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alicat, ras, kathgy, I Need you !
March 8, 2006
11:56 am
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lita
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I really need to talk to you ladies. I havent been doing so well. and I need to hear from a friend. Please if you are around I really could use some friendly advise.

March 8, 2006
12:04 pm
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taj64
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Im not sure if they are around, but I am pretty handy with advise. Not always but I am not bad. What is up? Is it ok for me to butt in?

March 8, 2006
12:12 pm
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kathygy
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lita,

I'm here. I am happy to help you if I can. What do you need advise about?

March 8, 2006
12:24 pm
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taj64
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Great Kathy is around. I thought I could help but ok not. Good luck!

March 8, 2006
3:13 pm
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kathygy
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lita,

where did you go? Let us know when you would like some advise.

love,
kathy

March 8, 2006
6:37 pm
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Rasputin
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((((Lita))))

What's up hon, I am available now!!!

(((Hugs)))

March 8, 2006
9:18 pm
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lita
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Well, I dont know how to say this other than just to spit it out.About 3 months ago i went out with a friend and i did cocaine again. I slipped , I havent done it since then. I told my mom about my slip up. And she reminded me of alot of things i have been trying to forget about. She reminded me of things that hurt me so bad that happened in my life because of my drug use. Iam very embarrased. And ashamed. One of the things she brought up was the fact that i lost my baby, because of this. I had put that out of my mind.it hurt so much i couldnt take the pain. So some how i just, stopped thinking about it. But it is march my baby died 1 year ago on the 13th of this month. I messed up. My heart is hurting again. And how i could of thought of even going back to doing drugs i dont know. Next thing is i dont trust people i dont want contact with people really meaning men.I dont know i just have a lot of issues right now.

March 9, 2006
12:23 pm
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kathygy
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lita,

I'm sorry you lost your baby. Anniverseries are hard.

It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself for having a slip. Its a very common part of recovery from drug use. Give yourself credit for being drug free for the 3 months since the slip.

Can you think about how the slip happened? What was going on in your life at the time? What can you do in the future if a similar situation araises to prevent a slip?

Do you attend any 12-step meetings?

What would it take for you to forgive yourself for loosing your baby due to drug use?

Using drugs is self-medicating to ease emotional pain or to escape some feelings. It is the way you were trying to take care of yourself which is not a bad thing to do but there are more life affirming choices available.

Be willing to feel all of your feelings but there is never a reason to beat yourself up or put yourself down. That is emtional abuse to your own self.

Taking personal responsibility is a different thing. Try to find compassion for the wounded child in you who reached for drugs to escape your pain.

What was happening in your life when you lost your baby and were using drugs?

I think it might be helpful to go over that and see if you can feel love for yourself as you do this.

It wasn't maliscious intent on your part to harm your baby. You were hurting in some way. You can learn from this experience and make life affirming choices in the future.

You deserve to forgive yourself and to love yourself.

You might try writing a letter to your baby and tell her everything you feel.

It would be great if there is a safe person you could read the letter to out loud. I find that it a very powerful way to heal your pain around the loss of your baby and help you forgive yourself.

Love,
Kathy

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