oh, of course! he wouldn't call me. i don't know how, his phone dialed my number, (i don't know why he has not erased it from the memo)and all i could hear was him talking with someone about how he came to my city (he lives outside the city, almost 1 hour to get here) and he went party....
i just stood up and could not react because my dad was in front of me. so i hang up and did like nothing, but my heart was beating so fast....
i know i shouldn't answer a call of his number, no matter if is for accident or if he does want to talk with me. how could i be with a person that does not want to be with me, just uses me when he wants?
now i feel terribly depressed. i know i have to do other things that demand my attention. i will try my best today, like going to school. and at night, i will do exercise until i can sleep well.
i feel so alone, so sick and so pityful of myself, how can i fail myself this way???

March 24, 2006
6:32 pm
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codyrn
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You are not failing yourself...you are hurt .....desperatly hurt and you are unsure of what to do.....

It is okay to be hurt...it is okay to fall and then get back up...it is okay to question why you cling to someone who is hurtful to you.
You can and overtime will work out those issues ...you seem very tender hearted ....hurting inside but very tender hearted.
Try not to be so hard on yourself....things will get better.
codyrn

March 24, 2006
6:46 pm
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caliseth
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codyrn:
thank you for the support. you know, like 2 years ago i was so hestiated by my life that everything seem to be bad for me. my attitude was defiant and unfriendly to people. i did not seemed to find space in this world for me. and i used to cry and even in religion i could not find peace of heart. now i know i got a problem, but i don't blame others for it, and i try to focus this love into good actions with people, i don't like when someone suffers and feels bad. now i even try to be around kids, and i am meeting new people. but the thing is that inside me i still find that those moments give me a little bit of joy, but when i get home i find myself terribly alone, i think i live a life with 2 faces, the face i am giving the world, like if i was so happy and natural, and the real me, so sad and depressed...i know this sounds confusing. i am confused already. the thing is that i don't want to barely survive, i don't want to pretend i am living, i want to live. i need to do something about it.
i apreciate alot your support and good advice.
cali

March 24, 2006
7:28 pm
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taj64
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These anxiety feelings that you get when you are know you have that urge to call, these are signals and you should pay attention to them. They are actually telling you to not do this. It is a warning sign. You just have to let this feelings pass. When they come up simply do something else, take a walk or whatever to distract yourself. The first few weeks and even months are the hardest and it does pass. You are not failing at all. You are learning. You are learning that your body tells you something and to pay attention. Keep you head high.

March 24, 2006
8:12 pm
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caliseth
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taj:
thank you. since i don't have no one to talk to tonight, i will go home and make some exercise. i have to loose alot of pounds. i will try to avoid calling him when i have the urge by making exercise, maybe this way i will get thin (hopefully from this comes something good)
i apreciate your help.
cali

March 24, 2006
8:27 pm
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taj64
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That is the best idea. You will feel very good that you did that. I can honestly say I tried that after a breakup from about 5 years ago. I headed to the gym and became completely involved with that. My body change dramatically after about 8 months. Not kidding either. Now I need to go back cause the opposite happened. Im so out of shape for a skinny girl.

March 24, 2006
8:54 pm
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caliseth-

No one is perfect at no contact, especially at first. You can't be so hard on yourself that you don't recognize the good things you have done so far. You have made a lot of realizations, you have a plan, you took steps and distanced yourself from him... this is all amazing stuff when your heart is still attached.

In 12 step programs there is a saying "progress not perfection." Certainly they would like 100% sobriety or whatever, as a goal, but if you are a beginner... you have to do what you can toget there--- if you are sober or in recovery- you cannot possibly be a perfect human being or jump over some much needed growing pains and lessons.

These things we go through are like life long learning, you don't just "get it" the minute you decide no contact. But it is a great decision to make when you need to get out of a situation that is hurting you. Many never even get as far as to SEE that. You are not a "failure" because you slipped up. You'll just try again. You will only get stronger. It's a constant struggle, but your tools will be better for it.

I'm with you!
ella

March 24, 2006
9:05 pm
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taj64
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Hi. YOu don't ride a bicycle at the first step on the pedal, do you? It took me many tries before I got to point of getting past that "urge". Im doing so much better. Like everything in life, it takes practice and a whole of patience. Dust yourself off and try again. I love that song. It has so much meaning to me.

