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Alcoholic says this time he will quit
July 20, 2005
8:41 pm
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dazed and confused
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My husband who is an alcoholic says this time he really is gonna quit. Went to his second meeting. We are seperated now for five days. Ofcourse he has screwed his family and everything over. I really thought this time I was done. I do not want to beleive lies again that he will stay sober and get help.

I know when you are suppose to never give up when you are married. I thought after the crap this time, that I was done. Now he is actually going to meetings and that is confusing me.

I do not want to believe lies again, live lies or pretend it is all better.

Very confused

July 20, 2005
11:08 pm
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22haha
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Tough one since he seems like he is trying to help himself. Stay strong, stay true to yourself. Give him some time to help himself and don't rush right back. Tough to trust somone who lies and has let you down before. Best of luck. Let me know how it goes for you.

July 20, 2005
11:16 pm
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exoticflower
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If you have put up with this for years now, it seems to me like it's time to watch out for yourself. There is no reason to trust him, and it is fair and in the best interests of you and your relationship I bet if you choose not to until he has some real evidence to the contrary under his belt. It doesn't mean you give up on him, just that you trust what he has shown you, not what he promises. If he does get better from here, GREAT, and in time you can trust him and really enjoy a loving and full relationship, I would think.

July 20, 2005
11:40 pm
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Cinamac
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All the best...he'll need to SHOW you that he can quit for the long term.

You'll need some support. I remember leaving my EX...I so badly wanted to believe in him, wanted his sobriety, too. But as many of us know, addictions have such a stronghold, stronger than love or money.

I hear Alanon meetings are good...

Bless you both

July 20, 2005
11:58 pm
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EJ
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Hi Dazed,

I'm in the same boat. I threw my husband out and NOW he wants counseling. Part of me thiks it's just a manipulative bunch of crap, part of me thinks maybe my throwing him out woke him up.

It's frustrating, because you just want to know, one way or the other. Also, he keeps telling me how much he's changed, loves me, blah, blah, blah.

But I'm holding out for character change maintained over a long period of time. I keep a list to help me judge more impartially, of signs of good and bad character. For example "BAD - wouldn't commit to a time to bring the kids back", "GOOD - paid child support on time".

So far, BAD is in the lead by about a 4 to 1 ratio. I also told him that I expect our counseling and separation to take at least 6 months to a year - partly because I seriously mean it, and partly because I want to see if he loses interest in counseling when there is no immediate hope of getting back into the house. You might try it to see how serious he is - but you'll have to repeat it at least a dozen times before he'll buy that you're serious.

We must be really hot, the way our husbands tie themselves in knots trying to get back with us!!!

Hold out for serious change. We can do it!!

Love, EJ

July 21, 2005
6:55 am
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CAMER
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i heard the same words in the past with my alcoholic. I guess only time will tell....sometimes tough love is the best. Give your hubby the time to sober up, if you choose, it is a daily battle dealing with alcoholism, and it will take time.

July 21, 2005
7:26 am
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dazed and confused
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Thanks for all your replys. He has been saying he is not promising me anything that he will show me. He is staying at his moms. My kids think I should have left a year ago (his step kids).

I to think this will take time, and we have never split before. I know that he is a good man. I know he is an alcoholic and that he might not be able to get clean.

I just want my life back. I've been suzie homemaker taking care of everything for so long (codependent) The only difference in him not being here is that I don't see him everyday. He would stay in bed for days, or he would come home and go straight to bed. Never had any interaction with me the kids the dogs or helped around here (4 acres)

The biggest problem is that I can't afford this place alone. The kids are in a wonderful school district and are honor roll students and don't want to move. Around here it is pretty hard to find a rental home that fits my needs that I can afford (in the country but everyone is rich out here but me) My son is a sophmore which makes it even harder.

If I could just win the lottery.

Thanks everyone I am very confused and I think I will return to alanon.

July 21, 2005
8:11 am
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jack122064
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Five days is not a lot of time. I hate to say it, and this is my opinion, but if it were me, I would act as if he were full of it and will never recover, and act accordingly. If he is serious about getting better, that will be evident, but only after a long time, perhaps years.

Jack

July 21, 2005
10:31 am
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Anonymous
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D&C, I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for several years. If your husband is serious about getting sober and you want to give him an other chance, you must make SURE he does the following things: 1) 90meetings in 90days minimum, 2) He must get a sponsor, 3) He must work the 12 steps of AA to repair his emotional and spiritual condition. If he does not do these things, he probably will not remain sober or maybe just remain as a “dry drunk” which means he is basically the same disfunctional person without the alcohol (alcohol is only a symptom). Alcoholism is a 3 part disease, physical, mental and spiritual and all three have to be addressed for real recovery. I know I have been there. I also agree with Jack, it may take a long time for him to really work into a good solid program. I hope this helps. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and yes, Alanon is good, my wife attends regularly, she is not an alcoholic. We were also on the skids because of my drinking…I was serious about cleaning up and did the things I mentioned above and now we are doing well together, even better and more honest than ever because we both needed to recover from MY disease. BTW, even after 3.5 years of sobriety, I still attend a meeting almost every day. Life is good and getting better all the time.

