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alcoholic/codependent
September 23, 2003
6:25 pm
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darth
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Hi there, I am new here the site looks very interesting and may be helpful to my/ and my wifes situation. I am a recovering alcoholic, made many mistakes.My wife just realized through therapy that she is a serious codependent.(marriage counseling type therapy)Our relationship has changed terribly, I love her like crazy.But she does not know if she can love me like the man she wishes I was.I am not sure if she is confusing her codependency with her heart felt feelings. Any feed back? Please HELP!!!!

September 23, 2003
7:38 pm
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gingerleigh
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Good for both of you in trying counseling together. You *can* work through these rough spots in your marriage if both of you are committed to making the relationship work, putting both of your egos aside, and taking a hard look at what is really going on, not what you wish was going on or what you fear is going on.

If you are both willing to do the work, there is a good book out there, a Dr. Phil McGraw book called Relationship Rescue, which is actually a fun read (good style) and has some really beneficial exercises that you can do together or on your own.

Welcome to the site.

September 23, 2003
8:03 pm
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darth
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September 23, 2003
8:11 pm
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darth
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Thanks for the feed back gingerleigh. I am not sure if this is chat room like, or I guess how the sight works. Can I reply to someone who replys to me. I relly need someone to talk to. Codependency is very new to me, I love my wife very much and want to support her when, where and how ever I can. Any suggestions?It hurts to see her this way.

September 23, 2003
8:36 pm
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unhappy camper
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It about trust. I think she lost her trust in you. Did you treat her very badly or disappoint her?

She needs to have basic standards of behaviour met and you must be consistent about it and you must be willing and glad to do it.

If you feel resentful that will show.

Have you discovered what caused you to turn to alcohol? Will you be making some permanent changes internally?

Are you both compatible without the alcohol/co-dependency issues? Do you enjoy the same things and share common goals?

September 23, 2003
9:28 pm
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gingerleigh
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The site works sort of like "delayed chat". The feedback isn't quite real time, but it's darn close. There are folks reading and posting from all over the world at different times of day, so when you really need to talk, there is usually someone around to listen.

Your wife is in a tough spot. Walking around your whole life wondering what is missing as a codependent drains you slowly, and when the "aha" lightbulb goes off when you read a book about codependency for the first time, or a counselor introduces the topic, well, that can be very earthshattering for people. To discover that you aren't alone in feeling the way you do, and that there are things that you can do about it is like telling someone that the world is round when you've always thought it was flat as a pancake. It challenges reality.

How recently did the counseling start? This might just be her needing some time to adjust and process the new information. On one hand, she is going to be learning how she was abused subtly and perhaps not so subtly her whole life, and may understandably lash out at you or withdraw as she perceives you to be one of her abusers. There will be anger, and it needs to get out for her to grow and heal (and for you as well). But, the second part of this for her will be realizing that although she was abused, she also allowed that abuse to continue, and did indeed have a role in the dynamics and in the dance that she did with you and with others in her life. And facing that reality, the reality that she made some bad choices in life, can be disheartening. And realizing that life is full of choices, that the power is within her to change her life to be what she wants it to be deep down, that power can be frightening to confront and utilize. Taking responsibility is SCARY, and that is what is facing her (and you).

So enough of my blathering. In a nutshell, don't give up, be consistent in your message to her that you aren't giving up on her, on the relationship, or on yourself. Stick with counseling, even if she doesn't want to or refuses to go, you keep it up. Actions speak louder than words, your feet are on the path, just keep walking...

September 23, 2003
9:43 pm
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mj
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Hi Darth,
I too understand these dynamics. My husband and I are in marriage counseling and reading and working on our own issues through Al-anon and AA support groups.

It is encouraging to hear that you really love her and want your relationship to work. That's really important. Keep the focus on getting help for yourself, and I am sure that you are on the right path. Have you went to AA and do you practice the twelve steps? They have lots of support online for this as well.
Good luck.

September 24, 2003
1:56 am
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heisthe1
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darth

Greetings! You fail to mention how long you have been in recovery. My point is, how long are you willing to work on your defects? And how long are you willing to work on hers!

Your wife is co-dependent, and her role is to fix you, and now that you are being fixed, you are not a challenge to her. Everybody heals in their own time, some longer, some sooner, support her and encourage her and let the results come!

I am excited by the dynamic growth of programs that help people recover from the effects of dysfunctional relationships. For the first time in history people who have been damaged can come out of the closet. The message is clear: "It is not your fault! Your are not to blame! You can recover!" Millons of adult Americans are seeking recovery by using Twelve Step groups, professional therapy, or a combination of both.

Thank you for letting me share.
God bless

September 24, 2003
7:55 pm
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darth
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Thanks for the feed back, it is very comforting to know that a group of people hold together the support information and feed back for one another. To answer several questions that were asked of me. I quit drinking about one year ago, but I did not get sober. I still had that drunken anger, drinking for me was very painful. I wanted to quit but I could not stop. I would drink and cry and want and pray to quit to no avail.Then things really started to go bad in our relationship, they actually got bad two years before this.I knew my partner had a problem but it was not yet discovered, she consumed my life in eavery aspect but at the same time shut me out of hers, there was no talking, no sharing no intimacy, there was nothing.So I dove into drinking even harder.I finally got sober when I got into the AA program, It SAVED my life,I am now only about 50 days into sobriety, my life has changed 100 fold,God has saved me,Spirituality is the key, let god in.Then in the midst of all of this my partner realized she is codependent. The first chapter in CO Dependent no was her story.Our counseling helped some mediation sometimes is important and neccesary for partners to come out with the truth.Unfortunately 7 sessions into it our therapist left the area.I really do love my wife I would do anything for her.But it seems she wont let me help.I dont know what to do,what to say,we dont sleep together,we dont hug,we dont kiss, we dont touch. Please help, and thanks for being here.

September 25, 2003
9:28 am
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heisthe1
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darth

You are only responsible for your own recovery! You can't fix your wife. Yes, God has saved your life and only God can reconcile your marriage, this is why your therapist left, he or she was not the right one for your marriage. God wants you to have a good marriage, but He also wants you to live in peace.

You mention that you have been clean for 50 day, GOOD WORK! Now compare that to how many days you and your wife have been having difficulties. What I'm getting to is that you and your wife did not acquire your problems over night and you can't expect to have them resolved over night. There is a healing process and this takes time! Keep doing what is right and soon when you look back you will see your results. Keep working your program! It works!

And finally, yes Spiritually is the key. Open and read your Bible and read Jeremiah 29:11 and Philippians 4:6-8. Welcome to the fellowship of those who care for each other!

Thank you for letting me share.
God bless

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