March 25, 2006
10:11 pm
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caliseth
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mzrella:
thanks for your encouraging words. it feels less painful to hear you say that! the thing is, ella, that i have been very hard on my life. in one thing you are right, i have advanced just by accepting that i need help. when i was a child i have no one to talk to, my parents got divorced since i was 7 and i stayed with my dad, because my mother is bipolar, and most of times she would be so bad that will not give us food, or water for long time, to me and my sister. maybe that is why i try to never leave a plate with food, because of those miserable times, and it is courios, that when i have a problem, i put myself so desperate that i have to eat in order to feel less depressed...at home with my dad,my grandma will hate me because i look alot like my mom. so now i know that my problems come from my past, my reason to live was not fail, be the best at school, read, read and be angry to everything.... it has been only few years since i open up to my college friends and be a real friend, not so hard on people or me. but i guess this still has not left me completely.
i only read the introduction of "it's called a breakup because is broken" and i find there good advice not to eat when i am anxious. i don't know if i can get this book here in mexico, but it sounds interesting.
and yes, ella, i have gone to NA meetings, i have to be more involved with the 12 steps, i am only at number 2. but guess what? i found a book that has skills and activities to make a good self steeme. i will try that too, and i am into the spiritual things. classic music and maditation has helped, i feel better today.
i apreciate your support and i hope to be helpful to you when you need it, have a great day!

cali

March 25, 2006
10:17 pm
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caliseth
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taj:
thank you. you seem to be a person so energetic! i hope i can feel that secure of myself soon.
today i woke up more alive, i feel. yes, i want to do better, and yes, even if things can't just magically be ok at once, i know i am much better today and that is great. i will put my best to be stronger and patient, in order to do things right. this is day 8.
i want to thank you so much for being here for me, i want to thank everyone. i don't have a pc at home, so i have to be at a cyber coffee net place, that is why i don't answer your reply sooner. but this days here HAVE been doing alot of good.

cali

March 25, 2006
10:28 pm
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penny lane
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Tonight ...well over the past several days since the weather has changed and it doesn't get dark as early...I find myself thinking of him.seeing the things he did around the house...I have had no contact since Dec 21st....the weekends are the worst...I do get out with friends and exercise...but at home alone with my pets is HARD...When Caliseth speaks of two faces...I understand completely...I put on the face of being ok to my friends...they lived with me thru my pain...I want them to feel as though I am moving on..which I am...but you are right...it is like exercising a muscle that hasnt worked for a long time...being a co-dependent with an ex b/f who is a narcissit...it is like relearing how to be me again..I had a moving thought this morning in the shower...I saw myself with a man who called me by my name...I envisioned myself as a perfect and whole woman worthy of a new life...it made me cry...it was like a total seperation from me...it was pure...I am hoping this is a good sign.

March 25, 2006
10:54 pm
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caliseth
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penny:
hi. i think this is some of the things your inner is trying to say you can achieve. this is the real you, not the one that is sad and empty inside. maybe it's telling you it is time to see the present and let go of the past. december, wow, it is a long time,no contact! you have to be so proud!
i agree with you that the weekends are the worst. even if i go out ocassionally with the closest friend i have, he is now getting out with a girl and i find myself very hard to stay home and not think about my ex.
now focus on you, penny, it is your time. no narcissist deserves to be remembered so long, since he was so selfish with you.

let's try to stay in touch and see how this helped you, ok?

hugs, cali

March 26, 2006
8:44 am
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penny lane
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Thanks Cali for the support...your words do help ....Each day I do get stronger..and having friends like you to call upon when some days get a to be a bit toooo much is a blessing. Yes, lets keep in touch and help each other thru this..

Hugs, Penny lane

March 26, 2006
7:56 pm
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caliseth
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penny;
today i made myself a vission too. of what i want to become, of my inner me. there still is so much to work on, and for an instant, i could not decide what to do, sudenly i feel everything has to be like feng shui, moved of it's place. i have to reorder my life so then i can get in charge of it. i am looking to reach balance, and i just saw my potential.
it is day 9 and i will continue, this is for me, now, once i was thinking in doing things so he will noticed that i am a great catch, but not now, i will do it so i will not have to believe that i only deserve little. think little, get little, think big, big will come in the way.
penny, when it is there, all you have to do is believe that you can get it. let the new you come out.

hugs, and thanks for the support here

cali

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