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all over the place
November 9, 2009
10:10 am
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Lanigirl
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I know I need to step off of this roller coaster and I've been attempting to find out why I can't seem to through counseling and Al-Anon.

I need to write today because I'm caught up in the muck. My addiction told me that in the name of JC he would not contact me again. Then he did. I went to see him and it ended with him in tears and telling me how unhappy he is because he knows this is wrong (this has happened several times before).

I know he's making me responsible for being unhappy and being the one to end it all even when he's the one to show up. I also know that it leaves me sick because HE can contact me when he pleases but leaves me with the feeling that I can't do the same. It leaves me alternately sad and then angry.

He's moved to another state, we've deleted each others contact info., I've ignored the door at times when he's stopped by but I haven't been strong enough in myself to stop the certainty of pain.

I did do things with people this weekend and yet my thoughts return to him.

I have done better at times at home. I'm learning to either answer with a light remark or ignore. I had asked for my H to take our dog for a walk. He has a thing about being controlled so he'll do it or not do it - all has to be in his time frame. I said I wasn't going to wait around for him and he replied that I was going to blame him if the dog's stitches came out. I didn't reply. I just didn't feel like nagging or engaging.

Just needed to get it all out. I need to quiet my mind so I can detach from their sickness and deal with my own.

November 9, 2009
10:14 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Lanigirl, write it all out. You will feel better.

Bitsy

November 9, 2009
10:28 am
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darkeyes
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can i ask... are you still in a relationship with your H? how is other guy in your life.

November 9, 2009
10:31 am
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Lanigirl
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Thanks Bitsy.

Darkeyes, still with H. It's all confusing.

November 9, 2009
10:40 am
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darkeyes
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i know the feeling??...the only one to stop the confusion is you, i can say that through experience over my H and another guy..they only care about themself and their needs,what we need and want dont come into all this..

November 9, 2009
10:40 am
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darkeyes
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i know the feeling??...the only one to stop the confusion is you, i can say that through experience over my H and another guy..they only care about themself and their needs,what we need and want dont come into all this..

November 9, 2009
10:53 am
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darkeyes
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lanigirl if i sound harsh im sorry, i just feel your pain, and know its takes so much to heal, and leave it all behind,.. its nearly easier to stay in situation sometimes....

November 9, 2009
1:00 pm
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Lanigirl
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Darkeyes,

Not harsh at all. I know I need to look to myself but I also can't look there because I don't have the right tools in place yet.

That's the temptation, to stay.

November 9, 2009
1:17 pm
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darkeyes
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my experience is to know your worth alot more than your recieving... start on building your self-worth, self-esteem, start nutureing yourself, try and find whats the void within your trying to avoid in yourself... begin to know you deserve only the best for you, respect, loved in a healthy way, validiated, and also to see your faults which is the hardest sometimes to work through....step by step, it wont happen overnight but it will happen... hugs

November 9, 2009
10:55 pm
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atalose
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Lani,

How long has it been since you’ve seen or talked to this other guy?

It seems that when it comes time to truly deal with your loss of this other guy the tow of you some how connect again preventing you from really dealing with the grief that comes when we lose a relationship.

Getting through that pain is how we come out the other side. But if we continue to do things to prevent us from feeling it all we are really doing is prolonging it, dragging it out and all that does is keep us confused……and pretty much in a place that becomes familiar. Pain is not familiar, confusion is.

There is no confusion in reality, it is what it is. None of us like dealing with hurt and pain but it’s a part of life we need to learn how to deal with.

Keep posting, keep venting…..

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

November 10, 2009
9:50 pm
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Lanigirl
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Darkeyes,

Thanks. I appreciate hearing from someone that knows.

Atalose,

Just a few days since I saw him. Even as I do life, it's always in the back of my mind that he may show up again. That has been the pattern and it's never been enough time for me to complete the separation.

I don't know how I can truly mourn this person.

November 10, 2009
10:00 pm
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atalose
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Lani,

Maybe it’s not him you should be morning but rather your husband and marriage.

Maybe it’s this guy that you truly want to be with but are finding it hard to end your marriage.

Have you weighted all the pros of staying married to your AH against making a break and possibly having something more fulfilling with this other guy?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

November 11, 2009
10:05 am
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Lanigirl
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I actually had to turn off the computer and take some time to think about what you said. I really appreciate your thoughtful prompts and encouraging me to get into Al-Anon, etc.

You're right. I think part of the reason that this thing started was that I was mourning the loss of what I had thought my life would look like - happy marriage, kids and career. Plus, I was fighting with the idea that my Dad died at 43 and didn't take what life had to offer. In a sick way, it was fighting death.

I'm seeing my marriage in a realistic light and for what it is. I've thought about ending my marriage when the affair started. I know I'm not at a place to make a truly good choice. I know it may be hard for other people to understand but I still have feelings for my H.

The other guy isn't an alternative. He's really unstable, a different religion, isn't a U.S. citizen and is here illegally and has always encouraged me to fix things with my H. He said that even if I left my H, he couldn't be with me because we started in this way. Statistically, most affairs don't lead into a lasting relationship.

Now that I'm writing it all out, what am I doing? What I do know is that I'm feeling better about myself and the weeks and months of depression have reduced themselves into a day here and there.

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