Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
alcoholic vs sobriety
November 12, 2005
11:16 pm
Avatar
lost and found
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

after not seeing my dad for six weeks. i talked to my sister tonight . she told me that my dad said i am too uptight and need to learn to relax , unwind and have fun. i instantly went from total guilt trip over this whole thing to being pissed off. i do know how to have fun. it;s the simple things in life that i enjoy. being drunk and stupid just doesn't do it for me. he thinkgs i am lame, i think he's an idiot.he doesn't know how to function sober and i choose not to visit drunk world. so there we have it. lines are drawn. i win. because i feel better finally being honest with who i am. i do feel sad. i cried all day thursday because i am losing dad to alcohol. his choice. u know what makes this so hard. i am surrounded by alcoholics. my husband goes down there alot and talks to dad. i have to let it go. (he's a drunk). it makes it really hard when they are always trying to tellme something is wrong with me. the only problem i see is i am outnumbered.

November 12, 2005
11:32 pm
Avatar
lost and found
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

can anybody else relate to this?

November 13, 2005
12:02 am
Avatar
lost and found
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

somebody please respond. i don't want to feel like i am the only person on earth that thinks life is worthwile sober.

November 13, 2005
12:40 am
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sweetheart:

I am the only one sober in my family, and have been so for 18 years. I do understand. Try AlAnon for some support on dealing with an alcoholic family. Their watchword is "detachment." Done with love, done out of self-care, done so that they might face the consequences of their own behavior without the cushioning of your codependent actions.

Best wishes at finding a support group so that you are no longer outnumbered.

LL

November 13, 2005
12:46 am
Avatar
mystified
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lost and found, I'm here 4 u and it must be so difficult to feel out numbered. It's not really fair is it?.

I know what it's like to have a loved one addicted, my hubby has addictive behaviour, so at the moment i'm going through all major addictions until he drops one of them and picks up the another exciting habit. He has never been addicted to sex though....how unlucky for me!!

With your dad, i really feel you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. Really your dad played his part in your life and gave you the opportunity of life and it's wonderful journey. Now whatever happens from there is entirely up to you. You are obviously responsible for your own descions,actions and which path on this journey you wish to take....your dad can now only advise you and give you his opinion....thats all. The same goes with him. You can now only advise him and tell him how you feel about it but he doesn't have to listen to you and he probably wont/hasn't. He has to know when to change, unfortunately it's not until their little relaxed world has crumbled around them till they wake up and realise how much damage they have caused to their health and the health of their loved ones.

I know i make it so easy, it's just like i feel so much of your efforts in your thread that it sounds like me. If you choose not to visit drunk world then i respect that, but i do feel you should go there every now and then and swallow ur pride and bite your tounge. You don't want your dad to get fed up with you b'cuz of his addiction and you don't want that to lead him to feel that he may not want to see you just so you don't lecture him or show emotional pain 2wrds his actions.

I hope i'm not being too negative, but sometimes you have to do these things for parents. I have this respect thing for parents that no matter what they do they are your parents and my parents are certainlly not perfect but we all don't get choices about who we want as parents but funny enough we do when it comes to our life time partners.

Hope i have helped a little incy wincy bit...Mysti xoxoxo

November 13, 2005
12:47 am
Avatar
cindle
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You are definitely not the only one who thinks that life is worthwhile sober. Sobriety is soooooo much better than walking around in a alcohol induced fog. When you're sober, you know that the things you do and say are real. Sobriety is knowing that you can get into a car at anytime and drive yourself anywhere and not be concerned that you're going to get pulled over or worse yet, kill someone. Sobriety is waking up in the morning without the hangovers and being able to care for your children. The list for me is endless. I am 16 years sober and my life has been far better for these past16 years then the ones before.

November 13, 2005
12:53 am
Avatar
lost and found
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i usually do well. it is just that my dad moved down the road (three houses) makes it harder to detach. i wish he lived across town...u know , out of sight, out of mind. thanks for responding. it's really weird. several years ago i told him he couldn't stay at my house anymore and host his parties. so he built a house right by me and now pressures me to go down there to watch him party. he acts like this is a battle of wills but it is really a conflict of ways of living. i do realize that when i overcome him that i am along ways of learning to overcome codepedency.

November 13, 2005
1:15 am
Avatar
lost and found
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

even though he knows i don't drink he never quits pushing it on me. i'm tired of it.

my husband and i went to jamaica with my dad about four years ago. his wife then filed devorce nd didn't go with him, so his answer was to hire a prostitute for the week. i still can't believe he did that. i have never felt the same about him since. he doesn't have any respect for me.

and he makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, like he thinks i don't measure up as a daughter to him.

mystified- it is way past the point of visiting once in a while. he turns down all my invitations to my kids games so he can drink. he promised my daughter he would ride her on his dunebuggy the next time he got on it, he has been riding it for six weeks now and basically lied to shelby. i am not going to allow him to damage my children's self esteem. i am not going to allow him to hurt them and just keep going down there like THEY dont matter. when he first built his house him and his new wife acted like holy rollers. u know group prayer. he acted like he had changed...till he got in the house. now he is showing his true colors. i can see his marriage ending. this will be his fifth. everything in me just says stay away, stay away, stay away.

November 13, 2005
1:18 am
Avatar
lost and found
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

cindle, i am so glad to read your post. you make my day.