July 21, 2005
10:38 am
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kc30
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I'm tryin is bang on in what your husband would need to do to find sobriety and recovery, but he needs to do it for the right reasons...because he wants better for himself. It will do him no good to go through the motions if the goal is to get you back.

My husband did this, and it didn't work. Sure, he stopped drinking, but he never actually worked the steps and just became a dry drunk with moments of insight.

My husband said someone told him this once:

"You don't go to AA to get your wife back, your job back, your friends back, your reputation back. You go to get sober. Period"

AlAnon sounds like where you need to be...the last thing you want is to start to feel compelled to monitor his recovery...I've done that too. It's awful....that first night he says "Yeah, I'm not going to my meeting" and everything boils over inside.

good luck to you

peace

July 21, 2005
4:39 pm
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becca76
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Well, I just left my alcholic fiance (we didnt marry for a reason, huh)...at least working on it right now. I found a rental (small but safe and nice) and decided that I dont want to take it any longer. When you DO leave it is like you are in a fog...like you are outside of yourself or something. I have done the whole thing in a daze.I have wanted to leave and been threatening for so long...just enough was enough. I know he did things on prupose just to see how far he could go...I was tired of the promises and when you live with that stress day in and day out it really does mess with you, psychologically. I have heard it all before, he will change, he cant live without me...but then he doesnt. I am picking up my daughter and we are out.
Just a word to the lady with her kids...you may not be in the best house with the best schools...but you are with your kids. The material things dont dwarf development ( I am not talking extreme poverty) - the only thing kids need is someone encouraging their progress and interested in their dreams. As long as you are their number one fan...who cares about the rich house.

July 21, 2005
5:36 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Dazed, et.al.....,

It seems to me that you could really benefit from Al-anon. It is a free support group for friends and families of alcoholics that is based on the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is not a quick fix and you will not learn how to get your loved ones sober. However, it is a great place to go for hope, encouragement and support and can teach you how to deal with the effects of alcoholism. You will also learn how to deal with things such as anger, guilt, frustration, shame, etc....as well as the processes of detachment, acceptance and compassion.

You must learn to keep the focus on yourself and to let him keep the focus on himself. I agree with I'm tryin, in that it is a three fold disease that must be dealt with accordingly. Sobriety does not necessarliy solve all problems. My b/f (as well as myself) is an alcoholic. He has been sober for 11 months and although I am very proud of him for that, he refuses to get involved in AA or therapy and his behavior is much the same as it was when he was drinking. A fact that has not stopped me in my own quest to become healthy.

Good luck to you.

Lolli

July 21, 2005
7:53 pm
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Cinamac
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D&C What I hear from your post is that you need support...Sounds like Hubby has a lot, he just needs to take it. You need a network around you in order to be able to finacially make it, let alone emotionally, spiritually, physically---

Alanon is one place...what about you friends and family...social assistance, therapy, the community, the bank? You have caretaken so long and so hard, you need to reserve all your energy for you...you can make it,,,where there is the will there is a way, but you need your supports in place. You said he was a good man...can he help you financially?

July 21, 2005
9:01 pm
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dgroovy1
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Dazed-I went through a very similar situation that has lasted all of my life, starting with my mothers husbands, running the gamit of my boyfriends, 1st husband and my current husband. Most of these men had different addictions/issues, they all said they would change, I have yet to see it in any of them I have seen since. In this situation, we become enablers, constantly enabling the behavior (whatever it may be) by showing them, they can fix it, we will come back. Here's the bottome line in my opinion....its a HUGE catch22, if you do ever go and stay gone--it may work, but only for the next person they are with...if you go back, it is likely the behavior will returns. Short of never returning, I would want to see a minimum of 6 months at meetings before I considered it. I hope you can gain something from my thoughts, I evidently do not have the strength yet. Good luck and peace to you and yours.

July 21, 2005
9:06 pm
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star eyed
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for those who are alcoholics or who were with alcoholics, how do you define the extent of the drinking and what made the person an "alcoholic"... i'm trying to understand that with my ex..

July 22, 2005
6:09 am
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becca76
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That is what I am having trouble with star eyes. He was drinking everyday when we met...I dont know why I didnt think it was a problem,just thought he liked to party with friends...then it became apparent that he couldnt have 1 drink, he could only have 15-20 if he did drink. He felt compulsions to drink...he would be really uptight for days then go on a bender. He quit for two months after he beat me up, then it was...I will only drink once a month and of course I agreed...now it has been Fri, Sun and last night. I asked him it was either my daughter and I or the alcohol...he said he picked the alcohol because I was a prude and he didnt want to live up to my ideaologies. I decided to leave after he came hom edrunk around my daughter after I asked him all week not to(He had a corporate function to go to). I felt like he could do anything to me, but I didnt want my daughter to grow up and see that. He came home drunk adn stumbling and picked up my daughter and I have never hated someone so much in my life. We broke up but are still living in the same house until we find new places. He came home drunk and yelling last night with my daughter here. Then some girl is calling him on his cell phone. Didnt take long, huh? However, I know he is an alcoholic. He has done well not to drink everyday...like the textbook says but he HAS to drink. That is what it comes down to. When my daughter and I leave, he will most certainly drink everyday again.

