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ALICAT- Respond to my 'Long Sad Story' post
September 11, 2005
10:09 am
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linspurdu
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September 30, 2010
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Alicat-

Thank you for the words of kindness and wisdom. I appreciate coming here and not being berated for my poor choices. I just don't know how to let go... and the lack of control is absolutely terrifying. I hate not being able to control his feelings for me. I hate not being able to control his feelings for someone else. Most importantly, I hate being able to control the complete craziness I feel over this awful time in my life.

I, too, am concerned that after all of the therapy I engaged in I'm still not at a better place. A lot of the behaviors and personalities I've had my entire life were explained to me through therapy and I am grateful for that- at least I know I'm not completely crazy. I always wondered why it was so hard for me to let the little things go, why I had to analyze and pour over every little thing that happened to me, why I always felt so scared, and why I had such a huge amount of anger inside of me. I now know that codependence is the reason for all of these thoughts and feelings. But now, I need to learn how to cope with the feelings. So, I'm in a continuous process of self-analyzation that hurts my brain worse than it did BEFORE I found out why I was like this. I walk around using words like 'enable', 'destructive', 'accountability'.... words I never really used before reading Melody Beattie's book. I'm just driving myself nuts trying to get better and to a different place in life. But the constant fear overpowers me.... I live in it, I'm swimming in it, I'm lost in it.... and therapy has failed to provide any results so far. In fact, when I told my current therapist that I let my ex move in with me, she got really mad at me. She said things I didn't want to hear but NEEDED to hear. I just wish she had done it in a gentler manner.

Anyways, I still have the feeling that my love will change him.... but I KNOW that is a bunch of mularkey. He will only change if he wants to.... and no one's love will do that for him. He uses people to guide his own fulfillment and it's sad that I continue to let him take advantage of me. I just need to reach that acceptance level- the level that allows me to move on and find peace within. How do I make that happen? What do I do to find that acceptance? I truly believe that it is lack of acceptance that prevents me from moving on.

I would like to join CODA.... unfortunately, there are no meetings in my town. The closest is about 45 minutes away and they occur only when I'm at work. 🙁 Any suggestions for me?

OK- I'm rambling. But just wanted to say thank you for the welcome and I hope to gain the support and love I truly desire.

September 12, 2005
2:23 pm
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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honestly - it's one you don't want to hear - make a way to get to those meetings!

or find an al-anon meeting - which seem to be more readily available - you may not be dealing with addictions - but the outcomes are the same and how they deal is the same.

it is good that you notice that your therapist said stuff you didn't like but were willing to hear it, knowing it was for your own good.

the bad part is, only you can help yourself - nobody can do the work for you.

I understand the sink and swim analogy - I, too, have days of revelation, then days of feeling lost and confused more than I was before. I was happy not knowing I had problems - would probably be happier now had I let my BF move out when I told him to - instead of listening and realizing I had a problem and going in search of the answers and solutions.

but I am smarter and wiser - and in the end, that's all I got to hold onto. some days I wish I was ignorant and stupid - so I can "get away with" some of the stupidity that I see others getting away with - and not being held accountable cuz they can't be...I am having a "it's not fair" moment here.

you know what the problem is - how to fix it - if you fail to fix it - then you have to accept it - if you can't fix it - accept it - or get rid of it - and move on.

none of the choices are easy - so evaluate which is more painful - a life time with this idiot or a short term discomfort while you detox from him and move on - with happiness down the road. you know you won't have the happiness with him - so are you content to stay in this for a lifetime of pain??????

none of the choices are easy - I am struggling day to day myself - poke around the posts - you will see me and my problems often - they aren't any different than anyone else here.

good luck - will check back more later.

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