November 13, 2005
1:23 am
Avatar
mystified
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It sounds as though your dad NEEDS you so badly, i think he just needs you to accept him and accept his way of life. Wow i think thats pretty powerful, you must really have an affect on your father or he really just wants to live the rest of his life knowing that he didn't fail you. Really deep down he is probably guilty but doesn't want to admit he has a problem so he lives in denial and acts oblivious to what you are saying to him. It sounds as though your dad really admires you and likes to have you close by, even if you chose not to see him, knowing that you live 3 houses away is enough to make him feel secure and comfortable.

Like is said it's pretty unfair that you have to see him go through this but i think thats what he wants. I don't know if your mum is around,you haven't mentioned her (sorry is that o.k to ask)but maybe he sees alot about her in you. Just the way you worry and care, and how you can't completely just turn your back on him, maybe he likes that attention. It's selfish, but so is my husband. It's like nothing is ever serious. Take everyday as it comes,spend all your money,don't plan for the future,who cares about the people you hurt because 2mrrw i may not be around....does that sound familiar??

I think keeping your distance is a good idea, you know how i feel about the parent thing but thats just me.

November 13, 2005
1:34 am
Avatar
lost and found
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yep, that is it excactly. i am his mother. and i have put him out. i am healthy enough to not want to play this role any longer. i am his daughter. and i am a girl. and i count. time for him to grown up (or not) my mom lives in another town thirty min from here. she is fantastic lady. i love her alot. she is very shy. i am the mouth. my mom, my sister, my brother, and my dad put me in that your strong, you got it together let me lean on you. got everybody off me except the dad. as far as him acting like he needs me, i think its a control ploy and i hate it. he asks me about what to do with an old truck he had (i know he thought i would say give it to my brother) i said give it to me. i got it because he gave me a choice and i am no longer going to be his voice of reasoning. i am the daughter, i am a girl, i have feelings, i count.

November 13, 2005
2:01 am
Avatar
mystified
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yep you are right Lostandfound.

It's like he has narcisstic (?) behaviour. Life is all about him, It's all about how he feels and it's all about his SUPERego pride.

Babe i have read so many articles about this type of behaviour and it sounds like my hubby. Would you like me to send you some info?,let me know and i'll just copy it onto my reply back.

Your daddy has made you feel responsible for all his actions,just like my hubby did.He has made you feel like crap over his wrong doing and has made you suffer when you shouldn't even be suffering for anything...and for no reason at all, it just makes them feel surperior and it makes them feel like we need them...uuugh.

I know it's not a good time for a joke but it may put a smile on your face.

How many narrcissits does it take to change a light bulb??
None, they are waiting for the whole world to evolve around them first..LOL

Hope i made you smile MYSTI..let me know if you would like some of that info. It teaches you how to deal with this sort of behaviour..

November 13, 2005
2:03 am
Avatar
angellica
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lost and found,
I am going through he same, of being outnumbered, no one wanting to help with, say, an intervention, no support, I am on my own and don't know what to do. I am taking Lass' advice and joining an AlAnon group so that I can maybe get some advice and support so that I am able to separate myself from it and begin the healing. I know it won't be easy, I love my husband and always will, 17 years married, he is not the same person when he is sober, for better or for worse, does that apply here? I think it is the cause of my co-dep. When i follow my heart things turn out right in the end, although sometimes it can be hard to see at first. You know who you are, don't let others tell you how to be or else you are not you. Wish you and your family all the best - it has been helpful for me just to realize that I am co-dependent cause now I feel I can do something about it.
Peace and Love To All

November 13, 2005
2:12 am
Avatar
Neshema
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lost, did you read my post on HP, power and abuse of power? Your dad is not a HP. It is not your job to see to his happiness, fun, or welfare. He is the father. You are the good girl daughter. You never did anything to deserve this. You are brave. You KNOW you are right not to choose that lifestyle, even though you feel outnumbered. You are protecting yourself and your kids. You need the cooperation your husband. Your past led you to who you are today. Are you ready to confront that so you can regain control over your life and move forward in the lifestyle you choose as an adult? If so, you will have to send the clear message that they cannot abuse the power anymore.

November 13, 2005
8:49 am
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Lost)))),

I understand how you feel. I gave up drinking and have been in therapy for over a year.

My social circle has diminished to non-existant and my relationship with my b/f has gone down the drain as well.

The funny part about it, is that when I quit drinking.....so did my sisters, my best friend and my boyfriend....BUT.... none of them have gotten any help so they still treat me as though I think that I am "better" than them.

That is NOT the case at all. The thing is...my thinking has changed, while theirs has not.

It seems that even though they all gave up drinking, not one of them (with the exception of my bestfriend) has matured or grown.

I have struggled alot lately with this very issue. Trying to be "healthy" has caused a great deal of pain for me. I also get accused of being "too serious" and told I need to "relax". Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. At least when I drank....I had fun once in a while. Now it seems that everyday is an uphill battle and I am just trying to survive.

I have come to the conclusion that I am doing what I am doing for myself. Period. I don't mean to sound selfish or cold, but if they don't like it, they too will eventually fall to the wayside like all the other toxic people that I have let go of in my life.

The only advice I have is....be true to yourself...and good things will follow (It's got to be true...right?)

Love,
Lolli

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
26
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111121
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38715
Posts: 714567
Newest Members:
lovingLaa, zokgassi, Wilthe, Marek, ssdchemical33, jack1palmer
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information