July 22, 2005
5:16 pm
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lollipop3
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Star eyed,

As a recovering alcoholic and in a relationship with an alcoholic the first thing I have to say is that you cannot define him as an alcoholic...he has to do that for himself.

Having said that, I will say that each person is different and displays their disease in different ways. As for myself, I did not drink everday however, I could not control how much I drank once I started. It didn't matter if I started at 10:00pm or 10am....I didn't stop until I couldn't drink anymore or until the bar closed...whichever came first. Then I wouldn't drink for the next few days and when the next time came I would do it all over again. That will never change for me. I have not had a drink in almost 12 months but even if I don't drink for 12 years....if I pick up a drink, I won't be able to stop.

My boyfriend is a bit different. He can not drink for days or weeks but when he does, his binge will last for 2-3 weeks of non-stop partying. I tend to still go to work, pay bills, and still remain somewhat responsible, whereas he doesn't stop until something bad happens, say a car accident for example.

While I was drinking, no one could tell me that I had a problem. It wasn't until I decided for myself that it was a problem, did I stop.

To me a person has a problem if their life is in any way negatively affected by their drinking. Whether it be work, family, relationships, etc.

I hope that telling you a bit about myself and my b/f has helped you.

The best suggestion I can give you, is to stop trying to figure out if he is an alcoholic and start keeping the focus on yourself.

Good luck, you'll be in my thoughts and if there are any other questions, feel free to ask.

Lolli

July 24, 2005
8:29 pm
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dazed and confused
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Thanks for everyones responses I know that I am not alone. I do desperatley need to go to alanon. I have always known that I have this codependent thing going on. I can take care of everyone in this world but myself. I guess I have some sick way of needing to be needed.

I guess I am embarrassed to say that I let my husband come back home under the condition that, this is the last "chance". I just can't go through it all again. He has went to alanon everyday which he never done before ever. He took me to a meeting with him saturday where people told their stories the people who had been sober for years and it was their "anniversary" so to say.

When i heard there stories I felt sorry for them. I don't feel sorry for my husband though because he has personally hurt me and my family.

I felt like if he was really gonna try, then it was my duty to try. I know your not suppose to give up when your married. All I know is that if this doesn't work, atleast I can clearly say I gave it my all.

Whomever wrote the post saying I should go to alanon, because the first time he says he's not going to a meeting... That really clicked, because then reality would sink in instead of this fantasy that I am probably stuck in.

All I can do is pray and take care of me.

July 25, 2005
3:35 pm
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dazed and confused
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I meant he's been going to AA not alanon. I hope i am not in denial.

July 25, 2005
4:05 pm
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Cinamac
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Dazed

You can make whatever choices you want. I think you can never go wrong to try and we need to keep trying until we have had enough.

The most frustrating thing is putting hundreds of dollars into a slot machine, and then say we have had enough. Then the next one who walks along with a quarter gets $10 K on your machine. However that doesn't happen too much...maybe a million to one chance...but you never know!!! Sometimes it is worth taking that chance, especially when you have invested so much anyways.

It is hard to know when to cut your losses. It is like a car that you buy, you have an emotional investment becasue you have had it for 10 years, and then every month or so you start having to throw money ate it...a thousand here 1500 there...new breaks, new exhaust...and every time you think that this is the last time...so you finally give the darn thing away, and the new person fixes it for the cost of a new spark plug and it runs problem free for the next 10 years... but the chances of that happening are slim or few to none.

I cut my losses and sold a house, car, cashed in my hubby- everything....my house increased threefold in the last two years (over a million dollars now)- vehicles bit the dust, and hubby is now my ex and happily living the addict life that he loves. He even found a new woman and now she washes his clothes and cleans up his crap and takes it, becasue if only someone had loved him, he would be a better person. This took me 18 years to realize, then I had enough.

Others would still be there with him in the million dollar house. And then others would have left when he started dishing out his crap on the honeymoon.

So it comes down to you. And what you can take and forgive. I know tons of women that are married to alcholics and drug addicts and do fine. They go to Alanon and detach and work on themselves and sometimes the guys actually get it together themselves on their own terms... and some don't. But whatever you chose it right for you. None can judge becasue they haven't walked in your shoes. Hang in there.

Be good to yourself

Cinamac

July 26, 2005
8:43 am
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thanks Cinamac!!! It's kinda damned if you do damned if you don't. Everything you have said makes sense. I guess no one knows what the future holds. I am really trying to put my focus back on myself.

I don't know why that is such a hard thing. One time this older and wiser man asked me a question..he said who comes first you or your kids. He said wrong, you come first..if you take care of you, your kids will always be fine. If you take care of them first your cheating them. That makes alot of sense.

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