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Allowing the hurt--finding myself
August 14, 2008
8:50 pm
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butterfly_wisdom
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September 30, 2010
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I modified the "no-contact" order so we could communicated about the kids... Bad idea. He keeps trying to bait me into furthur conversations and I know all we'll do is fight. I told him if he wants to talk about something other than the kids we can attend counseling where we will be in a safe environment. Of course he refuses as he always has. He's so immensly angry but I'm the only one who sees that side. To everyone else he's wonderful and charming and I'm the crazy person who broke up our family. A decade with him made me this crazy insecure person I am!! Before the order was ammended and we were not talking after a few days there was a huge weight off my shoulders. I felt better, free... Now even the limited contact we've had makes me start popping the xanax again. This past year has been a constant state of anxiety, depression and insanity. We have 2 kids that I'd like to be able to get along for, but that will never happen until he gets help. I go to counseling but it seems he's derrailed much of my progress--or more like I allowed him to derail it. I take responsibility for my actions and how I've hurt him. He refuses to do the same and will spend the rest of his life thinking I am the antichrist. I wouldn't care what he thought (as long as I could get away from him) but we have kids together and will have to remain in contact on their behalf. I'm trying to loose my dilussions that we can be happy together again. Trying. Trying. When I think of a life without him I feel pretty good. Just so long as I don't think about our "happy" past. Those thoughts and the kids kept me holding on too long. Sadly, in hindsight, even the "good" memories were usually all about what was going to make him happy.

So, I'm trying to be independent and find myself, but I must admit I fantasize about finding "Mr. Wonderful" to "resuce" me and make me feel worthwhile. Reminder to self---My sense of self worth must come from within. I will never be in a good relationship if I can't have a good relationship with myself first.

August 14, 2008
9:04 pm
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lostagain27
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Butterfly hang in there. I don't know your story but having kids in the mix and staying away from the ex has to be hard. I think you are doing the right thing about saying you will talk to him in counseling. I am glad you have taken responsiblity for you actions and you are right he has to as well.
Keep reminding yourself that you have to be happy and healthy within to find a healthy realtionship for you. I also struggle and dream i will find someone to rescue me but we both know deep down this not what we need.
Hang in there!

August 14, 2008
9:06 pm
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Womanlover73
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Yeah, it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Kids always put divorce in perspective. I have the same dream of finding 'Mrs. Right'. It's a struggle.

August 15, 2008
4:57 am
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moving0n
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Butterfly, reading your post, I could have written it myself word for word. Believe me, I can relate to where you are!

I have to respectfully disagree with the idea of joint counselling. I have considered the same thing, but I won't do it simply because while my (and your) motivation is a good one (peace for the sake of the kids), counselling won't change our ex's behaviour. They don't want to change. They have more control over us acting the way they are. Going to counselling only gives him an opportunity to sound off and vilify you some more.

I actually sat in on one of my ex's counselling sessions "by mistake". Which means he told me we were going to a mediator and I ended up in the office with him and his counsellor. I think he thought his counsellor would tell me to go back to him or something. I saw the counsellor very directly tell my ex that his behaviour is bullyish and that he is not a victim. Wow! What a relief! But the ex said "People tell me that I'm not a victim, but I don't see it". 2 years later, he still doesn't see it.

They can't see it because they don't want to. Dig deep, find your strength, and learn one interaction at a time that you can stand up to him in a non-confrontational, non-manipulative way.

I wish you peace.

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